Aa
Should I stay in this relationship?
This question has been on my mind for a few months and I could use an outside opinion on the matter.
To start, here is some background information about myself. I am an upperclassman at a very large university. I have taken an extensive amount of non-degree seeking classes to help round myself as a person. Some of these include : Ballroom dancing, Chinese, Japanese (Minor), French and piano (possible second minor). I love learning new things, as of now I am an Aerospace major trying to get a job with a major airline. I am a commercial pilot and have had enough time to venture into the field of medicine. I am currently enrolled in an EMT course followed by my EMT-I next year. When I am not doing that I volunteer at the local hospital. The medical aspect came more into view because of my father's side being mostly all doctors. (Very high expectations)
And now some details about her. (I'm trying to avoid using names.) She is two years older than me, being 22. She loves to run (cross-country) and did that through high school. She has a great supportive family and church group. She loves to go out with her friends and talks highly about all of them. Very caring and motherly, two very attractive features for me. Her highest education is a high school diploma. She did however attend a community college for a year before quitting. She currently works as a teacher's assistant at a special ed high school. She says occasionally that she wants to be a teacher, however she deplores studying and has told me she is a horrible test taker. (Irony I know)
Slightly more backstory.
I met my (first and) current girlfriend 6 months ago at a military Ball. My parents knew her parents and that's how we got together. Skip forward a month and we start dating. I have little to no experience with dating so I err on the side of caution and do extensive research about every topic under the sun. (sex, how to date successfully, do's and don'ts etc..) I tell her this we both laugh and she understands this. She has had two boyfriends in the past, both of them treated her terribly including one of them rapeing her. I learned about his very early on and I chose to help her through this the best I could. Another caveat about me, I have been told I am arrogant and lack empathy. I agree and I've really been working on it.
I will try to narrow down my problems into somewhat refined categories.
Getting into the problems that I personally have noticed. Her education. This bothers me possibly more than it should. I have had to change my vocabulary in order to keep a conversation going without an interruption asking what the word I just said ment. This coupled with the fact that she graduated high school a year before me yet I am three years her academic senior seems, perturbing for a lack of better adjectives. I would love to tell her that we studied cancer cells or dissected a ventricle of a heart but I know she wont understand and that really vexes me. Education is highly stressed on my father's side and I didn't have a choice about attending college or not. (which I am okay with) They all have at least a master's degree in some field, mostly medicine. Introducing her to my dad and his parents without getting bombarded with questions was quite the verbal feat.
This is more of an obstacle than an actual problem however since I'm writing everything on my mind I feel inclined to add this.
The (mostly non existent) sex life. A quick aside before I continue down the other road. She does not know her body at all. The most sexual knowledge that she has is where her clitoris is located. This is also unnerving for me especially when it is more first time down there and she cannot help me out what-so-ever. Carrying on, now I already know what everyone is thinking and trust me I am about as delicate with this topic as I possibly can be at my age. I NEVER bring up sex unless she is in the mood to "try". Now this came about only a month or so ago but I definitely applaud her for it and to clarify she is fine with everything but vaginal sex. I normally spend 30-45 minutes making her feel good and getting her to orgasm. Then we try to put it in, which I will confess that is really hard to do without any knowledge and she doesn't even know where her vagina begins. And to add, she cannot put anything inside of her including tampons because it hurts. Emotionally? Perhaps. Physically? Well I simply don't know. I won't go any further into this since this is like playing on an iced over lake in May.
This next one perhaps is just me being picky but again I'll continue to write.
She has no talents. No musical experience, no gymnastics. No martial arts, no certifications of any kind and she cannot cook more than a salad. I, on the other hand have had to be in something since I was a child. Swim team, track, soccer, football, Tae Kwon Do, Hap Ki Do, and more clubs than I can remember. This must sound incredibly demoralizing and I don't mean it to, but in order to fully articulate my thoughts on this I must be straight with you. (Some might need to re-read this sentence every now and then)
My last and possibly biggest concern.
