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559001 tn?1220581807

Torn between lovers

Hello again,

I have a serious problem that only I can resolve, over a year ago I had an affair with a married and and he new I was married well, I broke it off over a year ago and moved on and was giving my marriage a time to work. Well every now and then I would call and say hello just to check on him and see how he doing. Well I called las week and he ask if I could come over just to visit and I did so as I was leaving he stated you know I am not married anymore and I said oh you finally got a divorce. Oh I forgot to mention during our affair he moved into his own apartment. well getting back to the story he said his wife died of breast cancer back in may. I was shocked, I felt really bad for him. Anyway before he told me about his wife we were talking about how we missed eachother. and I told him we need to be careful before we open up doors that has een closed. I am so confused I love my family that why I ended the relationship the first time I need honest advice.  I forgot to mention we had an affair for 4 years. I dont want to hurt my husband but I can't seem to get him off my mind, during the affair he was like a drug, I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
28 Responses
484465 tn?1532217632
this is why you just don't start affairs.  it's too easy to spend time bonding, copulating, and growing close enough to someone so that you feel feelings of "love" and desire blossoming between the two of you.  it's so normal and natural and it's expected.  

i suggest that you leave your husband, due to the abandonment that you have already committed to your marriage and go and be with the man that is "like a drug", that you chose over your husband, this man that you just can't get enough of.  it's the best thing.  it's the right thing and you two definitely deserve one another 100%
575741 tn?1235673354
You know when people get married they vow to fight temptation, which you obviously have a weakness for...your poor husband! Your lucky he's even stuck around for this long with all this betrayal!!!.........or does he not know anything?? You need to figure out who you really want to be with and go from there.... you know you can't have them both! Put yourself in your husbands shoes and think about how he's feeling or how he would feel if he knew! As for the OTHER man....let me see...he cheated on his dead wife with you soooo if you stick with him what do you think he's going to do to you?? Do you honestly beleive he's going to be faithful with you?? ha! ya your living a dream girl!! Mind you with the way your living now, maybe you should just get a divorce and be with the man you had an affair with because down the road he'll cheat on you and you'll cheat on him and it will be a never ending cycle! What a perfect future don't you think?? You husband deserves so much better than what he's got in front of him and damn you for having an affair for 4 YEARS!!!! SHAME! You should really start thinking about other people's feelings.....like your husbands!.....and stop being so selfish!!People like you make me sick!!!!
Avatar universal
To be fair, if you aren't in love with your husband and you are cheating on him, you need to end it.  Your husband can't move on and cant start to heal until you do so.  So do the right thing.
559001 tn?1220581807
You all have a point and I am not trying to play the victim, I am so wrong and I know this and you are right my husband don't deserve this type of treatment. I ask him did he want to saperate and move on but he dosn't seem to want to let go. He just won't leave and it makes me feel bad and stay that why I stop the relationship with the other guy. What do I Do.  I don't want to hurt my husband but he won't let go. That why I think I should just stop all contact with him but the thing is even when I am with my husband all I do is think of him. I guess this is when you do the right thing keep your family together and deny thy self. Why because I have so many people that will be affected by my decision to meet my selfish needs, I don't want that so this is why I will stay and thanks for being honest.
145992 tn?1341348674
I just found out that my fiance cheated on me and we just had a son together.  I think what you are doing is disgusting.  Your husband deserves a chance to be happy.  You are more than selfish.  You have a family with him and more than just your husband will be affected.  Which you obviously have realized.  If you aren't going to be 100% faithful to your husband, which means emotionally as well, then you should just leave him so he can move past this.  I really hope you can do right by your family.
559001 tn?1220581807
I am so sorry what happen in your relationship. However, Please don't judge me I know what I did was wrong I am not making excuses for my action. I'm trying to resolve this without anyone getting hurt, I feel like I should have left well enough along I should have never contacted him again I was doing so well it been a year since I seen him and I had to open that door back up. No my husband don''t deserve this type of treatment. Our marriage was fine until I meant the other guy in 2003 I don't know what led up to the affair but I been trying to rid myself of these feeling so that I can move on in my marriage most of our children are grown we just have a 14 year old who still need us and our grand-children's love to see us together I know so many people will be affected my decision that why I have to cut this man off for good. I just need to control my need to contact him. Thank you,  just don't be so judgemental because you never know what you would do if you were in my shoes.
145992 tn?1341348674
