Should I stay or should I go?

[jackholio]

Hello,

I just googled  "should I stay or should I leave" and found a post on this site from 2007 that was very helpful. but I still have unanswered questions that have been running through my mind for a long time. I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman who means the world to me. We have been together for 10 years and we are both in our late 20s. I love her but there are problems.

The sex has gone from the occasional wild jungle to a dull roar. Its been this way for a 3 years. I am her one and only partner. In college we are having sex more frequently but since then its been down hill. We live together now and it has gone to maybe once a month. I am watching a lot more porn now and thinking about other women while lying in bed with her. I receive many offers from multiple women for sex on a daily basis at work and socially. I'm wondering why all these women want me but my woman doesn't? I cook, I clean the place before she comes home, I randomly come home with flowers and compliment, and book weekend getaways. We have had discussions and discussions about how I want to be intimate with her more. It has gotten to the point that I sat her down and said "honey, I want more sex, how do i get it". and she replies with "be sweet to me" I'm so sweet I would give you a cavity. the kicker about all of this is that the sex is sub par. She is not adventurous is the bed room and wants to do missionary all the time, I stop sometimes because I am so bored. She doesn't want to do foreplay, she takes off her own clothes! That doesn't turn me on at all. The only time the sex will be amazing (but still missionary) when she's had a few drinks and throws her insecurities out the window.

I know i am an attractive guy with a good head on my shoulders and would not have any trouble finding another girl. Is is possible to get the whole package? It seems like I have everything but the amazing sex. Does a lack of bedroom life break up a relationship? It most certainly does. Married men and women cheat all the time because of this and I don't want to be another statistic. I think it's because she does not have experience, is the problem.

So my question: Should I stay with her or leave and find somone else?

[jackholio]

Thanks. I will take a good hard look at what I get out of this relationship. It seems like lately I have been giving more than receiving. The winter is tough but when the weather gets warmer I will be going out more and maybe we will do things together. I don't want to say she's prude but she is set in her ways. I think that's my fault. I never pushed her through all these years to try something new. She is a very stressful person and that does not help either. Sometimes I just feel stuck..I don't want to lose her because what if she is the one and I let her go? I don't want to take that chance so I always feel there is another way. I'm just running out of ideas. Which is why im posting. I don't think I base everything on sex but if you can't have fun in the bedroom with the woman you love, who can you? Is it justifyable to end a long term relationship over lack of bedroom activity? Some say yes and others say no. But if not then I feel that we should have evolved into something more meaningful and it doesn't feel like its happening.

[brice1967]

I may be missing the bus entirely, but I want to offer a couple of other things but please keep my previous post in mind.  

From what I am gathering is, she seems a bit selfish doing girls nights out and late nights at the gym etc.  In the mean time, I am gathering that youa re at home waiting to sweep her off her feet.... any number of things can be happening, but I will suggest the typical male stereo-type way to handle it....  Start doing some of those things yourself.  You get in later, you hit the gym or go have a beer with the boys.  Will it correct anything?  No... not a chance.  But, there is an outside chance she will notice what she is doing and come around...

Another analagy... she seems a bit too self centered.  If you aren't part of her equation, you shouldn't want to be.  I know thats easier said than done... but you evaluate this situation yourself. Tell her you concerns.... if she works on it great, if she has no interest... hit the road running!

And still, my orignial analysis sticks in there somewhere too.  Neither of you may be catering to the others real needs.... yeah, sex is in there... but you cant base a long term realtionship on that alone.  Something has made yous tick around this long.  reevaluate that.  Take a good look... see what youa r getting from the relationship and what is missing.  Communicate this with her.  (Communication means listening to her too, and if she loves you she comes clean)

[RockRose]

Jack,  since you aren't married and you don't mention that you have any children together,  it's your choice to decide to leave or stay.  It's totally up to you.  

It does sound like she's structured her life so there's no time for you,   and she's not willing to offer you sex - which you say you need.

Most women don't want sex as often as their partners,  but mature generous women give it to them anyway,  out of love.

BTW,  your statement that you've have previous long term relationships is confusing.  If you've been together 10 years and you're both in your late 20's,  in fact,  you haven't had any prior long term relationships.  The math doesn't work.  

