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Avatar universal

Unsure Mom to be with Dad that wants to abort

Hi There, Just recently found out I am 6 weeks pregnant with my boyfriend of 5 months. I have wanted a baby for quite a while now and was both excited and terrified when I found out I was expecting. My boyfriend has been well aware since day one that I was not on any birth control and we both made the decision to not use protection. Now that I am pregnant he tells me he does not want me to have this child as we are "not ready" being that we both have a bit of debt. His $25000 mine $15000. We both have steady jobs, both live on our own (not together at this point in time) and both have good reliable vehicles. He is really pushing me towards having an abortion (which I have done before and it was very hard on me emotionally). I am just wondering what others opinions are of my situation? I want to keep the baby but he does not.
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much! I have been doing research into the costs of raising a baby alone and I also have a call into debt Counselling to help me get in a better position for when baby comes. I appreciate all the advice and have started building up a great support team of friends and family. I also agree that we both took the risk early on and I will be learning from my mistakes. If he leaves I plan on just focusing on raising my baby and furthering my career. I have already found a day home close to where I live that will take a newborn so if I need to go back to work early I can.

Thanks again for the advice. I am feeling really good about my desision to stand my ground and now I just need to wait to see if the bf (or ex bf) makes a desision. :)
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well there has been some good advice here.  I agree that if you decide to keep the baby, formulating a plan of exactly what you need to do in order to do that is important.  And I'd look at it like you will be a single mother.  That is tough and I'm sorry as I'm sure this isn't the way you dreamed it would be when you became a momma.  

lots of luck dear
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Avatar universal
Agree with NG......very good insight and ABSOLUTELY agree.  

The relationship progressed too quickly and the reality of the situation set in in regards to your bf.  Plus, ideally, you want to bring a baby into this world in a more ideal situation if possible, i.e. no debt, a long term committed relationship between you and your bf or even marriage.  

Anyways......do what you think is best for you and prepare for the worst in regards to this bf.  He may or may not come around.....time will tell.  

All the best.
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480448 tn?1426948538
Good for you, I commend you for standing your ground.

I DO have some advice for you that you may not want to hear.  I'm saying all of this out of kindness and concern, not criticism.  

You BOTH sound as though you're not acting very responsibly, to be honest.  For one, you guys have only been together 5 months, and already you are taking chances with unprotected sex that obviously led to a pregnancy?  That's awfully careless, especially considering that, obviously, the two of you have very differing views on becoming parents, at least right now.  

Having a raising a child is a BIG responsibility, and your BF has a couple good points, especially about the debt.  That's a hefty amount of debt to START out with.  In this day and age, most people are in debt, to some degree, but my point is, you BOTH could have made better choices so you didn't end up in this situation.  There are MANY different  kinds of birth control.  I know, I know...shoulda coulda woulda...but if anything, this is good advice to heed later.  Down the road, with a newborn in tow, you may decide to be a little more careful as to not add onto your family prematurely, until you can optimize the home circumstances.

Ths statistics are sadly against you guys as a couple, with you being in such a short relationship.  It is more likely that you'll end up a single mom than it is you and him and your child living "happily every after", especially with the way the relationship is starting out, with very BIG life altering decisions.  Most solid couples have trouble weathering those kinds of storms, let alone a new couple who is just getting to know each other.

I think it is great you made a decision and clearly communicated to him that it is his decision to decide what to do next for HIM, but just please try to prepare yourself for what is to come.  You face a large number of struggles, from this relationship not working, to being a single mom trying to raise a baby alone, to possible child support legal battles, you name it.  Sure, you'll find ways to make it all work, just have a level head and TRY to plan ahead as much as you can, to minimize any stress from the relating "fall out" if he leaves.

For one, start saving as much money as you can, and start paying those debts down, even if you just pay $5 more a month, it will make a difference somewhere.  Consult an agency like consumer credit counselling.  There are agencies (not loan companies or consolodation companies) that will work with you for FREE to bring your debt to a more reasonable place, and get it paid off quicker.  They will work with your creditors and often get interest waived while you pay off the balance.

Start planning a budget, and look into the added costs of raising baby.  Again, if you can put some money aside, that will help a lot.  When it comes time to have a shower, be sure you communicate to your guests (or via your registry) that you need the basics in lieu of fancy deisgner baby clothes.  Diapers, gift cards to WalMart, those kinds of things.  There are ways these days to have more "responsible" showers (crazy, huh?).  The silk Liz Claiborne onsies may be adorable, but they are not practical.

Start getting your support system behind you, your family, friends.  Start NOW looking into daycares, or start figuring out child care, both the logistics and the cost.  You'll need a big support system whether or not your BF stays or goes.  This is a big change in your life, and while no doubt a blessing, it can be HARD!!!

Lastly, when you finally know what your BF is going to do, do not waste time petitioning the court for your child support.  Don't try to make an agreement outside the courtroom, it's always better, for ALL parties involved to do things on the books.

