Aa
A
A
A
Close
Relationships Community
6.36k Members
Avatar universal

What do you think about this?

I have a MAC computer and it was unable to open my tax organizer online.  After about two weeks of me bothering my husband to bring his work laptop home so I could do the taxes he finally did.  So I got on his computer, went online and finished my tax organizer.  Then I clicked on "History" and it was erased.  Then I went and looked at the "Cookies" and you guessed it was erased.  He's away on a business trip and when I texted him asking why everything was erased, he turned it on me "Well why were you snooping?", "I was just cleaning up", "Why'd you look?", "Why are you doing this?"  you get the idea.  

Okay now for a little background about why I was snooping.  Last time my husband was searching online, I was really tired and not feeling well, he wanted to stay up drinking, so while I was sleeping on the couch, he got pretty drunk on Jack Daniels.  The next morning, I went and looked at the history and saw, "Free Local Sex" and sites like that.  He was really drunk and claimed he didn't know what he was doing.  

Our history:  I'm 37, he's 51.  We've been married 12 years and have 4 kids.  He's a wonderful provider and  I stay home and take car of the kids.  We have sex everyday and are very affectionate towards each other.  I cook for him every night and make sure he has a lunch for work, he tells me how much he appreciates my efforts.   He hasn't changed his appearance or bought new clothes.  We rarely have a fight.  He's always telling me we'll be together forever.  He tells me he loves me every time I talk to him.  He calls me throughout his work day.  He's active with the kids.  He never goes out drinking with his buddies unless I'm there.

He knows I don't like him looking at internet porn, because I feel it can lead to other things.  I'm not sure what to make of his behavior, any insight would be appreciated.  

Thanks in advance.
20 Responses
Avatar universal
in my opinion, let it go. he apparently is only guilty of getting drunk and looking up a porn site. he didnt follow through did he? i think all men at one time or another look up porn. its their nature to be interested in pics of hot sexy women. it doesnt mean they are unsatisfied or unhappy. my dh had been knows to peek as well. it sounds like you two have a great marriage and family. and if you put too much into this erased history and keep wondering and questioning him, that trust that you have shared could be disrupted. unless you find him sneaking around, finding free local sex (i mean like hookers not pics on a computer) then remember he loves you.
Avatar universal
He wouldn't be so defensive if he didn't have something to hide. It would disturb me if my guy was looking up free local sex, even if he was drunk and not serious about it. People do things for a reason, and the fact that he looked it up means that it was on his mind. I think your suspicions were correct - your husband was looking up porn. It always surprises me how women can be so naive and about men. Males are not monogamous creatures. That doesn't mean they CAN'T be, but it's not in their nature. Most sneak a look at porn, most check out other women (some more discreetly than others)  - I even saw my dad of all people looking at a sexy magazine at an airport terminal. He is the biggest family man there is. If you were more supportive and open about it, he wouldn't need to hide it. I personally don't have a problem with porn. My last SO looked at it when he wasn't able to be with me. I don't see it as a problem as long as there is a healthy sexual relationship. It can even aid in a healthy sex life. I would have a problem with a man using it as a substitute.

