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Avatar universal

Should I stay with my girl? HELP PLEASE!

Hi all and apologies for the long winded question in advance.  I need some advice as I can't seem to work out where I'm at with this predicament.

My girl and I have been together 6 years now.  We are in our mid-30s.  

We are the best of friends, but over the last couple of years and romanticism has pretty much dissipated.  We have an awesome time when we're together, talking freely about all sorts of things, engaging in activities we both like to do, hanging out with mutual friends etc.  We basically have no issues whatsoever with having a fun time together (quite often fuelled by alcohol, though I think that's irrelevant here).  We very rarely fight, and if we do it's resolved immediately.  We are both mature emotionally intelligent people.

We have done a lot of global travel over the last 3 years, basically having traveled the globe for about 12 months of it, and having an awesome time together doing it (again much of it involved tasting local alcoholic beverages in exotic places).  We even got engaged in Egypt.  Though after 12 months of being engaged and neither of us seeming particularly interested in the actual act of marriage, she gave my ring back and without actually saying it we amicably annulled the engagement...

We have been home from our last 3 month trip for 8 months now, and she has failed to find any employment yet, which has put somewhat of a strain on the financial position of our household.  Thankfully I earn pretty good money (albeit in a job that doesn't make me overly happy or challenge me at all), so we've been able to maintain our lifestyle without too much of an issue, though I do feel resentful at times being the sole breadwinner now.  She has been actively looking for work in the industry all these months with no luck.  I often wonder how hard she is actually trying, though she would swear she spends may hours each day looking for work. She also had no hobbies and not many friends, so is home almost all the time.  She is a social being though with our mutual friends.

Lately our sex life has almost completely dwindled away, seemingly from both parties lost interest. We are now down to having sex once a month at best, sometimes as long as once every two months.  For fit and healthy people in our mid-30s, that seems a little extreme.  
I am a sexual person, and constantly find myself sexually attracted to other women (though not acting on it.... mostly), so I don't think there's any actual loss of sexual drive at least on my part.
We do regularly snuggle on the couch watching a movie, but it's far from sexual snuggling.
* She has also almost completely lost interest in exercise and gained a bit of weight, making it even harder for me to find her attractive.

I guess with this background, the crux of this post is that I'm considering whether I should be in this relationship or not.  As you can imagine after 6 years together, our lives and possessions are deeply entwined.  We also have a cat (though thankfully no kids).  I'd love to hear some opinions on this, as I'm a bit lost in the complexity of the situation and I'm not sure if being best friends with some can outweigh the almost complete lack of sexual and romantic intimacy.  

Thanks in advance for all your help :-)


5 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, it is hard to tell you exactly what to do because (well, first, it is always someone just giving their opinion based on one snippet of information) the situation is less cut and dry than others.  There's no toxicity and there are some nice parts to the relationship.  For some, they are happy with that as a foundation and then can work on the rest.  

I'm not sure where you are at with this.  

And if she is indeed depressed, treating that would make things better.  (possibly).  

I do believe we date for a reason and that is to rule people in or out for the next phase of the relationship.  The goal is to be as happy as you can be in the end.  If this relationship is leaving you wanting on a regular basis and you find yourself quite unhappy, then it is probably best for you to take action.  To discuss clearly with her what needs work---  why she isn't working 'something' at this point, why she doesn't want to exercise or socialize, why is she not interested in sex.  not an accusatory conversation but a lay it out on the table conversation.  

There are many very happily married men that love their partner even if the relationship isn't perfect.  There are some that are deep down unhappy and resentful.  You don't want to be the second guy.  Take steps now to make sure you aren't---  good luck
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Avatar universal
Thanks Life360 :-)
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Avatar universal
Yes your comment makes sense to a degree, and thanks for taking the time.  I'm not entirely sure as to the advice though.  I suppose based only on this, your comment that it's up to me what I do is valid.  It just doesn't help me progress any further... Relationships do go through highs and lows, this is just beginning to feel less like a 'phase' and more like the reality of our future together, which I think perhaps I'd find somewhat incomplete as to only fulfilling one side of the duality.  Can I be friends and companions with someone my whole life with little or no intimacy?  Is she perhaps depressed?  Yes no doubt.  She shows some of the signs, but not all.  If she is depressed, I can't pull her out of it alone.  She has to want to do it...  Thanks again for your comment specialmom.  Great to have the input :-)
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I agree with some of above.  I do think you mention some great things about the two of you.  That is wonderful that you have some mutual interests such as traveling and such and that your relationship is calm and comfortable.  

It sounds like this move where she hasn't found employment yet has been rough on things.  Do you suspect she might be depressed at all?  You mention some things that make me wonder this such as not being THAT motivated to find true employment (even if just a part time job outside of her industry for extra money and to feel productive), the lack of motivation to work out and gaining of weight, the low libido, the staying isolated and inside the home most of the time, etc.  Are you worried about her??  Could she be mildly or more than mildly depressed?  Depression can be chemical in nature and is treatable if that is the case.  Food for thought.

Now, relationships do often have an eb and flow in my opinion.  I know I've had highs and lows over 14 years of marriage and 17 years total together with my husband.  My body has changed after we had our two kids and I'm adding on the years.  I do try but with different goals in mind.  I want to be comfortable in my clothes and to be healthy and yes, look half way decent . . . but this is different than when my husband met me and I was WAY into my physique and how I looked.  I'd have to say my husband has changed in this regard as well after marriage and time together.  I still find him handsome and hopefully he still finds me attractive.  Ha, he says so anyway.  But, definitely we are both different than when we met.  So, some of these things naturally occur.  But it almost sounds like these changes were only in the last 8 months after this move which brings me back to what might be going on with her.

I guess it is like anything---  you have to decide if you want to stick by and work on it or not.  That is really something only you can decide.  Long time relationships can be hard work but quite loving and wonderful or they can be something someone always holds resentment and bitterness in their heart over.  I wouldn't go for the second one personally so would try to work on the first one.  And if I could get things on track, I personally would move on if no children are in the picture yet.  

Does that make sense?
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi, this is not complex as your at a point where some real relationship work has to take place. Youve mentioned all the fun and easy stuff but seem to be backing away a bit since you have to compromize things of interest to you. Youve been together for 6 years, what do you thing it will be like when your with her for 25 years! If 6 is a puzzle, you aint seen nothing yet.

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