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Should i break up or continue
Greetings everyone. I just joined this forum today and infact this is my first letter to any site in Internet on my personal life.
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......
Best Answer
Presently, my wife's main complaint is that i have lied to her and for that she can never trust me...this feeling of hers i understand, but she complains that i have not come clean and asks such questions that i have no answers..
1. What did the other woman have that I (my wife) don't have?
2. How could i continue for such a long time and never told her?
3. How did i feel with her? I must have been in love with other woman etc...which i always deny.
4. What we were talking or doing minute by minute when i was with the other woman?
5. How did i have a physical relationship with the other woman and how was it different or special than the one with my wife?
6. How could i get aroused by the other woman and not by my wife during my period of infidelity? (I never actually had intercourse with my wife during the period of infidelity but used to do everything else except the final part. My standard excuse was my back pain and actually i could never get aroused with my wife during that period. May be out of shame as i was always feeling guilty at that time but lacked moral courage to tell my wife about my relation).
My wife now constantly threatens to leave me and i just keep mumbling how sorry...
Physical abuse have now stopped but replaced with more frequent complaints all the time.
1. What did the other woman have that I (my wife) don't have?
2. How could i continue for such a long time and never told her?
3. How did i feel with her? I must have been in love with other woman etc...which i always deny.
4. What we were talking or doing minute by minute when i was with the other woman?
5. How did i have a physical relationship with the other woman and how was it different or special than the one with my wife?
6. How could i get aroused by the other woman and not by my wife during my period of infidelity? (I never actually had intercourse with my wife during the period of infidelity but used to do everything else except the final part. My standard excuse was my back pain and actually i could never get aroused with my wife during that period. May be out of shame as i was always feeling guilty at that time but lacked moral courage to tell my wife about my relation).
My wife now constantly threatens to leave me and i just keep mumbling how sorry...
Physical abuse have now stopped but replaced with more frequent complaints all the time.
As for assuring her of my intent to make this marriage work, i do everything known to me for saying and doing things to make her believe that i want to make this marriage work....
I tell her i love her...take her out...go for family outings...and love her in all possible ways....regularly
However, it doesn't seems to be working.
She often keeps repeating that she is in this marriage because of our daughter and that she is now old and cannot restart her life. (She is 38).
She often repeats that she wants to leave me and wants to go back.
She seems to be fine on her own but the moment she sees me she gets the feeling back again.
She will bring up issues out of nowhere and again mostly untrue. She will imagine situations and starts believing them to be true and would seek explanation. When i tell her that these are not true she just wont believe my part and will say that she doesn't trust me.
I don't know how to bring proofs for things that didn't happen on ground. Just a few moments back she called me in my office and started accusing me of knowing the other women way long back then the actual time i knew her. She now accuses my mother and my sister of knowing her much in past. These accusations are untrue but she wont believe me. She wants proof but how can i get these proofs i don't know.
Last Sunday we went out on family outing to a nice place. Another couple joined us but since we were in different vehicles it didn't matter much. While going only started again on the issue. I requested her to try take it out of her for the time being and enjoy the outing but she would start blaming me that i don't want to discuss the issue because i'm trying to protect the other woman. On our way back again she would start the topic, but while on the outing she seemed to enjoy it fully with the other couple.
Her main complaint is that i have made her loose her self respect and that i have destroyed her because she cannot support herself at this age. Secondly, she believes that i'm in it because i'm scared of the legal and social consequences if she complains to authorities. Almost everyday she now demands her ticket to her parents house and says that she cannot live with me...
I can take all that she throws at me and wont say a thing but i really don't know how it is effecting our daughter. I request her not to get upset in front of our daughter but this she would say ' i should have thought about it before and that she should know what kind of man i am'. Our daughter is just 2 yrs 10 months old.
As for my Mother and Sister, she never liked them right from the beginning and and mostly it was a mutual feeling. Their relationship have been extremely strained always so its not new. My folks were extremely critical of what i had done and never in agreement on this. I got them involved so as to pacify the other woman who was threatening me with suicide and telling my wife. I had tried to end this relationship many a times right after i realised what i have got into and was looking for a peaceful and quiet exit. I requested the other woman so many times and was buying time thinking she would get disgusted with me. My mom and sis has nothing to do with the other woman and they are equally sorry about the whole issue.
I tell her i love her...take her out...go for family outings...and love her in all possible ways....regularly
However, it doesn't seems to be working.
She often keeps repeating that she is in this marriage because of our daughter and that she is now old and cannot restart her life. (She is 38).
She often repeats that she wants to leave me and wants to go back.
She seems to be fine on her own but the moment she sees me she gets the feeling back again.
