Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Workplace relationships

So, I became a team lead at my job back in April. Since then it has been a roller coaster ride trying to learn how to deal with each individual team member. I was hired on with the ones that are now under me. I do feel like this is alot of the issue. Still the feedback I am getting from my manager is that I come off as Consending and make them feel be-little. I truly dont mean to come off this way and dont see how I am coming off in this manner. I would love to correct the issues and make them feel more comfortable with me.

Today I am going to have a meeting with one of the main team members that just doesnt like my approach and feels this way to see if I can figure out a better approach. Still I would love any advice or any information on how I maybe coming off as Condesending.

My personality is I just want to help everyone, get along with everyone, and honestly I am an open book. I guess that is not what the vibe I give off...Well any help would be great. Thanks.
4 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
207091 tn?1337709493
Obviously, we don't know you, so we can't tell you how it is you are coming across as condescending, but maybe some of this will help.

Someone in my life wants to help all the people, too. What happens is that she ends up treating everyone like her kids. She explains things we already know as adults, steps in to do everything for us - stuff like that. This is a personal relationship, not professional, so it's probably a bit different than if I worked with her, but it's irritating.

Anything you tell her, she wants to solve it for you. If you casually say, "Oh I wonder what time the store closes," she is googling it and tells you. If you tell her you have a headache, she is googling causes of headaches, and then telling you all the things you should be doing to prevent and treat them. She inserts herself into everything, and wants to "help". The result is that we have to be very careful what we tell her, because everything has the potential of becoming a 30 minute lecture about it.

Ask your team what they need from you. Maybe they don't need you stepping in all the time. Maybe they want weekly or bi-weekly check ins, or will come to you with questions when needed, and feel like your micromanaging. Ask them, and then give it to them, if possible. No one likes to be micromanaged.

You were hired with them. It's hard sometimes for people to go from peers to a managerial relationship. But they were hired because they are capable. Let them prove that to you.

Helpful - 0
3 Comments
Thanks. I am hoping to get the opportunity to learn more of what they desire from me. Currently most of them tune me out. The hardest part is I didn't expect for this position to be what it is.

The description was auditing calls making outreaches myself and helping with process and training. It has turned into checking to ensure policies aren't being broken ensuring everyone stays in task and basically being a full manager when mine steps away. It is slot. I just want to do good and ensure the team succeeds.
Oh so it is a call center - yes, that's a tough industry, and often involves a lot of micro-managing.

How long have you had the position? Remember that there you will still be learning - I've had my job for years, and every day, I learn something new about it. Just be open to feedback, and let your supervisor know what you need from her, too.

Don't be too hard on yourself, either. You'll figure it out. :)
Thanks It is similar to call center, we make outbooutbound calls to members in need.
134578 tn?1614729226
I don't know how you come off at work, but here is how you sound in this post (the parts in parentheses).

"I was hired on with the ones that are now under me. I do feel like this is alot of the issue." (You couldn't be creating this, it is the others' fault for not adjusting to you in a slightly elevated role.)  "Still the feedback I am getting from my manager is that I come off as Consending and make them feel be-little. I truly dont mean to come off this way and dont see how I am coming off in this manner." (You disagree with this assessment, your manager is wrong in saying you come off that way.) "I would love to correct the issues and make them feel more comfortable with me. " (You can't "make" people feel anything, you have to behave in such a way that they do feel that way.)

If the result of how you interact is that your coworkers feel belittled and condescended to, it is genuinely how they feel. You can't argue them out of it or say that is not your intention, that is how they are receiving what you are putting out. It sounds like you are being a little heavy-handed for the situation. Maybe the role you see for yourself when the manager steps away (as policeman and "full manager") is not even what you are being asked to do. If so, maybe nobody with authority (above you) has told your co-workers.

Clarify with your manager what it is that you are supposed to be doing when the boss steps away, and explain what you have been doing, and see what your manager thinks about that. You might not have been given official or psychological permission by the situation to act that way. If your manager wants you to be acting that way, he or she should get in and tell the workers that you are supposed to be doing it. But it is quite possible your manager doesn't want you to be acting that way. Ask what your promotion means if you aren't supposed to be policing everyone. You might be surprised.
Helpful - 0
4 Comments
Thanks this was helpful. My manager did say that she wants me to police the team. She said she had to explain to me that is part of the role I was given.

