Unknowingly the other woman.....what would you have done?

[adgal]

This all happened a long time ago, but has always bothered me.  I have always wondered if I should have done something different.  Here's the story...

I was dating a guy for maybe a month and a half to two months.  It wasn't all that serious, just dating, having fun.  I wasn't in love with him or anything.  I finally figured out he was married....I honestly had no idea when we met, but little things began to add up....he had been to my house, I had never been to his.  I only ever had his cell phone no (I guess not that big a deal in itself), it was often tough to get ahold of him...just sort a general feeling. I confronted him and he admitted it.  I was horrified and immediately ended it.  I wanted absolutely no part of something like that.  Several weeks later I was out with some girlfriends at a restaurant enjoying the evening and in he walks with what I just knew was his wife.  They were seated not far from the restroom, he was facing our table.  I had had a bit of wine and decided to make him sweat a bit.  Funny, I had to go to the ladies room (and walk right by their table) every 5 minutes or so.  Everytime I walked in their direction, he of course could see me coming...her back was too me.  You should have seen the man sweat!  He was an absolute nervous wreck.  At one point she was actually in the ladies room the same time as me and I bet he was ready to bolt out of the restaurant!  I enjoyed seeing him squirm and kept it up until they left.  My question is this...should I have told her what her husband had done?  Would you have wanted me to tell you?  I was angry that he had made me a part of something I would never knowingly be a part of, but mostly angry for her.  I'm sure she was a lovely person (and there were 2 kids involved as well) and even if she wasn't she certainly did not deserve that.  I hope I taught him a lesson and he didn't do anything like that again, but what do you think?  Would you have told her?  Weird how this still bothers me so many years later.  

[peaceinknowing]

I've been in this woman's shoes before in the past [only not married at the time, but am married now VERY hapilly] and I would have rather not known. When I found out, it tore my world apart. Of course I was able to move on, seeing that I am very hapilly married right now... But the pain that this caused me in the past is something I will never get over, even though I try.

[megochick101]

What scum! Well i'm so glad you made him sweat and that you ended the relationship after learning of his being married.

I do agree with the other posters though. had you told her in public like that it would have been even worse, as she would have either exploded in front of her children or had to hold it inside until she could deal with it. I also think that she would have been even more hurt having to hear that her husband cheated on her from 'the other woman" instead of from her husband himself.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You didn't know he was married, don't carry that guilt around. He should be the one feeling guilty about the situation and I hope it comes back to bite him in the a$$.

[imanaddict]

You probably weren't the only woman he cheated on his wife with and I think she will find out one day what a sleazeball her husband is. I feel really bad for their children! It will tear them apart.

[Judy246]

If he had a conscience and respected the sacred vows that he pleadge, for better or for worse, in sickeness and in health, til death do us part he would not have committed adultery. It's obvious that maybe one day in his lifetime,  he will regret his action and maybe as for forgiveness. I doubt it.

[j7653]

I think I would not have told her.  But I think I might have made him sweat more than you did, perhaps by contacting him after the restaurant and telling him that you could tell his wife if you ever felt the need or were so inclined.

That would cause him a lot more sleepless nights and would ALWAYS hang over his head.

Interesting topic  

[jo929]

I think that you did the right thing and i respect you for it, but he sure did deserve to squirm, telling her, would have not did any good she will find out soon on her own, she would have just have felt hostile towards you  luck  jo

[AHP84]

I agree with Vance2335 and think it's a good thing you didn't tell her in a public place. Just imagine what it would've been like to find out that information, as the wife, in a public restroom, with your husband and children sitting just outside, and at least your kids enjoying their meal and family time.
Had you told her then, which was the only opportunity you ever had to tell her, imagine how she might have reacted, and felt, and then had to go out from the restroom and either silently face her husband until they were home and the kids were in bed (and the kids most likely would have sensed the tension), or completely explode at her husband in front of their kids and in a public place.
I think it's a good thing you never told her.
He will live with what he did for the rest of his life in guilt and shame, or he will be caught in the act at some point and face his consequences if that hasn't happened already.
You did the right thing by getting out of that relationship with him and by not saying anything to his wife that night. He will suffer some form of consequence at some point, if he hasn't already. At least you're free of that.

[adgal]

I guess I have been thinking about it lately because I am now married with our first child on the way.  I have also been reading a lot of the posts on here about women who have been cheated on and how they feel, and I think about how I would feel if my husband did something like that.  I think I would want to know, so it bothers me I didn't tell her. I wonder if he did it again....and in all honesty, when I confronted him (I actually asked him if he was involved, it never occured to me he might actually be married), he admitted it right away and it truly didn't seem to bother him at all.  He told me about his children and everything...what a dog.  He didn't attempt any excuses like some of the ones I have read here...you know, unhappy marriage, just together for the kids, etc.  Not that that would have made what he did better, but still, it was like it was no big deal. He didn't really hurt me, except for the fact that I do not appreciate being made a part of something that is absolutely wrong.  I feel badly for his family.  Another women's man is hands off!!

[Vance2335]

If the man is religious then he will be forgiven for his sins, if he asks for forgivness.

But from a man's point of view, I am glad you did not tell her when you had the chance. Maybe if you had gotten her outside or sometime at his house then maybe, but not in a public place like that. It was a private matter and needed to be handled in private. You would have done more harm to the woman if you had told her in the resturant.

[Judy246]

p.s. as a Christian woman, I believe that one day he is going to stand before God and will be held accountable for his action and breaking the commandment "Thout Shalt Not Committ Adultery".....mortal sin.

[Judy246]

I always say that you don't know how to react unless you are in the persons shoes. I commend you for accepting that a relationship with a married man is wrong, immoral and mortal sin (on his part, because you didn't know) and I'm so glad you made him sweat like a dog. I'm latin and we don't take that type of ****. I would have probably introduce myself to her on the spot, but in hinesight, it served no purpose. He has a conscience that in the long run is going to eat him alive like a cancer with guilt and this women doesn't deserve to be cheated on, just like you didn't deserve to be cheated on.

I truly believe that everything that is hidden and in secret will eventually be discovered and only pain and sorrow can come from relationships that are in secret. I also believe in Karma.....what comes around, goes around and one day when he will least espect it it's going to come back to bite his butt.  I'm proud of how you handled it....all hell would have broken loose with me.

[Artemis04]

Well personally I would have told her. I was in a situation like the one you state above recently (my post are under baby mama or man drama, ect.) The baby mama and I were nice and cordial to each other, we talked to each other about what happened - how he was seeing the both of us and a third person at the same time. Hell we even confronted him at his own home - he was acting defensive and squirmish like a little school girl as we talked - lol. It hurt me to my core that he could have did that **** after I liked him and he said he liked and cared about me and this is still recent - within past 2 weeks. The baby mama and I just felt as though we deserved the right to know what he was doing even if he did not want to speak up for himself and admit the truth....well he did but verry much later after he was busted. I do not regret talking to her...I think I did the right thing for me, her, her children, and in the eyes of God. He wanted me to lie and not say anything but I could not be the woman on the side. He still calls me but its his loss he chose his bed and he must lie in it.