He's 14? He knows what he did, and that there will be consequences. Don't let his mother call and rile you up or make you feel guilty. You're giving the boy a chance to earn your trust back, that will build him up more than you giving in when he breaks the rules that sound pretty clear in the first place. Don't give the mom a lot of power in this argument or he will pretty fast learn to play her against you.
That said, this is your husband's conversation to have, with both the boy and with the ex. It sounds like the two of you are on the same page, let him go say what is what. His ex is going to hear it better from him and believe it is final more as well, as is his son.
Okay, so first, I was a step parent for awhile, and it's HARD.
You need to remove yourself from dealing with the mother. That is not your job. That is your husband's job. The best thing you can do, though, is make friends with her. Don't discuss the kids, or your husband, but become friends with her. You have her kids, at least part time, and of course, she is threatened by your presence. Show her she doesn't need to be.
Your husband is the disciplinarian. These are his kids. Yes, you've helped raise them, and love them, and have probably taken care of them when they were sick, and you are an adult in the home that they need to respect, but the discipline needs to come from your husband. It's awesome that you agree with the approach he takes, but he should be the one talking to his son, and his ex wife, and probably the aunt.
You are playing the long game here, so to speak. Most of what you do is showing by example, and hoping they get it. If their mom has them most of the time, you can just do what you can do.
What your son did isn't that unusual. My nephew just spent over $200 on iTunes for crap for his video games because his mother let him have the password. He's 14. He doesn't have the ability to see around corners yet to see the full consequences of his behavior. This is a $50 mistake that he can learn from. I don't think it's catastrophic, and I think putting it on child mode is perfectly acceptable.
Your "little girl" is an adult now, legally. I don't know if she's still in high school, but she's at an age where she is feeling very grown up, like she knows everything about everything while knowing nothing about anything yet. I was an absolute terror at 18. She'll grow out of it, though it may take a few years.
You've been together with your man for 15 years, and his son with his ex is 14. Does that mean he cheated on her with you? At the very least, she was barely pregnant when he left her and met you. It's no wonder she resents you, even if you had nothing to do with it.
It's also a shame that something she said played even a small role in you not having kids.
From this and your other posts, you seem very eager to please and that's great, but do you ever put yourself first? I can only go on a few posts of the few things you share on here, but make sure you make a stand for yourself, too. Others are important, but you matter, too.
Little late to the discussion but thought I'd chime in. Whoa, mom of a 14 year old boy and a 16 year old boy. It's a wild ride. and what happened between 14 and 16 still baffles me! Prepare. lol My sons are sweet, mama's boys in a way. Well, my 16 year old was. But now? He is dramatically asserting his independence. He comes back to me and is my babe again but spends an awful lot of time being separate and frankly, difficult. Sigh. I mean, I can't tell you how often I practice deep breathing exercises to keep myself under control on the daily. I say to prepare because this is a very normal thing. Boys will start to want to be independent and the way they do it often is uncomfortable for parents. Normal. Expected. Maybe good for us all (I will be much less sad when my son leaves for college with the way he has acted the past couple of months, ha ha). The way I look at it and I have an older sister that has raised two sons that are now college age and out of college, successfully is that I'm guiding. They are changing rapidly and some of the changes are hard. But I am there to guide through it. Not control it. Not control who they are or who they become. But to be there to keep them somewhat on track. (as in not committing crimes, flunking out of school, and moving toward future complete independence of me).
So, I am saying this because your son is going to begin to go through things that will really confound and frustrate you. And even hurt your feelings deeply. I try very hard to not take it personally. But I'm human. But we have to try as we parent. He will play his mom against you. Expect it. She has her own hang ups with all that has transpired and how she sees things from her point of view and frankly, will be dealing with her own difficulties with him so being the 'good guy' when mad at you may give her a boost emotionally, sad to say. Don't get too emotionally wrapped up in it.
He screwed up giving a password. That happens. He got carried away with x box. Oh my gosh, it happens. And being grounded is part of growing up. I ground my kids. The important thing is to have an end point. Not an indefinite, you will be on a kid's account . . .without saying for 2 weeks, 3 weeks or the month. State how long. Then a new password issued and a second chance. Let him have the chance to learn the lesson. :>) And then move on to show you he has. We have a rule in place regarding A. grades. My kids have to have their grades above a certain point to play at all. That's a win win because the bar is high. Heck, they deserve gaming time if they have an A in every class (A- doesn't work, has to be an A, so 94% or better). My sons take hard classes and something can happen as I track grades. They may sporadically drop. But they know the deal. It has to be at 94% or better in progress book or no game time. I'm firm on it. And the second rule is that if the fight over it? Gone. Everyone loses privileges. So, they work it out quietly now. ha ha. Anyway, my sons have friends who get grounded all the time and mine do as well.
Here is something a friend of my son's mom did that I love. Her son will not monitor his phone which is their hot button. They expect him to be responsible with it and answer texts or calls from them. (they are at work, he is at home. Answer your phone if they call is the expectation). A few other things that they listed. So, they (his parents) took the game controllers without saying anything (after his getting in trouble for the same things before this). When he realized they were gone (the controllers), he asked where they were. His parents said he can have them back after he figures out what the problem is that got them taken and writes out his solution to overcoming said problem. lol They got a whole list of issues their son thought he might have with them and solutions! He got the controller back after 2 weeks.
I will say that I do not think it is fair for your husband to put you in the middle of dealing with his wife because he can't handle her and the he won't keep a phone excuse. That's not fair to you, sweetie, or appropriate to do to his ex either. I would have none of that if I were her either. My expectation would be he learn to deal with her calmly rather than expecting you to take the heat. :>)
UPDATE EVERYONE: Got to see my son the first time since this all happened. I gave him back the VUDU information and told him to please keep his word and not give out the password. He is treating me a certain way because of his mom, but nothing that wont fade away again. It was almost like he was forcing himself to act that way toward me at times. Kind of funny, but kind of hurt too.
As for their mom, she hadnt tried to get in touch with us at all, until this week. The only reason she did this week was she needed money. My husband is still very upset with how she acted and decided not to respond to her. The money was for his daughters graduation stuff. He did communicate with his daughter, and gave her some to help out with the stuff.
Then this weekend was suppose to be our weekend with the kids but no one not even the kids let us know anything. Then when we asked they said they couldnt come because mom was taking them to a play (she always makes plans on our weekends without letting him know). Anyhow we said ok, but Saturday morning got hit with four text from his little girl stating that we were suppose to get them. After a bit of debating we decided to go get them. On the way This women texted Was it Yall weekend? Nobody never know anything anymore bc of lack of communication. I was proud of my husband because all he did was respond on the way to get them. He didnt play into another fight with her over the fact that it is not just our job to communicate. Although still a bit upset because he only didnt play into it because he doesnt want to communicate with her anymore.
Anyways, I guess as the kids get older they will make their own decisions. It sucks though because they are with their mom more often and they are learning alot from her. I just can hope they realize how unhappy she is and that her attitude has alot to do with it.