I hope for your sake that all he is doing is looking up porn. If my man was looking up local sex on the internet, drunk or not, oh man... let's just say he'd have to get that free local sex, because I wouldn't be giving him any.
Avatar universal
If it bothers you that he was looking at porn, there is nothing wrong with that.  I disagree that it is okay and expected of men to look at porn, because there is something wrong with it.  If this is something that is unacceptable to you, then you should bring it up.  You'll always wonder and I think it will remain in the back of your mind, and I agree that acting defensive does make it seem like he has something to hide.  The main question is does it bother you that he is looking at porn- regardless of how your relationship is- not whether he was hiding it.  If it does bother you, talk honestly about it with him without attacking and see if he opens up.  Personally, if I found my DH looking at porn, I would be very upset and he would know that ahead of time because I have expressed my views on it.  You should do the same if it bothers you.
Avatar universal
Porn is fantasy & lets face it fantasy is much hotter than reality.  Hell I have viewed porn sites & i'm a woman.  My boyfriend looks at sites & watches porn.  IWhen he's gone I'll even watch it myself.  If the only thing he's doing is looking than I don't see a problem.  We need some kind of spice when things are becoming routine.  It keeps it exciting.
Avatar universal
One other thing I would add to this thread...If he has to hide it, then he feels guilty about it. And, while normally it won't lead to more, some do. Usually it leads to chatting and/or offline meetings, strip clubs, etc. and men who view porn are more likely (statistically) to become more insensitive towards women and more demanding and it can end up (in the worst cast scenarios) with abuse. And, porn is addictive--the more they get of it, the more they need to satisfy the desire. The bottom line is, if anyone does anything in a relationship that makes the other person uncomfortable, it is a problem that has to be addressed and worked through.
Avatar universal
i think women who are so worried about porn are very insecure. i mean what do you think they are going to run off with this gal??? the local sex being sex not porn is a different story. then drunk or not drunk if he was wanting a good hook up sure id be pissed off too. does he have a laptop he takes out of town with him or is there one in his hotel room he can access? does he drink while he is out of town? then maybe you should worry. but a man looking at a hustler or watching a movie should not be worrysome. not unless you dont fulfill his needs. heck any of you women who preach "MY MAN BETTER NOT LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN" have you never seen a pic or movie with a hot actor and NEVER EVER said oh ya!! please haha. anyway you do what you want. you came to a forum with a ;question not our opinon on how we feel about porn. i still say unless you have reason to suspect, let it go.
Avatar universal
Thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate it.  

I talked to him last night and he said he was just trying to hid the fact that he'd been looking at porn sites.  He said he didn't want to get busted.  He then told me to look up his "favorites" and in the file called "Media", those were the sites he goes to.  So he came clean, I still am suspicious of him erasing all his history.  Like a previous poster suggested, I think I'll let it go.

About the porn.  In my teens, twenties, and early thirties,  I had no problem with it, we even had a porn channel on the satellite.  I started to hate it about 3-4 years ago.  I don't really mind him looking at it at work but if he'd rather spend time looking at it at home instead of being with me or the kids, I have a HUGE problem with it.  I'm not insecure, it's the opposite, I'm very secure in that I can tell him I don't like it and won't have it at home.

Thanks all and if anyone else wants to comment, I'd appreciate it.
Avatar universal
Hi,     just speaking from someone who's s/o is retardedly into internet porn.  Sometimes when searching or viewing a porn site, ads pop up for things like local sex and blah blah blah.  Adult friend finder does this for sure.  Your husband may have visited the web site you referred to but sometimes they do just pop up and it will show in history.  And just a helpful hint from a fellow "snooper,"  regardless of whether he deletes his history or not, you can search your own computer for websites visited either searching by putting a term in the search engine such as "porno" or "sex."  The web sites visited will be displayed.  Or you can browse a timeline (my personal favorite).  Type in "www.google.com" and the option to choose desktop should be there.  From there either "browse timeline" or enter a search term.  
          
Avatar universal
While I don't see the need to get into a big debate over everyone's opinion over porn, I just want to say was all I did was post MY opinion to our poster.  I am not insecure, I just have a very firm opinion on porn and it makes me sick that our society sees it as being perfectly okay- because it's not.  It's not real.  If you want to know more about my opinion and why I think that, feel free to investigate www.xxxchurch.com- they are something I personally support and agree with.  There is no need to attack people who think porn is bad because we can agree to disagree, and I know I like it when I post and get a variety of opinions.  That's what this forum is about.  
Avatar universal
I have a MAC - there are no pop ups so he did search for "free local sex".  :-(
177641 tn?1189759437
Butterme, your situation reminds me of that saying... curiousity killed the cat.

There is so much temptation available on the net at your fingertips these days. Flashy ads on the sides of those websites can be so easy to click on. He might not have even started looking for "free local sex" until the idea was presented to him - just to see what was out there.

