Aa
What is going on?
I love my husband so much and he has so many qualities that I have always wanted in a spouse. Though in the last week or so, everything he does irritates me. The way he talks bugs me, the way he mispronounces words bugs me, the way he eats bugs me, the way he cleans our place bugs me, and so on. I've been so frustrated with him lately and I don't know why. I don't know if I'm pmsing, if I'm just tired, or what it is. Though even when I slept well on the weekend, he still bothered me and I wanted time away from him. When I get that small amount of time away, I miss him like crazy and want to be with him. Though when I am spending time with him, he gets on my nerves. Am I going crazy? Because I sort of feel like it.
mommytobe, I think you need to read through your last post over and over, slowly. Read through what you've said to all of us.
Figure out your feelings about this marriage before you get pregnant.
If you can't reconcile your feelings of irritation for him, stop trying to conceive.
Figure out your feelings about this marriage before you get pregnant.
If you can't reconcile your feelings of irritation for him, stop trying to conceive.
I know we don't have the greatest communication, but it can be difficult to communicate with someone who doesn't always listen. I brought that up when I saw him earlier today and we talked through a lot of what I was so angry about. I try a lot to do many little things for him, like meeting him for lunch, writing random notes to him, and others. He used to do a lot of that for me, but it has stopped. He said he recognized that today. I came home to roses on the kitchen table, as part of his sorry for treating me the way he has. I really hope things change and get better, but I'm not totally sure it will. I'll look into getting that book. thank you.
I've wanted to be a mom for a long time and it's frustrating and disappointing in that I feel like it's never going to happen. I know children are a lot of work, I see so many of my friends starting their families and have young children. I can see what my future may look like, if I can ever get pregnant. I may just stop trying if it doesn't happen this month, though I'm hoping my period does not show next week.
My childhood was great. My mother was a stay-at-home mom and we did a lot of activities, play dates, family vacations, and so on. I had thought my parent's marriage was great growing up, but I think they just hid everything really well. As a teen, my parents bickered a lot. They'd argue about everything and I would just go to my room and listen to music to drown out the noise. I had promised myself, I would not be in a relationship like theirs. I purposely found a man who never raises his voice and would never talk down to me. He's also open minded, which I want in a husband.
I don't know if he will go to marriage counseling with me, but I will talk to him about it later tonight. He used to talk about how he doesn't like psychology and all of that, so I'll see how it goes.
I've wanted to be a mom for a long time and it's frustrating and disappointing in that I feel like it's never going to happen. I know children are a lot of work, I see so many of my friends starting their families and have young children. I can see what my future may look like, if I can ever get pregnant. I may just stop trying if it doesn't happen this month, though I'm hoping my period does not show next week.
My childhood was great. My mother was a stay-at-home mom and we did a lot of activities, play dates, family vacations, and so on. I had thought my parent's marriage was great growing up, but I think they just hid everything really well. As a teen, my parents bickered a lot. They'd argue about everything and I would just go to my room and listen to music to drown out the noise. I had promised myself, I would not be in a relationship like theirs. I purposely found a man who never raises his voice and would never talk down to me. He's also open minded, which I want in a husband.
I don't know if he will go to marriage counseling with me, but I will talk to him about it later tonight. He used to talk about how he doesn't like psychology and all of that, so I'll see how it goes.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. First, don't go crazy thinking because he is annoying you right now that it means your marriage is over or even in significant trouble. I think this does happen. It has happened to me. When I am deep down angry at my husband and we havent' resolved things yet or I haven't worked through the problem--------- I get a bit of coldness regarding my husband and every little thing about him bugs me. Then things get worked out and I go back to adoring him. So, please do not think that these feelings means you don't love your husband.
And . . .guess what? I too was pretty mad at my husband a few years ago when we had "started trying" and I realized that it was really me trying and him pretending to try as he was content for it to not happen for a while longer. It is difficult to deal with that kind of disappointment when we want something really bad and it isn't happening. And when our spouse acts nonchalant about it------- it boils our blood.
I also hear what he is saying. Hon, he senses that he can not please you. This is either true or the vibe that you send out to him. To just say it isn't so is not fair-------- it is how HE feels. So this is something for you to work on.
I would really recommend that you two start some marriage counseling. I think you both have some resentment for the other and you don't want that to grow and fester. Learning how to communicate is really key in a marriage. And I think this is important to do before a child arrives because a baby changes everything. You'll have less time for one another then and you'll both be tired and cranky at times. It's great, don't get me wrong------ but it is an added stress factor at times on a couple. So counseling now is ideal.
Rockrose asked you a question. I think it is a good one --------- what was your childhood like? What was your parent's marriage like?
