am i not being understanding? should i stay?

[confused about everything!]

okay i need to know if i'm being too much. I have been with this girl for 2 years now. everything was really great in the beginning (how things usually are) she was an extremely affectionate and thoughtful person and it was great. she has a son 9 years old and it has been very different as i have never been with a girl with a child before, but it was actually really great. from the beginning she was very cautious about bringing me around her son, understandable but we (son and i) get along REALLY well. he always wants to go with me and get along really well. she has never told him that i am her boyfreind and in fact she tells him that we are just friends and that "mommy doesn't have a boyfriend because he comes first" i understand that he comes first but to hide the fact that we are together just seems wrong to me. thats not all.. she has an ex boyfriend who doesn't know about us either because she says he will go crazy if he finds out that shes with anyone (apparently he's psycho)oh and he's with someone else but thats okay i guess.. she talks to his family because of a goddaughter that is his neice. she tells me everytime she goes there and never hides the fact that shes there. she even spends the night over there because shes too tired or a variety of other excuses but apparently he isn't there when she's staying there. Also she is very reluctant to come around my family for any gatherings and in fact in the 2 years she has only been to my family gathering once! She says she is reluctant because she is embarassed of her family, some drug and emotional problems

[confused about everything!]

sorry i'm continuing. she says that it took her years to go around her exs family. she accepts gifts for her son from her ex, which bothers me. there is more.. her sons father. real loser, hasnt been there financially or emotionally for the son for the whole 9 years all of a sudden has an interest in the boy. a new girlfriend has been the root of all this. she is a real ***** and causes so many problems for my girlfriend. they threaten to take her to court to take her son away which i tell her is ridiculous because no court in their right mind would give the son to him. they went to court for child support and he agreed to pay but then he hasn't forked over a dime yet. and the garnishment of his wages hasn't started yet. She is EXTREMELY emotional at this point and everything i say or do pisses her off. she says its because of everything going on in her life and that she can't be in a relationship but she still calls me everyday, she is so up and down with her emotions its hard to deal with. I am trying to be here for her but she shuts me out and i feel like just leaving sometimes. but then she is really sweet and great for a while and i stay! she says she is lost and that she isn't the same person because of all the things going on. i see she is depressed but do i have a right to be bothered by anything i've written about?? please i'd like to know if i'm overreacting. Sorry for this being so long but i have a LOT to say. in fact theres even more! but i'll just start here. thanks!

[jojo24]

First of all, I would like to say that I see you really care for this girl and and you are a stand-up guy for caring for her son as well.  I am bothered by the fact that you say she refers to you as her "friend" with her son and her EX?  It shouldn't matter if her ex is psycho or not, if you were her boyfriend, she should declare that proudly to her EX.  It's apparent that there is still something going on between them especially if she is still going over there and spending the night.  If you are her boyfriend there should be no contact between her and her ex, period, even if she is the god mother of his niece.  She can contact his nieces parents to see her!  And I'm sorry, but it sounds like a load of bull when she says he is not there.  I hate to say that the whole child support issue isn't really your concern because I understand that you care, but first things first.  You are a good man for being supportive of her, but it seems to me that she is in denial or confused, or something and she's dumping on you.  Her son definitely has to be first in her life, but if she really loves you, you come in close behind him, and from what you're saying, everyone else is coming in  behind him and you are behind them.  That's not right.  And it also seems like she's keeping you around for some sort of selfish purpose.  If you haven't talked to her about what you're feeling then you need to.  And if you have, well, she already said she can't be in a relationship.  If I were you, as bad as it hurts now, I would let her go.  There is someone out there who will treat you with the upmost respect because that's how you deserve to be treated, and it's definitely not her.  Sorry to be so blunt, but you'll probably be much better off without her.  And no, you are not overreacting.  Best of luck to you, hun.