I think perhaps you need to figure out why you feel the need to stray from your marriage.  Until you figure out those issues, I believe you will attempt this again and again.  You need to not contact this man ever again.  I wouldn't be in your shoes because I wouldn't be unfaithful.  I couldn't live with myself if I was.  It causes so much hurt on so many levels and I know this because I'm on the other end of it.  I think I should be able to judge you since I know what the outcome of infedility is.  I know how it feels to be betrayed by the one person who says they love you.  I know how much damage it inflicts on a family.  So why wouldn't I judge?  Based on the other posters they all have judged you.  I'm only telling you this because you should understand that what you are doing is not ok.  Imagine if you were in your husbands shoes instead.  I'm sorry I'm being harsh but even if I wasn't a victim of a cheating partner, I still find it unacceptable.  I think if you are unhappy in your marriage you should either, seek counseling to work on your issues or leave the marriage.  
559001 tn?1220581807
In repsonse to your question yes it was me. And when I was involve in that relationship before I became a member of my  church, I believe we have many test we go through in  life and temptation is one of them. I am not trying to hurt my family I always been the one who put everyone before my own needs.  However, I came to this form for help not to be judge. You know I was just like everyone who is passing judgement I used to judge everyone that had affairs on their spouses and I always said what I woundn't do ever do that, I don't know where this came from but I leaned not to judge anyone in any situation because you have not walk in their shoes. There is a saying sweep around your own back door before  you sweep around mine, You may not cheat but I am pretty sure younhave some weakness youre struggling with. One thing I can say we all need to be careful who we allow to speak in our ear when our marriage is going through. and as for the guy in the church that was just an attraction nothing happen we don't even look at one another any more. I guess venting on this forum only get you beat down rather than support yes, I am ok with honesty but be careful because some people maybe looking for help and reaching out for anwser, I just recently lost my nephew who committed sucide on July 31, 2008 over his relationship.  What if he was looking for help on this forum about his relationship well as I can see he would have felt even worse. What I am saying give advice not your opinion.
145992 tn?1341348674
Isn't advice someone's opinion?  What do you want us to say?  We are giving you advice, you just don't like what we have to say so you're getting defensive.  It's NOT ok to cheat on your spouse, I can say I've never cheated, nor would I ever cheat.  What's the problem with leaving a relationship that you are unhappy with or working on the problems?  Why do you feel the need to be unfaithful to such a great husband.  It's not like I haven't had men try to ask me out or flirt with me while I have been in a relationship but you know what, I am not going to hurt the person I'm with by being unfaithful.  I would feel extremely guilty.  I post on here also knowing that I may be judged for my decisions but that's the chance I take when I post.  Not everyone is going to sugar coat things for you.  That wouldn't be real advice would it?  You want someone to pat you on your back and say, it's ok that you cheated on your family for years?  Maybe you were having problems in your marriage, I don't know, but like I said before, deal with those problems or end the marriage.  I just don't get it...sorry maybe I do take it personally but I'm sure most people would look down upon a cheating partner.
559001 tn?1220581807
Thanks for responding, Believe it or not I have spoke with my husband about counseling on several occassion, and he indicated we were ok and I explain no we not, and he just go on like everything is ok I have gone through this for years and he don't get it I want my marriage to last. I just get so tired of taking care of the house, bills, and  the kids and I work just like he does. back in 2003 when all this  began I  had just started school working on my bachelors that how i met the guy he was my tutor in math.  Anyway,  I knew it was wrong but I believe it was my escape from what was really going on. Please don't don't think I am making excuses I'm  just giving some of my fustration.
145992 tn?1341348674
Well then you go to counseling on your own.  Well isn't that what most affiars are about?  Escaping from your relationship in some way.  My fiance cheated on me while I was pregnant and his reasoning behind his affair was because we were having problems and fighting all the time.  He felt that I was paying attention to my pregnancy and baby.  His affair was an escape from the reality of our family.  I would have been more comfortable if it was just him f*cking someone but this was an emotional long term affair.  I understand that you were sick of things, trust me, I do everything and raise our son almost all on my own.  I was going to end things or seek counseling...I didn't stray.  You need to take some responsibility for your actions and if your husband refuses counsleing then all I can say is you go by yourself and there you can vent all of your frustrations.  Maybe if you tell him that it's either the end of the marriage or you both seek couples counseling, then he might see the seriousness of everything.
419964 tn?1333305506
Why stay in a marriage if your not happy? cheating is wrong theres no excuse for it, how hard is it to pack your stuff and leave?
Avatar universal
Starchild, I love your saying "sweep around your own back door before you sweep around mine."  I'll have to save that away for future use because, in real life, a lot of people in the world ARE judgmental.