And . . .guess what? I too was pretty mad at my husband a few years ago when we had "started trying" and I realized that it was really me trying and him pretending to try as he was content for it to not happen for a while longer. It is difficult to deal with that kind of disappointment when we want something really bad and it isn't happening. And when our spouse acts nonchalant about it------- it boils our blood.
I also hear what he is saying. Hon, he senses that he can not please you. This is either true or the vibe that you send out to him. To just say it isn't so is not fair-------- it is how HE feels. So this is something for you to work on.
I would really recommend that you two start some marriage counseling. I think you both have some resentment for the other and you don't want that to grow and fester. Learning how to communicate is really key in a marriage. And I think this is important to do before a child arrives because a baby changes everything. You'll have less time for one another then and you'll both be tired and cranky at times. It's great, don't get me wrong------ but it is an added stress factor at times on a couple. So counseling now is ideal.
Rockrose asked you a question. I think it is a good one --------- what was your childhood like? What was your parent's marriage like?
I agre 100% with Brice.
Now is the time to buckle down and work through the problems - now is when the "or for worse" of the marriage vows begins. I might, if you don't mind me suggesting, step back from trying to have a baby right now...for two reasons. 1, it seems to be putting a strain on your relationship because it creates something else to mis-communicate about, and 2....honestly, if you guys are having trouble now, life is going to get 10 times harder when you have a baby. I have 2 kids, one is 2 1/2 and the other is 8 1/2 months, and let me tell you - average times like this make our worst times pre-kids seem like a breeze. It's not that having kids makes your life BAD, it just complicates it in so many ways. You need to have a rock solid relationship before you have a child or you have a good chance of being washed overboard, if you know what I mean.
But truthfully, I really couldn't agree more with Brice. it sounds to me like you guys have a serious lack of communication at best, and mis-communication at worst. I really think you need to set aside 20-30 minutes every single day and just talk...about your relationship, about your jobs, your life, your dreams, whatever...as long as you're focusing on the two of you individually and together, and not things like tv, or weather, or sports...do you know what I mean?
If you both want to make it work, you can. marriages fail with one or both of the partners decide they're done trying.....and you may have to try and try and keep trying for a long time before things iron out, but as long as you are continuing to try, things will continue to get better.
good luck!
Now is the time to buckle down and work through the problems - now is when the "or for worse" of the marriage vows begins. I might, if you don't mind me suggesting, step back from trying to have a baby right now...for two reasons. 1, it seems to be putting a strain on your relationship because it creates something else to mis-communicate about, and 2....honestly, if you guys are having trouble now, life is going to get 10 times harder when you have a baby. I have 2 kids, one is 2 1/2 and the other is 8 1/2 months, and let me tell you - average times like this make our worst times pre-kids seem like a breeze. It's not that having kids makes your life BAD, it just complicates it in so many ways. You need to have a rock solid relationship before you have a child or you have a good chance of being washed overboard, if you know what I mean.
But truthfully, I really couldn't agree more with Brice. it sounds to me like you guys have a serious lack of communication at best, and mis-communication at worst. I really think you need to set aside 20-30 minutes every single day and just talk...about your relationship, about your jobs, your life, your dreams, whatever...as long as you're focusing on the two of you individually and together, and not things like tv, or weather, or sports...do you know what I mean?
If you both want to make it work, you can. marriages fail with one or both of the partners decide they're done trying.....and you may have to try and try and keep trying for a long time before things iron out, but as long as you are continuing to try, things will continue to get better.
good luck!
There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages". Pick up a copy and the both of should read it. What I am hearing, I believe, is a lack of communication and this book addresses it. I'll try to explain this a bit better.
You mention "he does not seem fazed by it all and "I" feel like he doesn't care". I is the operative word here. Have you actually asked him how he feels? Perhaps him being rather calm is his way of dealing with it, or he is trying to remain calm for you, to help you remain calm. How much help would he be if he was out of his mind crazy right now?
With the cell phone thing, I'd let that drop. You want his undivided attention and that's understandable. But you need to communicate that with him. Let him know that you are stressed out and need a lot of attention right now.... and remind him that you need this.
Later you said that he thinks "he doesn't get recognized for the little things he does". It sounds like to me, he wants you to do those little things he does.
I'm butchering this.... please get the book and take a good look at it. It's pretty short and I read it in an afternoon. It helped big time by allowing me to see what I am looking for and what my wife was looking for.
You mention "he does not seem fazed by it all and "I" feel like he doesn't care". I is the operative word here. Have you actually asked him how he feels? Perhaps him being rather calm is his way of dealing with it, or he is trying to remain calm for you, to help you remain calm. How much help would he be if he was out of his mind crazy right now?
With the cell phone thing, I'd let that drop. You want his undivided attention and that's understandable. But you need to communicate that with him. Let him know that you are stressed out and need a lot of attention right now.... and remind him that you need this.
