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What should I do, i get misbehaved by my In laws, how long should i endure?

I have been married for 10 years and have two cute boys. Since the day I got married I had problem with my in laws because they are so actively/passively aggressive and manipulative. They always told hurting words to me and I spend almost two years each night crying to myself and sometimes complaining to my hubby. My hubby used to console me but could tell nothing to his parents or sister about their wrong behavior to me. Once he tried and his mom created such a drama telling, shouting, crying “is this the award you gave me that I carried you in my womb for 9 months and took care of you, educated you, love you?”  I was shocked and never ever told him to talk about their behavior towards me again and the process continued.  Each day they will tell few heart wrenching things to me (esp by my MIL and SIL) and I was supposed to endure all of them.   My FIL himself would not behave bad but blindly support his wife and daughter. He told me, I have to endure those because they are like that and what they are doing is for me????. I really had very miserable condition and I almost ran out my marriage too (I was a job holder then), however my hubby stopped me by his love and care.  I was not pregnant until first six months of marriage and my MIL told me I am fat ( yes I was little over weight) and infertile and will not give birth. After I got pregnant, I had tendency to not like food (most food) and my MIL would tell that I was just acting and I eat hiding in my room.  My MIL and SIL would day very harsh words to me and I would not discuss with them because I knew It is not worth discussing. I would tell my FIL and husband in front of them what they told me and again they would win the game telling they are not wrong and I am wrong by complaining, etc. They would expect each home chores to be done by me.  After birth of my child also I was not taken much care (in our culture women get a lot of post partum care). But I went to my mom after few days. While my baby was only one and half month old and I needed family help to take care of myself, they lived separately and later my SIL was also married. Even after marriage she would occasionally tell me hurting things in each visit. Even living separately, my hubby and I would support his parents financially and they continue manipulation but as it was not a daily routine, so it was easy for me. In the due course I gave birth to my second child.
Now after almost 7 years of this they have come to live with us claiming that they are old now and they need support. I had thought since SIL is not together and MIL might have realized her mistake, we will have good relation now. But again same behavior continues (but little less) and she back bits and badmouth with neighbors and relatives. Before, when I was newly married I used to be very afraid of them but now I am not afraid and discuss of their behavior openly. So they accuse me of misbehaving, which I haven’t but I just tell them they shouldn’t be doing bad treatment to me in anyway. My husband could not tell them anything because they will start creating drama and scenario that we are discarding them in their old age, etc..etc..They tell we don’t respect them…they did so much for son and son is like this….But my hubby is very nice person not only to me but to everybody.  Nobody is there who dislikes him among relatives, neighbors and friends. He loves me and all his family very much. Now as I am perfectly matured and am not ready to endure ..ignore their behavior and manipulation, I have thought a lot …talked about it with my husband … he says we can stay separate…but I don’t want my parents in law badmouthing to relatives and neighbors  telling that we have abandoned them (they will definitely tell this if we live separately). I want my husband to live with them…care them… and do everything an ideal child would to his parents in old age (MIL early 60s and FIL 70). But I cannot endure their misbehavior. They even should at my elder son that his not good and indirectly tell that he was parented by me and thus he does not know how to behave, how to speak, etc, he is still a kid and he is supposed to act like an adult (9 years old). My hubby says, me and his children are first priority and he will take care of his parents even living away from them. But I have reached to the decision that until and unless I have relation with them, they will continue bad mouthing me telling lies to get support from other people, etc. So I am thinking I would need to divorce with my husband so that I can end this relation and live freely and with peace in mind. I can live on my own, earn and take care of my children. I am not ready to compromise now which I had been doing since 10 years. I have lost all peace of mind and can’t be happy. I am tired of my life and even think of suicide but love my children. Please advise.
4 Responses
13167 tn?1327197724
Rather than divorcing and leaving your husband,  I think you should take him up on his offer to live with you separately from his parents.

From your word syntax,  and cultural references,  I'm guessing you are Indian and it seems like controlling mothers in law are more common in your culture than in mine,  mainstream US culture.  Although we have bad mothers in law too we aren't expected to endure it in silence.  

Best wishes.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I'm going to just ask this---  just words, right?  I know they can be hurtful but they ARE just words.  If I couldn't leave due to my culture, I would not be crying over the words of two rude people, I'd grow a thicker skin and have an internal mechanism of tuning them out.  

Your husband feels like his hands are tied---  loves you, stuck with his mom/sister.  Do you live with them?  Perhaps you can move if you do and if you don't, back off of contact.  And ya, they are going to say hurtful things but this only has power if YOU give it power.  Walk away, ignore, move on.  

good luck
13167 tn?1327197724
I don't know,  specialmom.  "Sticks and stones can break my bones,  but words can break my heart".

She does live with them,  and since her husband has offered to move out and live separately with her in breech of cultural expectations,  I think she should do just that,  and take him up on his offer to live separately.
3060903 tn?1398568723
I too think that rather than divorce, you should have your relatives move out. As for them talking poorly about you behind your back, i would not let that ruin my, otherwise, good marriage.
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