My son disrespectful and hates me

[lt13]

I'm a single mom and had took care and raised both my sons by my self until they left home. My oldest son will be 26 next month and my youngest son is 20. Long story short...my youngest is in college now and he is doing very good and I have nothing to complain. Well, at the other hand, my oldest son I had to kicked him out 3 years ago due to his anger, disrespectful, always gets high, and didn't want to either do school or get a job, his ideal of living is just DOING NOTHING, play games all day...he didn't doing anything to help out around the house...which is ok for me and I didn't ask him has to do anything for us, I just asked him to do thing JUST for himself...just because I love my children and I will do anything for them.  Well, the stories are very long...I don't know how to fully describe it. But, my oldest son started trouble and disrespect me when he was middle of freshman year. He was A student and when he started to hung out with wrong group of friends, he has totally changed. He got kicked out on his junior year and has to moved out of state for him to finish his high school in an adult program. After he finish his GED, he started college on and off for very short time and totally quit, then just stayed home played game all days, he can just stay up for 3 days without sleep to just playing game....he cusses at me and his younger brother, threaten to kill him self...saying I am a bad mother...I had tried my best to take care and support for my children on my own, I didn't get help from anyone, I gave up my social life and didn't get into any relationship for very long time, but he didn't see it and scream at me that I'm a horrible mother....he even wrote a journal about his life with all untruth stories and post on Facebook and set up an PayPal account for donation of his life stories....when I read that I had cried so much and very hurt...I don't know what to do....well...I try to stay out of his life, but every time he contacted me because he needs help and money and said sorry and he loves me...so, I just forgive home and give him what he needs, after he got what he wants, he gave me attitude and hating again...has been going like that for almost four years since he moved out...I don't know what or how to do anymore. Should I just ignored him and present that I never had this son? I tried but it's so hard and I cannot ignore him, because no matter what he is still my son. But take him back, I don't know how to deal with him, because I lived in fear when he still lived with me before he move....What should I do? I'm appreciate any advices.  Thank you.

[Life360_Dave]

He donot have to be living with you to collect disabilty so i would highly suggest contacting the state to make an appointment. You being the mother, can call them to ask about this. My nephews ability to collect was a life changing process for him as led to his independence and also would recieve some very valualbe assessments from the states social welfare dept. Your sons is not bad, he just needs a way out and some professional guidance that the state will provide.
dave

[lt13]

Thank you for your advice and comment Nighthaw61. I had tried and talked to all I could but he has never listen to me and my family. Once in awhile he just post on fb that how lonely and poor that he is and his family won't take him back and seeking for help online which is we keep telling him just move back here and we help him. Couple days ago he (again) post a video on fb crying seeking for saying...mom please take me back. I message him and told him that I will flying there to take him back and get help for but, but again...he ignored me. He makes sound like we don't care and love him to the whole world to see how horrible his mother is and ignored all the plans that we told ask him to cooperated with us for his life change. He even message all ppl in at my sister's sister in law (which is he never know and met before) to talk to me, to make me understanding his situation and take him back...again, I message him and he just denial the help that I plans for him. He said he just want the support from me that...send him money monthly while he lives there, and..he always used all the sentence that disrespectful as the children talk to parent.....anyhow, I guess..get this point I just don't know what to say or to do anyone more. Can't help someone when that person doesn't want to help them self.

[Nighthawk61]

Thank you for responding. I can imagine how frustrating it is for you. I like what life has said, contact the state and get the ball rolling. Try not to read the things he's saying, just focus on moving forward and getting him the help he needs. God bless you all.

[Nighthawk61]

3 years ago when you made him leave, you did so with no support it seems. The "professional" that can help you feel better about  doing the right thing for an "addict" that has had an "Intervention" WILL HELP YOU TO SEE THAT GIVING AN ADDICT ANY MONEY, FOR RENT OR OTHERWISE OFTEN IS CONSIDERED ENABLING. However, if your child does have mental issues that he needs help with , then that is the route you should follow. You do not have to forevermore pay your son's rent. He NEEDS TO TALK TO THE RIGHT AGENCIES TO ADMIT THE REAL PROB LEM AND DEAL WITH WHY HE CANNOT WORK, There are half way houses set up for young people that cannot live independently. Or there is financial aid for people that cannot fend for themselves. Mom, you need to let go of the notion that it is your responsibility to finance your son's life. I agree that if you can put an allowance together THAT IS REASONABLE FOR YOU TO GET TOGETHER. IF YOU CAN AT ALL REASONABLY. iF YOU CAN'T YOU NEEDN'T FEEL BAD. You are a single mother looking after a son that sounds like he may flourish, with /your help. You shouldn't take away from his life. For instance, your son that is progressing, needs things like a laptop. A single mother would have to scrimp and save for such things. And the scrimping and saving is better given to a child that will progress with the help.  You don't want to throw good money to bad purposes.

