Young married couple - possible infedelity

[digzee]

I've known my now wife since 2006. Im and 34 and she is 27. I met her at my work when she was on her traveling/working visa but no feelings were there, to me she was just a traveler on a visa.
She returned to Europe in 2007 and we kept in contact every now and then  on FB.

To cut a long story short...
In 2008 our contact via FB and email started to pick up and we got to know each other a lot better and started developing feelings for each other.  We then began dating... she came to visit me on two occasion and i went to visit her on one occasion.

Before we knew it we got engaged in Dec 2009 and she returned on Feb 2010 on prospective marriage visa.

We got married on may 2010 and have been married ever since.

I love here deeply and we both feel that its genuine love.

However in Feb 2011 i stumbled upon some correspondence from her ex lover as she accidentally left her email open on my lap top.

I knew that i shouldn't have looked but curiosity got the better of me. Reading the emails really broke my heart, she spoke to him like i didn't even exist, and that the whole thing was like a holiday. She wrote so intimately to him and expresses that she desires to be with him.

I confronted her and she broke down in tears, she tells me that it was an ex lover that contacted her before she came to be with me on her prospective Visa and she feels confused. I said to her you need to choose, I cant share you with another person. Its either me or him, i find it so perplexing because she such a good human being genuine and honest.

She promised to break all contact with him - i sent him an email as well stating that she does not want contact him anymore and to leave us alone - the guy apologized profusely and promised not to contact her again, he also stated that it takes 2 to tango and its not entirely him.


In recent weeks Ive notice that she has become distant and we argue over simple things. and we bare make love (once a month) I asked her if things are OK, she tells me that she loves me dearly so much and that she wouldn't know what she would do without me.


Two weeks ago i logged into my Hotmail account and realized that she forgot to log out - it went straight to her inbox and there were letters from the same guy dating back 3 weeks ago. One of the emails from her states that she wants make love to him, and wants to see him when she returns to Europe to visit her family in September.

I know i should have snooped but i could help it when it fell in front of my face.

I don't know how to confront her, How can she tell me she loves me to death while she talks to him behind my back.

I love her and don't want to let her go, but there no point for either of us to be in a relationship with big trust issues and potential infidelity.

To me it feels like I'm the nice guy that she can fall to when she needs emotional support, hugs and kisses etc. and the other guy fuels her fire with adventure and newness - he seems like a world traveler as well.

Upset and confused- what do i do
Please help

[kendalmintcake]

Omg, what a con artist.  That's not betrayal, that's using.  You got used by her for visa mate!  I have to be blunt out of caring for you.  

Let's put this in perspective, honestly - so sorry to put it this way, but here is how I would view this...

        To her you are a piece of paper

End of story.  

Her fear of losing you is about fear of losing the visa - sorry mate, that is tough!

[vintagequeen]

Kudos for confronting this woman!! I know it isn't easy hun. I am not convinced she will stop contacting this man. She has lied to you before by secretively talking romantically to this other man. Let her go back to Europe. This woman clearly does NOT know the meaning of love. When you love another person, you do NOT betray them this way. You have given her ample opportunities to stop contacting this man. She failed. She reacted the way she did because she was caught. She has already promised you a while back that she would not be conversing with this other person... But she did. You cannot trust this woman, so there really is no relationship there. I am so sorry! You didn't deserve this, but it really is a blessing in disguise. Thank goodness you two didn't have children to complicate things further.

This is only my opinion, of course the ultimate decision is yours and yours alone. I do wish you happiness in whatever your decision may be.

~VQ

PS all of these ladies are so wise and give such wonderful advice.. You have got a lot of support hun! Keep us informed if you don't mind

[shell921]

of course you are confused. you have gotten a lot of good advice from people here. i think perhaps you need a separation so you can sort things out. live apart for awhile. if you decide to "try again" with her then she will have to EARN your trust. i am sorry for your pain. it's awful to discover you have been betrayed. but get some distance between you so you can get clarity.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I think You made a VERY GOOD MOVE in the sense that She KNOWS You will not tolerate infidelity.  We teach people how to treat us and Your message is clear.  NO CHEATING
  
Next, I would say that in my own case, the cheating never ended and I wish I had been able to leave 15 YEARS before I did, and today I would never tolerate unfaithfulness for 30 seconds - but, that being said, there are people on this forum who have decided to stay and try to mend their relationship.  (but they pay a HUGE price to do so)

If You make the choice to stay with Her, You have to realize the trust issue has FOREVER changed things and Your relationship WILL change and be different because of it.  It will be very hard for BOTH of You to live with the distrust that this has brought to Your marriage.  Some make it through, others do not.

[specialmom]

I agree with Londres.  Dear, you deserve a woman that wants no one but you.  She's been unfaithful in her heart to you and she got the wake up call when you found out the first time.  She didn't stop then.  She can go to wherever this guy is or wherever she needs to but that is not  your problem.  do not get wrapped up in trying to fix this situation for her.  You've wanted nothing but for this relationshiip to be sincere and to work out.  she ruined it.  

Send her home and do not have regret.  With your kind disposition, you will find someone worthy, I am sure.  But you have to demand and expect those in your llife to teat you well and with respect.  Please work on this and start now with this woman.  good luck

[Londres70]

So sorry for what has happened.  It is understandable that this is all confusing to you and that you don't know what to make of it.  Glad you were able to release most of this tension that had been building inside of you.  

Don't feel too sorry for her because she did this to herself.  It is obvious she is or was addicted to this guy in Europe and couldn't let him go.  That's why I was thinking she deliberately left the emails for you to see so that you would know.  I believe she wanted to get caught; she wanted it all out.  

