Was a victim of child abuse

[gun2010]

I am a male, now 30 years old. Handsome, well built and manly. When i was around 14 years, a guy who was around 25 at that time forcefully abused me sexually. In the first incident, i scared a lot, but later i found my self liking him for sexual relationships. These relationships are still continuing and i am still not married. I never want to love him(or any other guy, no matter how good he is) and i will never love a man. I always like girls and it will not change. However, quite often when i materbate, i visualize having sex with older guys who are bigger than me. I am always a bottom guy in all these visualizations and real relationships. I am confused as to why i like such relationships, when i know that i can only love women. I suspect this as a consequence of the initial sexual abuse. I need advice on how to stop liking sexual relation ships with men and get my mind out of men.

Thank you.

[gun2010]

unfortunately i am not in a position to talk to a therapist. thats why i am seeking help online.

[AnnieBrooke]

Are you in a position to talk to a therapist about this?  You may be heterosexual or bisexual, but since forcible sex was your initial (or early) introduction to sexual activity, it certainly makes the issue difficult to sort out.  Presumably despite the repugnant act of abuse, there is a mix of pleasure and pain in the feeling of being a victim, for whatever reason.  A good therapist will help you sort out these complexities.