Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

That old problem called "sex" again...

So, to explain. I have been with my girlfriend about 5 months now. We met online after talking for ages. I am 30 and she is a few years older with 2 kids an 11 yr old and a 7 year old. We get on like a house on fire, our personalities are quite compatible and I get on well with her kids, her parents and sisters and even her animals.

She lives in a different city from me but not too far about 2 mins away. When we first started dating we would try and see each other as much as possible. I work weekends and she would make the effort to come and see me in my city on one of the evenings and I would go and see her twice a week in the afternoons in her city. I weould spend the weekend with her one every other week when her ex had the kids.

When we have sex it is fantastic. Passionate, loving and warm. I didn't have to pressure her into it the first time either. I was trying to be a gentleman about it and break my habit of sleeping with a girl the first time I went to their house but she ended up dragging me upstairs ;)

The problem I have now though is that the sex has waned somewhat. I accept that she has kids and that sometimes things will happen, like once when her kid was ill and another time when the ex couldn't have them for some reason or another, but the trend is growing into less and less contact. Even when we are together recently it's been with her kids or her parents there so I feel uncomfortable necking with her (obviously) or any of the stuff I would do if we were alone.
Her youngest also has attachment issues and doesn't like being too far from his mum when he is in the house and often sleeps with her in her bed at nights (even though he has his own very smart brand new bed) so if I spend the night when he is there I end up sleeping in his bed.

For reasons I won't go into i can no longer see her on one of the days in the week and I don't go over at all in school holidays. Also weekends have not been happening much lately as she has fallen out with her parents and doesn't have many friends so there is no one to sit for her.

I have told her about how I feel and voiced my concerns that we are slipping into some kind of "friend zone" by default but as she doesn't like "confrontations" it is difficult to have the conversation. I have suggested planning ahead to see if we can see each other more, having back up plans, but she tells me that she doesn't like having plans more than a couple days in advance as she doesn't like disappointing people.

I'm very frustrated sexually and not sure what to do. Any recommendations? Please feel free to ask me for more information. I possibly haven't given as clear a picture as I could have. Also sorry for the grammar it's 06:30 here and I've slept too well for worrying :(
13 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
3060903 tn?1398565123
you know that if you and her were to marry , that there would be time to make love when the kids were asleep ?

is this about sex or making love ?

is this about your not walking already because you care about this woman and her kids and family, and would consider them all an asset in your life?

or is this about sex ?

is this because you are not looking for a ready made family ?
or would you consider yourself equipped to become a partner to a woman that has kids already ?

it seems that this relationship for you is about you setting your own boundaries,

or going over them , to adjust to a complicated partner's life
and achieving new and different ideals and heights.

I'm here if you need to talk.



Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow, Your quick anger quite surprised me, and it seemed quite venomous as well...."feminazi" ??? !!  Londres "jumped down Your throat ???  !!

Bottom line is, You read responses and opinions and suggestions and then YOU decide/choose what to do anyway - so why would You react with such anger??? !!

I'm not seeking an answer to my question - rather,  I'm suggesting You think on how You responded/reacted to an impartial opinion.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ditto RR and SM.  I may be blunt, but I am only trying to help you see things in a broader sense.  This relationship isn't for you PERIOD.  

You know what I do think is ridiculous is asking someone to forego his/her priorities in order to fulfill your sexual gratification and IF any man would ask me to do this that would definitely be a red flag.

All the best.








Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'd also like to comment that this poor woman sure is pulled in a lot of directions.  Be a single mom providing an income to live on, be the great mom that is there for her kids, be a sexy girlfriend.  I really hope that HER needs get met somewhere along the way.  

I think this is hard on her.  Hard on you.  And you are both in different places in life.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The thing is, mothers have a lot more demands on their time by their kids than dads do. Kids always want their mom whenever something upsets them. Having 1 kid is hard enough but having 2 and being a single mom is truly one of those things that you can't really understand unless you're in that position. It's stressful and time consuming on her. It can lead to her not being available as easily, especially when her family won't help her out with babysitting for her. Obviously she can't leave the kids home alone, so she has to be there.

So, although you may feel like your needs aren't being met, try to understand that she has other obligations that will always take priority over you, and they should because boyfriends come and go but kids are forever. I'm not trying to be mean here, just stating fact. You could always avoid this type of scenario by only dating childless women. It's an option that many men prefer because they don't want to play second fiddle to kids.

Don't get mad at her, she's just trying to be a good mom. I give her a ton of credit for that.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
First, we can't call people names and such.  that is against med help's terms of service.  Any further comments will be reported to the moderators.  People ONLY have to go on what information is provided by the poster and everyone here is just trying to help a stranger.  So, please keep that in mind and remain polite.  

Now, to your problem.  Honestly, nothing changed the dynamics of my life more than having kids. Once you have kids, it means that they are your number one priority.  Even over yourself.  :)  I can't do what I want when I want to and that is just a fact.  My kids come first.  Her kids come first.  That's a hard thing when dating, I am sure.  And that is why it isn't always an ideal situation to date someone with kids.

