Throw-in the towel or go out even if you're too shy?

[twinkly84]

I am a SWF, never married, no kids, come from an average-sized family. My parents are married still over 40 years.
I've never been arrested, imprisoned. I am not an abuser, party-girl, recovering addict, alcoholic or drug abuser.
I am very wholesome-looking, average in my looks.
I am very, very pure & almost prudish when it comes to sexuality b/c as a fat woman, I am not sexy, it's disgusting but, reality.
I have weird sexual fetishes (too many to list) & have a profile on a fetish site (living an opposite life).
I am a college graduate, have a career & live w/ a male roommate (we've been friends for years).
I am 5'4", 253 lbs., and a professional-preppy dresser.
I was engaged in 1998 but, my ex-fiancee' died the same year we were to marry (he died in March, we were to marry in December sadly though, he passed-away from a heart-attack).

I have been out on countless dates from friends, colleagues, family members.
I was involved w/ church activities, slowed-down a bit now.
I volunteered in the community but, slowed-down that too b/c of work, I am in 2 units.
I took a cooking classes to meet men, at a local technical schoool
I am a member of meetup.com, 55 groups but, nothing happened when I attended events relating to some groups but, I do not like going alone b/c I am TOO shy.
So, it's not like I've not tried getting myself out in the community.

I have been on these dating sites: POF, eharmony, match, some fetish sites (!), american singles, lavalife, chemistry, true, christian singles, singlesnet, bigpeople.org.uk, zoosk & many, many band forums (morrissey-solo.com, bunnymen.com, u2.com, neworder.com, lwtua.com, etc.
So, it's not like I have not tried dating websites....

I have also "sworn it all off" meaning, I took a break, removed profiles & just lived life not caring about if I would ever be loved, etc.
I have toyed with my cynicalism whether or not I would be involved in the dating field again.
I even joined a group to see if I was "pre-destined" for marriage.
I have fought with the ideas in my mind about having kids & marrying.
I have also had a life-coach try to assist me in cleaning up my appearance, to make me more sexy with men, that was a big joke however!!! I am not changing myself for nobody...

So, my question to you, is if you were in my shoes...

Do you think I am not meant for marriage/love?
I am not talking about kids either. I probably won't have kids b/c, I am not a "motherly" type but, I spoil my nephews/neice.
I even toyed w/ the idea maybe I should become a nun since, I have not had love, sex or any form of physicality now in 8 years. I think something is definetly wrong with me in that field..What do you think?
When I say too shy, I don't even want to go to places alone or if I do, I feel weirded-out.
I am not into big parties, clubs, bars, the shore scene. I rather go to other places like art museums, galleries, restaurants or just have quiet movie/cooking nights at home. I just have a really shy personality but, I am still fun.

One further note: I want to move to the UK. It's been my "dream" since I was 12. I am trying to locate websites (what would I type in my search engine as words to search) that would be for me as an American woman that wants to meet a man from the UK?
Is my head in the clouds & should I give-up?
Where would I "start"?
I thought Facebook would help me, yeah right.
I thought band forums on English bands with us fans corresponding would help me, yeah right.

So, should I just throw-in the towel or seriously go back out there even if I am really "too shy"?

[twinkly84]

I just wanted again to reiterate my thanks for the posts.

I am going back at the end of this year, for 2 cities I'll be visiting, it's going to be my 13th time to both.

I am not expecting or anticipating anything but, I my friends that live there, will be setting me up with a few men. I am not as stated, expecting anything.

I want to state too, my career, education, family status, homelife, etc. is all very positive for which I'm totally grateful for.

I just feel that b/c I'm overweight & not very facially attractive (not to mention my clothes/hair could be a bit better), I have had a very, very hard time in the dating world. That's all. I do not have any weird underlying issues.

I wish everyone on this forum good luck in their lives & if I do not get married or have a great man love me even in a partnership, at least then I can say my life is good w/ all of the aspects of it.

Cheers.

[specialmom]

I thought I had remembered your old posts dear.  You've wanted to run away to the UK for years now in the hopes that things would be different there.  

I just worry that you've never really investigated what prevents you from meaningful connections with men.  I think I'd seek some therapy here in the US.  