She has no drive, that I can see. If fate had it to where she would be a teacher's assistant the rest of her life, so be it. She is fine with where she is and that worries me. She is fine living in the same town for the rest of her life. Europe? Asia? Nope I'm fine here. I can somewhat understand this. My step-father is like this, he was born in the same town and still lives there 50 years later. Hell he will probably die there too. I on the other hand cannot stand living in the same place for more than a few years. I have been to two different high schools. I have studied abroad in Japan and have been to Korea. Most of the Central American landmass has been explored by yours truly. Her? She has been to the northern part of mexico on a mission trip. Some people don't like the thought of traveling. People seek comfort in regularity, I understand that. I am more of the type to throw a dart at a map and go. I have, of course brought this up with her and she was hesitant at first so I dropped it. Later she was fine with whatever I chose. Honestly I figured as much. I feel like if I ever did marry her, I would be marrying down.
I really hope this did not turn into a rant like it might seem but I would really, truly appreciate some outside perspective on this.
To start, here is some background information about myself. I am an upperclassman at a very large university. I have taken an extensive amount of non-degree seeking classes to help round myself as a person. Some of these include : Ballroom dancing, Chinese, Japanese (Minor), French and piano (possible second minor). I love learning new things, as of now I am an Aerospace major trying to get a job with a major airline. I am a commercial pilot and have had enough time to venture into the field of medicine. I am currently enrolled in an EMT course followed by my EMT-I next year. When I am not doing that I volunteer at the local hospital. The medical aspect came more into view because of my father's side being mostly all doctors. (Very high expectations)
And now some details about her. (I'm trying to avoid using names.) She is two years older than me, being 22. She loves to run (cross-country) and did that through high school. She has a great supportive family and church group. She loves to go out with her friends and talks highly about all of them. Very caring and motherly, two very attractive features for me. Her highest education is a high school diploma. She did however attend a community college for a year before quitting. She currently works as a teacher's assistant at a special ed high school. She says occasionally that she wants to be a teacher, however she deplores studying and has told me she is a horrible test taker. (Irony I know)
Slightly more backstory.
I met my (first and) current girlfriend 6 months ago at a military Ball. My parents knew her parents and that's how we got together. Skip forward a month and we start dating. I have little to no experience with dating so I err on the side of caution and do extensive research about every topic under the sun. (sex, how to date successfully, do's and don'ts etc..) I tell her this we both laugh and she understands this. She has had two boyfriends in the past, both of them treated her terribly including one of them rapeing her. I learned about his very early on and I chose to help her through this the best I could. Another caveat about me, I have been told I am arrogant and lack empathy. I agree and I've really been working on it.
I will try to narrow down my problems into somewhat refined categories.
Getting into the problems that I personally have noticed. Her education. This bothers me possibly more than it should. I have had to change my vocabulary in order to keep a conversation going without an interruption asking what the word I just said ment. This coupled with the fact that she graduated high school a year before me yet I am three years her academic senior seems, perturbing for a lack of better adjectives. I would love to tell her that we studied cancer cells or dissected a ventricle of a heart but I know she wont understand and that really vexes me. Education is highly stressed on my father's side and I didn't have a choice about attending college or not. (which I am okay with) They all have at least a master's degree in some field, mostly medicine. Introducing her to my dad and his parents without getting bombarded with questions was quite the verbal feat.
This is more of an obstacle than an actual problem however since I'm writing everything on my mind I feel inclined to add this.
The (mostly non existent) sex life. A quick aside before I continue down the other road. She does not know her body at all. The most sexual knowledge that she has is where her clitoris is located. This is also unnerving for me especially when it is more first time down there and she cannot help me out what-so-ever. Carrying on, now I already know what everyone is thinking and trust me I am about as delicate with this topic as I possibly can be at my age. I NEVER bring up sex unless she is in the mood to "try". Now this came about only a month or so ago but I definitely applaud her for it and to clarify she is fine with everything but vaginal sex. I normally spend 30-45 minutes making her feel good and getting her to orgasm. Then we try to put it in, which I will confess that is really hard to do without any knowledge and she doesn't even know where her vagina begins. And to add, she cannot put anything inside of her including tampons because it hurts. Emotionally? Perhaps. Physically? Well I simply don't know. I won't go any further into this since this is like playing on an iced over lake in May.
