Aa
am i being emotionally abused?
this is very hard for me to ask. I am a married man. I met my wife 4 years ago and I thought I finally met the one. However, increasingly over the years, I'm finding someone who is very controlling over my previous relationships (e.g. does not approve of most if not all my friends, also my family), is incredibly sensitive to what most people would consider the most casual remark(s), will never apologize or admit any wrongdoing on her behalf (always critical and blaming toward me), and who will call me out whenever I have an opinion or feeling that goes against hers. For example, tonite we were out with friends, having laughs and drinks over things that happened weeks ago. Some of the topics were stressful when they happened but in the context tonight were lighthearted and fun. I guess I said one sentence, which was also asked by the other male person at the table, about 1 hour into a 3 hour evening. I didn't think anything of it as it just slid and disappeared into the conversation. In my opinion, we had a great night out, lots of laughs, good times w friends, but as soon as I sat down in the car on the way home I was taken to task for being insensitive and attacking of my wife for the one sentence comment I made hours earlier along with another 2 or 3 word phrase that I described a situation that my wife didn't approve of. Both these comments were throwaway things, stuff that never garnered a glance longer than maybe a few seconds over the course of an entire evening. Things that I can guarantee our friends never really made any real not of in the longterm. These were interjections into stories my wife was telling so I can take ownership I should maybe have let her go on longer, but we're with friends, having fun, typical banter, yet I was emasculated on the way home, told that I do not respect her, that I challenged her integrity, that I do not consider her feelings, etc ... basically, I feel like a worthless piece of junk. I had no idea, I enjoyed our night out until I was told this by my wife. I never said anthing hurtful or condescending, comments and/or suggestions I'd make with friends or even clientel at work so it was very professional. Yet she took it as the most personal attack of her character but I would never do that. I always tell her I love her, I'm the one who "bends" when she is rigid, I take ownership for the hard times but I'm not sure I can anymore. Now I feel so alone, and this isn't the only time, just the most recent that this has happened and I'm running on fumes here. Am I a sap? It hurts me so bad as I always try to reassess the situation, see things from her side, be empathetic, see what I could do better, but I feel I'm the only one doing so and putting in the work. I'm continually told my shortcomings, it's my problem, being criticized. From little things like leaving towels uneven, to the bed being made wrinkly, to not knowing the best birthday or christmas gift for her. But it's not just me, she's held her own family accountable this way and now I'm understanding why she has almost no long term friends. They've all cut the cord with her but she blames them. As for us, in 4 years she's never apologized for anything yet has been condescending, rude, aggressive, obnoxious, and incredibly hurtful toward me, and guess who ends up apolgozing and trying to make things right ... me ... but no matter what the blame is always on me. As I type this I feel I'm answering my own question. I dont' want to be a victim, play the pity card, I have a hand in all this as well. But I'm getting to the end of my rope. Please help!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, to answer the question in your post-------- no, I don't think you are being emotionally abused. You've simply married a challenging woman. But remember, you did marry her. This sounds like from your description that this is something that has been going on for a while. It probably intensified when you married as most things do but I'm sure there were clues along the way. We have to own that we CHOOSE our partners. That means that if we made a mistake and married an anal retentive lady who likes her towels to match and views making comments even when made in a lighthearted way against her as humiliating . . .WE made the mistake.
This doesn't mean that you have to live with the mistake forever if you indeed see it as a mistake. You have no children which means getting out is easier. But, I am more a fan of seeing marriage as a permenent thing and something that we work on and as AnnieBrooke said, invest in professional help if needed to keep it together.
Now, part of being married to someone is accepting them for all their quirks. Hers as well as yours. Even growing to love the other for them. You and your wife sound like you need to try to understand how the other one feels.
I think you need to work on finding your voice in this relationship and improve how both of you communicate so that you can solve these problems rather than her 'blaming' you and you deep down resenting her. If your marriage is to work, you need to seek counseling, agreed. Present it to her in a way that says "I'd like us to be able to communicate better so that I better understand you and you understand me." Trying to convey to her that you'd like to be a better team would be a good way to move torward . . .well, just that.
But no, I don't think you are emotinally abused. The closest thing to it is that she doesn't care for your friends and family but honestly, my in laws and a few of my husband's friends can bug me at times. If she refuses to go to any family gathering and won't "let" you go------ that is different. If she complains about her mother in law, normal. good luck
This doesn't mean that you have to live with the mistake forever if you indeed see it as a mistake. You have no children which means getting out is easier. But, I am more a fan of seeing marriage as a permenent thing and something that we work on and as AnnieBrooke said, invest in professional help if needed to keep it together.
Now, part of being married to someone is accepting them for all their quirks. Hers as well as yours. Even growing to love the other for them. You and your wife sound like you need to try to understand how the other one feels.
I think you need to work on finding your voice in this relationship and improve how both of you communicate so that you can solve these problems rather than her 'blaming' you and you deep down resenting her. If your marriage is to work, you need to seek counseling, agreed. Present it to her in a way that says "I'd like us to be able to communicate better so that I better understand you and you understand me." Trying to convey to her that you'd like to be a better team would be a good way to move torward . . .well, just that.
But no, I don't think you are emotinally abused. The closest thing to it is that she doesn't care for your friends and family but honestly, my in laws and a few of my husband's friends can bug me at times. If she refuses to go to any family gathering and won't "let" you go------ that is different. If she complains about her mother in law, normal. good luck
1. Don't have kids until you straighten this out.
2. See a counselor.
3. See a counselor together, if she will go.
Good luck!
2. See a counselor.
3. See a counselor together, if she will go.
Good luck!
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I find it interesting that this is just coming to light now and wasn't noticeable earlier in the marriage or relationship. Something, somewhere has gone wrong in your wife's life.... one could only guess what, when, where and why.
I've heard the horror stories of people not getting along with their in-laws. Personally, I loved my mother in law.... never once did we have a problem. In fact, my wife joked that her mother adored me more than her own children. But, as specialmom mentioned above, there is always some give and take. Your wife should have had the opportunity to meet your friends early on.... if she had a genuine dislike for any of them, it seems as if she would have said so before now. How I see it, she is jealous of the good times you seem to have with them and wants all of your good times to be hers as well. If she isn't having a good time, she doesn't want you too either. Has this behavior only recently come to light, or has it been intermittent through the relationship?
There is/are underlying problems here. Chances are that they are her problems, and this is something that she will have to address... things that happened before you were in the picture. You can help, you can be supportive, but this does look like something that the two of you should seek therapy over.
As specialmom also said, I think you need to find your own voice. This can be difficult because you don't want to hurt your wife with a verbal outburst, but you are getting old on being walked on as well. A good therapist can and will acknowledge the issues at hand. It may take a while to 'crack the nut" but it is very doable.
I think it is right time to have a real nice heart to heart talk with you wife and to totally and completely voice your concerns. Do it politely and do not pull any punches. Express your concerns and listen to hers. (I had to learn that there is a difference between hearing and listening... hearing is hearing the words and taking them at face value, listening requires looking at the bigger picture... something underlying, get it?)
When you have the talk, clear your mind and be receptive to what she has to say in her defense.... (keep in mind, you are not looking for her defense, you are looking for the problem) Make sure that you are being as concise as possible while saying your part, and let her know that you are there for her. I do suggest getting some professional help. It may cost a few bucks, but will be totally worth it to both get the tools needed to move forward.
Good luck, and keep in touch on here.