Where's the Passion??

[TamiMarie]

I have been with my fiance now for two years.  We never argue, we both work full-time jobs and don't get to see each other much during the week.  Since we first started dating he doesn't seem to have much of a libido, our usual is once a month.  It makes me feel insecure, I mean he's in his twenties...shouldn't he be wanting it all the time?!  I have asked him numerous times if it is something about me that he isn't attracted to and he says no, that he just doesn't have a sex-drive.  The thing is, he looks at porn on the net and such, but yet he wont come to me for anything.  I am not an unattractive girl, I am happy with myself, so this is kind of putting a dent in my self-esteem.  I just don't understand it, he doesn't come home complaining of stresses at work, or anywhere else in his life.  He says he is happy in our relationship which seems to be true, and I know he isn't cheating...he doesn't have the time.  How do I make him see that this really hurts me, that I need more from him.  Not just in the sex area, but in the passion area as well.  There is no passion in our relationship.  I love him, he loves me and we are planning to get married...so what's the problem?!

[SixStringer]

Your Profile lists you as a male.  Anyway, he may just be someone who has a low libido and a low level of passion in general, as you say he has been this way since you "first started dating".  Porn is so available and so easy to find on the Internet, so men don't have to go to a lot of trouble to access it, that is, leave home, go to an adult book store downtown, and so on.  He may be just sexually curious, but not necessarily using it to masturbate or even as a substitute for relations with you.  Some men also use porn to get worked up enough mentally to initiate things with their partners. Seeing it lets them think about the possibilities.  However, in this case, it doesn't seem to be working that way. It would be good if you could both sit down and have a good discussion about your concerns.  In the end, your sexual relations should have nothing to do with your self-esteem--you are not any better or worse if you have sex every night or twice a month.  It's just that you both are now on different sexual levels.  The question is:  can he get it up to your level?  Talk it out.    

[treazzure007]

yeah.  try to initiate some interaction.  sometimes, people can't miss what they don't have.  once things get going a bit, he may willingly jump right on in to make it more usual, routine.  

another thing to consider is that he may not only be watching porn but maybe masturbating as well.  if that's the case, there would be no wonder he's no really interested afterwards

[babypooh]

Maybe that's just his personality, but seeing porn online does seem strange for a guy with a low sex-drive.  If you're sure that he loves you very much then all  you need to do is talk to him about it.  I wouldn't be ok with my husband looking at porn.  I would be upset whether he has a sex-drive or  not.  But you need to explain how you feel.  If he loves you he will listen.  Sometimes we women have to take the initiative because men are clueless.  Try making a date night once a week.  Try one and see how it goes.  tell him you have a surprise for him that day for when he gets home.  Surprise him  with a nice romantic dinner all set up and wear something sexy for bed.  Maybe he just needs you to initiate things.   Good luck.