This next one perhaps is just me being picky but again I'll continue to write.
She has no talents. No musical experience, no gymnastics. No martial arts, no certifications of any kind and she cannot cook more than a salad. I, on the other hand have had to be in something since I was a child. Swim team, track, soccer, football, Tae Kwon Do, Hap Ki Do, and more clubs than I can remember. This must sound incredibly demoralizing and I don't mean it to, but in order to fully articulate my thoughts on this I must be straight with you. (Some might need to re-read this sentence every now and then)
My last and possibly biggest concern.
She has no drive, that I can see. If fate had it to where she would be a teacher's assistant the rest of her life, so be it. She is fine with where she is and that worries me. She is fine living in the same town for the rest of her life. Europe? Asia? Nope I'm fine here. I can somewhat understand this. My step-father is like this, he was born in the same town and still lives there 50 years later. Hell he will probably die there too. I on the other hand cannot stand living in the same place for more than a few years. I have been to two different high schools. I have studied abroad in Japan and have been to Korea. Most of the Central American landmass has been explored by yours truly. Her? She has been to the northern part of mexico on a mission trip. Some people don't like the thought of traveling. People seek comfort in regularity, I understand that. I am more of the type to throw a dart at a map and go. I have, of course brought this up with her and she was hesitant at first so I dropped it. Later she was fine with whatever I chose. Honestly I figured as much. I feel like if I ever did marry her, I would be marrying down.
I really hope this did not turn into a rant like it might seem but I would really, truly appreciate some outside perspective on this.
Some people don't like the thought of traveling. People seek comfort in regularity, I understand that. I am more of the type to throw a dart at a map and go. I have, of course brought this up with her and she was hesitant at first so I dropped it. Later she was fine with whatever I chose. Honestly I figured as much.
So you talked about wanting to travel extensively , at first she was hesitant, and then she said "whatever you want to do " So she thought about it and said she would travel with you? and then you say ......"I figured as much" What does that mean exactly.? "I figured as much" what that she'd change her mind ? So you judge her harshly for changing her mind now?
You were raised by your parent's to be exactly who you are, and by who you are I mean the way you talk about people and the way other people talk about you. We've heard that your girl get's along with everybody and people say you're arrogant and lack empathy. Who exactly would be 'marrying down" given these "REFINED CATEGORIES"
, She was raised by a good Christian family, who taught her to travel to missions in Mexico, (so she's not opposed to traveling). She's probably a beautiful young lady, that's got her GED (her first designation and maybe not her last) a good first job (God blesses us with those that work in the field of Humanities) and not the last. She's a healthy young girl that runs cross country. She's great with her family and has good friends. She belongs to a Church (an organization.) She has proven to be a quality girl that would make a great mother and a wonderful wife.
You say that you feel " that you ever did marry her, I would be marrying down." People call you arrogant and that you lack empathy. You've listed so many things that your parents did for you (your clubs and interests to "round out your personality" and yet you are so cold. You can't even take the time to answer a question by a loved one? It really does sound by your writing, that you greatly value having people hang on your every word, but its it going to far to expect that no one can interrupt you? Doesn't that make you a speech maker instead of a human being conversing. if you're concerned that your girl lacks a higher education, and you cared about his girl, would you not be happy to help her to extend her vocabulary. Is it not better that this girl is interested in learning something new, than to just say nothing and let your words go by without her understanding what you're saying?
uld be really interested to know what words you were using that your soon to be ex didn't know.. Or was it the way you were using your words. For instance , I don't get what "Well I simply don't know. I won't go any further into this since this is like playing on an iced over lake in May. " meant.
So you talked about wanting to travel extensively , at first she was hesitant, and then she said "whatever you want to do " So she thought about it and said she would travel with you? and then you say ......"I figured as much" What does that mean exactly.? "I figured as much" what that she'd change her mind ? So you judge her harshly for changing her mind now?
