What should I do?

[Gabby1999]

My husband had a tumor removed from his frontal lobe five years ago.  He had non-Hodgkins lymphoma as a result of the Agent Orange used in Vietnam.  That has also caused his diabetes (insulin dependent), impotency and neurapathy.  The surgery has affected his personality in many ways.  Since the surgery he sleeps on the couch every night.  He is disabilty retired so he spends every day watching TV and sleeping.  He gets a minimum of 16 hours of sleep every day.  He is very negative about everything...even the things I do for him. We don't do anything together mostly because he ends up saying something hurtful and I get upset.  (I think his unthoughtfulness is a result of the surgery.)  He looks healthy and remembers to think of others, but I am not even on his list.

When we got married, I took a vow to stay with him through sickness and in health.  I know that if I were to walk away, he would not do anything to get me back.  If I were to ask him to leave, he would do so in a New York minute. What do I do?  I love him, the him I married, but this is not the same person.  

[Gabby1999]

Maybe that is what keeps me here.  If the roles were reversed, I would hope he would tolerate me.  However, it is not that simple. As Opus wrote, it is the "awareness" part of the brain that has been affected.  So if I KNEW what I was doing and I were treating him so poorly, I guess I would be trying to get him to leave.  But, if I wasn't aware, then I would hope he would stay.

I guess I am afraid to choose whether he is aware or not.  But I am trying to believe that he is not aware.

Man!  I sure thank everyone for your input.  All of your comments have helped me in so many ways.

[Gabby1999]

Thank you so much for your comments. I amso sorry you had to go through that.  But, my oh my, I felt such relief to read your note.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that you described your relationship as "roommates".  That is exactly how  I see our relationship.  Some days we hardly even speak.  He asks if  he can have some of my food or soap.

Can I ask you one more question?  Did you ever "blowup"?  I do.  I have said things that I would never say.  I  feel like I am such a weakling.

[jo929]

I forgot to say that i am very sorry that this had to happen, and i do feel for you, and this will have to be your decision to make and no one can make it for you  luck  jo

[specialmom]

That is the really scary thing.  As Jo said, I think we all hope that if something tragic happens to us that our spouse would stand by us and help.  When we say for better or for worse, we really mean-----  let's hope it always stays for better!  

Every woman has to make their own decision on something like this.  It is perfectly understandable if someone leaves and those who stay deserve a medal.  So, you have to do what is in your heart.  

Wishing you luck, this is a very difficult situation.

[jo929]

let me ask you this
if your positions were reversed what would you want your spose to do  luck  jo

[Agiesmom]

I can't say for certain, but I'd be willing to bet that if he saw a hidden video of himself, he'd probably be shocked (like some of the parents on Super Nanny, who actually know they are being video-taped).  And his willingness to accept your leaving or being willing to leave is probably more about wondering why you've stayed so long.  Maybe he's so miserable, he thinks he'd rather be miserable alone?  Maybe he's testing you?  Pushing you?  Seeing how much you will take?

Have you talked to his doctors?  Asked them if they have any suggestions on what else can be done for him and what you could do to help yourself?  Maybe if you point blank say that you just don't think you can do this anymore--that something has to change--they will make suggestions or push him to get involved in a program or therapy or something?

[teko]

You need to lay your feelings down like an open book. What do you have to lose at this point. He needs to know exactly how you are feeling and if he cares at all will help take the needed steps to improve the situation. Sounds like a horrible way to exist and I realize he has problems out of his control, but as you said he doesnt treat others that way so why you? You can be understanding of his situation but at the same time the communication must flow freely if anything is going to change. My heart goes out to you both.

[Judy246]

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing difficulty in your relationship. He is damaged goods. He has experience the ultimate in war. My cousin went to vietnam and it took 20 yrs. for him to become somewhat normal. Only his eyes and God know what they have experience and have seen and it took 20 yrs. for him to be able to talk to me about what he saw, experienced and did. Your husband's life from war to poor health has and is effecting him psycologically and I don't know if he is even aware of how you are feeling. It's very important to be able to have open communication with him, even if he is in a negative state of health and mind. I recommend a marriage counselor or priest to advice you both or individually on how best to communicate and approach your situation.  I don't think he is aware of how is effecting you and you should tell him, because you have the right to be in a happy relationship and home environment. Talk with him and tell him how you fee, how he is effecting you and how can you both work this out, because I'm sure that if you leave him, he will go down hill, but you have the right to be in good relationship and environment. Please let us know how you are coming along....Judy

[opus88]

oh honey do I ever relate!!
I have been married 42 yrs and 20 yrs ago my husband also suffered a frontal lobe injury that changed his personality totally.
I felt in reality my husband died 20 yrs ago we have just been roomates ever since.

After years of counseling, medications and trying anything and everything we finally separated 2 yrs ago, he just kept getting more and more angry....and most of his anger was directed towards me of course...we are the closes to them therefore we get the brunt of all the anger.

He lost motovation, empathy, cognitive awareness and the ability to understand that he wasn't functioning as before.

I took the same vow's honey but you have to remember this isn't the same man!...is he willing to seek therapy and if so does he have the ability to understand and retain the knowledge???...if so there is hope otherwise nothing will change for you I'm afraid.