Straight, with homosexual desires?

[HaloForrest136]

Dear forum,
I do hope I am posting in the right forum, because this has to do with a relationship.
Ever since I hit puberty, I always have liked girls, and even had crush on some, though I never had a girlfriend before. I'm quite a nerd, so yeah.
When I was 15, I have a weird fetish towards fat people, women and men. So occasionally I would switch between straight and gay porn when I masturbate.
At 17, I found a gay dating site, and then I made the dumbest decision in my life. I met up with a guy for the first time, and we had sex. It was fun (I mean, it's sex.) so we met up a few more times, and I get to know other guys too. So practically I had multiple sex partners.
When I was 18 years old, I had a meltdown, learning about HIV and STDs I could have gotten from those activities. I was depressed, sad, and disappointed of myself, and took an oath to never engaged in these activities again. I tested, and was negative for HIV (thank god).
Weird thing is, during this whole period, I had a crush on a girl too. I hang out with her, cheer her up daily, and always want to be with her. She is beautiful, and if I could, I will give her anything to make her happy.
However, even taking my oath and swore, my homosexual desires put me off rail, making me met guys outside again. This happened 3 times in a year. However, with the knowledge I gain from here in medhelp, all the sessions I did was safe sex. Needless to say, after every session, I will be filled with regrets and frustration. It was all in the moment, and when it was over and my senses came through, I hate myself.
Now 19, I want to be together with my crush. I want to be with her and face the world together. I want to raise a family with her. But looking back at my weird desires, I just don't know whether being with her is a right decision. I'm haunted by the past, fearing that I may have an STD which I didn't knew at the time. And if I were to be with her, should I tell her my past?

[specialmom]

you aren't a bad man---  there just may be a problem going on.  Your culture is different than mine so I will try to keep that in mind---  but there has to be sexual addiction in your country as well.  Do you have anyone safe to talk to about this (and you can leave out the homosexual encounters if that is safer/better for you at this point----  and just be a bit vague saying casual, random hook ups without mentioning that it was with men but speak of the drive to do it that you find hard/impossible to control and the remorse and sick feeling you have afterwards along with your very high usage of porn)??  Your dad, an uncle, and older brother or if you feel there is a female in your family you could talk to, then go for it.  And ask them to help you think of ways to find help.  I'd send you to a therapist if you lived in my country where you'd not receive any judgement but help with addiction/emotional issues you may have.  But am understanding that this is more difficult in your country.  

You can look at this like it IS an addiction in the mean time.  Get a copy of the 12 step book and work the program like it is an addiction like al others.  You can google ways to overcome addictions for self help.  I realize that addictions are very very hard to deal with but awareness and desire to overcome is so critical in doing it.  You can begin to take small steps to change things.  

I would not date/pursue your crush or anyone else at this time.  I'd focus on this issue.  I'd start by limiting or stopping the porn. Look at each day as one small step.  If you mess up one day, begin again the next.  Transfer to another activity----  going for a run, lifting weights, reading, writing in a journal, calling a friend, etc. when you get the urge.  I'd also keep a log of when you have the urge what is going on at that time.  You may see a pattern---  you do it when bored, you do it when avoiding something else that you should be doing, you do it when upset, you do it when angry.  Etc.  Look for the pattern to help sort out driving forces that you can deal with.

This will certainly not take the place of working with a professional but you can start with small steps on your own while you figure out how to work with someone in  your area.  

best of luck.  (you are not a bad person-----  most of us have lots of things we are working on, we are ALL a work in progress.)

[HaloForrest136]

I see. But somehow I feel that it is definitely sexual addiction. Given I could not find women for hookups, and prostituition is illegal in the country, I resort myself to men instead. I feel repulsed greatly towards men especially after climaxing. To me, I bet the people I meetup with is nothing but one purpose, to release my sexual urges. I sound like a bad man now. D:

[specialmom]

To start with, you could look into the sexual addiction aspect of the issue to see if that is something that you can make some progress with.  That is a good place to start in order to begin making sense of where your sexuality lies.  Discuss the porn and casual sex without specifics if you must but I think it will help you to work on that end of the problem.  good luck

[Londres70]

I have read briefly somewhere that homosexuality/bisexuality is definitely not openly accepted in your country, but that's changing slowly.  You could even be persecuted for what you have already done.  I think it depends on where you live in Malaysia.....correct?

Perhaps you can look into organizations in Malaysia that support people in your situation that can help you further explore your situation and perhaps bring clarity to your situation.  Just start googling and see what comes up. Organizations in Malaysia that support homosexuals/bisexuals do exist in your country.  They could possibly give you names of professionals that are gay/bisexual friendly who could counsel you.  Have you ever tried this?  

I am not sure if you are a bisexual man or a man grappling with his homosexuality or a straight guy just experimenting with "this and that."  I do know this should be sorted with someone who has expertise with this.  

[HaloForrest136]

Thank you both a lot. You both have helped me greatly and I start to understand a little about myself. The problem now is my country isn't exactly gay friendly, and homosexual acts can be prosecuted in my country. It will be hard to find a therapists which are gay friendly.

[Londres70]

This should really be sorted out with an actual professional and not over the internet.  Trying to "self-diagnose" over the internet isn't ideal.  

SM has offered some great advice.  

All the best.  