I am sure you still love her deeply and this hurts like crazy, but trust is the basic foundation of any relationship and once that is broken it is very difficult to recapture.  Being that this marriage started this way I would see nothing but further problems for you and her down the road.  She should have stopped the first time she was confronted.  I wouldn't give her another chance to do this again.  

Let her go back to Europe and just be done with this for your own sanity.  If you stay with her, you will always be worried about if she is doing "this or that" again.  

[digzee]

Thanks for your comments guys,

So yesterday after a long and restless day at work, I got home a put the printed email conversations on her lap as she was typing on her laptop.
i told her that this is it and I don't want to be in the relationship anymore.
I cannot love a person who love 2 people. I'm not Erica Berger's husband from Stig Larssons Mellenium series.

I told her that i felt betrayed and that i could not trust her anymore.
She was in shock, and confessed to everything. i packed a few belongings and told her that i was going to stay at my sisters place and that she has 2 weeks to pack her stuff and leave.

She would left me leave the bed room and tried to black my exit.
i told her i needed some time to think.

Today she tells me that she rang him and told him that she does not want to talk to him ever gain and deleted his contact. She said she was glad that i found the emails because now the affair has stopped. She seems devastated about the whole affair (no pun intended). She want to work it through.

It really hit her like a ton of bricks yesterday because she wasn't expecting that kind of a reaction. Such a burden was lifted from my chest.

One part of me feels sad because i still love her and another part says is she genuinely regretful for loosing me or is she upset because shes stuck in another country with no support together with the logistical nightmare of moving back to EU.

I'm at work now and haven't slept for 24hrs
Still confused.

[specialmom]

Hi, well I agree that you certainly sound like a nice guy and a good catch for someone.  In reading the history of your relationship---  so much of it was long distance that I wonder how well you really got to know this woman,  The fact is, she's been lying to you.  She's got someone else that she is emotionally connected to.  Regardless of what she tells you, this is a fact.  

I'm sad for you as I can tell you wanted this to work and to have nothing but a loving relationship with her.  I am afraid that the writing is on the wall that she is not able to have that kind of relationship with you at this time.

This would be a deal breaker for me.  As long as you've been together and the verbal commitments that you've made-----  you are beyond needing to worry about who she is emailing that she wants to make love to.  and yet, that is what she is doing in her spare time.

You deserve better.  Confronting her is the wrong word in my opinion.  You just tell her you are done and she hasn't been truthful with you.  You gave her a second chance already.  The other guy was exactly right----  it definately takes two to tango and 'your' partner is dancing with him.  

I think you should make a clean break of it.  I really do and then you are free to find someone that will give their ENTIRE heart to you and wouldn't dream of having a side relationship.  good luck and I am very very sorry this happened.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I SO agree with with ku111.

Quit apologizing for reading Her e-mails.  Committed people hide nothing and have nothing to hide.

Whatever comes of this, She has blown it on the trust issue.  I wish You well but if You retain/maintain the marriage, You are both in for a long ride.  It will probably make or break the relationship.

good luck

[Londres70]

I am sure your trust for her is pretty much nonexistent at this point.  She is continuing to lie and do this behind your back.  I am not sure if she is "marriage material."  Plus, she is disconnecting from you.  Perhaps you aren't finding this correspondence by accident, but that she is DELIBERATELY leaving it in your reach/sight.  

I would be having another serious talk with her about how she is making you feel and that if she continues on with this nonsense that you can't continue living in such a manner and will move on WITHOUT her.  

See if she is ok with trying couples' therapy if you have enough energy to keep dealing with this and if you love her that much.    

Sounds like you are tired of her shenanigans and you are ready to give her the boot.  I wouldn't blame you if you took that route.  You all haven't been married that long and have no children.  I would just assume divorce her and send her back to Europe.  

[ku111]

I have been married for 20 years and you keep apologizing for finding emails and correspondence.  No apology!  I feel when you are married it is an open book!  My husband has the passwords to everything and that's fine.  There is nothing to hide.  You sound very nice and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.  She needs to make a decision and stick to it.  No lies, no secrets.  I know how much you love her but if this continues you will lose a little more and a little more.  Don't forget who you are and what values you stand for.  MANY women are looking for a guy just like you!  I wish you both the very best in whatever the decision.  Just remember, it doesn't matter what you do you can't make someone stay and it shouldn't be that much work to want someone to love you.  That's the easy part of a marriage.  I love my husband very much (obviously) but I will never fight for his affection over anyone else.  It's me or it's not me.  We both agree we have something pretty good here (usually LOL!) and if it ever changes then life is too short to be unhappy.  I wish you both the very best and hope you guys can get through this bump.  Goodluck.

[vintagequeen]

Ouch!! That was very painful to read indeed. She has definitely given you no reason to trust her. She married you, not this ex-lover. I respect nice guys, as they seem to be hard to find. But, you do need to confront your wife. She and this other man promised not to be in contact with one another and what happens? Three weeks later they are in correspondence with each other.. Talking intimately (expressing how she wants to make love to him, while she is only making love to you once a month?)
I would highly suggest you confront her. She needs to know that you will NOT put up with this nonsense. How dare her treat you this way, like you are clueless! I am sorry this is happening, but you need to nip it in the bud now. You warned her once already and she showed that she does NOT respect your feelings, otherwise she would NOT be engaging in such a conversation with this other man.
She wouldn't know what she'd do without you, huh? Well for one.. she wouldn't have a visa to live in the U.S. and she would be back in Europe. Put your foot down and tell her that it is either YOU, the man SHE married.. or this other man. When you love someone, you do not act as dishonorable as she is.

I wish you luck and happiness in whatever you choose to do

~VQ