She will bring up issues out of nowhere and again mostly untrue. She will imagine situations and starts believing them to be true and would seek explanation. When i tell her that these are not true she just wont believe my part and will say that she doesn't trust me.
I don't know how to bring proofs for things that didn't happen on ground. Just a few moments back she called me in my office and started accusing me of knowing the other women way long back then the actual time i knew her. She now accuses my mother and my sister of knowing her much in past. These accusations are untrue but she wont believe me. She wants proof but how can i get these proofs i don't know.
Last Sunday we went out on family outing to a nice place. Another couple joined us but since we were in different vehicles it didn't matter much. While going only started again on the issue. I requested her to try take it out of her for the time being and enjoy the outing but she would start blaming me that i don't want to discuss the issue because i'm trying to protect the other woman. On our way back again she would start the topic, but while on the outing she seemed to enjoy it fully with the other couple.
Her main complaint is that i have made her loose her self respect and that i have destroyed her because she cannot support herself at this age. Secondly, she believes that i'm in it because i'm scared of the legal and social consequences if she complains to authorities. Almost everyday she now demands her ticket to her parents house and says that she cannot live with me...
I can take all that she throws at me and wont say a thing but i really don't know how it is effecting our daughter. I request her not to get upset in front of our daughter but this she would say ' i should have thought about it before and that she should know what kind of man i am'. Our daughter is just 2 yrs 10 months old.
As for my Mother and Sister, she never liked them right from the beginning and and mostly it was a mutual feeling. Their relationship have been extremely strained always so its not new. My folks were extremely critical of what i had done and never in agreement on this. I got them involved so as to pacify the other woman who was threatening me with suicide and telling my wife. I had tried to end this relationship many a times right after i realised what i have got into and was looking for a peaceful and quiet exit. I requested the other woman so many times and was buying time thinking she would get disgusted with me. My mom and sis has nothing to do with the other woman and they are equally sorry about the whole issue.
Read all the interactions above... a few pointers;
- Get to a good therapist immediately ( both together)
- Your wife needs some medical help for hormonal imbalance( which may be due to stress u caused or thyroid)
- Your wife is overtly physical and is more concerned about the physical relationship that u shared with the other woman... she feels more violated there.. hence u like it or not, you will have to remain physical with her more often than not to keep the marriage
- settle her into some career.. some involvement which can give her self respect back... you have taken it away from her....
- Tell your wife that you will NOT sever your connection with your mom.. and tell her that both have seperate space in your life.. unfortunately, you have not been able to distinguish so far...
- Any infidelity hurts to death... even if you are not sharing a good relationship with your spouse... healing will take longer than you think...
- once you have violated the rules, you've got to pay for it... what were u thinking when you involved your mom and sis in this? were they supportive towards the other woman? musta been... I do not blame your wife for hating them now....
- For god's sake do not fight in front of your daughter...
- Get to a good therapist immediately ( both together)
- Your wife needs some medical help for hormonal imbalance( which may be due to stress u caused or thyroid)
- Your wife is overtly physical and is more concerned about the physical relationship that u shared with the other woman... she feels more violated there.. hence u like it or not, you will have to remain physical with her more often than not to keep the marriage
- settle her into some career.. some involvement which can give her self respect back... you have taken it away from her....
- Tell your wife that you will NOT sever your connection with your mom.. and tell her that both have seperate space in your life.. unfortunately, you have not been able to distinguish so far...
- Any infidelity hurts to death... even if you are not sharing a good relationship with your spouse... healing will take longer than you think...
- once you have violated the rules, you've got to pay for it... what were u thinking when you involved your mom and sis in this? were they supportive towards the other woman? musta been... I do not blame your wife for hating them now....
- For god's sake do not fight in front of your daughter...
I agree, she needs to start doing things that are going to heal the relationship. Yes you messed up but she needs to deal with her anger. I think specialmom is right, she sounds a little unstable. She treats your mom like she is the other woman and it seems she needs to be #1 in your life and any other woman taking that role is a threat. Does she act this way when it comes to your daughter to? Does she want you to be close to your daughter? I think it's time that you put your foot down. Tell her you've done everything humanly possible to make things right, that you even are willing to do counseling. You don't expect her to have a relationship with your mother or sister but that you would like to have one separate of her. Tell her that you have endured enough verbal and physical abuse and that if she wants to stay with you in this marriage than she has to learn to put the past aside and work on the future of this marriage. Not to forget it but try her hardest to forgive. You can have patience but don't need to be beaten every day for it. If she can't do it, then you need to consider leaving.