Later you said that he thinks "he doesn't get recognized for the little things he does". It sounds like to me, he wants you to do those little things he does.
I'm butchering this.... please get the book and take a good look at it. It's pretty short and I read it in an afternoon. It helped big time by allowing me to see what I am looking for and what my wife was looking for.
We have been trying for a baby for some months now with no luck. He does not seem fazed by it at all and I feel like he doesn't care. We were at lunch yesterday, after I drove down to his work to have lunch with him and during lunch he starts playing around with his phone and not really listening to me. Then asks me what I said again because he wasn't listening. That just made me more angry. He said he doesn't get recognition for what he does, so he just stopped doing little things for me. That made me more angry, because you can't always get recognized for all you do. I rarely get recognized for what I do for him, yet I keep doing it. This is not the man I knew before and I don't know what is going on. I'm so frustrated with him and don't even want to see him at times. I don't really know what the root of the problem is, but that's part of it with what I said above. I don't want to throw in the towel because I never want to be another divorce statistic. I intend to keep my vows, but I'm not happy right now.
All of the ladies above are wise beyond their years. (Whatever those years may be.) I think all of them have provided you with some important things to look at and I can only suggest one thing. Ashelen almost touched on it..... communication! Communication is key.
I found this out at a very important time in my marriage, and it may have saved my marriage. Sit and think about what it is that is truly bothering you. If it is you, you can address that either by yourself or with the help of a therapist. If it is him, you can talk to him about it, without pulling any punches and address it together with a therapist.
Another thing to focus on, is when things are good... realize all of the good and hold on to those thoughts. You married the guy for a reason, think of that... realize that. And really, we can really only control what is happening right now, and what we are doing. WE cnnot control another person, but if the problem is his... you can politely tell him what the problem is and work with him on that problem.
You've got plenty of hope left, and it doesn't even sound like you are close to throwing in the towel. Remember that too..... I hope some of this helps!
I found this out at a very important time in my marriage, and it may have saved my marriage. Sit and think about what it is that is truly bothering you. If it is you, you can address that either by yourself or with the help of a therapist. If it is him, you can talk to him about it, without pulling any punches and address it together with a therapist.
Another thing to focus on, is when things are good... realize all of the good and hold on to those thoughts. You married the guy for a reason, think of that... realize that. And really, we can really only control what is happening right now, and what we are doing. WE cnnot control another person, but if the problem is his... you can politely tell him what the problem is and work with him on that problem.
You've got plenty of hope left, and it doesn't even sound like you are close to throwing in the towel. Remember that too..... I hope some of this helps!
You know, I've gone through this with my husband before. It got to the point where if he would open his mouth I'd grind my teeth until they hurt. It was bizarre. But eventually I convinced myself that it was ME, not him, and I was able to get over it.
I think as relationships age some of us go through phases where we just get irritated because the same person is doing the same annoying things over and over...and while some people recognize that as the natural aging process in a marriage, some others of us have a negative reaction to it.....but I overcame it with time and self-realization and you can too.
Just focus on the fact that it's your interpretation of his actions that bother you, not the actions themselves. It lasted about 2 months for me. Good luck!
I think as relationships age some of us go through phases where we just get irritated because the same person is doing the same annoying things over and over...and while some people recognize that as the natural aging process in a marriage, some others of us have a negative reaction to it.....but I overcame it with time and self-realization and you can too.
Just focus on the fact that it's your interpretation of his actions that bother you, not the actions themselves. It lasted about 2 months for me. Good luck!
I agree with specialmom.
And I do want to say, as you continue your quest to become pregnant, you will want to REALLY pay attention to why now at this point in your life you can't really stand being around your husband.
I would pay special attention to your attitude toward your mother and her relationship with men/your father.
And I do want to say, as you continue your quest to become pregnant, you will want to REALLY pay attention to why now at this point in your life you can't really stand being around your husband.
I would pay special attention to your attitude toward your mother and her relationship with men/your father.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, think about this. Think if anything at all is deep down really bothering you and causing you to lash out (even if it doesn't have to do with your husband------ brainstorm on the subject of what could be at the heart of your discontent). I saw on the side bar that you are trying for a baby? Could you be in deep fear about this, not happy at his attitude, etc. on a deeper level and so focusing on the surface stuff? You are hurting emotionally during the quest for baby while he seems happy as a clam? That kind of thing. I could be off track with that completely and forgive me if I am. But think about this subject and what you could be internalizing tonight and come back.
I can't really think of anything right now, but I'm going to really sit down and think through everything tonight and see what may come up. I know we had gotten into a fight last month about him taking me for granted, but that has been resolved since then.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. It sounds to me like something on a really deep level with you is making you angry with him and it is too hard to talk about so you are picking on all the little surface things. Is there anything you can think of that could be this item that has you so angry on the inside?
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