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Avatar universal

What is he thinking?

I have recently been diagnosed with a 7 cm septated ovarian cyst and after much ado I am due to see an Oncologist tomorrow.  I don't know if this is cancer or not.

My question is this:  How many people think it is normal for my husband of (ironically 26 years tomorrow) chose to leave for his normally scheduled work trip and to not be there for me?

My sister will be going with me to my appointment but I have to say I'm fairly stunned at my husband's reaction.

Any one here that had a similar experience?
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh  yeah yeah yea.  I'm so happy to hear that it was not cancer.   Like is like the weight of a thousand pounds off one's shoulder's to get that news.  Sorry about the hysterectomy but perhaps you will no longer have endometriosis pain.  But that can be a hard surgery.  But I am so happy for you that you are cancer free.

As far as your husband, I am glad that he was there for you.  You can always work on the issues at hand in your marriage that really seemed to take center stage during the crisis. He does sound like he wants to be with you.  So good luck with that!

Again, congratulations and thanks for coming back and updating us!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's over now.  And I am so happy to say that it turned out to be non-cancerous. To my surprise I wound up having a full hysterectomy.  There was just so much endemetrosis damage...and fibroid and undiagnosed condition to my uterus that had it 4 times it's normal size and "boggy".

My husband did a pretty good job of being supportive during the rest of this and since I have been home the last 3 days.  My sister , as she has always been, was my rock.

Thank you to all of you who offered your comments and support.
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Avatar universal
I've had my second opinion now and he is in agreement with the first doc with one exception.  He feels that given the likelihood that he will find Endometriosis  I should have open surgery.  I'm tending to agree with him on that given my sister's experiences with Endo and Laproscopic surgery.  

My husband did not go with me.  While it broke my heart to stick to my guns, it was the best decision for me.  And while I don't have "Welcome" stamped on my forehead, I do have a real issue with feeling right with doing right for myself.  So this  experience has been about more than one type of "growth" already!

The good news was I was greeted by a man who looked like my husband but with a much more subdued demeanor.  So we actually were able to talk about the options without me getting personally attacked.  Progress, slow but okay....

Thanks again to all of you.  It helped me more than you could possibly know.



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Avatar universal
I appreciate what you are saying.  So much so that despite the harshness that came before...... I did say Yes, he could come.  

But I also added some conditions to his presence.  He then blew up in my face and began attacking again.  

The very behavior I cannot afford to have going on during the appointment.

It was only after that experience of me giving him another "chance" and him showing how incapable he is of understanding that this isn't all about him and he needs to do (or not do) very specific things that he did following the first appointment we shared...that I told him he could not go.

Believe me I would love nothing better than to have him there supporting me or at least understanding that all roads do not lead back to him and his needs.  Unfortunately, all this situation has done is highlight a pattern that is ,at last count 27 years, entrenched.

Thankyou again for your responses and your well wishes.

Oh, and no it isn't to be a biopsy surgery...the right ovary has to be removed intact to avoid rupture and spillage into my abdominal cavity, as the pathology that will be done to determine if it is cancer can only take place once the cyst is safely outside my body.  

To spill the contents of the cyst, if cancerous, is to up spread of the cancer.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm sorry too that your appointment didn't go great,  and you're still having to deal with fear,  and facing uncertainty.  

I agree with Specialmom.  I think you need to give him another chance to be supportive.  So often when couples face crisis it drives them apart, and they end up finally in divorce,  because of misunderstandings/hurts/miscommunications.  

I really think he's probably worried,   and really doesn't know how to express it - or maybe up to this point he thought this was nothing, and now he is more concerned which is why he asked to come to your next appt.    I really think it would do you a world of good to reach out to him,  and say yes please come I need you to be there to support me.  

I'd give him another chance.  He has asked for one.

Best wishes.  This sounds very worrisome.  Prayers for you.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
First, I am sorry about the surgery.  Hopefully it is a biopsy type of surgery?  Still hope that there isn't cancer.  I've been there as I said.  I was scared to death I had cancer before, during and after my biopsy.  (thank goodness, I didn't).  I know this is the kind of terror that is hard to describe---------  it is very deep and consuming.  Try to do some nice things for yourself while you wait and baby yourself.

