Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[carrie135]

Thank you, for me as right now I  need one more semester to finished my NP and then i plan to relocated to another part of the state I'm in, not looking for anyone, just dedicated to my sons and my career and I'm happy, thank you

[specialmom]

Hi carrie, this is an old post.  Hopefully once you were suspicious that he was still married ---  you chose to see him for what he is (a man of very low character that lies and takes advantage of people).  People like that are not worthy of your time.  

I do know that some women take some time to realize when someone is married if they've been charmed and are lied to by a skilled low character person.  You can't help that.  It's what you do with the information.  Glad to hear you left him!  good luck and hope you find the 'right' relationship at some point!!

[carrie135]

I've been divorced for four years now and not because of cheating, we were married for 17 years, we have three sons, and we felt out of love. We just didn't love each other anymore. I divorced and moved to another state with my two younger boys, my oldest joined the military. One year after my divorced I met a man that I thought was the nicest man in the world, we were together for two years, during these two years he cheated, lied and stole money from me, when I discovered who he really was, I walked away with my heart into a million pieces, but I survived like I had done in the past, I decide to go back and get my Nurse Practitioner, there I met a very nice man who was about to retired from the navy. At this point I really didn't wanted to get involved with anyone, but he keep on insisting to go out with him. He would leave roses in my car, nice notes, email me love letters. I even blocked him, yet he would look for me at University and at the hospital I worked, bring me lunch until all my friends keep telling me to give myself a chance, he told me he was divorced. I gave him a chance and five months into our relationship I found out he is married with three kids. I knew of his kids but he said he was divorced, I cared for him and I left him the minute he told me that his divorced was almost final but that he was still at his family house. I should had suspected because I never went to his house because we were always busy yet I had the address, that he provided to me. he continues to come and says he loves me.With him everything was so nice, he would open the door of the car, always found time text me and talk, lunch or dinner and it wasn't only sex it was companion, friends, and someone you could truly trust, he even ask me to move in with him many times but I wanted to finished my NP first. I'm tell the story of the other woman not the wife, but if I knew he was married, I would had never accepted him, and I never meant to hurt a wife.

[swungtime]

All of you who stay with your husbands are pathetic....let him go have the ******. I let mine & haven't regretted it a day since. There is life after the cheating *******. There is a career, and a new man waiting for you. Get off your ***, stop making excuses for the sorry SOB and GO GET YOUR LIFE BACK!

[KatieKat96]

wow,I agree with this comment so much.I believe she shouldn't forgive him though,since he could have the guts to again,and shouldn't have in the first place,but everything else,very much.Sex and all that is just a small thing truly,and doesn't last forever,loving each other and being like best friends DOES and should last forever,and be the most important always(:

[KatieKat96]

Wow.I am so sorry,that's horrible.No one should deserve to go through that kind of pain.I am not going to say what other people will try say,to forgive and forget,go to counseling,things with you two will get better,all that blah blah,no..It seems you have done nothing wrong.And forgive and forget may apply to other mistakes,but in my opinion,cheating is DEFINITELY,not a forgive and forget.People can change from other mistakes,but if they have the guts to cheat once,they can have the guts to do it again.Maybe they won't,but,it's highly likely they could.If he really truly loved you,and cares about you,and your marriage,and only you,he wouldn't have.I am a Pagan,and do not believe in Christianity,but I have morals,I know what is right and wrong.If he wants to sleep with a young,pretty woman,then he really should have thought about commitment and love before ever getting married.Marriage is difficult.There are many rough times,very good times,etc etc.He is supposed to love YOU no matter what,through all of it.Was it over sex?To me,that is ridiculous.Sure,sex is fun in marriages,but,it shouldn't mean everything.Too many people are blinded the past,hmmm.60-70 years?They think it means everything,and that is more important than it really is.Sex is not a bad thing,and like I said,can be a fun activity in relationships,but it shouldn't be the most important,not even close.Too many people these days cheat,divorce,become unhappy,and ruin everything over it.Idk,it just depends on the people.but,the people they supposedly love,they are willing to throw everything they had with that person away,over wanting to be pleasured.How selfish.Love is no place to be selfish.Where are the days when people loved each other and stuck with each other through everything?NO MATTER WHAT?It's obvious those days are gone,and it's sick to see...But hun,you are great for not stooping to his level.Honestly though,it's obvious you are very hurt,and you don't deserve to be feeling like this.If it was a small problem,unlike cheating,then I think it could be resolved of course,but,to me,cheating is something unforgivable,if he loved you and only you,he should have never considered it.Any one can control themselves in that situation,no matter what excuse they use,he just chose not to,and you deserve better than a man who after as long as you have been together,would do something so hurtful like that to you..you could file for divorce,take time to heal,and meet a guy who really respects you,cares about you for you,and would never even imagine doing something like that to you.You just have to be strong enough to do it,I know you can do it(: Plus,I am sure you are gorgeous,and instead of stooping to his level,and remaining the better person,you obviously are a good person and have morals.Even if this girl is young and pretty,she is immediately less attractive because to have a married man cheat on his own wife with her,it's obvious she isn't a very good person,which is quite ugly.Anyways,to wrap things up,I know it hurts very bad,and it will for a long time,but,you can be strong,and go out there and find the man you deserve,not this guy,who threw 21 years together over a young woman.That is ridiculous.You deserve SO much better.I hope you feel a lot better though<33