I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard to let go of a relationship when you feel there's no hope in it's future.
First off, have you tried relationship counseling? A lot of churches will do that for free. Perhaps you two would be interested in looking into something like that. Many churches don't even require you to join or be a member of the church, so if relationship counseling is an option you'd like to consider, start calling around some local churches or, if you're already a member of one, start there.
Secondly, if you honestly feel that you've exhausted every effort you can and feel there's nothing left you can do except leave, then please hear me out when I say this. You love him, that's easy enough to determine from your post. You've invested your heart and soul into building a relationship with him for two years. But him...from what you describe...I can't say truthfully that he loves you. He is selfish, ego-centric, and immature. Is he 23 years old also? If so, that would explain it, as it's not uncommon for men to fully mature with responsibility until they are about 25 or older. Sounds to me that you two got together when you were barely 20 years old and you, in a way, took on the role of his parent as well as girlfriend. Was he living with his parents when you two got together? Has he EVER supported only himself, entirely independent of anyone else's finances? I'm guessing he hasn't. If that's the case, he can't mature into appreciating what it takes to be responsible and independent if he has someone picking up the pieces for him. So I can only say, based strictly off what you wrote, that he loves the IDEA of your relationship, the FANTASY of a future with you. He does not know the reality of what love and partnership in adulthood is supposed to be. Love is give and take, communication and responsibility. All I get from your post is that he gets everything he wants, doesn't communcate with you unless he's yelling at you in an argument, and doesn't even care that you are not having even your most basic needs met to care for yourself.
I know it's hard to let go and move on, believe me...I've had to do it myself. But you can't ever discover what full potential your own life has, or what better relationships lie ahead, if you don't let go of what is causing so much unhappiness now only because you think you don't deserve better and feel guilty for wanting something better.
Hi Stephie, I read your story and is a common situation that all of us have to deal with one time or another in our lives. From what you say your love is a one way street. You have love for him but not him for you. Hes using you to get what he wants out of life and will drain you dry both emotionally and financially. He is the world to you in all aspects of you being but you are not the world to him in every thing he is seeking. When ever a person makes any essence to be all encompassing in the life they set themselve up for heart break as all things in life are fleeting. The only thing that we be there for you when its all said and done is YOU!!! Make you the center of your life and make all external forces part of that center, not the center itself.
Sometime we have to experience things to know the outcome. Its not our fault it all stems from learning and nothing more!!!!
Thank you for your response. He is turning 28 years old. I met him when he was 24 He has supported himself for most of his life. He is Muslim, and I am practicing, we would go to a mosque - but I personally don't believe in couples counseling. If we can't figure it out ourselves, I don't want to go to someone to help us. He goes to group to help deal with his anxiety and emotions....He knows life. He came here when he was 14 years...on his own. and lived on the street as well.... the things he has gone throu I can't believe he is still sane. But I know what I have to do. I just am having a hard time doing it. I do feel as if I am a parent and a girlfriend. He is the second man I've ever been with but the first I've ever really loved. I have never had someone take care of me...Not money wise. But if need a ride to the doctors or hospital OR I'm working all day and the place is clean and dinners ready. I have never gotten flowers from a man...can u believe that?!
I enjoy the little things. I don't need expensive things...but I'm a women...every women loves presents....but I don't expect. I'm a giver - i have been my whole life. And its turned out to be a curse in some ways.
If I have such a hard time letting go does that mean deep down I am not ready to let go?
Am I analazing things too much?
Thank you for talking.
I think you should get go of that man he is not getting you anywhere and you can't expect a relationship to work if its just one person trying. A relationship goes both ways. or. if you really want it to work sit him down and from book how you feel. my husband and I were having problems because we were not understanding each other and because it was ne having all the responsibility. he got a job now and ye is changing because he loves me. he suggested that we write down what we want from each other and we are sticking to it. why don't you try that with him if he doesn't want to try anything its because ye probably doesn't want the relationship to work. but you stand your ground and just let go.
Only you can make the decision that you feel is best for you. If you feel like you aren't ready to let go, then don't. This is your life, your choices, your relationship.
I think what you DO need to analyze, though, is what you think is best for YOU instead of sacrificing every choice you make by wondering how it will affect someone else. There is a time and place to have the right to be selfish.
Not too many years ago, I was faced with a similar predicament. I had been in a relationship with my first boyfriend for eight years--from ages 14 to 22. We'd had a child together at age 20. He had a lot of similar personality traits as your boyfriend: selfish, hot-tempered, argumentative, impatient, ego-centric, inconsiderate, insensitive, and in many aspect, just plain oblivious to my feelings and my needs. Over the years of our relationship, he really grew to be a mean-spirited person and by the time I was about 18, he'd become very controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive. But we had a long history together, and for many years, I did love him; he was my first love. I had a hard time letting go of that, which was all but a juvenile memory that was nothing more than puppy love, really--fairly innocent but completely immature and inexperienced with life. But I wanted that back, so I held on and tried to do everything to keep our relationship intact. Then I got pregnant (not intended), so that made me feel obligated to hang on to the relationship, like it was breaking a rule to want out and move on as a single mom with my child, despite by the point of having my son, my boyfriend was then so horrible to me that I had a restraining order against him due to him harassing and stalking me and threatening to kill himself if I didn't "give him a chance" to reconcile with me. He was very unstable during my pregnancy and our son's first year of life. Once that time passed, I accepted him back in a relationship--but NOT because I felt the same love or passion or committment to him anymore, but simply because I felt like I HAD to for our child, and that because I had a child with him, I deserved to have to deal with whatever he put me through because I shouldn't deny my child a two-parent home.