I am being honest here.  Your husband sounds insensitive and you will hear lots of posts to that affect from here on out I imagine.  However,  sometimes people do react strangely when they are facing a crisis with their spouse.  My husband really did.  I have no doubt that he loves me and that he would be there for me---------  but he acted in a way that I wouldn't describe as too great during that scary time.  Until afterwards when he expressed he thought he was losing it at the thought of my having cancer.  Some people run away from difficult circumstances like that.  It is not good but it is reality.  It may not mean that he doesn't care or doesn't love you.  He very well may just be handling it badly.  I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.  And remember that when we are in a stressful time we analize things and project fear and pain in other places than the real issue.

I remember thinking that my cancer scare was a wake up call to live my life as I should and have the kind of life I wanted.  I should settle for nothing less.  In some ways, that was a wise lesson of the experience.  I'm sure you will also have that experience.  Let him go with you to the second opinion.  Take the support he offers.  Honestly, you need it.  He may just be scared.  Give him the benefit of the doubt and deal with the ups and downs of your relationship later.  goodluck and I'm sorry you are going through this.  
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Avatar universal
Thank you again, to all who took the time to read and post here.  

Unfortunately the visit to the Oncologist didn't tell me what I most wanted to hear..which was...get outta here yer fine!

Instead I am scheduled for surgery.

Husband is home now and his explanation for his leaving me to weather this alone was " I only have so much sick time and as I get older I may need it for myself".

To which I said "  So despite your concern a few weeks that you will be left retiring with the company "owing" you sick time, and despite the fact that my health issue has come up NOW as opposed to hypothetically in your own future you still couldn't take the time off?"

He had no good answer for that so he just personally attacked me in a completely unrelated arena.

He did ask if he could go to the second opinion appt with me and I said yes.  Yes, except that unlike my experience of him on the very first appointment I expect him to be there to listen to all of the information and to be supportive of me NOT looking for validation that him satisfying his needs at my expense is OK.  

He blew up.  

Conversation ended with me having to say the difficult words that no, he could not come with me. I can't afford to have dual agendas at play when my life could be on the line.

I'd like to say I've never seen anything like this...but I have..and this situation has forced me to acknowledge it and deal with it.

So it's not all bad news.


Helpful - 0
1006035 tn?1485575897
My husband has had such a hard time coping with my cysts that he pretends he doesn't care. It took a lot of coaxing to get it out of him that he is worried. He's so scared about it that he wants to run from the situation. Am I mad at him for this? Yes. But, in the end I know he will be there for me because he was there when our daughter was born and when my sister had her surgery.
Helpful - 0
176495 tn?1301280412
I have been to all of my wife's surgeries, and she has had many, cancelling important meetings with out of town mgrs, etc and they ALWAYS have understood..."Jim...family comes first...remember that" and call to ask how she's doing...

I don't make it to all of her appts but I try..and she understands I always can't....I'm part of a 4 person team that HAS to work together but we always work out covering for another who is out..I'm in a similar situation as Judy's husband...on call 24/7 but again we work it out....

I think he should be there and I think he's being more than insensitive.

Jim
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Avatar universal
The people that truly count do step up, so make sure your family and good friends are there to support you,but make sure to let him know how hurt and disappointed you were at his not being there for you when you truly needed his support. Good Luck, Judy
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Avatar universal
I really hope the appointment goes well and that it turns up benign! I've known a lot of guys(and women) to not know how to react to stressful situations that involve health. I went through a major surgery almost 2 years ago, and had many people/friends turn the other way, not knowing how to react as they put it. But then when I had another small surgery, ALL of them were there to support me. Some people just don't know what to do. I don't really get it, but I can say from experience, it happens unfortunately.
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Avatar universal
thanks to all who replied.  

I really needed some unbiased opinions on this.  My sister is ready to string him up by his nads!

His job is such that he is in no danger of losing it if he were to call in sick.  In fact, a week before this all came up he was telling me how a retiring coworker of his was lamenting the fact that he was retiring with vast sums of "sick time" unused and uncompensated and how unfair that was.  And that he, my husband, was going to use more of his sick time.  My husband is in this same scenario.  Loads of sick time unused.  This is not to say that he hasn't in the past chosen to use some of those sick days for his own personal needs...photography vacations, just didn't like the trip, etc.

I not only let him know how hurt I was by his seeming indifference, I also asked him to explain to me the difference in his reaction to my situation and the reaction he had to his mother's strokes.  (They are not close and have little relationship and yet he was there in a limited way.)