Nothing stopping you from going but think that you have just wanted to make a move in order to see if there is any difference.  Probably won't be unless you figure out what is under the surface for issues you have in connections.  good luck dear

[SilentPathway]

I guess I need to clarify... If you are unable to find someone to go do something with you do you just not go until you can find someone?

I would feel subconscious if the entire table got up and went to the bathroom and I was sitting there alone; however, this would require me to have friends in the first place. :) I do avoid eye contact, and usually keep my head down or gaze averted. A lot of different reasons went into why I decided to forgo relationships at this time... I cannot figure out any short and simple explanation that would adequately explain why besides that it just felt like the right decision for me.

How is someone being ignorant if they smile at another person? Is this what you think when people do smile at you?

[shell921]

aren't you the one who asked about putting that you live with a male roommate on your dating profile?

[twinkly84]

Hi,

May I ask why you have given up on any relationship at this time?

When you're in a crowded restaurant or at a concert & your friends go to the bathroom leaving you alone, as a shy person, how do you then, feel comfortable? If someone smiles at you, do you look away thinking they're being ignorant or do you smile back?

I'm asking b/c sometimes, as being shy myself when I am out w/ friends & those situations occur, I look away. Most people are judgemental so, I think they're being ignorant or it's some cruel, sick joke.

However, my heart & mind are always open & I am still actively involved in the forums on my POF account.

[SilentPathway]

I am not sure if you will find a "right" answer on the internet. Go with what feels right to you, but don't let that limit yourself in the future and if that feeling changes. It sounds like you are self-conscious about going out alone, so would it be safe to say that you prefer doing things in a group or with at least another person? Realistically, are you able to see yourself never getting married for the rest of your life and feel okay?

I am very introverted and shy as well, and have currently given up any type of relationship at this time. This was a decision that I had to make on my own. I am okay with that along with that thought that I may never get married. So really... only you can answer your question for yourself.

[teko]

I think everyone is meant for love and marriage if they want it, even fat girls like you.
I think you have a self image problem and do not like you very much. Shy to the point of hiding yourself in a corner and looking the other way if someone smiles at you is a really hard way to get to know people of the opposite sex.
Talk to people, small talk to anyone who has a minute, smile at people when you see them. A little bit of therepy might not be a bad idea but you cannot sit inside and turn it off. The best way to end up alone is to cut yourself off from them. If your worried about your weight have you tried a big womens dating sight. I know men that prefer bigger women over all the others. You just gotta loosen up a little girl! Sounds like to me you have lots to offer, someone just needs to git that thru to you.

[Londres70]

Your statement...."I am very, very pure & almost prudish when it comes to sexuality b/c as a fat woman, I am not sexy, it's disgusting but, reality."  Then you go on to say...." I have weird sexual fetishes (too many to list) & have a profile on a fetish site (living an opposite life)."  This could be a bit confusing to a man as you are contradicting yourself.    

Your statement...."I was engaged in 1998 but, my ex-fiancee' died the same year we were to marry (he died in March, we were to marry in December sadly though, he passed-away from a heart-attack)."  I would consider this something "traumatic" and hope you have fully resolved any feelings or emotions related this preferably with professional help involved.  

Your statement....."One further note: I want to move to the UK. It's been my "dream" since I was 12."  Well, why don't you move there and meet a UK man?  Why search for one from America when you can go live there and find one especially since you want to live there anyways?  That makes more sense.  You don't have to know a man or anyone from the UK before you move there.

I see a couple of issues going on here.  I am not sensing ordinary "shy" but more a person who feels inadequate or feels she just doesn't measure up.  I think you are hiding behind your weight and a computer because "real life" situations in regards to dating/relationships justs bring up too much anxiety, fear, feelings of inadequacy, etc. which is more extreme then just "being shy."  I think it's something with you (things you are saying and doing) and not an issue that there isn't someone out there for you to be found.  I am getting a sense you are doing alot of hiding behind so many personas and not presenting the "REAL" you.  

"Do you think I am not meant for marriage/love?"  Well.....only you can answer that.  This is something to figure out for yourself.