Talk to an Addictions Therapist  and share the successes . The fact that you had your disrespectful drug addicted son move is the suggested move from an Addicitions Therapist. Now, IF your son does not access Addictions Therapy if he can, and other than that, HE NEEDS TO BE TOLD THAT HE MUST ATTEND A 12 STEP GROUP, GET A SPONSOR, IN ORDER FOR YOU TO FINANCIALLY CONTRIBUTE OR INDEED COMMUNICATE WITH HIM. iT IS THESE THINGS THAT ADDICTS RESPOND TO...

IN AN INTERVENTION WITH AN ADDICTIONS THERAPIST THEY WILL CONTACT ALL MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY AND LET THEM KNOW THAT A DIVIDED FRONT WILL ONLY ENABLE YOUR SON. YOUR SISTER IS HURTING YOUR PLAN FOR YOUR SON TO HIT BOTTOM. SHE NEEDS TO STOP GIVING HIM MONEY. iF HE CANNOT LIVE ON HIS OWN, IF YOUR SON IS INCAPABLE. HE NEEDS STATE HELP, THE REASON WHY YOUNG PEOPLE ARE OFFERED HALF WAY HOUSES IS BECAUSE IT ALLOWS THEM TO KNOW OTHER YOUNG PEOPLE THAT ARE STRIVING TO BE ABLE TO LIVE ON THEIR OWN. THEY OFTEN  HAVE DRUG ADDICTION 12 STEP MEETINGS IN THE HOUSE, THEY HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL, (AT THE LEVEL THEY ARE CAPABLE) OR GO TO WORK (AT A JOB THEY CAN HANDLE.)

YOU DESPERATELY NEED TO GET YOUR SON STATE HELP. LIFE360 DAVE I BELEIVE HAS HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.

YOUR SISTER IS SABOTAGING YOU IN YOUR ATTEMPTS TO GET YOUR SON HELP.

DRUG ABUSE IS PROGRESSIVE, HE COULD BE ON PILLS ONE DAY, AND MEET SOMEONE THAT TEACHES HIM HOW TO SHOOT DRUGS. YOUR SISTER COULD BE BUYING HIM HEROIN BEFORE TOO LONG, IF NOT ALREADY.

I'D LIKE TO KEEP IN TOUCH. i'D LIKE TO HELP. I WAS A LOST SOUL FOR MAN YEARS AND FINALLY MADE IT OUT, TO LIVE MY LIFE CLEAN AND SOBER. I HAVE ISSUES THAT I DEAL WITH PRODUCTIVELY AND PROGRESSIVELY NOW. THERE IS LIFE AFTER WHAT YOUR SON IS NOW MIRED IN. THE GOVERNMENT UNDERSTANDS THAT HE IS A CHILD THAT SOCIETY AS A WHOLE WILL HELP YOU WITH. YOU ARE NOT ALONE MY DEAR WOMEN.  

[lt13]

Thank you Life360_Dave for your advice and comment. My son li live in different state as I am. I told him few times that to move back here and I will get help for him as much as I can, but he just denial with all excuses and he just wants to live there and just wants us to send him money, I really wants to cut the core so when He hit the very bottom and he wills stand up and realize...but my sister doesn't want to stop to give him money, because she is really care for him. End up I have to send money to pay the rent for him because I don't want my sister has to do it by herself because he is my son:(.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi. mY sister has the exact issue as you and she got her son an appointment with the state dissablitly dept that hes not able to work due to mental issues and now he collects a dissabilty check monthly. It would appear your son does need some kind of professional care so try contacting the state for help. Also to qualify for aide he will need to be responsible and follow the rules so it maybe very good for him.

