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Avatar universal

Should I tell my boyfriend to move out?

My boyfriend and I live together. (Well he lives with me). I pay the rent, utilites, etc. He gives me no money to help pay for anything. He barely works and if he does its just once a week. He will get a job but then quit because he doesnt like being told what to do. I work full time 40 hours a week while he is home everyday either sleeping or playing play station. It sickens me that he stays home all day and eats and sleeps and then stays up night doing the same thing. I have two kids (one is his) and I have to make sure they are taken care of also. My son is 6 and he is autistic. My boyfriend is supposed to take him to school in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. He claims he doesnt have any money and no gas. He oversleeps in the morning so my son missed school because of him being irresponsible. Just last week I asked him to hold his daughter so I can have 5 minutes to eat. I just made my plate and it was steaming hot. As soon as I sat down he brings her to me and says I just got a call I have to go. No explanation and he just left. I was so upset. I am tired of being mistreated and taken advantage of. I get no help from him and I see no reason of being with him. I have been unhappy for a long time but have just been tolerating it. I have taken back my key more than once and had the locks changed because of him. He has gotten so use to me paying all the bills I feel like he doesnt have to work. I blame myself because I let it get this far. He said he demnds that I respect him because he is a man but he does nothing a man is supposed to do. Im sorry but I cant respect a grown man that sleeps all day and plays the game and lets the woman pay all the bills. I am serioulsy going to break up with him because I have reached my breaking point. What do you think?
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Avatar universal
Honey, you need to get him out of the house ASAP. You are too kind to him, and he does not appreciate it at all. I have never heard of someone as arrogant as he is. I'm sure you can find someone much better than him. There are a lot of men around, you have to take care of yourself
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
I didn't read everyone else's responses so forgive me if I am redundant. It, unfortunately, sounds like you don't have 2 kids but 3. Perhaps he has more going on like being neurodivergent himself or with mental health. Does he care for his child he has for you at all? Is this new? I hate to put it this way but why would you stay with and have a child with him if this has always been the case? Clearly this is a heavy and unfair burden on you being the only responsible adult here. And he certainly isn't an equal partner (does he do some cleaning at least?). That really stinks. I'd not really want to continue the arrangement if it bothers you. But I also think a little soul searching within yourself is in order for how you got into this situation so deeply with a child with him and what sounds like a long time together Things like this can repeat if we don't understand what happened at the root. Take care
Helpful - 0
Just an update... I told him he needed to leave and he didnt take it well. I told him to give me my key back or I was going to change the locks and he said change the locks. He was still in the house and we hadnt spoke all week. I would be at work and he would be there just sleeping or playing the game. On monday I changed the wifi password and disconnected his devices from the internet that I pay for. He didnt say anything about it. When I would come home in the evening he either wasnt here and/or would come in late so we didnt really see each other. Sleeping in seperate areas. Fast forward to today I come home from work to find he unplugged the cords to the internet box and the cords for the tv and also took the remote. They arent anywhere here and I am pretty sure he took them with him so I wouldnt be able to hook it back up. So here I am without internet but at least I have a roof over my childrens and I head. Im not going to lie I was a little upset about it but I will be ok. I took it upon myself to change the locks this evening so if he ever tries to show his face here he will be in for a rude awakening when he wont be able to get in.
Cables and even a new remote, all of those can be replaced. Cheap at twice the price, if you got rid of him.
Yep, what Annie said - all of those can be replaced and totally worth it to be rid of him.

If it's through your cable company, call them and ask for a new remote. Search Amazon for another TV cord and internet cord, or call the company.

It's a lot cheaper than feeding him, I'm sure. :)

Good for you!!
Yes I contaced my cable company and they are having a tech come out tomorrow to hook the internet back up. I also did find the tv cord and remote from amazon. He came yesterday (with attitude of course) and got the majority of his things. The rest is in the living room. He said he needed to come back to get it cause he needed someone to help him lift the heavy stuff. It just hurts cause I actually love him despite everything that he has done now and in the past. I just let it slide cause I did love him and I allowed too much and let him get away with a lot that I know most woman wouldnt  tolerate. Is it going to take me a while to get over this and I just dont know how. I am so emotional thinking what could I have done differently. How could I have made it work? I wanted to keep my family together and didnt want it to be like this. I cant eat cant  sleep and had to take a mental health day from work today. I am just sad and I dont know how long it will take me to be ok.
Don't let him con you, he already has for too long. You couldn't have made it work because he wasn't trying.
Listen, it's a break up. It's going to hurt. Just because he was a jerk doesn't mean it is going to be easy.