Once my husband and I had kids, it was about eeking out a moment here and there with each other, finding a date night if we could manage, getting a sitter could be a chore, and we are tired.  A lot.  We go to their events, we help with homework.  We try to help them along with THEIR social life and plan things for them.  It's a 24/7 hour job.  And if they are sick?  that 24 hour part is no joke.  That's parenthood.  Hard to understand until you are in the situation.  My husband is on board because he is their father and loves them like I do.  So, it works.  

She gets a break from parenthood of sorts when it isn't her weekend with the kids or dad is helping.  But even then, she is a parent and if they call and need her, she'll go to them.  

Again, it is not always ideal to date someone with kids.  Some make this work because they embrace it and understand.  Others probably should date someone single without children.  It's just the dynamics of the situation.  

You don't sound ready to embrace her life.  Her life is that of family woman, working woman, trying to make it all go well while still having a social life with a man.  I hope she is able to manage it but don't really think in the long run this is going to work out for you two.  You have different mind sets and priorities.  HOW much older than you is she, by the way?  

And I support Londres in her efforts here to help strangers with the situations they pose on the forums.  She among others give lots of their time to give their point of view on what someone writes.  Know that it is with good intentions that those who post here write what they do.

I'm wondering if you have issues with anger to be honest by your reaction here.   good luck
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Hmm.  I don't think I've ever heard Londres referred to as a feminazi before,  or anywhere near it.  I think you might be the one jumping to conclusions here,  lightmare.

Here's the deal,  bluntly.  She's having problems with her extended family,  to the point that now they won't even babysit her kids,  she has two kids she's raising all by herself,  and she's got a guy she had once been quite interested in  complaining he's not getting enough sex.  And she's got her kids clinging to her and needing her during the hours she isn't working to give them a better life.

If you want to keep her and cultivate a long term relationship with her,  you need to,  as they say,  "meet her where she is".  Be there for her as she is.  

And yes,  the sex has greatly dwindled.  That's what sex does in longer relationships. It's no longer the priority,  and when everything else is overwhelming it is put on a back burner.  

That's the dynamic of long term romantic relationships.

I think you should move on now,  the sooner the better.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Have you read your OWN post?  The title says it all as well has the body of the post and the ending..............sex.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Are you coming here for someone to agree with you or are you looking for HONEST opinions about the situation?  My honest opinion is this woman is busy with more important issues in her life and you should be more understanding and if your sex drive is that high and your needs aren't being met then you should go elsewhere.  

I can only comment on what you have posted and YOU posted that you are concerned about the lack of sex and NOT the lack of time you are spending with her.

I don't know you and her............that's correct.  I am posting based on the info you have provided.  No one is prejuding you here.

Cut her some slack and be more supportive if you truly care about her.  She sounds stressed at this time.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
********! You have jumped to conclusions and decided that you know both her and me!
It's not just about sex. If you had bothered to read the post and not just gone with your own personal prejudices, you would see that I very much like this woman and like spending time with her. I have no problem breaking up with people when I feel it isn't working and the fact that I am having this issue with her points to the fact that I have deep feelings for her.

Well this is a great message board when I get feminazis jumping down my throat you ridiculous individual!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I would do yourself and her a favor and end this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
To be honest she sounds like she has A LOT on her plate at the moment and all you can think of is that you are "sexually frustrated?"  She is a working mother who has two children and then she has a situation going on with her parents.   Then you are trying to "confront" her about this fear of slipping into the "friend zone" putting her under more pressure to figure out a schedule to see one another because you NEED more SEX.  What are you thinking?

You didn't mention that you missed spending time with her; you are more focused on the lack of sex you are having now because the opportunities have dwindled.

I don't mean to be rude, but you are really NOT thinking about her.  Sounds like she needs a friend more at this time then someone just worried about the sex.  

If sex is all you are looking for I think you need to find someone who is looking for ONLY sex because sex for this working mother of two is NOT a high priority for her and nor should it be.

BTW:  talking online for ages isn't having a REAL life relationship.

"When we have sex it is fantastic. Passionate, loving and warm. I didn't have to pressure her into it the first time either. I was trying to be a gentleman about it and break my habit of sleeping with a girl the first time I went to their house but she ended up dragging me upstairs ;)"................Geesh.  Sounds like sex is an "old problem" of yours indeed as you have a habit of sleeping with women too quickly and then you are surprised when things fizzled out, e.g. sex dwindles.  Of course this is happening BECAUSE you are only connecting with these women on a physical level meaning there is NOTHING other than sex connecting you.  

ASK yourself are you really wanting a relationship or just casual sex?  If you are really wanting a relationship with a woman QUIT sleeping with them so quickly and get to know her and her situation before hitting the sheets.  You need to figure you out first.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sorry I meant to say that we met after talking online for ages.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.