Weird Father Daughter Relationship

Question

I am feeling really strange and unsure of something involving my boyfriend of 2 months. He has a 12 year old daughter who lives with her mother. Things have moved pretty quickly in our relationship including her coming out to visit from out of state. This is a whole new experience for me. I never related when I heard people say they could never date a man with a child. Ive considered myself open to many different things if a deep love is there. Well, she came to visit and everything felt really comfortable and ok and I was happy to notice I wasnt feeling the typical jealousy stuff Id heard of people feeling before. Everything was pretty great until he left with her and his mom for a 4 day trip- I didnt go because I had to work. What weirded me out was that when he left he grabbed some body oil we have and took it with to give her a massage with. At first I tried to understand it and not think to much of it. But then after they left I kept thinking how weird it seemed to me. How she would need to take off her shirt for him to use the oil and shes 12...so shes developing and such. And I felt weird also that he waited til they were away rather than offering her one here at our place. Perhaps it just coinsidance but I kept thinking maybe he would be uncomfortable to do that here and wondered why if it was nothing impure. I hate writing this because hes really a wonderful man in so many ways but I cant help what Ive felt. I dont really feel hes doing anything directly inappropriate with her but I cant say I would want to be involved with a man who has that kind of intimacy with his developing daughter. Even if its innoccent, its really disturbing to me. Another thing I have to admit that makes me uncomfortable is that shes not his biological daughter. He discovered this perhaps when she was 8? I will admit Im fairly cautious of men and their intentions. I was molested by my father between the ages of 4 and 6. I know this plays a part. But I dont want to discount if what Im feeling is validly uncomfortable just because I myself was molested. I really need to hear some input from others...does the shirtless oil massage at age 12 when away seem weird?

lynnePerucca · Answer

I agree with your suspicions and feel this is INAPPROPRIATE, Period. A normal father or stepfather does not massage his 12 years old daughter with oil. I am one of 5 daughters, also a step mother of daughters.  RED FLAG ON FIRE!

RockRose · Answer

Sorry if I misunderstood earlier.  

I think it's odd too.  And it's really exceptionally weird to say he's giving her an oily massage while she's wearing an undershirt.

That doesn't even make sense - she takes off her outer shirt,  but she's still wearing her undershirt, and he squirts oil all over it?  

An unplanned massage,  on a couch in a public room fully clothed I think it totally and completely normal.  It's the kind of closeness that a lot of parents have.

It's the planning of it,  and taking oil for it,  and then saying she's actually wearing an undershirt while she gets an oily massage that seems very odd to me.

angelgrace77 · Answer

I felt a niggling discomfort too when my fiance said he gave his 14 y/o daughter a back massage, starting from her legs, all the way up her butt and hips and upper back because she urged him not to stop.  It seems it is one of their usual touchy feely episodes, including her habit of slipping into his bed.  I've read some articles by other medical professionals and therapists saying that boundaries should be set at around age 3-6 .. apparently of course, many people are not aware of this supposedly setting boundaries at that particular age.

HappyPeacefulFree · Answer

Whoa.. Ok, please understand its not a hoax. I know about the oil becuase as he was walking out the door he said hes grabbing the oil to give her a massage. It struck me as strange but honest to God it didnt really set in until a bit later after they left..all that would entail. An hr or so after they left I sent some seriously upset texts to him about this- mentioning that obviously she would need to be shirtless in order to give the massage, etc. He replied very casually saying theyve been doing that for years. She wears her undershirt, etc. Id say Im pretty good at reading him and that this might be a case of someone not understanding that his child is reaching a new stage of developement. We spoke a great deal and he came to a really clear understanding as to why it would seem innappropriate and that maybe shes too old for that kind of intimacy now. I feel a lot more clarity about it. Thank y ou all so much for your input.

RainLover71 · Answer

This is abuse and he needs to seek professional mental help.This is not normal behaviour and you need to step in and report this if you have genuine proof that this is exactly what took place.If it is true it's terrible.

el_em_en_oh · Answer

I'm with RockRose on this one...

RockRose · Answer

I'm just going to be honest here,  your post raises a lot of red flags for me,  as far as being a hoax.  I'm pretty good at spotting hoaxes.

But,  it's not fair to discount what you're saying just by a weird feeling.  And it's important not to ignore possible child abuse.  

So.  What gave you the idea he was taking the massage oil to give his girl a "shirtless massage".  When you said hey why are you taking our massage oil,  did he say "so I can give my 12 year old a shirtless massage".  

I struggle to believe that.  But it might be true.  And if it is actually true,  this would merit  a call to her mother.

lucknlove1989 · Answer

yes...it sounds extremely inappropriate. As far as it not being his biological daughter, I must say that worries me also. Hypothetically  speaking, If he has touched her or done anything in an inappropriate manner then I would think you could sense something when you are around them together. Also it is not uncommon for a man to take advantage especially knowing it is not their own flesh and blood because they would not feel such a strong sense of betrayal.