You are falling back into the trap, though - YOU can't make it work. He's not helping you. Remember all the times that you've talked to him, tried to work through things, and it always reverts to the same.

I know you wanted to keep your family together, and it's sad that it isn't, but you can't be responsible for another fully grown adult. My parents stayed together for "the sake of the kids", and trust me, it's no favor to kids.

It might take you awhile to be okay. It's okay to be sad. Be angry, though, too. Remind yourself of the reasons you are doing this. Do you want your daughter to think it's okay to be treated like you are in a relationship? Do you want your son to have the idea that this is a role model for a man?

You ALL deserve better. It's okay to be sad. You are losing someone you had big hopes for. You are probably losing plans and hopes for the future. It's okay to mourn that. Just remember that nothing has changed. He has no job. He was taking no responsibility while not working. It's not like he was a responsible stay at home dad.

He took your remote and TV cords out of spite and immaturity. Who does that? Remind yourself that a man who is worthy of you wouldn't do that to you or your kids.

I'm sorry you're sad, but not surprised. Just be sure to be angry, too.
A man with five other kids who freeloads off of you and doesn't even take care of your children, is not helping you create a family. Mourn the loss of your dreams, the real life you had with him is not worth mourning.
Thank you all for the words of wisdom that I needed to hear. It is tough and I know will be ok its just hard you know. I forgot to mention after he left fro getting his things he called me but I didnt answer. He then sends me voice text message basicaly saying that if he asks me to see his daughter and I say no he really wouldnt care. He said all woman are the same(his other kids mom wont let him see his kids) and wouldnt be surprised if I told him he couldnt see her.
I see that as a way to manipulate you into saying, "Look! I'm not like all the other women. I'll for sure let you see your kid. See how different and cool I am?"

He has a stunning lack of insight into his own responsibility for what he's done. There are likely great reasons the other women won't let him see his kids, if he even tries. And isn't that a great story he can tell himself when he doesn't try? All women suck, they are all the same, and that's why he has no interaction with any of his kids.

It's so easy to fall for stuff like this. I've been there. In time, you'll realize how much you did for him, and how free you feel now, not tiptoeing around all the time. You'll wake up one day and realize you aren't sad anymore, I swear. (You'll also realize how much more money you have, too.)

You are a mom - an autism mom, at that. You are already so much stronger than you even know.
Thank you. I appreciate that. I know this process will take time and I cant let him manipulate me anymore. He actually just texted me this picture that said "a man will sacrafice his life for his family while a woman will sacrafice her family for her feelings". I didnt respond but I wanna ask how exactly was your life sacraficed lol. Another form of his manipulation.
Lol it's like he's never met a woman, ever.

Has he ever seen a mental health professional? He sounds like he has narcissistic traits. Another reason to run, and run fast.

And at least he's making it easier to not be sad.  

I have reading about narcissistic characteristics and he has them lol. In his eyes nothing is wrong with him and thinks he knows and has the answers to everything.
I believe it. The guy I was referring to earlier was actually diagnosed with it. They are so easy to fall for because they know exactly what to say.

You're going to be okay, I promise. Get him to get his mail forwarded to wherever he's living, file for child support (not that he'll pay it, but at least you'll have it done), and then go low contact, only to talk about your daughter.

