Tired of being unhappy

[BADWINDS]

I have been in a relationship to long.........9 years,  Its my fault.  I should have left a long time ago. My partner cheated on me the first year we were together, I forgave her.  5 years ago we had a fantastic baby girl whoi L-O-V-E love so much.  3 years later I found out she was cheating and lying to me about were she was and who she was with, and then I found out that my beautiful girl was not my biological child.  ( I did the testes)  I still am with this women, most likely because of my daughter whom I have no rights to.  3 month ago I had enough of her trips north for 4 days that became 9 days.  Always a reason for it....we got back together  and said we would work on it until September 2010.  We had sex, she said I could *** inside of her because she just finished her period.....for a few days she really wanted me to *** inside of her.  I did only once and then I found out that it was not the end of her period but the middle of it, she got pregnent.  I am not a dead beat dad I love kids and my children.  But I feel like she really put me in a bad spot.  I feel she tricked me, ............Yes sex is my fault as well but.................I don't trust her, I don't want to lose me Daughter and don't want to run when she is pregnent but I am really really unhappy.  I need help................We argue and fight 2 time a week and we don't have sex at very much any more.  ( but the one time).  I feel she got pregnent to say in this relationship and to keep away from not working, which she has not done since Hailey was born.

Anyway I hope it all makes sence.

[Gotmoxy]

You should seriously go to your local courthouse and speak with someone in the family courts division. You may still have rights, since you have been in Hailey's life all along. At least visitation rights.

[BADWINDS]

NO SEE ALWAYS STEPPED AROUND ME WANTING TO SIGN HAILEYS BIRTH CERTIFICATE.  WELL NOW I KNOW WHY.

I THINK ABOUT THIS EVERYDAY AND LOOK FORWARD TO NOT BEING STRESSED AND HAVING A PERSON IN MY LIFE I CAN TRUST.  IF I STAY WITH HER AND AND THE BABY IS BORN AND NOT MINE, THAT WOULD BE TWICE.  

I REALLY THINK I NEED TO MOVE ON, ITS REALLY REALLY HARD.....NOT TO MOVE ON FROM HER BUT TO LEAVE MY WONDERFUL HAILEY

[imanaddict]

My concern is that if she cheated and asked you to *** inside her, perhaps she was already pregnant and trying to pass this child off as yours to cover it up. I could be way off, but that is the impression I got when reading your post.

Did you sign the birth certificate for the first child? If so, you are legally the father whether you are together or not.

[Gotmoxy]

OK so you say that she is trying to make things work now? I think that your real confusion all along, was your feelings toward her, because now you are talking about the pros and cons about her. I know that the kids play a vital role, but I believe you are not ready to give HER up yet either. Maybe things can still turn around. She's trying, and you are still there. So, you might as well give her a chance. Give it a little time, at least until the baby is born. If she is still working on being a better person, or whatever she is doing now, then maybe the relationship can still be salvaged, and you two will rekindle your long lost love for one another.

[BADWINDS]

For the last 5 year she has not don't much in the sence of trying, cooking and cleaning.  Now it seems she is trying to make things work.  I think it is to little to late.  I have been pushed aside for the last 5 years and begging for sex, and some sort of feelings of love.  For 5 years she would leave and not come back when she said she would. Alway some accuss.  

I just want my Daughter to feel happy,  one problem is the home we live in is not mine its my Parents.  We rent it from them.  I can't just leave them here.  I feel so messed up, so confused and stressed on what to do.

What do you guys think about writting a list of pro's and con's about her.  Please help..........I can't take this........................PS none of my family know that Hailey is not my biological daughter.............only of my friends do.

[specialmom]

Hm.  To be honest--------- you don't sound all that confused.  You sound like you know what you would like to do.  I could offer my explanation why I feel you should stay for the time being but if it is not what you want to do or even hear, then what difference does my opinion make?

I think you need to see an attorney.   If you are leaving and would like legal rights to your children, you need to seek counsel to find the best path to take.  Courts are often favorable to the maternal side of things especially when dad leaves.  Especially when dad leaves before the baby is born.  This may not matter to you if this is not your child------- but what about the older daughter that you love?  And . . . heaven forbid this baby is yours.  

So, I'd seek the advice of an attorney to make the best decision to keep your paternal rights.  

And while divorce does happen, it does hurt children.  Things are never the same for them.  So when divorce is necessary, it is important to plan ahead for their feelings.  Make the transition as smooth as possible, no matter what else is going on in your life, make her feel like she is your number one priority, and do not fight with her mother.  Getting along with an ex is really important in a divorce situation for the kids.  While bad feelings often exist, doing what you can to make it all appear amicable is a key element to a child's feelings about it.  And keep things structured and routine so that she still has some sense of stability as life as she's known it changes dramatically.  It hurts----------  that is the reality of divorce.  So just do your best.  

Good luck.  See an attorney and stay active with these kids.  good luck

[BADWINDS]

All, thanks for your comments, staying with my her because of the baby or until the baby is born?
I am not sure, I feel she lied about her period timing, told me she was finished and she couldn't get pregnent. when if fact she was in the middle of her cycle.  In my head I  keep going over and over why, is it because she did have sex with some on else and thought she was pregnent and wanted it to look like it was mine........AGIAN.  or she was going to have to go back to work in september and she has not worked in 5 years, she hateds work and wanted to get pregnent to get out of working................Its been a long going argument between us about her working.  The bottom line is she has lied to me over and over and over again, find out she was somewhere else went she was suppost in a different place.  I have been cheated on 2 times, and beaten down, my stress level is high, I don't want to level but I am not sure why I would stay.  I have stayed in this relationship through it all alot of heart break and depression and pain.


