What do I do about my boyfriends 'helicopter' mother?

[kaleymb]

I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost five years now. We have been dating since freshman year in high school and now Im beginning my second year of college and he just graduated the Fire Academy. His mother has always been SUPER involved in everything he does. She basically micromanages his life. Back when we were in high school, he didn't get a good grade on his test, and she told him he needed to go talk to his teacher the next day to get it fixed. Well, he was a boy, forgot or decided he would just try to make it up with the retest or other assignments. She then showed up at the school the next day, went to the classroom and stayed in the classroom during the period he had that class, to make sure he talked to the teacher and did what he needed to get done. HOW EMBARRASSING. Now that we are getting older, and in the college age, we expect a typical parent to begin to let go, and start to let us do our adult things, such as being independent, wanting to get a job on our own, and begin to start to build our lives. Well. Of course she doesn't let him do these things!! My boyfriend start the fire academy 2 years after graduating high school. He hadn't figured out what job type he wanted to do before, as he had trying EMT and it wasn't for him, so they he decided the fire route. Of course, these first two years were putting a strain on his family life and our relationship, as he was kind of in limbo, not really sure what to do with his life. I was worried because I like a guy with a plan and who knows how they want their life and has some goals. His family didn't like him being home all the time and not doing anything while everyone else went to work, had a life and priorities. So, once he decided to go to the fire academy this was a good step for everyone. The process of getting into the fire school was absolute madness. Each day she had everything printed out, would even fill out applications FOR him to get into these schools, would check his emails each day (she has all his emails and passwords to everything and constantly checks them for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING). He finally got into a really good program, and moved two hours away. The first week he was there, having to wake up at 5am to get to school and do things all on his own was good for him, however not good for her. He happened to leave his phone at home one morning, and went to class and she called him 16 times leaving voicemails and text messages making sure he was going to class and awake. he came home for the lunch break, and found this madness. Called her back told her he went to class and she began yelling saying "dont lie to me, i know you didnt go to class your tracker said you were at the apartment and never left!!" He continuously tried to tell her he had gone but she didnt believe him. Things slowly began to get better as i told him to only call her when you need her, keep conversations short and sweet or she will dig too far in and try to start micromanaging your time. She would call and make sure he wasnt watching tv and only studying or if he was eating she would tell him to study right after.  3 months later, he is graduated and had to come live back at home, as he had to look for a fire job around the state. She began immediately printin out and finding jobs all over the state. Filling out most of those for him and sending them in. She would then tell him, "you have to go to so and so city on april 6th" and start planning it out for him. She even makes him fill out a his weekly calendar so she can see it to make sure he volunteers at the fire station 3 times a week- mostly so she can know his schedule, check the tracker and to make sure he is where he is supposed to be. I dont know what to do. It bothers me that she wont give him the space to try and get this job on his own. Its a big step in his life, a real career and she's trying to do it all for him. He tells her to back off, she gets her feelings hurt and he feels bad, then he tries to let her in a little and she barges in stomps on everything and hops in the drivers seat. It had gotten to the point where i was so upset that she was doing everything all the time, and every time i would come over she would yell at him not because i was there but because he hadn't filled out the 14, 7 page applications she printed for him that morning and done them all for her to send in that night. I don't know. I have a feeling if she hasn't backed off now, and he is almost 21, then she never will and it may affect our married life down the road. If he cant get a career without her forcefully doing everything for him so she knows everything that is going on 24/7 then i don't know how things are going to work out. I see in the future it being our wedding, and she taking over and trying to be the wedding planner, when i have already had everything planned out for a long time. I see her showing up unannounced at our house to try and take the grandkids or come over when its not a good time. She already gets bent that were not always planning to hang out with their side of the family and thinks i'm going to take my bf away. and she feels this way whether we are spending time with my family or just having plans for the two of us. I feel like she means well, and maybe she just is a control freak, but i don't want her trying to micromanage my life too. my parents have let me be independent, as i usually have been and i don't want to get swept under her wing. What should I do? I have contemplated talking when things were getting really bad and to her and telling her she is affecting our relationship, but i don't feel like that is really my place to do that... If yall have any suggestions on what i should do, or you have had some of the same experiences please share. I have talked to friends and my family. They all think she is too controlling and just say to wait it out. Things will get better when you move out or move in together and start your own lives, but what if she wont let go..??

[Barb135]

As one who has dealt with an interfering, domineering mother-in-law for almost 50 years, I'd advise you to think very carefully about entering into a lifelong relationship with this man.  

My husband didn't need his mother to tell him what jobs to apply for, what time to get up, when to study, etc because he's always been a self-starter, but she definitely took it upon herself to try to run our lives in many other ways.  This included telling us/me how to/not to raise our children, run the household, our business,  spend our money, etc.

The woman is 94 yrs old, with dementia so she's no longer able to interfere or cause trouble, but she if she were capable, I've no doubt whe would still be doing the same things.

