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Wife wont reduce spending
I didnt know where to post this. I think it is a "relationship" issue.
I cannot seem to get my wife to understand that we are out of money and that she has to cut back on spending. I go over the bills with her and show her that she is spending $300 / month on cosmetics (skin, hair, nails, etc..), plus $200-300 on clothing.
In the past we could get away with that kind of spending, but not any more. But she either wont stop or can't stop. I think it is a control issue (she needs to control something in the relationship). But I dont know how else to convey to her that we are sinking fast. Each month deeper into debt. And it is and will affect our relationship more and more as we become more financially stressed.
Does anyone have a good budget form that they can send me or a good web page?
I cannot seem to get my wife to understand that we are out of money and that she has to cut back on spending. I go over the bills with her and show her that she is spending $300 / month on cosmetics (skin, hair, nails, etc..), plus $200-300 on clothing.
In the past we could get away with that kind of spending, but not any more. But she either wont stop or can't stop. I think it is a control issue (she needs to control something in the relationship). But I dont know how else to convey to her that we are sinking fast. Each month deeper into debt. And it is and will affect our relationship more and more as we become more financially stressed.
Does anyone have a good budget form that they can send me or a good web page?
Sounds like your wife is stressed. Regardless, you are right when you say it will only get worse and then will destroy your relationship. C if you and she can agree on a weekly allowance for both of you. Personal spending money and then what is in the bank for the budget is off limits to you both unless it is a necessary expense. Sounds like you might be the one to pay those bills, at least for awhile.
It is very simple if you make the money prepare a budget give her so much and then you pay the bills never hand over your check to someone that goes overboard, soon with the economy like it is you will have nothing to live on . i had a sister in law that spent every dime her hubby made on stuped studd did not file the taxes, he thought the bill were paid, they ebded up in one heck of a mess. it is so simple watch your paycheck and make sure the money goes where it should. luck jo
Thank you for your above comments. I agree with everyone that the spending is mostly about something deeper. We went thru a bad patch last year. Things are definitely better than they were between us, but now she has started smoking "only after a drink" or "only in the evening" but I know she lies about how much she smokes cause she knows I dont like it. Our sex life is diminishing. It isnt dead but its not what it used to be.
I talk to her a lot about whatever is on my mind and ask her to talk to me. She says she thinks that things are back to normal with us. I dont agree.
I could go into detail about my analysis, but in brief she is very worried about loosing her looks as she ages (mid-life crisis). She is always looking for and buying the next "silver bullet" hair product or skin product to reduce wrinkles, acne, cellulite, age spots, etc... She is very good looking and I think she has depended on her looks all her life. I am sure she is worried about what will happen if / when she looses her looks. I tell her all the time that she is pretty, hot, beautiful, sexy, etc.... but maybe it doesnt sink in because its from me. That sounds stupid, but I think she needs it from other sources. I think the smoking is a rebellion and a flash back to her teenage years when she smoked. The clothing from Abercrombe & Fitch or Victoria Secret fits her well but is a young girls brand.
I would like her to speak to a psychologist. I dont know if she will do it because I have asked her to do it once already. She didnt say no but she didnt say yes. We tried the marraige counseling thing a few months ago but ran out of money and in hindsight we are both not sure if it worked for us.
To be honest, I'm scared to give her an ultimatum on the spending. I have seen how well (read - poorly) that has worked for me with her in the past. I feel like we are headed for more problems if she wont work these issues out but I cannot force her.
:(
I talk to her a lot about whatever is on my mind and ask her to talk to me. She says she thinks that things are back to normal with us. I dont agree.
I could go into detail about my analysis, but in brief she is very worried about loosing her looks as she ages (mid-life crisis). She is always looking for and buying the next "silver bullet" hair product or skin product to reduce wrinkles, acne, cellulite, age spots, etc... She is very good looking and I think she has depended on her looks all her life. I am sure she is worried about what will happen if / when she looses her looks. I tell her all the time that she is pretty, hot, beautiful, sexy, etc.... but maybe it doesnt sink in because its from me. That sounds stupid, but I think she needs it from other sources. I think the smoking is a rebellion and a flash back to her teenage years when she smoked. The clothing from Abercrombe & Fitch or Victoria Secret fits her well but is a young girls brand.
