Hi! Glad you are here. I swear, I've had this same experience (well, similar with different details). Right? The not knowing is hard. Two theories . . . first, the old cliché "nothing risked, nothing gained". Taking a risk makes you vulnerable. But it 'could' net you an outcome you think would be fantastic. You, yourself, have to keep reality in check. We tend to romanticize people where we don't have closure and we long for them. Borderline autistic can mean a lot of things these days and shouldn't be a deal breaker. But it means you'd have to accept that he may have trouble connecting emotionally at times, not understand signs, social cues, clues to how you feel even when you think you are being really obvious. You can't assume anything with him in terms of trying to read his emotions or thinking he is reading yours. But you seem to have unfinished business here. So, you could be direct and clear. Tell him you really want to set up this coffee date to talk to him. You were happy to see his text and idea to get together made you happy so you'd like to make it happen. I know you just did and he said ya, cool. So, maybe said in a few days, send him two or three days you are free and if he is not, ask him when he is. Try to close the deal. lol I think you'll have to read the situation when you are with him for how to proceed from there.
You don't want to scare him off. I do think I wouldn't waste 'much' time though in determining if it is 100 percent friends on his part. And if you feel it is, don't waste your time. You have feelings for him and it doesn't work, in my opinion, to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. The relationship is then always out of balance.
You could also invite him to do something other than coffee to have something fresh to approach him with. tell him there is a place you want to try, does he want to meet there for lunch. just something different to offer. But you know him and what would be more natural.
The alternative is to just do nothing. If he is really interested in meeting up with you, he'll give you some dates to do it. If he never does, he is not truly interested. (although, maybe he is afraid of the same things you are).
I do think you risk getting hurt. But in life, those are the best risks to take in my opinion. And you always think of him, it would be good to put an end cap on it if it is never ever going to happen. By the way, my sister went out on two dates with a man that she liked. He never called her again. A year later they bumped into each other. A year after that, they were married. Not putting false hope in there but . . . it happens. :>)))))
It does help to talk. Talk away any time. So, really though, if he is a person who doesn't get nuances, things like hints aren't likely to work. You have to be direct. Are you free Friday, Saturday or Sunday This week for coffee? I'm open and flexible and will make any time work. It's certainly not playing hard to get, lol. But if your end result is meeting up with him, this leaves no room for misunderstanding that he didn't get the hint or not. You are giving three days to pick a time. If he chooses not, then you know.
I don't think it is dumb to want closure. And he DID contact you and mention the get together himself. On the other hand, we tend to ruminate over someone until we have it built up to they are the person we should marry when it is mostly based on our mind obsessing over them. That's is probably part of this. Should you start to date him, I think you have to remain objective to getting to know him again and understanding that you two did have some issues that would need to be dealt with as a couple.
But if it were me, I'd just make a direct overture to get together this weekend or next that you can't wonder if he got the hint or not. :>)
So a few things...
First, I have no idea what "borderline autistic" actually means. Is he on the autism spectrum disorder? Has he been actually diagnosed?
In any case, like specialmom said, people on the spectrum often have a harder time picking up on social cues that you or I might get right away. Dropping hints doesn't work well. (Obviously, people on the spectrum are all different, and these are all generalities, and I haven't ever met your friend.)
I absolutely agree with specialmom. Just be direct. What do you have to lose at this point? "Hey, wanna do coffee on Sunday around 11?" Or say, "Listen, I'd like to try our relationship again. I love being your friend, but think we could be great as more. What do you think?"
Why do you care about seeming needy at this point? You have a need, and want to know if he can meet it. Your hints aren't working, and lots of men who aren't on the spectrum don't get hints, either. Just say it. Be direct, not tongue in cheek.
The worst he can say is no, right? Being the cool, non-needy girl isn't working for you here (and it's a waste of time and feeds into a whole stigma of women, anyway, but I won't get into that, and you should be thankful for that lol), so be direct.
If he thinks you're needy and whatnot, this isn't the guy for you.
You can totally do this. Let us know. :)
If you do really "know deep down he doesn't want me" (I mean, if you're not just saying that to be hyperbolic) and if before, when you were seeing each other, he clearly said he didn't want a complete relationship that would progress to something serious, you might consider the opposite approach to asking him to get together now. You might instead try to face that probably more than half of your attraction to him is made up in your own head by filling in your favorite fantasy details from inadequate cues, and it's not in fact who he is. He has said he is borderline autistic. Does that attribute feature strongly in your love fantasies? What would it be like to "pour your heart out" to him and have him not understand you, or respond inappropriately like tell friends because he didn't figure it was private? Has he ever done anything in real life when you were together that indicated deep understanding of you, the ability to love and protect you, and interest in putting you before himself? Sometimes when we want to love someone, we take a guy who is about 20% of what we want and project the other 80% onto his hapless image, just so we can love someone. I wonder if you are doing this.