[specialmom]

I'm really very sorry to read this.  We have these kids, our lovely babies we dote on and do whatever we can for them.  They are so sweet and innocent and we love them in a way we never imagined and they love us.  Then to see them as adults, making poor choices and disrespecting us . . .   very painful I am sure as a mother.  

It sounds like things were not easy for you and you tried.  I'm not sure what went wrong with your older son--  but it happens.  Kids from all different kinds of backgrounds and homes take wrong paths.  He's on the wrong path.  I think you had to draw the line when you kicked him out three years ago.  Otherwise, you are enabling and contributing to their demise.  

I also so understand how when he calls and is that loving little boy again, saying he loves you and is sorry---  it would be so hard to ignore.  I get it.  I really do.  You long for him to heal, get it together, be that little boy with a bright future again.  Each time he calls, you have hope that THIS time he stays on track and he'll stay your kid that you've nurtured and loved.  But . . .  he doesn't.

It's easy for me to say to not give him money any more.  Hard to do though.  I do think it prolongs the problem and allows him to keep making poor choices.  Is there any way you can flip it?  If you are hungry, want to come eat with me?  How about I help you look for a job?  Do you need to sell something for extra money?  I can help you.  Try to be more productive in the help you offer him rather than just giving him exactly what he wants?  

My kids are still young and I haven't gone through this.  A good friend of mine has.  It breaks her heart.  Her smart, capable boy just floundering, probably using some drugs, barely living---  comes back all the time asking for things.  Very difficult to navigate.

big hugs

[lt13]

Thank you AnnieBrooke ans Specialmom for your advice and comment. I'm not rich at all by any means, I just tried to do what I had to do to support and take care for my children, all I want is my children to be safe, happy and healthy, I know life is very tough for a single mom and for everyone who has kids. I know that I'm not perfect and I had made some poor choice in my life, but I don't blame on anyone instead of take that are my lesson and it makes me stronger. My son takes a lot of pain killer or whatever pills that to make him high all the time, he could be very happy, sweet and understand and suddenly he angry, hateful and so negative...anyway, we were live like that up and down emotional for years until I had to kicked him out. It broke my heart when I did that, but I though maybe when he out there live by him self, maybe will makes him more independent and stronger in the real adult life. But, things gets worst, he can't hold on the job for more than 2 weeks, he said that smart people don't work on the job 9-5, instead of just sit home and can make money out of internet just doing games thing...Well, in the past year, he didn't makes any money for living, me and my sister had to rent the apartment for him (he was homeless I don't know for how long, because he has never tell me anything except the time he needs money) and send him money every month for food. Well, sometimes suddenly he just message me and saying he is very sorry and he really needs help...then,I asked him to move back home, so we can get him help (rehab for his drug addition) and get a job and live like normal adult would do...then again, he get all angry and saying I want to control his life, and I'm a stupid and horrible mother...on and on..so, I just don't know what to say/do anymore, so I just keep quiet, then few months later same thing again...I'm so tired and hopeless that he will ever grown up and see things clearly. My co-worker advice me that I should get help from professional...but I don't know where to start and I'm afraid too. I'm glad I found this website and I know that I'm not the only one who has this situation. I'm appreciated with all your advices.

[AnnieBrooke]

It does not sound like you are rich by any means, but if you are unwilling to cut him off totally, maybe you should put some small amount of money aside every month.  Don't contact your son at all.  But if he then predictably contacts you for another bailout, tell him the name of a middleman and that the only money he will get will be a limited amount, available through that person only.  (Don't let the middleman access the full amount, only an allowance from it.)  The middleman could be a trust officer at the bank or a lawyer or a minister.  But be sure he knows he can't move back in with you and he can't hit you up in person for money, only that person.  And be sure that person knows what the amount per month is.  If you use a trust officer at the bank there will probably be a fee, but it might be worth it, and even if you ask a clergyman to do it you should probably pay him, since dealing with your son will not be fun.  Worse comes to worst, ask a relative to do it who won't take any guff from your son.

Also, it sounds like your son is either using or has mental issues.  If you are worried about the latter, you could add an amount for him to have some medical care.

This all adds up, though, and you can't carry him financially.  He is an adult and pretty soon either has to sink or swim on his own.  You can't be patching it in and ignoring that your younger son who has not made a mess of his life is deserving of praise.