Damn, you described me. Except I wasn't always this way. Why don't you try helping her become adventurous. Sometimes people become antisocial they get so dependent on their relationship that they lose contanct with everything else. I don't hangout with any friends anymore. I see my boyfriend almost everyweekend. My bf use to never want me to go out and I think I just got use to that now its like I want to go have fun but Idk where to even start. I wonder if she likes the way shes living. You should ask her.
I know this is an old post but I am going through a break up at the moment which is so similar it's uncanny! Out of curiosity, how are you doing now?
If you think it is bad now then wait until you have been married for 20 years.
There is a passage in Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light.
PRAYING FOR THE END OF TIME
I couldn't take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother's grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!
So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
'Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time,
So I can end my time with you!!
Trust your instinct, make the call and end the relationship now. Yes her feelings will be hurt but it will ultimately do her and yourself some good.
I made the exact mistake and I have regretted it ever since. Better to be alone and content than stuck with someone whom you despise. You will meet someone with whom you 'click' and when you do it will be magical.
I wish I had someone tell me the same thing 20+ years ago. I may never have found my soul mate but I would have been far more content with my life. Now all I have is to wait for the inevitable.
green im in the same situation right now...So me and my girlfriend are both seniors in highschool and have been dating since freshmen year. And i absolutly love the first two years weve been dating. But now im feeling horrible. A year ago she lost all of her outside friends because she only wanted to hang out with me. So she depends on me for absolutly everything now. i never have time to hang out with friends now because when i do she gets pissed. she takes everything out on me now because she has noone else to take it out on. i honestly hate this relationships now. i want to break up with her but i don't want to hurt her. ive tried to get her friends but she just doesnt try to. anyways im scared that if i break up with her she will be alone and miserble and might hurt herself. My friends are telling me i need to think about myself in this situation because if i don't then im going to be unhappy for a long time. But since youve already dealt with this can you give me some needed info/tips
Yes, this is an old post. Thanks for trying to help the poster. It's hard to find the right mix in a relationship to make it work, isn't it?
This post is so old, but still I'd like to comment. You were just freaking out because you knew your lady wanted to marry you asap. You were afraid to commit on that level, so you started to give excuses, finding faults on that girl. So actually I think the problem was not with your ex-gf, but problem was in you.
I do understand why your ex-gf used to stay at home all day long, everyone could get tired after working day. Btw, you didnt write whether you had job or not, so sure how could you know how your ex-gf could feel.
You mentioned your ex-gf used to work till late, you didn't have much time together, so why you couldnt meet your friends before those hours instead..and then try to spend time with ur ex of weekends
If I were you, I would take the risk to let it go. First instincts are usually right. I found this quote once:
'"People rarely make a decision as a product of long deliberation. They may take weeks to announce a decision but often make the decision in minutes, even seconds. People do not gather data to make a decision; they often gather it to justify their decision. They are not accumulating understanding, they are seeking comfort and support. Most decisions are made, then justified, rather than the other way around."
And this is exactly your case. Listen to your instincts. Your emotions are playing you. In the end, both will be hurt, but it will be for the best. Stop torturing yourself mentally!!!
I am the other girl in this situation. For maybe 6 months he has been disconnected from his relationship and confused. During the summer, we were dating, and I had no idea he was still with her. I then learned: they were together since 4 years and own a house. I don't think they were ever going out together, since we were practically spending the evenings together. He then told me I was his happy escape.
I think he is going through the same emotional path as you are. And from my point of view, I can say that he is not happy, and he is worried he will be hurting her, and wasting an important part of his life. When you are in your early 20s, it feels like it is the only thing you have ever known, but if you are not happy now, you probably never will feel completely satisfied with her and always have this subconscious questioning about your relationship.
I am exhausted for him, seeing him struggling with his feeling. I am not expecting to get him back, and I am not talking with him since I learned, but he texted me a few times, and I know his girlfriend is extremely jealous.
Agree....you did the right thing. Plus, she should be trying to "grow up" for you, but for herself. She has to want change for herself not to keep a bf hanging aroung.
Your statement from a previous post..."Our relationship was great in the beginning, with pretty good sex and a lot of fun." Unfortunately, sounds like that pretty much sums up the relationship.....nothing more and nothing less.
I'm sorry You are Both hurting but You are Both nice People - who just aren't right for Marriage to One Another. Having been together for so long, of course it is painful for You both to part - but it would be even Greater Pain had this taken place after a Marriage of several years, and perhaps, Children too!! Better now than later. So, I'm sorry for Your pain and Hers as well, but You will heal, You Both will heal and hopefully, because of this experience You will both choose more compatible partners Your future.
You did the right/best thing and BOTH of You will know that after time eases the guilt and loneliness You're feeling right now. After all, You were together for a long time and nobody quit liking anyone here - You both do care about the other. The hurt will pass for You Both.
So it took me 4 months, but I finally ended things a couple of weeks ago. I gave her some more time and made sure she was aware of the things that were bothering me to see if we could work things out. She put effort into improving our sex life, but really nothing else. I reached a breaking point and just couldnt go on any longer.
The moment the breakup happened, she began texting me saying she's suddenly changed and she's grown up and wants the same things I do. She keeps saying she will be the one to come out on top, that she will succeed in life with or without me. If there's anything i've learned from past relationships, it's that people don't change... at least that's what I think.
The past couple of weeks have been really hard for me. I feel guilty, have moments of regret, but probably just because im feeling lonely. I lost my best friend of 5 years. I'm trying to stay strong and hope that the feelings of regret eventually subside.
Thank all of you for the great comments.