You were raised by your parent's to be exactly who you are, and by who you are I mean the way you talk about people and the way other people talk about you. We've heard that your girl get's along with everybody and people say you're arrogant and lack empathy. Who exactly would be 'marrying down" given these "REFINED CATEGORIES"
, She was raised by a good Christian family, who taught her to travel to missions in Mexico, (so she's not opposed to traveling). She's probably a beautiful young lady, that's got her GED (her first designation and maybe not her last) a good first job (God blesses us with those that work in the field of Humanities) and not the last. She's a healthy young girl that runs cross country. She's great with her family and has good friends. She belongs to a Church (an organization.) She has proven to be a quality girl that would make a great mother and a wonderful wife.
You say that you feel " that you ever did marry her, I would be marrying down." People call you arrogant and that you lack empathy. You've listed so many things that your parents did for you (your clubs and interests to "round out your personality" and yet you are so cold. You can't even take the time to answer a question by a loved one? It really does sound by your writing, that you greatly value having people hang on your every word, but its it going to far to expect that no one can interrupt you? Doesn't that make you a speech maker instead of a human being conversing. if you're concerned that your girl lacks a higher education, and you cared about his girl, would you not be happy to help her to extend her vocabulary. Is it not better that this girl is interested in learning something new, than to just say nothing and let your words go by without her understanding what you're saying?
uld be really interested to know what words you were using that your soon to be ex didn't know.. Or was it the way you were using your words. For instance , I don't get what "Well I simply don't know. I won't go any further into this since this is like playing on an iced over lake in May. " meant.
You say "She is fine with everything but vaginal sex." You know "She has had one boyfriend who raped her in the past" and yet.. five months into dating "you're trying to put it in" when you know " she can't wear tampons because it hurts". Still, she tries. She tries to have sex with you..
and you won't tell her what a word means when you're talking to her?
and you won't tell her what a word means when you're talking to her?
You say "She does not know her body at all." "She doesn't even know where her vagina begins" and yet "she cannot put anything inside her, including a tampon". So, this girl obviously knows where her vagina is, as she knows from experience that it hurts her to put a tampon in.
You say on one hand, "She has no talents." and on the other hand, "She loves to run (cross-country) and did that through high school." I take it she's still a runner.
I would love to tell her that we studied cancer cells or dissected a ventricle of a heart but I know she wont understand and that really vexes me.
What exactly do you think is so difficult for anyone for anyone with a high school diploma to understand what you've said here? How much of what "vexes" you is even legitimate.?
What exactly do you think is so difficult for anyone for anyone with a high school diploma to understand what you've said here? How much of what "vexes" you is even legitimate.?
My son is 27 and has been traveling the world since he was 20. i know he simply wouldn't be interested in dating a girl who was not into hiking and biking throughout the world,and didn't have the same interests in museums and architecture around the world. He loves meeting people in other countries. Keep it simple and date women that are "into" what you're into. Be very kind about it, but i don't think this girl is right for you, now or in the future . I wish you both all the best..
Ditto my initial post and
Ditto Londres70
I see this as a situation You would like to 'fix'. If so, that will only breed unhappiness and discontent for BOTH of You. You cannot change Her nor should You - but I think You would try - as Your attitude about this seems condescending even now. This will escalate in You over the years. And You will 'soften' it by claiming You want what's best for Her (which is not for You to decide)
You are "perturbed", You are "unnerved", You are "really vexed" - this is way more than a mild difference between You. Your choice of words are a HUGE Red Flag !! . You won't be happy remaining "perturbed", "unnerved" and "really vexed". I see You trying to manipulate and control Her until She 'performs' (measures up) to YOUR standards.
You should move on and find SomeOne who ALREADY is a match for Your ideals. You DO NOT need to be with someone who disappoints You and She SURELY doesn't need it
Ditto Londres70
I see this as a situation You would like to 'fix'. If so, that will only breed unhappiness and discontent for BOTH of You. You cannot change Her nor should You - but I think You would try - as Your attitude about this seems condescending even now. This will escalate in You over the years. And You will 'soften' it by claiming You want what's best for Her (which is not for You to decide)
You are "perturbed", You are "unnerved", You are "really vexed" - this is way more than a mild difference between You. Your choice of words are a HUGE Red Flag !! . You won't be happy remaining "perturbed", "unnerved" and "really vexed". I see You trying to manipulate and control Her until She 'performs' (measures up) to YOUR standards.