You're going to realize how tense it's been in your house, I promise, and how much you've been living with that you didn't even realize.
He literally seems like a spoiles brat. I bet his mommy and daddy just let him get away with whatever which is why he acts like a petulant child when things didn't go his way (that situation with cords and remote). The fact he says he doesn't care whether you allow him to see his daughter or not says everything you need to know about his character. Don't let him see that you still love him or he'll play that card and try and manipulate you into doing what he wants. He obviously didn't show any sign that he's willing to change in order to make it work, cause he thinks he doesn't have to and that you have to accept him for who he is. Just ignore him don't answer his calls and have some time for yourself and your kids.
Well, maybe not a spoiled brat, maybe the opposite -- neglected or abandoned. He doesn't act like there was a responsible father figure in his life at all, and if his mom didn't take good care of him that would explain his insulting attitudes about women.
Yea he never had any mail coming her. He was still getting mail at his parents house lol. His parents are still together been married I think for over 30 years. He is spoiled because he is the youngest and has all older sisters. Im not sure why he views things the way he does or why he treats woman the way he does. He should know better. After meeting his parents he wasnt raised the way he was acting. Its crazy because all his sisters all have stable lifes good jobs but he is the only one who is scattered all over the place no stable job and confused lol. He told me it doesnt matter if he has a job or not rich or poor he should still be respected because he is a man.
He's 39 years old, right?
Oh that's fascinating - penis = respect.

There's a reason he doesn't get mail at your house, and still gets mail at his parents. He isn't expecting to stay at any woman's house long term, so he uses his parents' place as a fall back. Apparently, his parents keep letting him.

Red flags that are easy to see after.
134578 tn?1716963197
I think you are in a relationship with a child, not a man, and he isn't going to change. This is the guy with five other kids besides the one with you, right?
Helpful - 0
I agree with that. Sometimes I feel like I an raising 3 children. I dont think he will change he is very set in his ways. Yes he has 5 other kids.
Can you swing child care for the 2-year-old if he's gone? Are you already paying for that from another source and he isn't doing any of it? If so, I'd say there is no reason left for him to stay around because he is contributing exactly nothing, all the while draining your monetary and emotional resources, and acting like he gets a free ride because he has a penis. Choose your next partner more wisely, and don't get pregnant again until you have a responsible, solvent husband.
My daughter goes to daycare so I dont have to worry about care for her during the day. He doesnt help with that either I pay for daycare myself. I am going to tell him he has to leave. No use in having him here and he doesnt help with anything. The sad thing is that he sees nothing wrong with me paying everything and he just gets to sleep all day. He shows no effort in trying to help. I even pay for his doctor appointments. He has on health insurance so he is self pay and it comes out of my account. I do way too much for him with no help in return and no appreciation. Its unfortunate.
Well, it's "unfortunate" for sure, but mostly that you have been willing to put up with it. Is he unusually handsome that he can get away with shucking and jiving and taking no responsibility all his life?

Anyway, after he's gone, in your shoes I'd do a lot of thinking about why you put up with him for these past three years or more. First he pressured you to get an abortion, and then he freeloaded all this time and acts like he's got something special when he clearly doesn't. Don't pay for anything else, don't let him have access to your bank accounts, don't make it possible for him to steal anything on the way out. Just get rid of him. Get a girlfriend to help you who has a spine. Good luck.
I have nothing really to add to what Annie has said, except I agree totally.

I had a man like this, though not to this degree. It will NOT ever change.

Therapy helped me understand why I was willing to settle for it. It will help you, too.

And omg, if he has access to your bank accounts, get him off that before kicking him out.

Good luck!
Oh yea he doesnt have access to any of my bank accounts and none of my money. He only knew the internet password(he is not an authorized user) but I changed that today. See above for update.
The other thing to do for your safety and security is to tell your friends and family what is happening, and to tell them at your daughter's daycare too. (You sure don't want him to go pick her up or anything.)
Keep to your convictions, trulyme, and don't let him manipulate you any more -- you're a better person than he is and you know it. At this point, any remorse you feel (including glorifying "keeping my family together") and any other b.s. line he can think of trying to make you feel, is just that, a manipulation. Don't enhance his ability to con you. Other fools might reward him for this insulting game he plays, and his disdain for women, but you don't have to. He's a jerk who has developed an effective line, and he's good at picking women who will fall for it. Take a lot of time for you (no more relationships for a while, please!). See a counselor or if you have a good one, a minister, and talk it over. You will have a happier and better life with your kids and him gone, than the half-baked life he's been imposing on you. Stay strong.  

(((HUGS))) Annie

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