Not only this he took my original Gyn Dr.'s words, that sex, not wild sex, would be okay, but that these cysts are far easier to deal with if they don't rupture and most often rupture during sex if they are going to spontaneously rupture as permission to HOUND me about sex the last 4 weeks.

This isn't happening without me calling him on each of these behaviors. When he told me "A nice person would give me a ********".  I responded with "A nice person would understand that I am scared to death and that although all my thoughts are on my reproductive tract at this moment it is NOT in a sexual way.

The irony of the whole thing is he originally accused me of "cutting him out" of the loop because he mistakenly thought my sister had been accompanying me on these (what I thought intially were routine gyn visits for a "yeast" infection).

So I made doubly sure to include him on all that has come up since then, including  the one where they told me my CA-125 results were elevated and that the next stop was an Oncologist.  And then I gave him written invitations to the the 2 oncology appointments, tomorrow and Thursday.

His only response"  You know I'm working that day right?"  
To which I said ""You understand that when you are trying to get into see an oncologist as a new patient, you take what they can give you and work around their schedule, right?"

No further talk.  He simply packed his suitcase in stealth mode and left the house without waking me or saying goodbye, nada.

He is showing absolutely zero concern for me, which I have to say is totally normal procedure around here.  I think I just did what many of us do and assume that when it "really counts" they will step up to the plate.  And I knew better than that!

Thank you all for your kindness and your well wishes. I can use all  that I can get!
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
My husband would go,  in this circumstance,    and honestly I would want him to.  There is a chance that he will be missing a lot of work in the near future,  if it turns out to actually be cancerous,  because he'll be helping take care of you during your treatments.  There's really nothing for him to "do" in this situation,  where during your treatments if they are necessary,  there will be a LOT for him to do.  

Prayers that the biopsy turns up negative for cancer.
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Avatar universal
also, make sure to let him know how hurt you felt and felt he was insensitive also. Men think and respond differently than we do to situations, but let him know how you feel and what your expectations for these situations. Please let us know how you are coming along...Judy
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Avatar universal
Hi, I've had 2 surgeries, one major in uterus (over 3 months to just be able to walk again, because I was opened from my left side all the way to the right side) and overies (just uncomforable) and my fiance was never there for my gyne appts., BUT held my hand as I was being wheeled into surgery, because the surgery part was the scary part. I know how uncomfortable it is to sit in the waiting area, the exam, etc, but to me what counts was that he was there for the surgery.

My fiance works for Motorla's Emergency Call Center, where he is a supervisor with over 40 people as subordinates and is on call 2/47 and I've gotten use to his not being able to always be there for me, but for a surger, emergency (once in an event I forgot to bring my inhaler and I had a serious asthma attack at 3 am and he rushed and got me an inhaler from from a nearby 24 Osco drug), so I love him for that I am sensitive to his responsibilities at work. His job caused us to almost break up a few times, but I've adjusted and he has met me half way also. It's ok to go with friends or family to an appointment and it would be nice if he accompanied you. What is important that if you need surgery or if diagnose with a serious illness that he steps up and support you as you have support him. Good Luck  Judy
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry you are going through this right now---------  any visit to an oncologist is very scary.  I hope it turns out to be nothing.  

Couple of thoughts about your husbands reaction------  first, could he think that if you have cancer he may need to be there more, he better keep his job going now?  
Is he also one of those men that freeze in a crisis?  Some people do not handle these situations very well.  That is small comfort, I know.  

I think I would tell him that this has hurt your feelings and you'd like to know that you will have his support.  He is probably scared to death too.  He may not even realize through his own terror the message he is sending you.  So, I'd try to talk about it.

Again, wishing you luck at the doctors.  Let us know how it goes.
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1100763 tn?1264628498
First of all congratulation on your anniversary. No I don't think that it is normal, but I'm cretin that you are the love of his life and he is not ready to hear that you may have cancer. It is not fare that your sister has to go with you, but she might be a better support system at this time. The last thing you need is to be consoling him when you are the one who is sick. I wish you well, and hope that all is fine.    
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684030 tn?1415612323
It strikes me as being insensitive... especially,  if the trip is an option.
The natural or "normal" expectation would be that your husband would want to be
with you as a show of concern and support during this time of anxiety and uncertainty.

So, what's your husband's explanation?
  
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