Someone PLEASE help!

Question

I dont even know where to begin. I was a victim of sexual abuse at a young age which lasted into my teen years. I am on my 3rd marriage (last 2 ended due to infedility) and have always had trust issues and horrible insecurities that I have never been able to overcome. I have always felt insecure, ugly, overweight not good enough etc. Within the last 3 months I finally saught out therapy just to find out a week ago that my husband was having an affair with a woman at work. He also admits to looking up porn on the internet. I feel like he has just ripped off the scab to my wounds and poured salt into them. He says that he is sorry and that he promises it is over and will never happen again. Promise? How do I believe he is sorry when that word so freely just flowed from his mouth? I am 38 and a mother to 6 (2 biological 2 adopted and 2 step children) and a grandmother...I feel like I have wasted so much time trying to find happiness,safety and true love and instead just find disappointment and hurt. I have so much resentment towards my abusers and the men in my life who have destroyed my spirit and who I am. I love my husband and want badly to believe that he has stopped seeing her and visiting porn sites, however, this has been a constant in my life. How do I really believe that this time its "for real"? How do I trust and love whole heartly again? I feel like everytime I pick myself up I am forced to the ground again. I am so depressed, I have lost 30 lbs in a month...I cant eat or sleep and my mind never stops wondering. I am on meds for depression, anxiety and PTSD but nothing seems to help these thoughts and this hurt. I often feel like I have nothing to go on for...plenty of days I pray for morning never to come. I realize that my constant nagging about other women and cheating etc...pushed him away, but I feel as though that is no reason to go outside of your marriage. I had been better off had he left me rather than cheat on me. I feel as though it wouldn't have hurt so bad. I know that I have hurt him with my lack of trust and insecurities...but to deserve this? I pray for the answers and strength to get me through each day...because right now I am so physically sick over this. I have no strength, I am dehydrated and I cant eat. I dont remember the last time I ate. I am truly at my lowest of lows and I have no one to turn to. I have no family and I dont have many friends, I have never allowed anyone that close. Someone, PLEASE help me! Thank you and God Bless!

specialmom · Answer

Hi there.  Oh goodness, I am sure so very sorry.  You've had so many things in your life time that are beyond hard.  

Ugh.  Your husband.  Grrr.  Well, it IS very hard to accept sorry for actions that are inexcusable.  Sorry needs to be backed up by HIS actions.  What is he doing to prove to you that he is 'changed'?  Full access to his computer, phone, etc.  Checking in with you frequently?  Being an open book?  Allowing you to yell, cry, pound your fists into the pillow any time you are taken with the emotions that this is certainly causing?  Hopefully you two can see a marriage therapist togehter.  I'm very pleased that you see one alone and hope that you continue to do that.

Was the marriage rocky before this information surfaced?  And how did it surface?  Did you stumble on the info or did he confess?  

You have been suffering depression and anxiety--  of course, this is a crisis point for you having just learned that your husband is cheating---  so feeling extremely down is normal.  Antidepressants and depression therapy is good and does work but it doesn't mean that when something awful happens that we aren't going to still feel the depth of that pain.  The treatment evens out our brain chemistry to normalize us but we will still have a really hard time with something like the knowledge of a new affair.

so, please don't think that your therapy/medication isn't working.  Talk abotu this with your doctor.  Hon, if it ever gets so bad you feel like any type of self harm, please please contact your doctor and tell them this.  

We are always here for you to vent or to offer any help that we can.  Do you have support in your life as well---  family or friends to lean on?  This is a good time to reach out to those who love you.  Peace

Nighthawk61 · Answer

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such pain right now. Please keep yourself hydrated, i was brought into the ER for dehydration a few weeks ago with delirium, not knowing my own birthday. Please make sure you drink water!! You don't need to be scraped off the floor!! 

You've mentioned that you sought therapy three months ago. How is that going? 

You have 7 reasons to get through this, more if you include the grand-babies, so DON"T GIVE UP!!

Maybe you should consider couples therapy for your trust issues with your husband? Maybe that would help prove to you, one way or the other, that he is serious about coming clean and you may find some peace concerning your relationship? 

I'm praying for you to find your way with therapy and please know that we care here on Medhelp for you.  We're here to help you, when you need to talk.

Hugs, Liz