a little insight, please.....

[psyvamp]

April 24th 2011, Sunday....massive issues today-- no blow ups, just resurfacing of major issues. found DD17's book, opened and started to read-- looked innocent enough to begin with-- but shocked to find it was just pre out- soft core written PORN! trashed it-- burnt all her books like that-- no made her do it.
can't get away from this crap anyway anywhere anytime!  Decided since we were 'cleaning out" I'd get rid of a bunch of my stuff too-- journals-- everything I'd found, printed, history logs from PC ( hubby's) etc regarding my mental state, porn our problems-- everything. He decided to pitch in-- burned all his old pics of XW & XGF before me..... It felt like a good cleansing.... I wasn't angry or anything-- just wanted and needed to let go somehow of the rest of the past that keeps hurting me somehow.. I even broke down and told DH about all my life crap-- the XH of my mother who'd molested me, my Xh's ( both their) abuse, my heartbreak over losing my Fiance, and how that happened... about my DD and DS-- and the abuse they went thru with my XH... everything.... I felt lighter for awhile.........

now, today- May 2nd, 2011, I am angry at the world! hate myself, feel so cold and distant-- emotionless... distracted... thoughts of sex disgust me. even with my DH, whom I love immensely... So disconnected since last week's confessions...... angry, lost, alone, disgusted- disconnected in every way. Don't even want to be near him physically!   WHY ? WHY ? WHY ??

Is it because of some trigger last week's cleansing and confessions has set off?  Why do I feel so cold? near emotionless, except for negative ones... Why Why Why ? ? ? ? ?

*BTW... posted same under PTSD Forum... waasn't quite sure wher I'd get best /most responses...

[seattlemom2plus]

You are not rambling at all by all means :D  It's very hard in this day and time when everyone as a family unit is focusing on "making" it for their family and working.  A lot of people are spending more time at their work than at their relationships or even with family.  When in the end the only thing that matters is the unit or the bond that committed you both in the first place.  And I don't think this is just you but a lot of families--- perhaps that's one of the causes of break ups in a marriage.  Instead of focusing on our commitments to one another we become side tracked with work and fail to retain that balance that once was important to us.

Definitely glad you brought that up because there are many others that encounter this same issue and fail to work through it or even recognize it.  Maybe what would be fun is to have a date night again?  It can even be at home and just simple, but something where you both agree to make a commitment to have fun and spend time with one another.

[psyvamp]

Hi! You know...It's not always that smooth & easy though-- we struggle often, with scars and issues from both our pasts, with new issues and barely -healed but still painful wounds from recent events... with our own individual internal demons that have nothing to do with the other-- but puts us each in a sour enough mood that it affects us both-- and thus our relationship at the same time-- usually unknowingly, as well-- until something builds up to a breaking point and we- or one of us- realizes "hey-- something's wrong here"... and says or does something about it... i for hate when it gets to that point-- but so often that's how things end up-- with both of us working full-time plus outside the home ( I'm a nurse and commute 100m RT a day) he is a driver/heavy equipment operator for a oil/gas well service company-- and often , no 97% of the time-- puts in 16+ hours a day... works a 15 on/6 off rotation, now) a 17 year old daughter at home, shared/split custody of my 12 year old Son with my XH.... the list goes on and on.... It's easy-- way too easy to get caught up in the day to day stresses and let little things cause not-so-little problems between us... same for most people, I'm sure... It's been a long few weeks for me.... work has pretty much taken precedence for awhile, I'm tired, we've had flooding, tornadoes... I'm vying for a major promotion at work.... Dear hubby is off tonight on a last minute flight ( for work) to another state-- 24 hours drive away, to pick up another big rig piece of equipment to drive back home.... I miss him. And--- I'm obviously rambling.... LOL!!!  Sorry. . . .  just trying to say-- thru it all-- we are both working harder at "us" and communicating things more readily.  I'm blessed, with this Man-- that I know... though some days I know I take him for granted-- and let myself be misguided in judgement or thought processing by my own fears and haunts from the past.... just the beginning of the long and sometimes arduous journey of our life joined as one in love....

[seattlemom2plus]

That's a great update and one of the reasons I love being married.  It's your best friend and I think it's great that you were able to sit down and talk to each other about how you feel and what is going on inside.  It knocks down the wall and creates a road.  Thanks so much for coming back and updating us.

[psyvamp]

thank you , all...everyone has very valid points, I appreciate your support... Sometimes-- just letting out-- and getting impartial input and views from others-- can make a lot of difference in how I see things-- because no 2 views are alike, and each will have different and good points... I am surviving... Feeling better slowly... DH and I were able to discuss some of the issues-- and look at what might have had the most impact and why... It was also good for us, with that, we were able to see more into each other's 'ways' of viewing things-- he learned more empathy and respect for my actions/reactions and i am learning-- trying to learn how to deal with this things better internally so that I can express them better externally.... It's gonna be a long process... but at least one that we will share.....

