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14757565 tn?1438301624

Speaking Up

How do you speak up to others when you feel you've been wronged, not thought of, or otherwise hurt intentionally/unintentionally?  Especially if its subtle?

I've always ingested the pain perhaps in effort to avoid more pain, but its not always working out for me there.  When my feelings get hurt, I usually retreat until I can rationalize it and if I can do that without the other person's input, I may never bring it up first.  What advice can you give me to do better at this?  I really dislike conflict, especially when it is something subjective as my feelings.  I also don't want to be viewed as someone who is "always mad about something" or "never happy".  I am neither of those things.  I am better at doing so when I feel a tighter connection to a person, but maybe it is easy for me to feel disconnected at times and feel the need to protect myself by hiding my true thoughts.
7 Responses
1029273 tn?1472231494
Actually that's a good thing; stepping back and giving the situation some thought before saying anything allows you to process your thoughts and consider what the best course of action is to take. It's better to be calm, cool, and collected than to be a total hothead and overly confrontational (for obvious reasons)... The basic idea is to defend yourself when you feel as though you have been treated unfairly; that doesn't necessarily mean you are out to get somebody or insult them, it just means you are standing up for your own principles ~ which is perfectly normal and acceptable...

Here's a few suggestions on how you can go about preparing yourself for confronting someone, if you decide that this is the best action to take.  First, you'll want to write down your thoughts and feelings, and how you would like to convey them. This can really help you mentally prepare for the conversation... Second, find a good friend who is not directly involved with the situation, and discuss what happened, to hear what their view is on the whole scene. Sometimes someone with an outside perspective can help you better judge a situation.  Bounce your ideas off of them ~ your friend could also help advise you on whether you are being overly emotional, too sensitive, or completely justified in your feelings... Lastly, know what your principles are, and stand up for them always... :)
1029273 tn?1472231494
That depends on the situation. Can you give an example(s) ?
14757565 tn?1438301624
I felt I was intentionally avoided.  I know the person in question knew I was leaving at the same time, and prior to departure expressed a desire to have personal contact.  He later admitted knowing I was leaving at the same, but said he wasn't sure how long I'd take, although the person knows me well enough to know it wouldn't have been terribly long or could have text me.  My impression is that he wanted to avoid a long conversation, etc., but did not want to appear selfish(?), but rather make it look like an accident.  I know my feelings are usually important to him, but sometimes is very thoughtless and my feelings get hurt.  It doesn't happen a lot, and I've been learning how to better approach the topic, but I always do so as an  afterthought and would like to be able to better speak up and not feel like I'm imposing myself, or my feelings on another person when I don't feel like they care how I feel.
14757565 tn?1438301624
I know he wants me to feel like it was an accident, but in my head, I know better than that.  I don't know why and I won't know why he avoided me or would say he wanted to see me and then didn't take the measure to make sure that happened.
I did lightly joke about it to gauge his response and he dodged responsibility and seemed to want me to think it was an accident, but if he wanted to see me after all, he easily could have.
I'm not a person who will linger unwelcomed, he also knows that.  I'm also respectful of people's wants, and if he needed a brief encounter, I would not have been upset about that, but running off and "playing dumb" makes me think he is trying to fool me.
It is a difficult situation, this is what prompted the post, but I am speaking in general as to how to speak up for myself, I can do so rationally but I am painfully shy and cautious.
14757565 tn?1438301624
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/you-are-enough-speaking-up-without-blowing-up/

nevermind, google!

how do you erase posts??
1029273 tn?1472231494
Okay, so you feel that he was avoiding you, and he's thoughtless when it comes to your feelings. There could be a variety of ways to interpret this; he's either dodging confrontation due to of an issue between the two of you; he's forgetful because he's extremely busy; he could be purposely avoiding you, and so on...First of all, no matter who you are dealing with (friend, family, or stranger) when you want to stand up for yourself, or confront someone, you have to always approach any situation with self confidence and tact. By having confidence in yourself, this shows people that you are not the type of person that is a push-over and that you cannot be manipulated. By using tact, or approaching a situation in a tactful manner, you will be able to speak up about how you feel without being offensive or rude to the other person... Another idea to keep in the back of your mind is this saying: "pick and choose your battles wisely", it can mean many things to different people but simply put, not every conflict should be turned into a major battle. Is it worth getting into a war of words, if it could possibly destroy your relationship?? Or, when it comes to dealing with a total stranger, is my life in danger if I choose to confront this person?? In some instances it is best to walk away...
So remember have self confidence in all aspects of your life; people with self confidence are far less likely to be taken advantage of, treated unfairly, and disrespected. Have tact, be able to maintain a sense of respect for the other person when you are addressing a problematic issue. That may ensure that they will respect what you have to say...
One more thing, sometimes we tend to take things too personally, and that is when we should step back from the situation for a bit and see if time allows the problem to mellow...
Anyway, it's interesting to me that you brought this up, because my son is dealing with a similar issue in therapy right now...
14757565 tn?1438301624
One more thing, sometimes we tend to take things too personally, and that is when we should step back from the situation for a bit and see if time allows the problem to mellow...


This is usually how I handle things... I have to step back and see if I am taking too personally or not.  I always question myself that way and wonder.  I don't know why I can't make that immediate decision to say without insulting.  Maybe I worry too much about insulting that I keep it in until I am absolutely sure I'm not out of line with my feelings.  I am much better at sticking up for others.

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