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1353681 tn?1387087333

What to say?

I've had a friend for a few years now who seemed very bubbly, fun, and kind in the beginning. She is 36, a few years older than me, and we had the same interests in music, movies, shopping, food, etc. We have been hanging out almost every other week for the past year now, and we go to a karoake bar to just chill /sing, etc. This year especially, things are just weird. She is a kind person at heart, I know this, BUT , when we are out, she'll yell at guys VERY loudly, and embarrass me by saying, 'Grab his ***!' so that they guy can hear, or say, "She thinks you're hot".. and I just don't like it anymore.. I've told her this in a joking way, but she always responds, "oh it's just fun.." She was adopted at the age of 3, and I've grown to learn she was abused right before, by her then foster father. She can become extremely loud when we are out, talks All about herself, and whenever I've talked about health issues or my sister, anything that isn't 'fun' or about her, she literally cuts me off , sometimes even has said, "yeah, look at this.. I just didn't want to hear that,/talk about that".. when she did this the first time, I was astonished, and sad. I didnt' even call her on that o.O I should have. She once said, when her sister was having surgery for her cancer, "I know she has cancer, and surgery, but it Has to be on my birthday weekend??"  I couldn't even believe it..
I rarely talk about myself to her, and she wants a LOT of attention when out. She's even said, "Oh let's see if so and so guy looks at us" when we are in the car, etc... It is getting to be a bit draining. She will pound the table at karaoke if I don't IMMEDIATELY look at her, when she's talking, (because i didn't even HEAR her) .. it can get very loud. She'll say, "Heyyyyy!! Listen to meeee" in a whiny voice, as if it is fun.. but it is becoming a lot of the time she does this now. I'll respond, "I didn't Hear you, sorry" and then she'll just go on and on.

I do enjoy her company at times, she can be easy go lucky/fun, BUT I just don't know if I should continue to hang out; she'll text me every week with commands; Call me NOW. or, she'll say to my sis every week, Have sis call me now.. Never as with my other friends, like, 'give me a call WHEN you can.." or , talk to u soon, etc. I am writing because I am a people pleaser to the core, and I dont' ever like to 'write' soemone off in my life, but it is just too much..She did help me a lot, when i was extremely depressed and my heart ripped out after a guy I loved and talked to online for  a year, made plans with, went with another woman this spring , one Month after telling me he was in love with me..she was very helpful picking me up with that, and seeing the red flags i had not clearly seen (as did my medhelp friends THANK you).. but that is the only thing she has ever really listened to me on.  

However, with her behavior lately,  I don't know whether to hang out once in a great while, or just tell her?? She is VERY sensitive if you even HINT that you didnt' like a behavior..She 'll make up lies and say, I haven't seen you for 3 months, you SAID you were going to blah blah... when i NEVER said it at all...she has done that a few times now as well. How do you go about a friendship where the person 'can' be fun and a friend , but becoming draining or almost stalkerish too? (she recently wrote, we are doing New Year's Eve, and if u cancel fine, but then I'll stalk you for my birthday in Feb. )..o.O I would Like to keep 'some' ties, but what would others do?? would you just break it off, or say something light in an email, or ...?? Not sure right now, and it is hard each week now ..any tips would be very welcome. Thank you .
8 Responses
6726276 tn?1421130268
Dear Calmshell, I'm sure of one thing. Do not tolerate the out of line terrible Bar behavior. If she can't understand you do not want to hear her talk ( yell) about Men's genitals then so be it. Let her feelings get hurt.
    That would be a deal breaker for me. Do not accept her excuses. It's not all in good fun. It is disgusting. How many decent men do you think enjoy that Raunchy type behavior.    After all it's not a strip club.    Pamela
1353681 tn?1387087333
Thank you for responding CR.. yes that part of her behavior i understand some women find 'fun' , or some men, but it has made me so embarrased several times; yes I think the word could be disgusting. I just know my sis tells me to not really associate anymore with her or hang out, etc. I dont' like just never calling someone again/contacting them, etc.. but I guess sometimes you need to. I just wish some of this behavior could get better; I sometimes am a pushover w/friends, and just let them do whatever they want even if I don't approve or think they were rude .. I guess I just need the guts to email her/tell her about how controlling she is getting. I appreciate  your feedback and I thank you CR..*hugs* Have a great holiday season :)
Avatar universal
You could perhaps tell Her how You feel about these things but if this is Her personality You are not likely to change Her behaviors.  It's worth it to express Your thoughts, feelings and see what happens.

That being said, there is good and bad in all friendship/relationships.  If the good outweighs the bad You stay but - if the bad outweighs the good then it's probably time to move on.  I can only see You keeping 'some' ties if You're willing to tolerate embarassment when You are with Her.

I too would have issues with Her behavior as You describe here,

Good Luck
Avatar universal
She sounds overbearing and lacking boundaries. While no one is perfect there does come a time when enough is enough.  Moreover, you need to establish boundaries with her pronto.  