[HaloForrest136]

I noticed that when I found out about the gay dating site, I always only visit it when I wanted to masturbate and was searching for porn. I will only find the people on the dating site when I was horny. And if I were to finish off before could find someone, I would turn it off, and ignore any oncoming messages. I guess this proves my addiction.

I just completed my A levels, and in between the transition from college to university. I want to pursue my studies in medicine too.

[specialmom]

No, you didn't at all.  I just didn't want to pry too much with my questions.  

Do you notice any pattern to when you want to masterbate or have the sexual encounters?  Might be helpful to track that.  Often addictive behaviors go hand in hand with anxiety/depression/stress/avoidance.  

Again, this is why I think working one on one with a professional would really benefit you.  You may be in college?  (based on your age) and schools sometimes have clinic settings for counseling OR if you are on your parents insurance, check the mental health benefits that therapy falls under.  

I think you are on the right track with self exploration to understand what drives you so that eventually you can find the right path.  good luck

[HaloForrest136]

Yeah. It could be the answer. I notice I masturbate a little too frequent daily too. And I'll feel uncomfortable not doing it.

Thanks for listen to my troubles, and helping me understand a little bit more of myself. I am sorry if I have made anything awkward for you.

[specialmom]

It would relate if you are using these casual sexual encounters that you really feel bad about afterwards, porn, etc. as your fix (as an addict does) but then the crushes are your real desire for intimacy.  

[HaloForrest136]

I'm not sure how that relates though..

[HaloForrest136]

Maybe. I did considered that before. And that ain't good. :O but I never had any sexual feelings towards friends, or even towards my crush before.

[specialmom]

No, it isn't off topic.  It's okay.  I just think that you can't really get answers for what makes you tick sexually.  Are you a sex addict andrew?

[HaloForrest136]

Haha. It's fine. I do have sexual feelings towards women too. Like as stated, I have a fetish towards chubby people, both women and men.

I just want to find out why I do it, why I always regret doing it even I want to do it, why I have to do it before realizing I will hate myself after doing it. Is this counts as being confused? Hahaha. I feel that this is becoming off topic from the relationship problem, and this seems like the wrong forum to post on.

[specialmom]

Ya know, I don't think anything you read can make you sexually attracted to the opposite sex.  I think that is just who you are.  Have you been sexual with a woman before?  Wow, can't believe I just asked that question. LOL  Sorry if that is too personal and you don't have to answer that here.  

Sometimes I will say that porn will spur on activity and that is something to be aware of.  If you decide to stay straight----  then I would not indulge in gay porn.  And in all honesty, I don't think anyone needs to ever share their sexual past with partners if they don't feel like it.  I don't want to know about my husband's one night stands (if he had them) before we got together.  Sure, maybe he'll tell me about a meaningful girlfriend or something . . .  but really, it isn't necessary to express every detail of our past when we get with a new partner.

The reason that I think you need to see a therapist is that if you are confused, you need to work on  your own clarity.  No one can do that for you on the internet.  Here you get advice on general things but to go deep and explore what drives you is something you need to do one on one with a professional.

There really does not have to be a reason why you have the desire to be sexual with men and then get crushes on women.  But you do need to decide what to do with that and what you want your life to look like.  

good luck

[HaloForrest136]

Thanks for all the feedback. I really appreciate it! :)
I understand that all these hookups are purely sexual. I wasn't sexually abuse in my past before, but thanks for the concern Londres.
I never been attracted to men before. Well, not loving-ly. I have never fell towards my male best friends or any male friends. Maybe I am only sexually, bi-curious.
I did came out with a theory that the lack of hetero-relationships in my teenage years could be a reason behind it. I often read japanese comic porn (or hentai) which involves gay love and leads to sex. Maybe I was thinking by meeting up these people can fulfill my lack of love.
I have shared these activities with my mother before, and she have been very supportive with me, although she strongly says that these activities are wrong (I'm from an asian family, so we are a little close-minded)
I really like this girl, and after my last gay encounter, i have lost many interest towards homosexuality already.

Maybe I am babbling too much. But I would like to hear more insight than going to a therapist (if possible not at all, because my family is a little close-minded)

[Londres70]

Definitely agree with SM.....don't get with this "crush" yet.  Plus, you have plenty of time later for marriage and children AFTER you sort yourself out first.  

I am sensing you have anxiety/depression issues and you are grappling with your sexual identity too.  The uncontrolled sexual activity is concerning as well.

May I ask is there a history of sexual abuse in your past?

I would tell this "crush" nothing about your past just yet and tell EVERYTHING about your past to a therapist.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I wouldn't get with your crush just yet.  I think you have some inner discovery to do.  I say this because when you describe your encounters with men, they aren't romantic but purely sexual.  You speak as if they were almost out of your control . . .   you just had to have the hook ups and sex.  What worries me is that you will get the same urge with this woman that you have a crush on should you date and have a real relationship.  I would ---  in all sincerity---  begin working with a therapist to uncover who you really want to be and who you CAN be based on your inner desires.  You hear of situations in which someone marries, has kids and years later tells his wife he really is gay and must go.  Or they lead a double life behind his wife's back.  You don't want to be that kind of man.  

I think you need to work on self discovery and leave the relationships/sex alone until you understand who you are better.  good luck