Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Why do we stat with someone that has cheated?

Man what do I do? Me and my boyfriend been together a year and just found out today thats he has been talking to another girl. He got dirty pictures from her and they talked like they was a thing? (The girl is his ex tho..) But yet he sat there everyday and was saying i was cheating and all that but i was at work! He never actually physically touched her to my knowledge. Do i stay and let it be or do i walk away?? Please help I love him dearly, but tired of the ****.
6 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
It might be a cleaner issue (and possibly easier for you to forgive and try again) if he had just been talking to her, but for him to then turn around and accuse you of cheating makes his behavior a lot more hypocritical. In your shoes I'd probably be madder at the false accusation than at him having a few words with his ex. But gotta say, none of this sounds like it's heading in a good place long term.
2 Comments
Well he even got nude pictures, talking about having her suck his d*ck and everything. Like they was a couple. Like i have been cheated on yes but this one I toon it alot different..
If you love him dearly but you're tired of the ****, it's probably time to think about leaving and being on your own. Being without someone who is making you tired, is an upper, not a downer.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hey, I'm really sorry this happened!  That hurts to the core to be betrayed like that.  Sadly, I don't think you can deny that this is a situation where he's been unfaithful. Even if it was just for ya ya's like phone sex, it's still way too intimate for a guy in a relationship!  And his reaction is such that he got caught and was grasping as straws about what to do, I imagine.  So, he went with the turn it all around routine.  People do this sometimes and just make things worse!  

Unfortunately, unless he is willing to really talk to you and admit what the truth is, there isn't much you can do.  He's not saying sorry, let's work on it babe.  That's what you want to hear if you hope to fix this situation and continue a relationship with him.  

How is the rest of your relationship? Does it seem somewhat one sided or has it otherwise been healthy? Did he cheat on his ex with you or someone else --  as in does he have a pattern of this kind of thing?
2 Comments
Relationship has been rocky here lately but in the beginning we was great! Im not sure how or why everything got changed. But he does want to work it out but how does one live with knowing the fact of him cheating? I guess what I'm trying to say is that is it going to effect me to not be able to trust him?
He wants to work it out but how do you live with knowing he cheated? I guess, you talk with a counselor together, but it's really kind of hard to believe he means it. Good luck, you'll need him to straighten up and fly right, and then you'll need to believe him, and both of those things might be unrealistic to hope for.
1616953 tn?1443835511
I don't know how much you have invested in him.  If your really committed you may want to check out BAN.  Beyond Affairs Network.  They do a group thing that might be of value.  Talking with other people who have been cheated on can help you talk out your problem and possibly help you make a decision on where you want to go.  If you do decide to try to work it out one other thing I would suggest you consider is therapy of some kind.  Couples or individual.  Maybe a couple sessions of individual if your agonizing over the direction you take it.  
2 Comments
Thanks for the help. I do love him and all. Im just scared im not gonna have much trust now.
good advice there.  I want you to know too that I have a good friend whose husband cheated on her.  Had a whole other life apparently.  And they stayed together and worked it out and it has now been 10 years since it happened and they are still together and she says she is happy.  They seem happy.  But the thing is, he righted his wrong. There's also a member here that cheated on his wife.  He is very open about it and actually both are members of the site.  She had a hard time moving past it and he had to be very patient. But again, the man has to admit he did wrong for that to work.  So, I'm not sure where you go if he isn't willing to take that blame.  hugs
Avatar universal
Thanks everyone!
134578 tn?1614729226
Hope it helped!

The last thing I might mention is that you've been using unusual language when you have been saying you love him. You haven't said "I love him." You've added a little qualifier each time. "I love him dearly" doesn't quite mean the same thing, and "I love him and all" doesn't mean the same thing. Maybe it just reflects your doubt based on his behavior, or maybe it reflects you having second thoughts in general about how good this relationship is, but whatever is going on, if you intend to stay with it, it would be good to see a counselor and figure out what you want and need and what it will take from him for you to stay. You sound like you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself fine, and like you deserve someone who is in it for the long haul, not some guy with an eye off to the side. There are lots of men in the world who wouldn't do that to the woman they are with.
9 Comments
How could you have any trust in him right now?  Does he work or are you the breadwinner?
Yes he's on days and I work nights so it's hard that way too
Hard to stay connected, if you are sleeping when he is awake and vice versa.
I understand that but its still not a good reason  to talk to some chick and let her send you pictures and all that.
I was commenting on the situation overall, as to why a couple might fall away from each other. I wasn't making an excuse for him (nor trying to open the door to hearing what you would say if you were scolding him, either). From your story, it sounds like it's time to end things. You can't trust the guy, and you merely love him "and all" and "dearly." It would take a mutually serious, deep, committed love to get past the lack of trust caused by him flirting online (or worse).  I don't know why you are still there, myself.
I can't let go of him. Yes i might have worded my words wrong but trust me he is my world I love him to no end. I was mad and hurt at the fact of what happened, yes maybe me and him both would be better off if we wasn't together anymore but were not ready to give up and I'm willing to overlook the fact of what happened between us but idk if i can a second time.
Here is one way to look at it.
"My mother told me relationships are like shoes: No matter how beautiful they are or how much you love them, if they don’t fit there will be pain with every step. Nobody will know it but you. There was pain in my relationship with my boyfriend of eight years, but I had ignored it. I finally understood the true meaning of my mother’s saying when he cheated on me. I don’t hate him or the other woman anymore. I took off the shoes and am free. " — Karleen Chiu

I'm not saying this is you, but it's always worth remembering that when we accept pain over something we don't deserve to experience, we do ourselves a disservice.
What makes you think there will be a 2nd time?
What makes you think that it couldnt happen again? The old saying is history repeats its self. Not to be rude.
Avatar universal
Well, everyone I love your guys advice, I have let it go and tried to move forward with him and put that and our other problems in the past and leave them tgrrey, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. He doesn't want to move forward with me. I love him I always will, but I guess im just not the one. Again thank you all!!
1 Comments
Sweetheart, don't let this sting, he does not sound like the prize you were telling yourself he is. Cry if you've gotta, but don't cry for long.
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
Bumps in the genital area might be STDs, but are usually not serious.
Chlamydia, an STI, often has no symptoms, but must be treated.
For people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the COVID-19 pandemic can be particularly challenging.