I think some of the posters here may sounding a bit harsh, but I do think they are honestly trying to be helpful, though I wish some particularly harsh adjectives were left out here and there.

I know where you are coming from (as far as the sharing of work goes) because I am right there, right now, myself.  I was the main wage earner all our marriage but was recently laid off and have still left everything for my wife to do even though she now has a job herself.  But I have realized the errors of my ways and am going to make a concerted effort to do more around the house - even after I get another job!

Your husband may not need counseling so much as a kick up the back side to get him to share the work load!  But counseling sure wouldn't hurt.  What you might do is to go ahead and set an appointment for some date with a marriage counselor, mention that appointment to your husband, and then tell him that YOU ARE GOING whether he comes along or not.  Tell him that he probably ought to come so he can tell HIS side of the story.  Men are prideful and that might just motivate him to come along!  LOL

If you want have your husband e-mail me and I'll have a chat with him.  He probably loves you but it just isn't sinking in that he needs to take on more around the house.

You have never said that you don't love your husband.  I don't think that the other poster's caught this fact.  Your love for him is what, I think, keeps you back from going off with this other man.

By the way - no mention has been made anywhere of your telling your husband what you have done.  I just want to tell you my opinion on that.  DON'T TELL HIM!  What you did is between God and you.  You are forgiven (if you prayed for forgiveness).  You just need to pray now for the strength not to ever get caught up in having another affair and also for help in resolving your family issues.


559001 tn?1220581807
Well, to set the record straight I think we all learn from criticism and need someone to help us along the way, It wasn't my intension, I didn't meet him and say oh let's cheat on our spouses for whatever the reason it happen and I can't change the situation. I just needed to vent and I did. I really appreiate everyone opinion, advice whatever, because in the end GOD is the only one who I will stand before. and I heard a message yesterday, that GOD is not like man he uses our issue to make us better he new about the affair before it even got started, and the messager also stated that only man is quick to judge so its ok I'm fine, I know what I have to do and the good thing is I have the greatest husband who  is understanding and compassionate enough to forgive me and move on.  So I just figure it out why ruin what could be the best accomplishment that I will ever have done on this earth love a man who has unconditional love for me and for get the past and move forward for the sake of our family and friends who love the both of us so we won't put them in a position where they have to choose I think it time we truely go on vacation and do things together as a couple to build our relationship for the better, again thank you all.
145992 tn?1341348674
Well I hope it all works out for you.  I'm glad you are choosing to work on your family and not resort to your previous ways.  Your husband is a wonderful man to look past what you have done and still continue on.  Just remember this when you feel the urge to stray again.  Good luck to you and your family.
152852 tn?1205717026
You need counseling to try to figure out why you searching for something you think you don't have--why you keep looking outside yourself for happiness.

Make no mistake about it--if you were to leave your husband and go with this guy who is like a drug to you, it's only a matter of time before his snoring gets on your nerves, you get bored, you don't think he's paying enough attention to you, you don't feel appreciated, or whatever else it is that you focus on that will make you look elsewhere for happiness.  You create your own happiness--if you focus on all the bad things in your relationship, that's all you'll see.  Likewise, if you focus on the good, you're likely to feel good about it.