I wish you the very best of luck, I hope your BF does the right thing, because more than just financial support, your baby needs a Daddy.  If he can't step up, be sure to surround your son or daughter with lots of other positive male role models in his/her life...uncles, grandpap, brothers, friends, etc.  That's really important.  I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy.  Hopefully you guys WILL live happily ever after with very few bumps in the road.  Take Care!
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Avatar universal
This is your decision and ONLY your decision whether he is on board or not.  

He won't have any choice as far as child support goes.  
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971074 tn?1362759766
Good for you. Best wishes and enjoy your pregnancy!
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Avatar universal
Thank you everyone, I talked with him last night and told him I am keeping it and he needs to make a decision on what he wants to do next.
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2195822 tn?1341056911
My bf wanted me to terminate. I refused. Our daughter is now one. He's an amazing father and feels sickened that he ever said such a thing..we are expecting our second in December..he might.just be in shock like mine was..good luck with whatever happens x
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2193601 tn?1392460637
If u really want the bby keep it cus 2 me it obviously sounds like u dnt want 2 get another abortion im personally against abortion but thats me but in the end its ultimately up 2 U not him or any of us good luck with watever choice u make but it sounds like ur guna make the right one keepin ur lil one
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2062815 tn?1342885289
Screw him... Do not get a abortion and break up with him sue for child support.
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Avatar universal
I was in the same situation where the father didn't want me to keep our baby. I too had an abortion before it was very emotional and I didn't wanna go thru that again. I made the decision to keep my baby and the father told me he wanted nothing to do with it. I am now 24 Weeks and I am very excited that I made the decision to keep my baby girl. It's his lost that he doesn't wanna be a part of her life but I have a huge support system. I say keep ur baby... It may hurt if he says he doesn't wanna be there but ur baby deserves a chance a life... U will quickly make a bond with ur baby and be so happy abt it! Good luck
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Avatar universal
I think you should do what you think is right. There's a reason god let you concieve this baby when you did, just saying...
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Avatar universal
I thnk u shudnt use abortion as ur birth control my gosh obviously u dnt want a child so plz get on sum sort of protection sum women cant have kids while others jus get abortion after abortion im nt tryin to b rude but it takes one second to put on a condom
Helpful - 0
3077314 tn?1400673108
This is completely your decision. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. If he doesn't want to be a part of the childs life then so be it. If you feel as though you can love them and take care if them then don't question how you feel. There are plenty of single mothers that do a wonder job taking care of their children. And most people have babies when it's not the right time for them, you make it the right time. Good luck to you! Just remember you are the only one who has to live with your decision because  unfortunately he probably wouldn't give it a second thought.
Helpful - 0
3077314 tn?1400673108
This is completely your decision. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. If he doesn't want to be a part of the childs life then so be it. If you feel as though you can love them and take care if them then don't question how you feel. There are plenty of single mothers that do a wonder job taking care of their children. And most people have babies when it's not the right time for them, you make it the right time. Good luck to you! Just remember you are the only one who has to live with your decision because  unfortunately he probably wouldn't give it a second thought.
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Avatar universal
Agreed best of luck no matter what.
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2188958 tn?1346444891
Hope you make the best decision for you and your baby.
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2188958 tn?1346444891
I don't think abortion is the solution. but whatever you want. Im pro choose. don't let him tell you what to do its your body!  but i just think that its pretty dumb how he knew you weren't taking any birth control and now he won't take responsibility, you guys are old enough to know what's right from wrong. i mean it was an accident waiting to happen. If you choose abortion plz next time around take precaution i really hate abortions but its your choose NOT HiS. And either way i don't think anyone is ever ready for a baby even the most prepared.Good luck
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Avatar universal
Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you chose :)
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Avatar universal
I had an abortion 4yrs ago and still regret it to this day. Thank you all for your comments.
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Avatar universal
Well as you stated in your post you have already had an abortion before and it was hard on you so just imagine going through that all over again besides her may just be scared at the time but farther down your pregnancy or when the baby arrives he may have a change of heart either way you sound more than capable of doing it on your own so in my opinion I would keep it
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Avatar universal
^^agree....my cousin just turned 22 and she had an abortion at 3 months last year...she still regrets it til this day
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Avatar universal
Listen I'm not some anti abortion fanatic but I will tell you this. Talk to an adult who has had an abortion (I have not but know a few who have) either way weather you keep the child or abort the baby. Abortion can take a HUGE emotional toll on you. Find someone older and experienced to talk to who is outside the situation.
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Avatar universal
I agree with the two posts. You've only been with him 5 months though. Do you really think you can count on him-like do you really know him well? The point is its your decision. If he doesn't want to be in the baby's life then you can not make him. If you decide to have the baby he can sign away his parental rights and you "3" can go your separate ways. Do what's best for you. Any option you chose may be hard but doesn't mean it's not bearable.
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