I would like her to speak to a psychologist. I dont know if she will do it because I have asked her to do it once already. She didnt say no but she didnt say yes. We tried the marraige counseling thing a few months ago but ran out of money and in hindsight we are both not sure if it worked for us.
To be honest, I'm scared to give her an ultimatum on the spending. I have seen how well (read - poorly) that has worked for me with her in the past. I feel like we are headed for more problems if she wont work these issues out but I cannot force her.
:(
Financial issues can destroy marriages and I have to agree with everyone else. Women tend to overshop when something is going on in their lives. I know, because when I use to get depressed, shopping always made everything better. I think it's time to lay the law with the finances and retrieve credit cards, until a more stable financial situation and tell her that causual shopping is going to have to stop, until you are in a financial situation that will permit the extra spending. Work out a budget together and stick to that budge. Talk with a financial counselor to budget your finances for now and have to stick to the plan. Good luck.
I agree with peaceinknowing. I think your wife is unhappy and is trying to fill some sort of need with the shopping. I think you all really need to talk and maybe see a counselor. A counselor can not only help your marriage but also help you both work out a budget, etc. Sometimes it's just good to involve a third person.
It sounds to me like there are other underlying issues at hand when it comes to the relationship you're currently in with your wife. Please don't view my words as an attack, but see them as me attempting to open your eyes a little bit more to what's going on.
We've all been there when it comes to spending too much too frequently. It sounds like your wife has absolutely no control and this can sometimes come from not being happy. I am a woman, so I am merely trying to give you my outlook on things, as this isn't uncommon -- Espcially now, with the economy the way that it is. I'm not sure if sitting down with your wife for what seems like on a daily basis to go over a budget will help you with any of this. Try telling her that she is cut off completely and see how she reacts then. If she asks you "what your problem is" with her, then just be honest and tell her that this isn't something that can be done. Not only that, but I have to be honest with you... I have never had to replace my make-up every single month. Are you more than positive that this is what she is spending the money on, or is this just what she is telling you. I wear make-up everyday that I work, which is six days a week. Even the smallest bottles and/or containers of make-up last me well over eight weeks or more, and this I am being completely honest with you about. Even shampoo and conditioner, that sort of thing. There sounds like to me that there is something else underlying here that we aren't getting the full spectrum of, if that makes sense.
We've all been there when it comes to spending too much too frequently. It sounds like your wife has absolutely no control and this can sometimes come from not being happy. I am a woman, so I am merely trying to give you my outlook on things, as this isn't uncommon -- Espcially now, with the economy the way that it is. I'm not sure if sitting down with your wife for what seems like on a daily basis to go over a budget will help you with any of this. Try telling her that she is cut off completely and see how she reacts then. If she asks you "what your problem is" with her, then just be honest and tell her that this isn't something that can be done. Not only that, but I have to be honest with you... I have never had to replace my make-up every single month. Are you more than positive that this is what she is spending the money on, or is this just what she is telling you. I wear make-up everyday that I work, which is six days a week. Even the smallest bottles and/or containers of make-up last me well over eight weeks or more, and this I am being completely honest with you about. Even shampoo and conditioner, that sort of thing. There sounds like to me that there is something else underlying here that we aren't getting the full spectrum of, if that makes sense.
I think this goes much deeper than simply needing to show her a budget form, because from what you've said, you've already gone over your budget with her. Did she seem to comprehend what you were telling her and showing her? Did she agree with you to cut down on the spending at that point?
If so, then like you said, she has a problem, like an addiction or a control issue as you mentioned. She will need professional counseling, and you two could probably go together, since finances affect you both in this relationship.
Has she expressed to you why she feels the *need* to buy this stuff? What is her reason for spending so much and thinking nothing of it, even after you've brought up your concerns to her?
If so, then like you said, she has a problem, like an addiction or a control issue as you mentioned. She will need professional counseling, and you two could probably go together, since finances affect you both in this relationship.
Has she expressed to you why she feels the *need* to buy this stuff? What is her reason for spending so much and thinking nothing of it, even after you've brought up your concerns to her?
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