[seattlemom2plus]

I wanted to mention too, what you did with a cleansing like this is bound do leave you with the same impact of life trauma.  You go through it first and "feel" it later.  Keep talking about it.  If you feel angry, identify that emotion.  If you feel sad, identify that emotion.  Once you let your feelings out and see what they are you will be able to move past this phase and move on with more clarity in hand.  Keep posting it helps :D

[ChitChatNine]

It definitely stirs up emotions and about 2 weeks later sounds about right for the emotions to start to be felt..

Keep us updated and just remember, you may be feeling the feelings associated with what you cleansed .. not how you feel today.

C~

[seattlemom2plus]

Wow it took a lot of guts to do what you did with cleansing!  When we throw something away or even destroy them it is such a freedom and a sign of letting go.

I did this too about 5 years ago and although I did feel a sense of grief, anger and everything else lol--- every day got better though.  I think its normal to give yourself a little grieving time.  If someone had passed away, you probably would not feel affectionate either.  I would be patient with yourself and just be honest with your husband.  This could actually wind up bringing you closer together.  Keep us updated.

[brice1967]

I'd suggest that finally "letting go" is what's triggered these recent emotions.  From what I've learned in therapy, the things we've held onto for so long are for our protection.  Keeping those things bottled up allows us to recall upon all of them in situations where we feel stressed.... for our protection.  (Like to not allow us to go down that road again...)  It gets a bit confusing, but my therapist explained it this way....

We tend to store things in our memory that have caused us pain and joy.  Some of the painful things we stored get attached to other things that we are not so necessarily sure of, making the two things similar.  Our ego/psyche recalls these things and we sub-consciously call upon those things to help guide us.  Although some things aren't that similar, they "may" have a similar outcome.... it's just a protective device.

I'd suggest reflecting back on why you decided to let those things go now, but do it positively.  "I let go because it is time for me to move past this, and for me to get control over my life."  (Whatever fits for you)  Then reflect on that light feeling you had.  That feeling, of feeling light, was because you had begun to let go of all of the weight that you've been carrying.

Are you seeing a therapist for any of this?  That is a great start if you aren't there already.  If you are there already, start to let go.  It's hard to do, but you have to incorporate the good feelings you had when you initially dumped those bad feeling that you had held on to for so long.

Just think of the small victories, and celebrate them.  When something less than good pops up, realize it, rationalize it... put it away in a healthy manner and then move forward.  Also remember too, and I hope this helps, we can really only control ourselves.  If someone says something that conjures up a bad memory, chances are they didn't do it to you!  Realize that, and then try to move forward while understanding that you cannot control what comes out of the other persons mouth or what they are thinking.  It takes a while to master these things, and with me, its still a work in progress.... but things are so much better than they were.

I am sorry you had to go through all of the things you went through.  This will get easier in time when you give it the proper attention.  Talk with a therapist, remember the things that are useful that you pick up from these forums, and remember the things that have worked in the past.  You can do this, and you are on the right track.  It takes a pretty brave person to stand and deal with their problems.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Oh, your post made me really sad.  I"m sorry a thousand times over for what you've been through.  You've had more than your share dear and I'm sure there are emotions locked away, pouring out, anger, hurt, sadness, etc.  When we've had a traumatic event (S) such as being molested and abused----------  this WILL affect us later on.  It shows itself in all kinds of ways.  A common one, a woman will be oversexed and make poor choices.  She is being destructive due to the deep self loathing that came from the sexual abuse.  Others will find a man who loves them but will put a physical barrier between them and this person by doing something like gaining lots of weight, abusing a substance. etc.  Others develop a pattern of attaching to abusive people.  It's deep inside and can be very difficult to identify sometimes exactly how an individual is affected by their abuse.  But it is almost 'always' there somewhere.  


I always recommend therapy for a victem (especially children) of abuse.  To undo the damage is hard!!  Being guided by a professional is really helpful.  

So on Sunday, you let some of what whirls inside you-------  probably way down deep------ out.  But with it, the years of holding it in, the anger, hurt, sadness . . . well, it is still there.  There are things that a therapist can do with you to help release some of that emotion.  I'm a fan of writing our abusers letters and reading them and then burning them.  I love art therapy------ getting a canvas and taking out  your anger with pain and a brush.  (I  know that probably sounds wacky, but it is a way to "PUT" the emotion somewhere.)  And just being with someone and hitting a pillow, crying, whatever-------  is freeing.  

Your reaction to your husband -------- well, could you be projecting some of this emotion onto him? Do you fight being truly loved?  

Would you consider talking to a therapist?  I so think it would help.

Again, if there is anything I can do------- I will.  I hate that such cruelty exists in life and when someone writes of things happening to them-----------  well, it is just ugly and I'm sorry that things like this happened to you.  We are here anytime for support.  Peace.