Theories . . .

[specialmom]

What is your theory for why a woman or man stays with someone that everyone says is no good for them or no good in general?  

[specialmom]

Well, that's definitely a possible theory and probably true for some Londres!

[Londres70]

SM, I have known couples and still know couples who thrive on over the top drama........calling each other names, throwing things at each other in the heat of the drama, destroying each others property, cursing, shoving, etc. etc. etc.  I took one friend in because was ready to end things with her significant other and guess what?  She went back.  I guess my house was too calm and peaceful for her.  LOL.  I just think some people have to have this dysfunction or things become to mundane for them.  Dysfunction=excitement. That's one of my theories.  

[specialmom]

Hi londres.  Good points.  I do agree that whether 'the crowd' likes that two people are together or not is irrelevant if both parties are happy in the relationship.

I was speaking, though, more in terms of those things that most of us consider deal breakers.  The man who beats his wife, the couples in which fighting results in police coming for domestic violence calls, screaming obscenities at one's partner, unattended addiction issues that someone is denying any help for, habitual cheaters.  Those more extreme things.  When someone reports these awful things that are happening and acknowledge that they are dangerous but leaving is still not something they will do when it is in the best interest of their own safety.  

But otherwise, when a relationship works---  and is healthy (minus the above horrific scenarios), it's the business of those in the relationship and no one else's.  Agreed.  :>)  And really, it's not anyone's business if someone stays in an abusive relationship.  I was just wondering why someone subjects themselves to that when most will leave it for their own sanity and safety.  If choked out by someone . . .   there wouldn't be a next time for me.  But others will stay.  

[Londres70]

I would consider "no good" subjective.  What "no good" is for one person can be different for another.  Just because others don't feel good about the person someone has chosen doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad deal for that person.  

If there is abuse or harm involved, then yes......the situation is no good.  Why people stay in these situations?  The answer is not so simple.  

At the end of the day it is his/her choice to be in a relationship or with a person no one approves of; not mine.  If it isn't affecting me I am not going to worry about it.

[specialmom]

Well, I agree there are a lot of individual reasons but am sure there are some trends when a man or women ignore facts in order to keep a relationship going.  I think some have a personal background that plays a role--  meaning a childhood that led them down this path.  They could have dysfunctional parents that fought, had anger management problems.  I know this is why a lot of people become abusers so suspect it is how a lot of people wind up with this type of person and stay with them.  It's a vicious cycle that repeats if you lived it as a child.  

I think some too feel trapped.  They may actually be afraid to go.  And at times, this may be a completely reasonable fear.  OR, they've gotten in a position of having nothing financially with out the other person.  Or believe the lives they tell like they will never see their kids again, etc.  

But then there are some that acknowledge that they are being hurt by someone 'but still love them'.  They are great in other ways.  All people have multiple sides to them and it's a pretty well known pattern for an abuser to abuse and then be profusely sorry. I wonder what kind of rationalizing someone has to do to convince themselves they should stick it out with someone that choked them, pushed them, spit on them, screams obscenities at them.  There has to be something internal that has a tiny bit of damage to not react appropriately---  ANGER right back at them.  

Anyway, I find it a subject that is interesting and wish everyone in this situation digs deep to understand the why for themselves---  why stay.  The underlying reason is often the key problem that they DO have control over and will ultimately give them the courage to move away from pain.  Even if the unknown is scary----  and it often is.  

[Nighthawk61]

I think it happens a good majority of the time because a person has become accustom to the chaos that come from someone who is no good for them. Or their feeling like they want to live on the edge. I also think that alot of times this happens purely based on a thriving sex life. Someone may be willing to continue for the time being, because they haven't experienced the sex life they are having with a person, and even if it can't last, they continue to milk it purely for the sex. Someone that may not have it all together in all areas of their lives, may excel in using their sexuality to keep people involved with them.

[RockRose]

Probably there are as many reasons as there are people who do this.  

The one guy I know who does this routinely doesn't care - he likes it "strange".  Even the knowledge that many of  his friends won't allow his current squeeze into their homes isn't enough to make him break up with them.  He has a "type",  and that "type" is dangerous and strange.

*shrug*