I don't want it to seem like I need to go out to the bars and part every night. It would just be nice to have her by my side (willingly) when we do go out once a week or so.
specialmom, you're right. I do agree that sometimes I don't feel like I respect her for who she is. I want better things for her in terms of her career, which would trickle down into better things for both of us... more time together, more money for a house, etc. It frustrates me that she doesnt want this and I guess I've lost a little bit of respect for her because of it. She still says she wants better for herself, but doesn't know what she wants to do. I guess I could give it more time, but I'm just not sure anything will change.
Lots of good comments by the ladies above.
You basically grew up with this girl and were in a relationship before you really even knew what you wanted for your life. Frankly, you still don't in your 20's. (IE: my educational level is similar to your moms and was in the midst of a successful career when I had my first child . . . which changed everything for my husband and I. I'm a stay at home mother now and feel fortunate that my husband sees great value in that and treats me well for it. I have loads of ambition but not all ambition is related to progressing professionally-------- I already did that and stopped working at 38 years old when I had my first kiddo. My point being----------- you'd never have thought it of my husband or myself that our family dynamics would change our paths so drastically and that is the kind of thing you find out as life goes on).
It, in all honesty, doesn't sound like you respect who your girlfriend is very much. I'm sure she senses that a little and it is cruel to stay with her at that point. She'll never feel good enough for you----------- you've basically said she's not smart enough, not ambitious, loser for working at the mall (which the path of retail management CAN be a good one), she is antisocial, she is not fulfilling you sexually, etc.
You sound like you want your youth and that is reasonable. My husband doesn't leave me or our kids to go to bars and hang out with friends . . . that is something you care about in your 20's. We, instead, at 40 have nice dinners with friends together, invite people over with their kids, etc. to get social time with friends. My husband watches an occasional sporting event with his buddies and does a guys weekend once a year to a cabin in the woods to do 'guy things'. So, again------- my point is that you are at a particular time in your life in which you want to 'EXPERIENCE' things and go out and stay really close to all your buddies from school---------- and you should.
I think you are going to have to move on here. For her sake as much as yours. You don't want her to feel bad about herself and like she doesn't stack up--------- she'll take that on to her next relationship and be more vulnerable to bad relationships.
good luck
Sorry, my typing is so bad at times.
"she wants someone who she can depend on"......meant to say "she wants someone who she can be dependent on."
Totally agree with Thatquietgirl.
First point......You are looking for someone like your mother and she is looking for someone like her dad. You two are not compatible whatsoever. You want someone more independent and she wants someone who she can depend on.
Second point.....Often these relationships just don't work out in the end because of the young age they were begon. You all went from children to adults. One goes through so many changes and stages maturing into an adult meaning the person at 13 is NOT going to be the same at 25. There are alot of statistics on high school sweethearts couples and these relationships not lasting long into adulthood or surviving adulthood.
Sounds like you two are more compatible as friends and nothing more.
If the situation stays "as is" or "status quo" things will get worse and I sure wouldn't advise marrying her.
My stepson just went through this. He was with his high school sweetheart for 8 years and they decided to move in together...and then...they split. Now, I think they are loosely friends.
Yes, this will be devastating if you both break up, but I wouldn't prolong the inevitable just to avoid dealing with pain.
Find someone who you don't have to change into "this or that;" someone you don't have to mold.
You MUSN'T cheat!! - DON'T DO THAT!!
Other than that (the cheating) You both sound like Very Nice People who simply are not Compatible. You've been Together a long time, You don't dislike One Another BUT You are not Compatible. The question is can You be happy with these differences for the rest of Your Life - can She?? Would it be fair to YourSelf - would it be fair to Her?? Would You end up cheating again??
and if You do cheat again what do You think that will do for the relationship?? It's probably time for You to move on - but be Gentle and be Kind when You let Her down - She doesn't need to know about Your infidelity - that would add to devastation to Her pain and She doesn't deserve that.
Good way to think it through.....
My thoughts:
I am not a social person, I'm a homebody, and I do not hang on my husband when he is home, but in my mind he is my protector, my shield....and he was a man looking for a woman to protect and love. As we matured we noticed things weren't exciting but relationships go thru stages and we knew to expect the different stages. Were already thru the me, me,me stage and into finding ways to please and serve each other, one of the last mature stages.....
I have church friends and few hobbies. Although when I spend an evening playing the piano, husband usually comments how he's proud, and he listens and comments a little even though he is on video game. We are best friends and don't go out with friends maybe twice a year, but we are very compatible, and he loves it that we see eye to eye on socializing!
You guys do not see eye to eye, she is into pleasing only you, but in an immature way sort of. I can see your relationship going sour just because of the socializing. I doubt you will change soon. Will she be devastated?
If you do try to come back some day, she will probably have already found a great guy that sees her as a treasure.
We have different upbringing possibly and you dont need a sermon....but I would tell my son to come back home, get to confession, and get his party/ friend time out of the way. THAT Still leaves the door open for you both!
Good luck!
If you've felt this way for six months without coming to any sort of resolution, I doubt your feelings are going to change regardless of how much she may appear to change. You're probably going to be stuck wondering what you're wondering now, "Did she really change?" and the added question, "When's she going to stop feeling like she has to impress me and just let go again?"
Ultimately, it's your choice what you're going to do, but if you're not happy with her now, you're probably not going to be happy with her down the road, and I'm sure you know you both deserve people who you're truly happy with and who can be truly happy with each of you.
I'd say at the very least set down a set amount of time (without telling her; the worst thing to do is make her feel like she's got an ultimatum) that you'll allow to see if she changes and if how you feel about her changes, and if it doesn't, just cut if off then.