That worked for just under a year. Then the day came when he was so angry at me for some stupid argument that he started over me ordering the wrong Netflix DVD that I seriously felt that he was going to get physically abusive with me AND our child, because our son was scared and crying seeing his father scream in my face. That was my wake-up call that not only did I not deserve this, but my son definitely didn't.
After that defining point in my life, I felt more liberated than I'd ever been. I felt like I could make a fresh start and make better choices, choices that would make me happy and not regretful and would benefit my child. I actually made a hand-written list of everything I wanted in a relationship, which turned out to be 27 things. I told myself I would only compromise three if I ever met someone. I refused to ever be unhappy again or put my child through that fear again, even if it meant I'd be single the rest of my life, it would be worth it, because it was what I wanted, a choice I made that I knew was best for my life and my child's life.
A few months later, I met a wonderful man who, after getting to know him for a few months, happened to meet 26 of the 27 things on my list. I married him after we dated for two years. We have a 2½ year old son together and my oldest son has bonded with him more than his own father, and has called him Daddy from the day we got married (he wanted to call him that long before we got married). Next week, we'll be celebrating our three year anniversary and I couldn't be happier. He gets me flowers all the time, and the Starbucks coffees I like, and adores me and treats me like a queen. I feel like such a spoiled princess some days. He is the best father imaginable to our boys, too.
And I only found him because I had to take the step of doing what was best for me. I had to set my expectations to what I wanted instead of doing what I thought was a societal and religious obligation, and I had to let go of the guilt and fear I had of moving on for the sake of my own happiness and well-being. But there's not a day that goes by that I don't regret what I did. My life is exactly what I wanted it to be and more now.
That's just my story and experience. Each person and relationship is different, so no one can tell you what to do or how to feel about your relationship. Just know that it's not wrong to want peace and happiness for your life. It's not wrong to expect it, either.
I'm going to sit him down tonight. I deserve much more then the way he treats me. I don't feel like a special someone, I feel like every other women thats been in his life. I get insulted. He calls me names. etc.........
I do deserve better and I am sick of being treated like dirt. I'm nervous, I'm scared. I hope this time if I drive away I don't turn around....
THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH. Wish me peace...And I'll check in tomorrow.
Thank you EVERYONE.
Stephie, sometimes a reality check is the best advice, IMHO. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and this is just realizing you've made a bad decision and it's time to move on. In my opinion, sometimes very critically looking at a problem I'm facing, from a very reasonable viewpoint, is helpful.
To me, it's helpful. This isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to you, and there will be worse things you go through in the future after this. This is rough waters, and you'll get through it.
That's why these forums are public. Sometimes, that's EXACTLY the kind of statement that helps. A little perspective check.
Why are you continuing to put yourself last? Buying him socks and doing without your feminine hygiene products? Then, your mother has to buy them for you? He quits his job and you are working? Enough is enough.
Sorry dear, but you aren't in a relationship because it takes two people working and wanting to have a relationship together and this just doesn't exist for you. I am not sure what you would call this, but it isn't any relationship. Sounds like you are just taking care of this person; can't really call him any "man" because he is more like a boy or child. He is pretty much taking advantage of you.....using you.
I think you are fixated on the idea of wanting this to be a relationship and are waiting for it to happen and I HIGHLY doubt it will.
To add: sounds like he has a boatload of baggage trailing behind him too.
You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you and I would recommend not wasting it on misery and unhappiness with a guy. If he is unhappy too I would say it's time for you all to end this. Will it be easy? No. Is it necessary? Yes.
As you live longer you will better understand that in life there are not-so-easy decisions that you will have to make that will benefit you in the long run. That's a part of growing up and being an adult.
"Why is letting go THE HARDEST thing a human will go throu?" In my opinion, this is not the hardest thing a human will or can go through. It may be one of the many difficulties a person can have in life, but definitely not "the hardest." Live life long enough and you will see.
I'm not sure if there's a problem with the site but having read this discussion from start to end I'm concerned that the 'author' hasn't posted what happened since confronting her boyfriend. Simply out of concern for her, it would be reassuring to know that her life is going well now (I do hope). Amanda
Amanda, this post is from 2012 so is a year old. Sometimes people do not come back to update. Nature of the internet. But it is nice of you to be concerned. Feel free to stick around in the relationships forum to offer advise! peace