You should move on and find SomeOne who ALREADY is a match for Your ideals. You DO NOT need to be with someone who disappoints You and She SURELY doesn't need it
Back to your original question.......... "Should I stay in this relationship."
My answer........... NO
I felt like I was reading a résumé from a potential employee vs. someone asking for advice in regards to his relationship with his gf with bits of sacasm thrown in.
You don't fit into her world and she doesn't fit into yours.
She SHOWED you who she is and either you accept it and let her be who she is or move on. Don't stay in the hopes that she turns into your dream girl. You state that you know she can do better, but perhaps this is her "doing better?" You also stated she was raped by an ex bf, so maybe that is a factor to consider in regards to her choices and behavior. Did she get any counseling after the rape? She could still be grappling with the aftermath from the rape.
I am wondering why you are still with this young woman if you feel this way about who she is and what she is doing with her life?
"Another caveat about me, I have been told I am arrogant and lack empathy. I agree and I've really been working on it."............Given her situation she doesn't need to be paired with someone like this for sure especially after what she has experienced, e.g. raped in the past and being treated badly by former bfs.
I am surprised that you have time to even date with everything you got going on in your daily life.
My answer........... NO
I felt like I was reading a résumé from a potential employee vs. someone asking for advice in regards to his relationship with his gf with bits of sacasm thrown in.
You don't fit into her world and she doesn't fit into yours.
She SHOWED you who she is and either you accept it and let her be who she is or move on. Don't stay in the hopes that she turns into your dream girl. You state that you know she can do better, but perhaps this is her "doing better?" You also stated she was raped by an ex bf, so maybe that is a factor to consider in regards to her choices and behavior. Did she get any counseling after the rape? She could still be grappling with the aftermath from the rape.
I am wondering why you are still with this young woman if you feel this way about who she is and what she is doing with her life?
"Another caveat about me, I have been told I am arrogant and lack empathy. I agree and I've really been working on it."............Given her situation she doesn't need to be paired with someone like this for sure especially after what she has experienced, e.g. raped in the past and being treated badly by former bfs.
I am surprised that you have time to even date with everything you got going on in your daily life.
I agree that I shouldn't waste her time if I am still like this. However I do not and have not ever told her something that makes her feel like less of a person. I support her in whatever I can, I myself not caring for church at all have started going two times a week because she likes that. Don't get me wrong, I do whatever I possibly can, my worries were on the fact that I will continue to change while I'm afraid that she may not. I do not know many people who just want to get by in life so perhaps I'm still inexperienced in that aspect. She is capable of much more and that is what bothers me. Thank you for your thoughts on this. I will be sure to go over this again soon.
Thank you for your straight forward answers. I agree that I too have a lot of work and perhaps I lack the maturity to even be in a relationship. It definitely takes two. Now here is where I need to chime in, I don't put her down, I don't tell her she has done this or that and I certainly only wish her the best. Perhaps my wording was too ambiguous. I know she can do better and if she would set her mind to anything she really could make it happen. What was posted in my question where traits that I am use to seeing in most women. Again my personal opinion. Thank you again for your comments I will re-evaluate as needed to hopefully overcome this.
Thank you for your input. I suppose all of those negative remarks about what she does not have set a bad tone for the remainder of the question. I don't want to change her but if she truly wants to better herself then I'm all for it. I know she can do better is probably what I should have said. Thank you again though for your thoughts.
COMMUNITY LEADER
There is nothing wrong with those who are happy just getting by indeed but do agree that if you aren't that type of person, they would be a bad match for you. Good luck and really, stay true to yourself. it's VERY okay to have high expectations in our partners.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. I think it is fair to expect your partner to be on your same educational/intellectual level. I had an experience in dating in which I found myself with a person that was not as educated, as refined or as intellectual as I. Not that I'm better or worse than that person but it wasn't a match. I want what I view my equal and someone who has the same kinds of goals and interests as I do in a life partner. It wouldn't have worked for me to be with someone who didn't have higher level education, lots of ambition, and the capacity to keep up with me intellectually. (or desire).