She also said it seems to be more personality differences. She can see why they feel the way they do. She also sees that I am good hearted and don't mean it that way.

Hopefully after meeting with the two I am today I can hear their side of it and feel better. I want to be proactive and have tried but seem to get somewhere and then the next moment I slide backward. I know I need to change some of my ways but it is hard.

I feel misunderstood and not given a chance. I have tried asking how they want me to approach them and most say I am fine. Their actions show differently and the feedback they give the manager.
If it helps, ask them for examples of times they felt that way. Ask them what would have worked better for them. You can't always give them what they want - employees can't sit around and play on the internet all day, for example, but if you need to correct or guide them, they should be able to tell you what works for them so that you can all come out of it feeling okay.

"Police your team" - I don't know where you work, and don't need to know, but that doesn't sound like a productive way to lead a team. Are they on lockdown? Do they have to ask for permission to go to the bathroom? I know in some industries, leaving your station means things aren't covered, like retail or call centers, but I think the best managers lead by guiding and not acting like everyone is in the military.

You are probably being misunderstood. Make sure they know they can be honest with you, and that as long as it's constructive criticism, you'll be open to hearing it.
Thanks for that advice. That is what I did in my meeting with the most difficult. I explained that if wall up and my approach is incorrect to do what I am asking and then calm and then let me know how I could improve. That I am working on my approach as well. Still I ask she respects me and does her job.
It's really not so much on you to tell others to calm down, it's on your manager to tell the others that you are in charge. They won't feel like listening if you are the only one saying you have this authority. It has to come from higher up.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi!  Isn't it funny how we THINK we are acting one way and then people SEE us a differently.  It's probably a little frustrating.  And confusing.  I think there are sites that talk about different types of styles to have as a manager and ones to NOT have.  LOL  I know this because I once had a manager that I was flabbergasted by and I started to read why they were the way they were!  

Anyway, check this out:  https://www.allbusiness.com/the-seven-types-of-managers-where-do-you-stand-10207093-1.html

It's a balancing act.  

How are your people skills over all?  Do you know that body language accounts for 80 percent of how others perceive you?  Here's an article about body language in the work place. https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/9469-body-language-workplace-communication.html  

I'm all up in this subject!  lol  I have a son that I've looked up different things just like this for because he feels misunderstood often by his peers. How are your peer relationships?  

I had a job once in which it involved meeting with strangers, making them NOT strangers, building rapport and making them LIKE me so they'd do things for me.  It was a learning experience!  lol  I found if I made people feel good in a genuine way, that it often resulted in a better relationship. This doesn't mean s ucking up or being inauthentic.  I sincerely can pretty much find good things about any person and then focus on them.  Look for their strengths and highlight them.  Build trust this way.  

You sound very in tune to WANTING to do a good job and I love that about you.  :>))
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Thank you for your response. It is crazy because after getting all the feedback from my manager I did the research to. I found an articule on consending people and how their childhoods play a big part in why they are like they are. It was a harsh blow for me because alot of what can cause it, I experienced when I was younger. In the article it points out these people may find themselves having to play parent role at a young age or having to care for their parents. Which both is true for me. I took care of my mom because she was bi-polar and tended to my younger brother so he didnt have to face as much of the challenges that I did.

You asked how my peer relationships are and that is a hard one. I tend to get along with the younger generation and the older generation but those my age I struggle with. I feel truly misunderstood and while my intentions are good...the way I come off must not be what I intended.

Thanks for the advise and I will look at those pages you provided. It is a balancing act, and hopefully I can help make it a more balanced work place.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
How is it going SeizureAdvocate?  Have you been able to work through any of this?
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
So we came up with some team building activities and I let the team know how hard it was correcting them. Everything seems to be going better truly only time will tell. Thanks for checking in.
I'm so glad it is going better and hope it stays that way!!
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.