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1337810 tn?1333807530

am i cheating on my hushband or my hushband cheating on me?

my story goes like this.. it start happen when i cought my hushband kissing with other girl in front me in the pub.he thought i didnt see him doing that.when he notice that i saw him kissing other girl.he pretend that im ok with what he done.the next day i talk to him about last night.the respon i get was negative.he say i must be more SPORTING when hangout with friend.what have to do hangout & kissing other girl???? i know he LIE about it.after a few month i cought him again planing going to Thai Massage (which also provide sex) with his bestfriend.when im asking him about it.he deny about the thai massage.he say he didnt go to this place but i saw he chat with his bestfriend talking about how great the experience Thai Massage is & planning to go another time.so this is the second time my hushband lie to me.i just want him to be honest with me because he hate when i LIE to him but he done it already lying to my face.im hurt so much my hushband just ignore how i felt about it.he thought im forgot about it.Hell NO!! i remember everything he lied to me!! so i make a revenge.. i chat with one of my workmate.my workmate is Vet Doc & he is Hindu.so i was happy chatting with this guy..so i lie to my hubby im wanna use the use the computer to do my work but instead im chating with this guy untill 3am.it happen about 2 week chatting with this guy.Suddenly my hushband cought me im chating with this guy.when he ask about it..i admit it i chat with him & play flirting with this guy(occasionally me & my workmate is only friend).im doing that because i want him to know how hurt i am when he doing those thing i dont like.My Priority is only for him.i never cheated on him everything i let him know before i proceed.My hushband totally **** off with me.He meet with my workmate talking about what happen between me & my workmate.Now my hushband say im Lying at him.cheating on him.who start first to do that?? am i wrong to do that? please help me..i need advice..thank you
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Avatar universal
the game you are playing is expected of a four year old,your husband is a loser and a lier,please stop letting him drag you down to his level,you have choices live with it or move on,if you have any sense move on before this man makes you act like the person you dont like
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I think that his response that it all starts with you is unfair and manipulative.  You 'cause' his bad behavior how???  

When you talk to him----- you have to find a way to not make him defensive so that you can really WORK on these issues.  Key phrases to use are "we need to think about what works for us as a couple and what is not and change what isn't" and "you say it starts with me, what are you refering to? "  Own something that he says that you agree with but if it is nonsense, listen to what he has to say and then gently make it clear that this isn't an excuse to have a marriage lacking trust.  If he refers to what you did wrong and you refer to what he did wrong-----------  make a pact to move forward.  Start from here and what can you both do differnently to make things successful between the two of you and make you have a true relationship built on closeness and honesty.  

Sometimes I'll ask my husband what I can do better or differently to help him be happier.  It is a tough question to ask him because I have to be prepared for the answer.  Sometimes it stings a little but knowing where he is coming from does help me work on things to keep our relationship strong.  Same goes for him.  This kind of conversation is for when things are calm between you and you are not fighting.  Honesty is important with the question.  

Anyway, a therapist can definately help you through it.  If you phrase it that you'd like to talk to someone to help you be a better couple-----  that sounds better than "we need therapy."  So, try a different approach than you've used before.
good luck and I sincerely hope it works out for your family to be happy again!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hi, i would look into some sort of marriage therapy/counsiling for you both this will help solve the issue by helping you find a way to solve it.  time does heal things but proffessional help will do u both good. Ask if he is interested in seeking help if he not then i would consider walking away.  He has done wrong by going to a massage and you are trying to hurt him as much as he hurts you, once u start playing these games u will start to drift miles apart n fall out of love, sit down and chat with him seriously before it's too late. good luck :)
Helpful - 0
1337810 tn?1333807530
i agree with you..we been married about 4 year and i have 1 daughter.i know i make a big mistake draw other men into my relationship but everytime i want to solve this issue.my hushband say he nothing problem..the problem is always come from me.so to be honest many time already i tried to go for therapy with him..the only i answer get is it all start from me..

i did ask him about our marriage.i know he want to work on this our marriage but he never find a way to solve this issue..he seems to let the time heal everything..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes, you are wrong and your husband as well.  I wouldn't draw other men into your drama just to get back at your husband.  

It is clear you all should seek therapy and work on this.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, unless you have what they call an "open" marriage, then you both would be doing the wrong thing.  Unless chatting and getting attached to another man (and not doing the things you should be doing like working, sleeping, etc. . .  that is not great regardless as that IS cheating on your employer or your body out of the things you SHOULD be doing.  That you could make better choices on for sure regardless) is part of your marriage agreement, then I think you have some serious issues----  both of you.

I am glad you tried to talk to him about what he is doing.  He seems unreceptive to that though.  Do you have any closeness at all between you?  How long have you been married?  Can you go to a counselor as a couple to work on things?  

It doesn't matter who did what first.  Neither are you are in the right or justified in your actions.  

Do not chat with or meet other men until you resolve your marriage.  It it ends due to your husband's actions-----  then you are free to move on with your life.  But until then, you are not free to carry on with another person.  If you did wrong and your husband knows---  as he does now-----  you have to deal with that that you BOTH screwed up.  You don't get a pass on bad marriage behavior just because he is doing bad things too.  

So, ask your husband if he wants to work on this marriage for real and then do that.   If he does not, then consider a seperation.  good luck
Helpful - 0
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