When my cousin decided she was done with her husband, I would tell her things like, "He's a GOOD man...he works really hard, has always taken care of you, even when you were really sick...he's adores you and is a great father...and no one will love your kids like he does."  Her reply was, "He's too hyper and loud...and he has terrible grammar...and he leaves his filthy mechanic's work clothes, covered with grease, with his disgusting underwear at the bottom of the basement steps every single day."  Uh...ok...I guess that's it, then.  She would not see anything redeeming in him--she was done and was focusing on every single thing she could focus on to justify moving on.  If this is where you are with your husband, then move on and let him find someone who appreciates him.  But my cousin, like you, thought the grass would be greener.  She has since cried to me and said she wishes she could go back and do it over because she is miserable (her ex-husband pined for months and months for her, trying to get her back, and he finally let go and is with a really nice woman now).  And my cousin's boyfriend ended up being very selfish, won't commit, and he hates her one daughter and it causes problems between them all the time.  (Prince Charming turned out to be a total jerk.)

If you want to avoid a repeat of this in the future (whether with your husband or someone else)--and it sounds like it's already a possibility when you keep calling your ex-lover and you started desiring a man a church as well--you need to stop all contact with all other men besides your husband and get into counseling (by yourself) to figure out why you keep looking outside yourself (and your marriage) for happiness.

All the best to you.
100019 tn?1335923317
I think what bothers most of us is your flippant attitude about how you're being judged and no one has walked in your shoes, blah blah blah.

I think you might be missing the point.  You might find a bit more sympathy here if it was a one or two time thing.  Everyone makes mistakes.

You had an affair for 4 f**ing years.  Do you really have any idea how long that is?  How many times you had to lie, betray and who knows what else in order not to get caught?

What exactly does that say about your character?  And don't give me any of that God forgiveness **** either.  Your post above stated you continued to call him to "see how he was" and one day he invited you over so you went.  Then during the conversation you two talk about how much you missed each other and he tells you his wife died.

IF you truly repented and asked God to forgive you He would.  But you have to be sincere in your request and it's my belief that sincerity entails some action on your part.  Let's see...maybe by breaking off ALL contact entirely with the other man???  And trying to live up to promises made to God?
559001 tn?1220581807
Well catie he had more time to talk and listen to what I had to say, Rather than sit infront of the television, Believe it or not it just wasn't about sex we just communicated alot on the phone and spend alot of time together, We would pick movies that we both would enjoy together and a  lot of cuddling and just spending time driving around site seeing it was nice but again he wasn't my husband.
152852 tn?1205717026
Think back on when your husband was courting you.  Did you not do things like that together?  And the fact that it's been four years is not relevant to that--you are stuck in perpetual courtship with this guy until it moves to the next level.  Then it's only a matter of time before your relationship with this other man transitions into one that more closely resembles your marriage.

You can't go looking elsewhere forever--especially when children are involved.

Come back to reality and get some counseling.
559001 tn?1220581807
I really allow myself some time to think things throw and I realize that I rather work on my marriage because I know what I have but don't know what I'm getting, so my husband and I decided to leave our kids in our home since they work and can pay the mortage and move out to a 2 bedroom apartment so we can have time to our selves I am very excited. By the way we did go out together this week end and had a blast.
100019 tn?1335923317
How old are you?  From the way your posts read I got the impression you were very young.  But if your kids are old enough to pay the mortgage your obviously older than I assumed.
152852 tn?1205717026
Her bio says 44, Mrs Ockert.

I guess that's good that you are working on your relationship with your husband, but escaping to a fantasy world, like you had with your lover, is a bit concerning--if you don't get to the bottom of why you look elsewhere when that exciting, new-relationship-feeling wears off, you're just going to look at your husband's dirty socks on the floor of your two bedroom apartment one day or be annoyed that he's watching tv and not communicating with you and be in the same boat you were in before.

Are the two of you (at least you) going to counseling as well as decorating your new apartment together and "going out and having a blast"?
145992 tn?1341348674
I agree with Agiesmom, eventually this high that you and your husband are on will fade and you will be left with the same relationship you had that you were fleeting from.  Right now it is euphoric bliss, you are happy to be back with one another and excited by this fresh start.  You are both still the same people, you need counseling to work on the issues that are being swept under the rug.  You need to understand why you strayed in the first place and resolve that before you can expect to have a healthy, stable marriage.
103391 tn?1221812147
Sorry to go off topic.... just wondering if english is your second language (Catie). I son't mean to offend - but I could barely read your post due to the spelling mistakes.

Also, how you can say there is nothing wrong with this situation, and it's 'okay'. It's okay to cheat??!!

Sara
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