Why is he so mean?

[glamman]

I posted a few weeks ago that i had broken up with my boyfriend and was having a hard time dealing with it. Its actually getting worse. I am in a downward spiral.  things seem out of control and i cant pull myself out. Today all i had to eat was breakfast.. the rest was coffee, cigarettes and alcohol. Its not like me at all. Part of the reason i think is that i bumped into my ex 3 times in the last week. He lives nearby and we enjoy the same things so i guess its inevitable but it was horrible. i was so shocked to see him that it took a few days to get over each meeting. The last one happened at a film festival. my friend was climbing the stairs of the cinema and i was a few steps behind and looking backwards cause i had seen someone I know, so my friend stopped at a row and i reached him a few seconds later and he said " shall we take these seats?" I looked down at the row and there was my ex and the seats were next to him. My friend does not know my ex so didnt know not to sit there. It was such a shock that all i could say was ' Oh No" and we moved on- but i had to sit 2 rows behind. so every time i looked at the movie I could see ex's head. I was in tears a lot of the movie. at the end of movie he was at bottom of the stairs alone while his friends must have gone to bathroom, so I thought " what should I do? say hello, or keep walking past" so i said hello and we chatted briefly till his friends came back. I was kind of pleased in a way to see that his eyes were all red like he had been crying.  So tonight was a long standing function that we both had to attend, he arrived with his group at the same time as me with mine. So i said hello to everyone. he didnt say hello, barely looked at me and didnt say hello to my friends. I think if i hadnt said hello to the group he would have totally ignored us.  Then we all sat down. Our seats were all numbered and as we bought them when we were a couple, all 7 seats were next to each other, so he sat at one end and i close to the other,At the end of the function he and his group got up and left without saying goodbye to us( except one of his friends who i was sitting next to) . It was so hurtful. Can he not be civil to me like i am to him? I really feel I dont deserve this behaviour. It seems really cruel behaviour and feels like he is torturing me. I still love him ( but wont go back to him) and thats why his behaviour hurts so much. Any advice on why he would be acting so mean?

[glamman]

Thanks for your good advice Specialmom. Just like your name, you are special !!

[specialmom]

Well, this is hard hon.  Whenever we are in the midst of seperating our life from someone, we second guess ourself, spend lots of time thinking about it all and planning, etc.  Part of it is that feeling of loss of control.  We as humans like to believe we can have some control over outcomes and in many situations we can.  But when it comes to someone else and a break up, it is often out of our control.  Letting it just be feels really hard at that time.  But usually, that is the best thing to do.  

I think that unless he approaches you to talk--------- he would definately be the exact same guy he has always has been with the bad behavior.  (in reference to your wondering if he would be different if you two somehow decided to be together again.)  

I think it is too fresh to have this conversation.  And because you are still second guessing yourself, you have a secondary motive subconsiously.  This is where you could get hurt.  

Think about the reasons you two are broken up again--------  write it out if you have to.  Some people do get back together and have a wonderful new relationship.  However, they have to really commit to working on what problems were there before.  I don't know if you guys are ready for that.  So, if you are really just trying to get over things---------  I'd just keep your distance.  Be polite if you do see him, don't seek out being where he is at (find some new things to do).  But keep your distance.  When you are less emotionally vulnerable, you can think about a conversation with him.  Right now it is too fresh.  

I do hope it gets easier soon for you!  Peace.

[glamman]

Thanks Specialmom! I always read your comments to peoples questions and you always give sensible, balanced and considered advice.
I have actually been a little better the last couple of days. Have not smoked, drank some alcohol but not as much as last week and been eating. I think it was the stress of knowing I was going to see him that really put me off track.
I did want to ask you your thoughts on me contacting him. I have not done it but was very close today but I didnt. Judging from his bad behaviour the other night he probably wont be happy to hear from me( is he angry? or hurt?), but It really feels that we have unresolved stuff  (even our final conversation when breaking up I had to initiate ( needed to discuss practical issues, finances etc) he didnt want to talk and said " whats there to talk about?"- but there were lots of things that needed resolving so finally he relented). I guess I just want to have a civil, adult conversation with him which will help me. In some ways I have not accepted its over and so a part of me wants to be back with him. I do love him very much. The other part of me says it will be just like it was before with his bad behaviour and he has not changed so why go back? So a pleasant adult conversation could settle things in my mind.

[specialmom]

Oh, I'm sorry.  That does sound terrible.  I recall how it feels to run into someone that is hurting me----------  it causes quite a stir of emotion.  That stinks that you are in a small enough area that you keep running into him.  Here you are trying to move on and do things that you think are fun to take your mind off of him and Wham!  You bump into him.  

I don't know why he is being cold/mean.  Maybe he doesn't know how to act or what to say so he is doing this without really intending to be mean/cold.  This does happen.  He is kind of running the other direction because it is uncomfortable.  Kind of like when your only response to your friend when she wanted to pick seats next to him was to say "OH NO!" and high tail it out of there.  We react in all sorts of ways and the other person is left to try to interpret it.  When really, all they are doing is reacting.

So, what can you do to help with the heartache?  This might be a good time to think of new things you might enjoy.  YOu don't have to give up the old things/hobbies------- but try to expand the list. I met my now husband at a huge garden show in our city.  My husband has never gardened and has no interest.  He was just there for the party.  So, expand what types of things you do for fun.  Look for new opportunities.  

Keep that journal to write your feelings down in.  And put yourself on a schedule.  You have specific times in which you must grab something to eat.  Even if it is just an apple or something small----------  when it hits that time, you have to eat.  Try to work out.  This really does great things for our psyche!  It can actually make us feel better as our body responds to the chemicals released from the physical exertion.  And just be kind to yourself.  

When you run into him---------  ya know.  I'd just cut yourself some slack and cut him some slack as you are both adjusting to this break up.  It's really hard!!!  But it does get better.  (I have an ex though that to this day I hate to bump into.  It is just weird!!  I'm happily married for several years and with kids----------  but get that ooky feeling whenever we cross paths.  But . . . I'm not sad anymore.  That is the difference!!!  You'll eventually NOT be the least bit sad about him).  Anyway, I do hope it gets better for you soon!  Peace.