I have girlfriends that are like this and it isn't a problem. I could care less how much education someone actually has or how smart they are but to live with someone day in and day out, that was an essential thing for me to keep interested in them.
See what I'm saying is the difference? People are people and all people are what they are and I respect that. But when I'm CHOOSING to be with someone as a life partner, I have to be very careful to make a good decision about what I want. And that means that some people are not going to fit the bill.
And by the same token, it is not a good match for her either to be with you as she will always feel slightly inadequate.
Does that make sense?
And if you are also not sexually compatible, that is yet another layer of why this relationship is probably not best for you.
I do disagree with above in that your being very clear about what you wish she had makes you arrogant. I don't think that is the case. We are SUPPOSED to make these critical judgments when choosing to be with someone. It doesn't mean that someone is a bad person or 'less than ourselves'--- you are saying that she lacks the things you really admire about people.
So, find someone that you DO find the things you admire in a significant other to be with. That is my best advice. good luck
I have girlfriends that are like this and it isn't a problem. I could care less how much education someone actually has or how smart they are but to live with someone day in and day out, that was an essential thing for me to keep interested in them.
See what I'm saying is the difference? People are people and all people are what they are and I respect that. But when I'm CHOOSING to be with someone as a life partner, I have to be very careful to make a good decision about what I want. And that means that some people are not going to fit the bill.
And by the same token, it is not a good match for her either to be with you as she will always feel slightly inadequate.
Does that make sense?
And if you are also not sexually compatible, that is yet another layer of why this relationship is probably not best for you.
I do disagree with above in that your being very clear about what you wish she had makes you arrogant. I don't think that is the case. We are SUPPOSED to make these critical judgments when choosing to be with someone. It doesn't mean that someone is a bad person or 'less than ourselves'--- you are saying that she lacks the things you really admire about people.
So, find someone that you DO find the things you admire in a significant other to be with. That is my best advice. good luck
She doesn't need you looking down on her all the time. Some people are happy just getting by, and there's nothing wrong with that as long as they are not breaking the law.
You need to do the honorable thing and break it off with her so she can find someone who will be less judgemental about her choices in life. It's her life, she gets to decide how she wants to live it. If you aren't capable of accepting her choices then don't keep wasting both of your time and move on.
You need to do the honorable thing and break it off with her so she can find someone who will be less judgemental about her choices in life. It's her life, she gets to decide how she wants to live it. If you aren't capable of accepting her choices then don't keep wasting both of your time and move on.
My "outside perspective"
This Girl needs You as badly as She needs a hole in Her head - make that a BIG hole !!
She does not, can not, will not - ever measure up to Your expectations
AND
She does not deserve a life-time of being 'beat up' by You, forever trying to change who She is.
You are already "picky" (your word) regarding Her having "no talent", "no musical experience", "no gymnastics", "no martial arts", "no certification of any kind", She "cannot cook", She "has no drive"
You are already "perturbed" (your word)
You are already "unnerved" (your word)
You are already "vexed" (your word)
She sounds like a wonderful Girl but obviously in Your (over inflated) opinion She doesn't 'measure up'. In my opinion, You will make YourSelf and Her very unhappy trying to make Her into something She is not.
My after thought:
listen to those who have told You are "arrogant and lack empathy". Again, in my opinion - You have short comings of Your own.
This Girl needs You as badly as She needs a hole in Her head - make that a BIG hole !!
She does not, can not, will not - ever measure up to Your expectations
AND
She does not deserve a life-time of being 'beat up' by You, forever trying to change who She is.
You are already "picky" (your word) regarding Her having "no talent", "no musical experience", "no gymnastics", "no martial arts", "no certification of any kind", She "cannot cook", She "has no drive"
You are already "perturbed" (your word)
You are already "unnerved" (your word)
You are already "vexed" (your word)
She sounds like a wonderful Girl but obviously in Your (over inflated) opinion She doesn't 'measure up'. In my opinion, You will make YourSelf and Her very unhappy trying to make Her into something She is not.
My after thought:
listen to those who have told You are "arrogant and lack empathy". Again, in my opinion - You have short comings of Your own.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
