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Should I tell my mom my stepdad is gay?

A few years ago my mother got remarried. It seemed kind of rushed and shady on his side not hers. All the kids and my husband were a bit wary. A few years later, i stumbled across porn on their computer. they kept having all these computer virus problems and i was cleaning out all these photos of men. at first i thought it was my baby sister going through something as it was all older men. then i used my stepdad's computer one day to check my email and checked the history because the history on the household computer was always erased and he is supposed to be computer illiterate. well it was loaded with gay porn. i talked it over with my husband and we decided to not say anything as my mom seems very happy and they have a lot in common and their life together seems like it has bloomed. recently i was over at their house and the history had not been erased. it was like he stopped covering it up. their were a few movies out there for anyone to see and when i checked craigslist for something i noticed the men looking for men had been surfed on several surrounding area craigslists. This really worries me as if he's physically active this can be very dangerous to my mother's health not to mention the social and emotional repercussions. they are both in their mid fifties. should i say something or stay out of it?
16 Responses
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968908 tn?1274871115
couldn't you just by accident leave the file to the porn on display so your mum can easily find it??   That way you dont get directly involved but are protecting your mum at the same time, then if indeed she does know about it already it will mean nothing but if she doesnt then she can confront him over it and sort it out before something happens....
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Avatar universal
didnt mean to send two
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Avatar universal
confront him nicely, if he admits to it then ask him to talk to her or you will, maybe she knows? he wouldn't marry her at that age if he was gay
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Avatar universal
I think you should kindly and privately confront him, if he says it's his tell him if he's gay either to tell her or don't do anything. if he was gay he wouldn't be with her?
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Avatar universal
Hmmm, well if this was my Mom I would want her to know for sure, and it would be her choice whether to stay with him or not. There could be two sides of this...1: being that she knows already AND is ok with this...or 2: she has no clue.

I honestly would just talk to her and say innocently, "hey Mom I think I might have an idea as to why the computer is running so slow...I came across some porn websites in the history and I heard those can cause a slow down to the computer system". See what she says and go from there.
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Avatar universal
Okay, that little devil voice on my left shoulder is speaking out again,.lol  Sorry, but if it was my mother? I would simply alert her  as to what is on the computer and leave it there.  I would do it in such an innocent way tht let her off the hook from her thinking I had any pre conceived thoughts about it. Something like Hey Mom! Here is what might be interfering with the running of your computer, have you been surfing curious topics or what? The angel on my right shoulder is telling me yes, she needs to know but done in a very careful and  non confrontational  way. Then you have to trust your mom and leave it alone. IMO
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, you've gotten a mixed bag of advice here.  Your gut is telling you that something is not right.  So, let your mom know.  But try to keep judgement and involvement to a minimum.  If they are a happy couple as it appears outwardly, she may react in a way that surprises you.  So just stay out of what ever happens if you disclose the info.  Also, I would just expect some repercussions.  Sometimes the messenger does get shot.  good luck!
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Avatar universal
every once in awhile someone else has access to their computers and i thought it might be someone else for awhile but it's on his work computer too. the porn itself doesn't bother me and doesn't even evidence he's gay. i just worry with the craigslist stuff as it's all about making connections and his job has him on the road a lot with plenty of opportunity. i would like to think he's not stupid enough to mess up his life with my mom but sometimes people do stupid things. i don't want to tell her. i really like him and think they work out well together at least in the ways i know about. i just don't want to be irresponsible if he's endangering her. ugggggg!
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Avatar universal
If it was my mother , I would say something because I would want my mother tohave a choice on weather to live with a risky man? It does not sound right, and she deserves to know. Now if you could just bring up the facts , and no accusal that he is doing this, just show him what you found, that could be a way of going about it. and then getting to the bottom of this , she then can make a choice , defiantley tell her . This is an honesty issue that every marrriage should take seriously this is just not about him  being gay.
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134578 tn?1642048000
I forgot to ask, does anyone else have access to that computer?
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1310633 tn?1430224091
I'll throw something else out there, since the vote on whether to tell your Mom or not seems to be in the 50/50 range...

I have a good friend from college (Jamie) and she was doing exactly as you were doing (cleaning out her parents computer as it was DOG slow and needed routine maintenance). Well, she stumbled upon internet browsing history, and decided to take a peek. She wound her way through various and assoted sites, and came across her Dad's Yahoo email account ('save password' was turned on, so she had access).

She, innocently enough, looked at an email or 2 and found out that her Dad had been secretly communicating with an old high-school flame. Keep in mind, my friend Jamie is my age (38) and he parents are in the mid-60's, so this is a long-ago flame and he's been married to Jamie's mother for 40 years (since high school). Jamie tells her Brother, her Brother and her confront their Father, her Father asks them NOT to tell their Mother and that he will do it 'when it's right', he finally tells her a year later (after making his kids lie to their Mother and suffer through it), and they wind up divorced after 40+ years of marriage, and he runs off to Illinois to be with his long-lost-high-school-flame.

Not exactly the same situation, but you catch my drift. To tell or not to tell... that's the question. Unfortunately, you're in a lose-lose situation. You tell her, it could go either way. You don't tell her, you carry the baggage around with you and you can't ever look at him the same way again.

Quite the conundrum you've got here...
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree. Someone's porn tastes does not absolutely indicate their sexual preference.   I also think we are talking about adults here.  I'd hate to think the adult child of my partner was coming in and snooping on me.  Might cause a bit of bad blood.

But if you accidentally let mom know as the evil teko has suggested (just kidding . . . ya know you not evil just funny!)--------  then okay.  Just try to keep your involvement as minimal as possible.  

goodluck
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1310633 tn?1430224091
I'm just throwing this out there...

Just because he's looking at gay-porn, doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. I know that sounds a bit odd (even more so coming from me, as I'm straighter than a freaking arrow), but I've known completely straight men that get off to gay-porn, and the 'thought' of being with a man.

They'd never in a million years make physical contact with another male, but the 'thought' turns them on. I think it's a curiosity thing, but what do I know (I don't know the psychological in's&out's and won't pretend to). I'm not that way inclined, but different strokes for different folks (no pun intended).

Like I said, just tossing it out there that he might not be gay, just because he's looking at gay-porn.

My 2 cents...
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134578 tn?1642048000
I'd stay open to the possibility that she knows.  If you are absolutely certain she is clueless and also know for sure that she is having unprotected sex with her husband, there is an argument for you pointing out the gay porn (you could do it by accident, as teko says, or you could just say, "Hey, Mom, how come there is so much gay porn on your computer?").  But it seems unlikely she is clueless if he is being that casual about the exposure.  They might have a happy marriage that is not based on sex but instead on companionship and shared interests.  Or maybe something more kinky is going on.  But do be careful -- a lot of times when people say something for someone's "own good," it has its roots in a more judgmental agenda.  You don't want your mom to think you're being judgmental of something she chose of her own free will, if that is the situation.
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Avatar universal
I agree. Parents are people too and maybe this is something that turns them both on? Or not? We never know what goes on behind closed doors. Altho I am devious in some respects and would just happen to be going thru the history when mom was around and see what her reaction is, because it is mom for crying out loud , right?She will either be embarrassed or shocked, but she will have been clued in as to what is on the computer,  she can take it from that point and you stay out of it. LOL  Me evil...
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm.  I'd opt to stay out of it.  Heck, maybe it is hers.  But either way, I think that rocking the boat to the point it tips over may cause a family rift for you.  Your mother would have no idea?  If he is indeed gay, she'd probably be aware of something and is choosing to live this way.  good luck
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