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1615655 tn?1299552781

What should I do when he breaks my soul? Choose to trust him?

I have known him since I was 17, and in 4 years we have been fighting, breaking up, and getting back together. Everything started perfect, he was perfect, to a point that I felt guilty if I didn’t love him back. But then things got so much more complicated and heated, in 2009 after a physical fight, I left the country for 4 months. He contacted me and for a moment I thought things went back to normal, like how it was in the beginning when we could talk, joke and laugh and he was not just my love, but also my best friend. But since then, we were still breaking up and back together…and it seems like his problem with me is that I put all my pressure on him. I don’t even know what my problem with him is but I just feel insecure…all the time. Lately, I feel despaired in him, for whatever reason that made me do so much for him these past months, I have really done enough. Except he doesn’t even appreciate anything…yes he cares for me and has been there for me. But a few days ago we had another fight, and when I came back, I found out on his phone that he texted another girl, it was only one sentence but intuitively I dialled that number at 2 am and found out he asked out a 33 year old woman on the street….after the phone call, I felt stroke by lightning….perhaps he heard the phone call, perhaps he was drunk….he mumbled ‘i swear to god i didn’t do anything.’

I really don’t understand…after everything we’ve been through, after how I put aside my life to help him to make his life better … I’ve been there, the world knows. Minutes before, he’d tell me that he liked looking at me when I was finishing my school paper, he’d kiss me on the cheek and sing to me. Minutes later, I found out about this. Yes it happened during our last fight days before, yes they didn’t even go out yet. But…I felt my heart was done. We had another fight, I didn’t even bother to clarify the problem.

Even that morning, I found out that he signed up for the facebook of sex with his real photo and information...I really don't know what else I can do...I just feel like suddenly I don't know who he is anymore...

But now… why am I still helping him… with his work, his court cases, with his life….? Am I that stupid?
11 Responses
1490116 tn?1304817137
Sweetie-this happened to me only I married the guy and had three children. We were so in love, you could have described our relationship perfectly. The physically abuse gets worse each year, I had gone to an ivy leave school but dropped out to take care of his debts by working and then got pregnant with my first.  Still in love. He went from job to job and my health started to go bad with my second but everyone thought that he was such a nice guy-real charismatic. Had my third, his temper was worse because I couldn't work and bail him out anymore. That's when the fuzzie feelings left and heis temper exploded on the kids too. You blame yourself the whole time-that it is something you could be doing different. These guys are real charmers in the beginning. That's how they get their woman . The first red flag is the hitting. Physically abuse is an absolute unacceptable action and you should leave and change your number period. No second chances.
Go to a local womans shelter you will get free abuse counseling-they will tell you what to do. THERE is a REASON that woman like you and I accept these men to begin with.

Love,
Ingrid
Avatar universal
First, you are not stupid.  Additionally, this relationship is not going to work.  Too much drama.  You know what you have to do.  Its not hard to figure out.  Look, life is too short for this crap.  You spend a big part of your life sleeping and the other part stuck in traffic. It does not leave you that much time left.  With the time you do have, be as happy as you can be.  This is not a healthy relationship. It is better to end it and move on.  Good Luck.
Avatar universal
If there has already been physical violence, you need to get out. I know the feeling. I  thought I loved someone who was physical with me. same thing back and forth. It hurt to make the break but I am all the better of it and he is in jail now for a fight he had where he put the guy in the hospital. Could have been me. I am now married to the love of my life! We have our ups and downs but we are making it work.

Try to see a counselor who can help you get your confidence back.
Avatar universal
Firstly dont let him break your soul you have choices in life and only you can make them,you can either stay with him and continue to be treating like this or get out,he sounds like a big spoilt brat who needs to learn how to look after himself before he can have a relationship with you or anyone,just remember this is your life and you only gets one stab at it so pick wisely.
1615655 tn?1299552781
thanks for all the comments, I know all the logics and I think I know all the answers...but then I tried so many times none worked, it's not that he's a violent person, even I know that many times it me who pushes his buttons. I just feel like he's been my best friend, perhaps the only person who I can trust or talk to about anything everything. He's wonderful but then...I just lose it when I have suspicion....and now it's kinda proven.. he did ask someone out on the street last weekend when we had a fight....i never confronted him but i dont think i need to. it is also true that he signed up for the sex sites after our fight again on tuesday... what should i do? my guts r still telling me to trust him...though i never did for the past 4 years... hes never cheated or anything, but he always had a tendency to get back at me with these things cuz he knows i have access to all his accounts so i'd find out anyway....
Avatar universal
Keep going with the drama girl. Move on, you been adviced.
Avatar universal
You may be in a co dependent relationship.  As was stated  he is not ready for a relationship right now and maybe your are not either. You must love yourself before you can truly love another and allowing this is not loving yourself. I know it is hard but once you are out and healthy you will be glad you did and maybe it will cause him to get help too.
Avatar universal
Look back and read your own posts and then think what advice you wpuld give if it were someone close to you,he is a player and a child if you want to be a child minder then at least apply for the job and get paid a decent wage.
Avatar universal
I think it is time for both you to move on.  If things don't work between the two of you, it's time to move on.  I think you may have done all you can do for him.  Sometimes when you love someone you love them enough to walk away.
1615655 tn?1299552781
thank u so much for ur advice...u know how sometimes people say no one else is in the person's shoe so its hard to explain... i even feel stupid sometimes because of how smart i am...or used to be, and how much potentials i once had... yet within 4 years i gave up the best part of me, but something still triggers my heart as if it just wont settle until the very end, even if the cost is everything....its not like sex and the city where they have girlfriends who back them up, i feel like the world sees me as someone strong and successful, yet they never get to know the real me and its like no one i would ever want to turn to...which is why im so stuck in this situation....for too long...
1615655 tn?1299552781
u r so right....but i've tried...he had tried the same....love someone to walk away...but its like we somehow always end up back together and we always have that moment of perfect relationship...then something goes wrong...i even went to China but still ended up back with him...and yeah he's done things that no one would imagine doing for me...but its just...something's wrong...
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