Your Mother may need to stay away from your wife, but it is unfair of your wife to expect you to break contact with your mother for her. You only have one mom, and you should never ever break contact or sneak around about your relationship with your mother. Never! Those two relationships are separate.You should talk to and visit your mother and if she and your wife do not get along, that is between them. Otherwise you will build great resentment at yourself and your wife. It needs to stop. Your wife is just going to have to decide what she can and cannot live with and decide accordingly. I think it is time to set some boundaries and if she cannot deal with it, it is her call. Two wrongs don't make a right.
I got out of the house today early morning for office and had no where to go. Just drove around till office time...
My wife slept early last night and i, with my daughter, ensured that she is not disturbed.
My wife woke up early and started her blame game again, she started shouting and repeating the same things that i'm hearing for last 5 months. She wants answers to the questions that i have replied by now over a thousand times. It then crosses over to blaming my folks and and the threat of leaving me.
I try to explain that i know i have wronged you and deeply ashamed and sorry about it but that is past now. I cannot change the past but can only promise about the future.
Recently I made two investments in my daughters and my wife's name. I had invested in a house which i will give it to my wife either she stays with me or not. But even then she blames that its too late....
She says that she will not be able to start her life and cannot find work this late in life and i'm to blame for it. (She is a graduate in Fashion Designing from a reputed institution and used run her own Boutique, she stopped her business after our marriage. It was her choice to do so. I tried to persuade her to take up a job but she never did, i tried to persuade her to start a hobby, in fact she a good artist and can sketch very well. She buys many sets of paints and brushes and all the paraphernalia but never got down to using them.)
I assure her of financial support all throughout her life but that also is not working. I try to tell her its her she who is ruining the prospects of our happiness but to this her standard reply is that i should have thought about it before. In fact this is the reply i get for anything i say to her.
Back home my mother stays all alone and she is also facing problems at the house and i cannot do anything about it. I dont discuss anything about my folks with my wife and used to delete the call details, but to this also she gets upset. She saw my calls today morning (she always checks my phone and laptop whenever i'm with her) and asked about my calls to my mother. When i told her about the problem at home she again used it as a weapon against me.....
My wife, my mother and my job.....My greatest challenge in life is to preserve sanity and stay alive....and its only for my daughter
My wife slept early last night and i, with my daughter, ensured that she is not disturbed.
My wife woke up early and started her blame game again, she started shouting and repeating the same things that i'm hearing for last 5 months. She wants answers to the questions that i have replied by now over a thousand times. It then crosses over to blaming my folks and and the threat of leaving me.
I try to explain that i know i have wronged you and deeply ashamed and sorry about it but that is past now. I cannot change the past but can only promise about the future.
Recently I made two investments in my daughters and my wife's name. I had invested in a house which i will give it to my wife either she stays with me or not. But even then she blames that its too late....
She says that she will not be able to start her life and cannot find work this late in life and i'm to blame for it. (She is a graduate in Fashion Designing from a reputed institution and used run her own Boutique, she stopped her business after our marriage. It was her choice to do so. I tried to persuade her to take up a job but she never did, i tried to persuade her to start a hobby, in fact she a good artist and can sketch very well. She buys many sets of paints and brushes and all the paraphernalia but never got down to using them.)
I assure her of financial support all throughout her life but that also is not working. I try to tell her its her she who is ruining the prospects of our happiness but to this her standard reply is that i should have thought about it before. In fact this is the reply i get for anything i say to her.
Back home my mother stays all alone and she is also facing problems at the house and i cannot do anything about it. I dont discuss anything about my folks with my wife and used to delete the call details, but to this also she gets upset. She saw my calls today morning (she always checks my phone and laptop whenever i'm with her) and asked about my calls to my mother. When i told her about the problem at home she again used it as a weapon against me.....
My wife, my mother and my job.....My greatest challenge in life is to preserve sanity and stay alive....and its only for my daughter
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With regards to the mother issue. Hopefully you will never have to choose . . . but if you do, choose your wife because your mother will then bend. Mother's tend to bend more if they think they have to. But the best thing is to keep the peace and tell them both that you expect this. You should be able to love both women and I'm sure it is much more complex than what we will understand here.
For building romance, are you still apart with your station? I'd write her lovely letters and try to stay as connected as possible. When you are together, spend time together without your daughter as often as possible. Remember when you were dating, think in terms of that. That romancing her needs to start all over again. Romance does not always mean sex . . . some women love good conversation, doing something they love to do with their mate, getting a neck rub. Start doing those things as if you are just now getting together. Start greeting her every time she or you walk in the door and say good bye with a hug and kiss every time she or you walk out of the door. Bring her flowers. All that stuff. But most of all, start doing things together that you both enjoy and try to reconnect.
Good luck