What am i doing wrong?

[itssupposedtobubble]

I have been in a relationship for 7 1/2 years now... for the first few years we had sex almost every day and then it slowly died down to almost never. I know that things don't stay exciting forever but i feel like porn is almost entirely to blame. I used to catch him by looking at the browser history but now he has figured out how to delete it, and our sex life has gotten even worse. He looks at porn every chance he gets, almost every time i leave the house. Sometimes i get up in the middle of the night, or come back home after 5 minutes just to see what he's doing and it never fails... he's looking at porn. it makes me feel so terrible about myself. I've got him to admit in the past that he had a problem, but now he refuses to discuss it with me. I've wrote him notes and everything to try and get a response, telling him how bad this makes me feel. I've always been a big girl but since he stopped touching me, i have lost 40 pounds and look better than i ever did. I am a very sexual person and this just breaks my heart. I have to tried EVERYTHING to spice up our love life, but he would rather look at porn every time... and when i do get him in the bedroom.... he can't make it happen if you know what i mean. I'm just really upset about all this and haven't had any action in months. He says all i care about is sex but we only have sex every few months now and it drives me crazy!!! I feel like i might end up cheating soon or something. What am i doing wrong? what should i do? Should i leave someone who says they love me, just because of a porn addiction?

[Londres70]

Well, if he is not willing to talk about it, then there is no problem according to him.  You also did state he had a problem in the past.  These are "red flags" unfortunately.  Plus, you are on the verge of cheating.

I would consider leaving; this situation sounds too unhealthy.  Thank goodness you all aren't married and I would NOT recommend getting married either.  

Find someone who works in your scheme of things because this one doesn't.  

Best of luck.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I'm all for self reflection but think the way you titled this question doesn't fit.  Asking what you are doing wrong here makes me wonder if you blame yourself for your boyfriend's porn obsession.  That is HIS problem and not yours.

I will ask you the general question of how is everything else in your relationship.  What has you sticking around?  How is the intimacy on the emotional side of things?  Does he hide other things from you?  Do you feel close?  

I ask this because my gut instinct is to tell you to move on from this relationship.  Here is why---------  he does seem to have an issue with porn.  You don't say you can't stand it, it bothers you, etc.----- you say he looks at it every chance he gets and will lie to you about it.  He may be doing it to the point of not being able to have 'normal' physical relationships.  Double ugh on this.  That does not make for a good long term partner.  Then you also mention how you would like to have a sex life with the man you are living with.  I agree.  You should.  He is not wanting this with you or unable.  Either one, this is also not good for a long term partner.

So, if you are interested in a relationship with a healthy sex life then I would say this one is not going to be it.  

So, you can tell him how you feel and ask him to attend therapy with you and on his own.  He'd have to be open to the idea that he has an issue which many are resistent to.  Until he acknowledges this-------------  you are really stuck.  And because someone that has this kind of problem has a difficult time overcoming it----------  I'd say moving on to find a partner that you can have a true romantic relationship with would be best.  But if you are unwilling to do this, try counseling to get on the same page about what you both want in this union.

good luck and I know this is really really hard.  Peace.