I wish you the best.  If you are planning to get married,  and have children,  I don't think this is the woman for you.  She's in her late 20's and she's never home and she doesn't put you first in her free time.

[jackholio]

Thank you brice and special mom.
I feel I am in the forever relationship and we are both strong people to get through this. I just don't know if things are going to change. What I feel is hard to explain but I will try. She does a lot of stuff for her. She calls it "me time". She's goes away with friends for weekends, takes a lot of excercise classes and it crazy about being healthy. I have been a big supporter of this but since then our relationship has changed. I don't see her some week nights until 9 pm. And the weekend mornings she goes to class and she is gone by the time I get up. Weekend nights she doesn't want to stay out late so she can get up for class. If we were going home early to be together that would be different. But she goes to sleep no matter how hard I try to initiate sex. I have never had this problem with any other girlfriend. I have had a few long relationships. So is it hopeless? I hate to give up but I don't know what else I can do. It seems like I can't have what I want. I will continue to carry out these convos with her. This is one of the reasons we aren't married; we both agree that the relationship is not in the right place to think about it. But after ten years?  Maybe its not the same as college specialmom but I'm not sure if it matured into something else yet. It seems we are still doing our own thing but never as one. We live under the same roof but come and go without one another. Does that make any sense to anyone? I think it affects our relationship. I have also toyed with the idea that she doesn't like sex. That's its not fun for her and she just wants to get it over with. Sometimes I feel that during sex. I want it to be hot and passionate. I know its there.  It can't be hopeless, and if it is I don't want to stay and be miserable or worse.. resentful.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, you've been with her a long time and living together now, why didn't you ask her to marry you?  I ask that because that is a pretty normal course to follow and wonder if this is something she is interested in.  When you are in a "forever" relationship as marriage is supposed to indicate (if you take it seriously when you take your vows)-----  you work on these issues harder.  I really believe that.  I've been married for almost 11 years and want my partner to be happy, satisfied, etc. as he does me.  That means we communicate, try real hard, and compromise when necessary.  

Sex is one of those things that I always question.  Sometimes it can be lacking due to as Brice says, complacency in the relationship.  You get used to each other.  It gets a big stale.  Our libido can come and go.  Sometimes it can be lacking due to another issue Brice mentions such as a medical issue---------  depression, hormones even plain old stress and fatigue.  But often-----------  it is lacking due to other issues within the relationship.  If someone has some resentment they are holding onto, sex may slow way down.  If a couple is not communicating very well and there is a disconnect, sex slows down.  Things like that are good to really think about and make sure none of that is going on.  Then you can address them with the hope that your sex life will get better.  

I do think there can be an eb and flow to relationships.  In my marriage, right after kids and for a couple of years--------  I was not that interested in sex.  I was tired, feeling unattractive, just in a different mode (hard to go from full time mommy to sex goddess).  But it came back (I'm happy to say!!!).  My libido picked up and my husband and I reconnected with new interest.  

So, my question to you is do you see this as a "throw away" relationship or a "forever" relationship?  I'm in a "forever" relationship in which we worked out the problem.  If you aren't sure which it is, then I think you need pursue much discussion with her.  If she says "be sweet to me"----------- what does she mean by that?  Does she want a ring?  Does she want to feel like you are really interested in her---------  as in you enjoy her mind?  The book Brice refers to talks about different ways people feel loved.  You have to  know what makes your girlfriend feel loved rather than just guessing.  

I'm long winded today.  But hopefully you could find my advice somewhere in there.  Good luck.  Couples will often have different libido and passion levels.  Working on how to find a mutually satisfying amount is key.  And no.  It doesn't usually stay like it was in college.  It matures into something else.  

good luck

[brice1967]

If you read, read a book called "The 5 Love Languages".  It has a bit of a religious undertone, but the meat of the subject is what you're looking for.  Summing it up in very short order, the book describes that there are 5 essential needs, every one is different-as are the needs of every individual.  If you can directly meet the needs of your partner, intimacy will improve.  You will make your partner happier, by externally meeting their needs.

And too, consider complacency.  Ten years is a pretty good go.  The honeymoon is over, so to speak.  That is where the above mentioned book may help.

Also, is everything ok with your girl?  Does she have any psyche issues... depression... anxiety?  Therapy is also an option for you both.