Not everyone feels this way I'm sure, but I'm pretty accepting of people's promiscuous minds. Push come to shove, we get bored and imagine how greener the grass would be on the other side. But it doesn't mean that we don't love and desire our partners. Since he was upfront and came clean, I wouldn't be quite so worried. It sounds like you may be feeling somewhat rejected/unattractive by the idea - maybe talk to him about that. Since you've made it clear that you already don't approve of porn sites, he's probably become fairly reluctant to admit all these things to you. I'm sure if I were in his shoes I'd probably censor my confession KNOWING how much it would hurt my partner (whether that's right or wrong, who's to say?)

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel the way you do - just trying to give some alternative perspective.
Avatar universal
to be fair i looked up your site. and while i only read how they place their booth inside the porn conventions and they dont judge, im wondering how you say you agree with them when judging is what you did? you are free to your opinion. but i am too. there are all types of people on this planet, and some are uptight and some are more open. whichever one you are works for you.
Avatar universal
There sure are a lot of you it seems who like to say that others judge while you do the same thing- we all do... Either way, no matter what you think of me or that website or my opinion, I will stick by it and continue to voice that opinion as others post about the same thing.  
Avatar universal
and that you should do. we all judge, its human. :) if i tried to claim perfection id be struck down by lightning. im not fighting with you, just having a convo.
Avatar universal
I guess it was the comments of being uptight or insecure that made me feel like I or my opinion was under attack.  I am glad that we got that cleared up!
Avatar universal
I think both sides of the porn equation have been hit in this thread. My opinions on porn are listed elsewhere on this forum, so I won't reiterate here.

What I will say is that another concern swirling around here is why you were snooping on your husband's computer? What compelled you to do that? If you are loaned a computer to do TurboTax or search findlaw or do whatever it is you need to do, you do that task, and you don't start clicking on that person's other files or documents.  That comes under the category of "respecting another's privacy."  I don't care if he is your husband. It was his computer, and he is entitled to maintain his privacy on that computer.

You also said in the last 3-4 years porn has started to bother you. Why is that? What has occurred in the past 3 or 4 years that caused this? Can you pinpoint the issue?  Was there some other trust issue that came up for you in your marriage?

It's a good thing that the porn issue is out in the open in this marriage. Your husband, by deleting his history, clearly realized it could be a problem for you and wasn't comfortable with it being on there. But you didn't have  the right to go surfing around in his files, either. I gotta hand it to the guy - he hit the ball out of the park in his judgment of the situation - he clearly realized you might go snooping around, and he deleted his files.

He's going to need some reassurance that you won't violate his privacy. That's clear. That's how I'd be feeling if I were him.

That's the big issue here. Not the porn.
164559 tn?1233711618
And I certainly wouldn't want to encourage him to look at porn at work.  As an employer I would discipline any employee wasting my time by looking at porn.
Avatar universal
barn babe - The reason I was looking at his history is because in the past, when he was drunk he was looking for "Free Local Sex", on our home computer.  So since then I'm wondering if anything is going on, so of course I'm going to look, there's no way I couldn't look.  Obviously he knew that too.

anxiousmomtobe - My DH is the BOSS!  I guess that's why he feels free to look at it.
148691 tn?1260198503
maybe this has nothing to do with the whole thing....

but....it really caught my attention that you said you have sex with your dh EVERY DAY???!!!! and he is in his 50's??????

*standing ovation to that*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now THAT's some serious testosterone!!! lol....

i am a latina, and, let me tell you, we, for the most part like 'horny' men......;), and if my 'gringo', by that age....acts like that???!!! then i declare myself happy for life!!!!

lol


Avatar universal
50's and still hittin you every night??? what the hell are you complainin about?! If he has the stamina still he aint hittin nobody else...unless he's drinking redbull...LoL Watching all that porn gives him a reason to come home and **** his wife!

But I watch porn to learn sometimes... **** just cuz i like porn gosh! Why can't the man still have a fantasy! now...the local sex ****...that's a problem! aint no way in hell im searchin to **** someone off the net! But he was "cleaning up" his laptop before he brought it home huh....FREAK! he probablt had too much "bigtits4u.com" and "buttsgalore.com" to delete one by one and just said **** it and deleted the whole history LoL
Have an Answer?
Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327197724
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398568723
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Here’s how your baby’s growing in your body each week.
These common ADD/ADHD myths could already be hurting your child
This article will tell you more about strength training at home, giving you some options that require little to no equipment.