If your boyfriend is not willing/able to remove himself from his mother's grasp at this point in his life, there's a chance he may never do it, so be sure he's really the one you want to spend your life with. If so, do you want to marry his mother, as well?  

It's a tough call though, because putting yourself between a man and his mother doesn't work well, either - trust me, I know.  Unless you're planning to get married soon, perhaps you could talk to him about it without being confrontational or making a huge issue of it, then once he knows how you feel, try distancing yourself for a while and see if he makes an effort to get out from under Mom's thumb.  If not, it would be decision time.   I mean, seriously, at his age, he shouldn't need mom to be watching his location tracker to see where he is... and if he can't get to work without her telling him to, is he going to be the husband you want or the father you want for your children?

[specialmom]

You know, I think you have to see the second half of the problem, your boyfriend.  If HE has not set boundaries and doesn't want to and does so just to appease you, . . . rethink the relationship.

I have a son going into high school though and a nephew in college who still texts his mom every day and involves her in a lot of things.  My sister isn't a helicopter parent nor is my nephew a mama's boy.  But she IS involved and probably always will be.  A new girlfriend/wife of my nephew may find that intrusive but that's the way they are.  

My mother in law showed up unannounced and at the time, I was so bothered by it. She wanted to see the grandkids and visit with me.  She's dead now and I tell you . . .  I miss someone that interested in us.  

It's hard to see the big picture at your age.

But clearly, you are bothered by her and she isn't going anywhere and even if she does, this is a life long issue of your boyfriend trying to balance mother and girlfriend/wife keeping both happy with both possibly not all that happy with each other.  If you think he will set boundaries and such, then maybe this can work.  But honestly, You already sound unhappy with your future as a part of his family.  

I do believe a man should put his wife first. But I also believe in trying to compromise and being a peaceful extended family.  Open hearts, open minds.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

You've done a clear job of describing the issue. Often when we hear about a mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law type of conflict, the person describing the issue gives an angry account that sounds biased, your specifics make it clear she is doing way more than a mom usually does for/with an adult child.

However, unfortunately, this is what your boyfriend is used to, and to some extent, is who he is, by now. He is a bit passive and accepting of this kind of energy from her (and probably is from you as well, he's been trained long enough to accept that kind of thing from women). Even if it bothers him, it has been ever thus, as the saying goes.

In other words, I assume this is the way she has been his whole life. By now, probably even if he thinks it would be nice to have all of that manic energy his mom is directing towards running his life channeled somewhere else, he is going to be very hard-pressed to be able to bring himself to say so to her.

For one thing, it's all she's got going on to engage her attention, and he knows taking it away from her will hurt her feelings and make her feel lost (and she might blame you also). She probably doesn't have much else going on, and it makes her feel superior to help poor him. For another, when a kid grows up not having to ever take the initiative for himself, he is bound to be not very good at it when he does try. It's like an unused muscle. He might be concerned that he isn't going to be able to do such things, he might feel like he is somewhat worthless (and why wouldn't he grow up thinking so, if he supposedly needed his mom's constant guidance and attention just to keep moving.)

My cousin's mom was like that, and not only did my cousin wind up not knowing how to manage her own life when she grew up, but she was surprised when we all told her (when she was 30) that her mom had no right to try to run her life. She basically was so used to being run over by her mother that it hadn't occurred to her that her mom was in the wrong to be so dominant. I don't think her mom really thought her daughter was inept, she was just an energetic fireball that felt just enough superior to her kids that she kept running their lives. (ps -- None of the kids ever amounted to much of a professional success, and they all moved far, far away from their relentlessly energetic mother.)

I guess you could play this two ways. One is that you could be sweet and gentle, as passive as your boyfriend, and occasionally suggest to him that she should not be like this. This would be a waiting game. (Waiting for him to decide he didn't like his mother's management enough to tell her so.) At least if you do this, if he does finally have a discussion with his mom trying to break away, she will not blame you and your evil influence.

The other thing you could do is look at how much you want this boyfriend. This is likely not going to go away for a long time, probably not until the mother does. (I am here to tell you that my domineering-father-in-law problem did not go away until he died. Christmases were the worst.) If you can see the writing on the wall this clearly now, do you really want to wind up having control fights over the wedding, the grandchildren, your husband? All the time?

A middle ground might be to end it with the boyfriend, saying clearly that until he decides to and succeeds at getting his mom to stop running his life, you do not want to be in it. This would make it clear you don't intend to hang in there and have control fights with the boyfriend in the middle, you will just see him only if he breaks free.

He is going to have work to do if he does break away from mom, he'll have to learn to manage his own life. But it's probably time for that. I just would try to step back so it doesn't devolve to you pulling on him from one side and her from the other. He doesn't sound like enough of a prize to be worth getting into that undignified position.