Avatar universal

Was from an abusive relationship and now with someone new.

Hello there, I got out from a 4 year physically abusive relationship and have not bothered dating or seeing anyone for over a year and four months. My ex used to play mind games with me for about three years... Breakup and getting back together.....He also cheated and beaten me up repetitively whenever I ask him something that's not to his liking. He was controlling and possessive... I was always in fear.

Well, I met someone not too long ago and told him I wasn't interested in love. I was honestly looking for a friend with benefit sorta relationship (didn't wanna get my heart and mind involved again. Fearful of getting hurt).
He kept insisting he wouldn't hurt me and I turned him down repetitively. Eventually, I gave him a chance and now we are dating.
We are dating for three months now and he was deployed elsewhere for a month but we still keep in touch and loyal.

Due to my past relationship, I'm unsure of everything. I'm not sure if he is loyal, honest and will not hurt me physically and emotionally.
I keep wanting to pull out, change my number and run away because I'm just that scared...,!
But I do love him.

He always tells me that he is serious with me and wants me to be with him. (Sometimes I believe him. Sometimes I think he is just saying it for the sake of it)
He treats me well, he makes me smile and he makes me feel important - things I never felt in my four year relationship with my ex.

I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling now. He is a good man but it's like I have this little devil whispering into my ear saying that he will hurt/ play me out like my previous boyfriend.

I'm open to your advice. Please help.
3 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
134578 tn?1642048000
I agree regarding getting therapy if you have not done so since the end of the abusive relationship.  You need to understand what made you willing to get into an abusive relationship in the first place (many women would be outta there at the first hint), and what made you stay so long.  Then you need to unravel the damage done by the guy with whom you stayed so long.  I'd also be working with the therapist about why you were willing to go for a "friends with benefits" relationship at all, those are pretty much about a guy getting laid and a woman getting little emotional connection.  All of that needs to be figured out before you commit to a relationship -- sex is not that important (you can use a "toy" if you are horny), and you're not really ready for love.  Don't go in for sex with some guy, who might just use you, or even be a decent guy and get his heart broken.

The other problem is, you and this new guy got together when you had been away from the bad relationship a while (good) but, unless you had had therapy, were still damaged (bad).  One reason it is bad is that he might be reacting to you because of your lack of interest was intriguing or challenging.  If you had been perfectly emotionally available, would he have been interested?  (In other words, is he a guy with a rescue fantasy?  A friend of mine dated one with that m.o. after her father died, and he was great -- wonderful and sympathetic.  Then when she got happier, he lost interest.  He liked 'em sad and vulnerable.)  Or does he like 'em hard to get? (...and when you are ready to commit, he will get bored that he no longer has the thrill of the chase).

From what you wrote, your emotional status quo at present is not you in a perfect state.  It's more important that you get well from your four years of abuse than it even is that you have a boyfriend now.  Please do seek some counseling.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ditto Londres70

These are YOUR issues.  This is about You, not about Him.  You are holding Him 'responsible' for the behaviors of Your ex.  I too think personal therapy would benefit You.

and I totally agree that "friends with benefits" can only complicate a (any) relationship.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Have you ever sought therapy for your issues?  If not, I am afraid you are going to carry this into other relationships if this isn't resolved properly, i.e. with the help of a professional therapist.

I can't comment on whether this man is decent or not, however, at this point sounds like he hasn't done anything to cause concern.

Does this current bf know about your abusive past?

Perhaps you could just be strictly friends WITHOUT benefits until you sort "you" out?  I wouldn't complicate things with the "friends with benefits" senario.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.