You can make a pro/con list in regards to her.  If the cons are more than the pros then it's probably time to let this relationship go.  This relationship may have just run its course.

You can try talking to her again.  If she gets all defensive and/or could care less then you can tell her then and there you aren't able to continue the relationship because you just don't feel comfortable with her behavior.  

You shouldn't have to feel on edge about what she is going to do or say when you are out in public.  That sounds stressful in my opinion.
480448 tn?1426952138
Oh boy, I have one of those friends too!  It's been a LONG time since I was a frequenter of the bar/party scene (which this friend was perfect for), and through the years, I've tried to maintain our friendship anyway, despite us not hanging out in those kinds of social settings.  I tried to kind of "morph" the friendship back into what it was originally like for us.

I can tell you that you've described my friend to a T.  She's extremely self serving, selfish and self absorbed.  She wants to call me and chat for HOURS about her very weird life drama (which she creates for herself)...everything is ALL about her, ALL the time.  She never asks how I am, how my kids are, nothing.  Not even in passing...not even ONE word about me...I answer the phone and she immediately starts into everything about HER.  There have even been times when I've told her I needed to talk, because I had some stuff going on, after 2-3 minutes, she always would change the subject to be all about HER again.  Astounding really.  

I've realized that that isn't a "friendship" at all, it's completely one sided, those kinds of people are "takers" and we're "givers".  All these years later, I still talk to her once in a while, and she's been going through a rough patch (again, brought on by herself)....and while I keep my distance MOST of the time, I don't cut the ties completely, because that's just who I am.  I figure at least I KNOW the deal and I know not to have any expectations at all.  Still, I kind of know I'm a fool.  My husband tells me all the time I'm a fool for talking to her at all ever.

It sounds like the majority of your friendship has been centered around social gatherings, "party" type atmospheres, which will add to the superficial nature of the relationship.  MY advice to you would be to call it a day, and move on.  

I should really take my own advice, because I know that I would be smarter giving my time to REAL friends...but we DID have a history for several years when worked together that our friendship was very different, a lot of one on one time, girl talks, etc.  So, I think that's kind of what keeps me from saying "the he** with you" all together.  I should really though, because it's been a LONG time since she's been a real friend to me.  

Friendships are like any other relationship...they are a two-way street and both parties must give for it to work.  Also, when we recognize that we're not satisfied with the relationship anymore, or identify big issues like this, where the relationship is very lopsided, then it's time to decide if it's worth the effort in trying to improve it, or cut our losses.

From all you've said, I would lean towards telling you to cut your losses.  She's said some pretty hurtful things in the name of her selfishness to you.  I'm telling you, your friend and mine would be two peas in a pod, although they would likely kill one another over the struggle for the spotlight.  :0)

Just remember that we choose who is worthy of our attention, and affections.  There are LOTS of people who would make a much better friend to you...and it sounds like anyone would be lucky to have YOU as a friend.

I know the exact situation you're in.  Hopefully you won't waste too much time on her if she doesn't show any willingness to REALLY listen to your concerns (like I have).  My guess is, if you try to sit down and have a REAL heart to heart with her, you'll be faced with a guilt trip and drama.  Because people like them don't take criticism well at all, even if the intentions behind it are good (repairing a friendship).

Best of luck to you, happy holidays!
1353681 tn?1387087333
Thank you T, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I see what you mean that if the bad outweighs the good, then it is time to move on. I think my gut is saying I feel generally 'small' now when w/her.. catering to every subject she wants, catering to what she wants, and just letting lies and manipulation go :( I have been a doormat enough for people, and that is what I really feel like sometimes.. thank you for letting me see these tips to ponder, I am thankful people like you are here to help..*hugs* and enjoy your night.
1353681 tn?1387087333
Londres, Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. You have helped me in the past, and are such a kind , warm, intelligent person. I tried to send you a message, but it wouldn't allow me..I posted twice as well on your 'notes' section, and it wouldn't post ahhh!!! lol... Well, I truly agree that it is time for a pro/cons list.. that is a good tip. I also think you hit what I have felt in my gut that there are just NO boundaries. The lies, cutting me off all the time, almost stalking me, and then yelling obscene things , it just isn't 'fun' now- I do feel on edge sometimes, and I just hate 'writing' people off, BUT it's like, where/when do I draw the line on my OWN respect and feelings??? for me, it's truly been never. I am trying at this point to slowly slip away; I do not jump to return texts/calls, and I even just said the other day on FB, to a lie she made up about New Years Eve, "no, I didn't say that, C"..I just know that isn't enough though; she can definitely be defensive in the past, and I just am getting tired of feeling used, while I always keep my mouth shut :( I thank you for being such a good friend and confidante *huugg*.. how are You doing?? enjoy your weekend L, and thank you so much for your insight on this..
Avatar universal
I will have to look at my settings.  You can try and PM me again.  :)
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