June I broke up this her for a few weeks because she again disapointed me, she was away and didn''t come back when she said she would.  I took her back.

Do I really stay until the baby is born.......................By the way I am not a dead beat dad I love my kids and love doing things with them.  My daughter and I have a really special relationship.  I breaks my heart to think of hurting her.......

Please help very confused...........

ps I know this is partly may fault because I should have left a long time ago.

[Gotmoxy]

I believe you might still have rights to Hailey since you have been there all along, both financially and emotionally. I wouldn't leave until after the baby is born. Get a paternity test. If the baby is not yours, you will know that she is still been unfaithful. You are probably argueing alot because you don't have any trust in her, and that is needed to have a healthy relationship. She hurt you badly, and I can relate to your resentment. My daughter is also named Hailey. Her father did me very wrong also. I am still very resentful, mostly because he is a deadbeat. You don't need to stay together for the children, because it will only harm them more, growing up watching a dysfunctional relationship. It is probably time to leave, but make sure you find out your rights to Hailey first.

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't think they are married.  That does complicate the adoption scenario, since it doesn't seem like a good idea for them to marry now just so he can have rights to the children, but if a lawyer were to advise him to do it, that might be the way to go.  To get legal rights to the kids, unless his partner is just willing to abdicate them, he is going to need some good legal help.

To original poster:  Don't leave before the baby is born if you want to be able to claim any kind of paternal right to the children later.  That will definitely count against you, given that you aren't married and the oldest child is not your genetic child.  You have to show that you hung in there until the day the papers are signed and you have an independent right to take the kids.  (If that is what you want.)

[Njsweetnlight]

There is nothing worse than staying in an unhealthy relationship and nothing worse than be told that a child is yours and to turn out that it is not. I would have left because of the cheating alone and then the child not being yours is the ultimate disrespect. I never knew a good man that gave me that unconditional love. I never cheated, lied, or disrespect and wish I had that man that would bend over backwards like you are right now. My husband doesn't work, lies, yells and complains he doesn't have enough money and I need to work overtime. Go out and find a woman that respects, loves and cherishes you. It is easy to give advice but to follow through with what we know is right is the hardest thing. Don't end up like me feeling sick everyday living with a ungrateful selfish person that thinks only of themself.

[specialmom]

Well,  what about seeing a couple's therapist. You have no proof that she has cheated again and tricked you. It is suspicious, I'll grant you that but not proof.  I think you should stay and legally adopt your older daughter (and she IS yours as she is the child of your heart.)  This helps you with the legalities if a seperation does take place down the road.  She's been your wife for 9 years and you've raised your daughter together.  Is there any chance of rekindling that loving feeling?  Well, it is worth a try.  

Infidelity is an issue and one in which some couple's do not survive it.  But I'd see her through this pregnancy and try to make it work.  If it doesn't, it doesn't.  But wouldn't you feel bad if you do a paternity test and the child is indeed yours?  

So those are just my thoughts on it.  good luck.  

[kay2486]

yes kids will adjust, just tell the kids you'll see them, but its very unfair this child thinks you're her dad, the child ill want to know the truth when older.

its up to you if you wanna see them, but you need to avoid the ex (childs mum) for a while if you know it will break her heart.

its best to go if you dont love her, being in love is different.

why are you unhappy with her?
is it all that she has done?

dont leave just to be spiteful toward girlfriend, you can only go if you are very unhappy, and can see no light at the end of the tunnel?

why is she having trips away?

[BADWINDS]

I guess one question is do I leave before the baby is born?  

I have a good intuition and I feel like there is something not right here.  I am sure I am not in love with her but really love my child.

I know a break up will break her heart,  can kids adjust to beak ups?

[kay2486]

hi,

9 years is quite a while and thats gonna hurt you if you split but if thats gotta be done so it has to be.

thats anwful thing to find out that a child you thought you had wasn't even yours, i couldnt ever cheat and lie too, infact if i think when we cheat we cant be happy not deep down, if we love someone then our eyes certainly dont wonder elsewhere.

i really dont know how you can stay with this woman, i would havent certainly gone as soon as she told me the childs not yours, and id never go back.

i would get checked out for stds, get another paternity test before the baby is born and if the child isnt yours then id be off no messing around.  If the child id yours then you can either try or leave.

you are wrong about the sex because if she says you can *** inside her then you must then have to trust that she is telling the truth, if she said no you cant and you do thens it totally different.

she may well have got pregnant deliberately to make you stay and got u in a corner.

people cant stay together for the kids, if i wasnt happy with my partner then id leave, i couldnt stay to make the kids happy, it wouldnt work.

its up to you what you do, if it were me id ask for a test of paternity, then make up my mind.

in my eyes once a lier always a lier, as for cheating once i enough then id be up and gone for good.

sorry for the bad time you're going through :)

keep us posted

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd see a lawyer about any rights you might have to the first child if you two split.  Possibly your partner will surprise you and want to surrender both children to you after the baby is born -- think this through, would you want this and be able to handle it, if so?  She sounds pretty volatile, if she will cheat on you so flagrantly, how can you trust that she'll stay around even though having your baby?  I'd try to get some legal framework set up so you could retain custody, if that is possible.  

That said, I would request a DNA test for the second child as well.  She might have already known she was pregnant when she came on to you for unprotected sex.

And, get tested for STDs.  If she was willing to have sex unprotected with someone else 6 years ago, and if she is going away with flimsy excuses, there is always the chance she had sex unprotected with someone else again.  You want to be sure you don't catch something.

So sorry you're in the middle of this mess.  I would DEFINITELY find out about your legal rights regarding the kids, from a good family-law lawyer.