My boyfriend keeps trying to teach me how to love myself. To be confident and happy with me. He persuaded me to style my hair, which i haven't in years! But everyday, not on purpose though, he manages to dash the work i put in.
I've started to dress better, for my figure, more skin on show, enjoying getting dressed in the morning. But then he sees me, and it's either he doesn't notice anything OR he tells me he doesn't like how i'm dressed. One day i asked him to dress me, so that he liked how i looked. He covered me up completely. I've been out with his friends and when it comes to girls, all he wants is skin skin skin. So i feel like he doesn't want to look at me. He wants me covered up.
When he comes home, he talks about the girls he's seen while out. I have no problem with him looking at girls, it's fine. Lookie no Touchie. But why it bothers me, is i know he'll never talk about me that way. Never to his friends, never to himself in his head and i can never make him talk about me that way. No matter how i try. No matter what i wear.
And the finally straw, is i feel like he doesn't want me anymore. We talked about it, about how i was so grateful for him lessening on the porn intake - because it just made me feel terrible - and now we could enjoy "us" more... he said he doesn't like how long it takes. But when i asked about why he still needs the porn, he said sometimes you just like to pass large amounts of time. What does that tell me, he'll take as long as needed with a screen but he doesn't want to with me.
He doesn't mean to, but i love him so much, and everything he says and does.. it goes straight to heart and it hurts. I can't feel confident about myself, because i feel like he's telling me i don't want you. How i can i feel confident if the person who loves me, doesn't want me?