[JoAnnaRF]

DITTO to everything JoJo said!!
--Jo

[babylove2006]

You sound like you are a REAL MAN. You deserve better than her. I agree with jojo. She sounds like she is keeping you around for selfish purposes. You don't need her. Go out and find you someone who will give you the love and respect you deserve. Good Luck to you! And keep us posted on how it turns out.:)

[jojo24]

I feel like I wish I was there with you so I could give you a hug!  You seem like such a great guy who is virtually getting treated like dirt on the bottom of someone's shoe.  In response to your last two comments you are just keeping someone who does not want want to be kept.  You can't force her to love you, to take your advice or to accept your help.  If you offer it and she refuses, leave it alone.  You are torturing yourself by trying to make her accept your love when she doesn't want it.  It seems like she is keeping you around as a securtity blanket: someone to fall back on, just in case I need it.  Once you leave her and meet someone who is there for you and worthy of the affection and love you are willing to give, you will see it for what it really is and probably wonder why you stuck around so long.  She needs to figure out what it is that she  really wants instead of stringing you along.  She's not involving you in what's going on in her life and you would do better to stay out of it anyway.  Don't worry about walking away from her while she is going through all of this stuff because chances are it won't get better for awhile. But if you do stay with her when it does get better she will more than likely walk away from you.  I have to say this again: you will be better off without her.

[confused about everything!]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Believe me i have often thought about leaving but i care about her and i love her son too but i feel like she shuts me out of her life with her and her son. I know i could be a great father to him and his homework and school is suffering because of everything going on between both parents. i offer to be there to help with homework or even just go to her house to help cook a meal or clean up so she can focus on other things but she turns me down stating that she doesnt need anyone and she can do it by herself. but then she will complain that she cant get anything done and she has no time! i'm lost on that one. He does really well on his homework and tests when i get to help him but thats not often as she doesn't let me help. i guess its being "independant" but i tell her it isn't that she is asking for help its that i enjoy helping if it will relieve some stress for her. As for the EX thats a really big problem with me and i'm glad you agree too. I bring it up as a problem and she says i'm not there for him i'm there because of the family, and then she gets really pissed and starts saying that i have no trust and that she tells me everything that she does, that she doesnt have to tell me but she tells me everything. i want to believe her but there are too many coincidences where her phone died or she just fell asleep or many other excuses, Also i had an ex-fiance who was still contacting me and she made it an issue for me to tell her that i had a girlfriend and to leave me alone. I wanted to just not answer the calls and let the ex just go away, but she insisted on me telling her off and making a point to tell her to leave me alone. I felt like it was double standards but she said its different for her since he will make her life miserable and not let her see her god-daughter anymore if she tells him she has a boyfriend. she says that she tells him that its none of his business if shes with anyone but not that she has a boyfriend. I gave up my ex-fiances family and her sisters daughter who was a really big part of  my life for her (and myself as i didn't want that to bring my ex back into my life) I don't want my ex back but i did all that and she is still associating with her ex's family, also she goes to all there parties but not my familys. and now she says its because she doesnt want to be around me right now because all we do is fight. you know as i'm writing this i'm realizing "why am i still here" its because i love her and i don't want to leave her in the middle of all this crisis in her life, but what about me... i've been through this before with my ex with all the drama and i told myself i'd never do it again to sacrifice my happiness to be there for someone when i'm not even sure this will last. but you fall in love and its hard to leave, i guess i just need to suck it up and end this.. but its hard to be alone.. oh and she's also really not affectionate anymore we don't have sex or kiss or anything really. And she says she is upset about not wanting to because before she was a very affectionate person and she feels like she isnt the same person anymore because of all thats happened. Sorry for this being so long again but i've been holding this in for so long and its just nice to have people to talk to about it. Thank you everyone for your responses and concern.

[babylove2006]

Honey! That's what we are here for. You talk as much as you want too. You really are a Great Guy! What are you doing wasting your time on someone like that when you can have better. I know you love her but does she love you? Ask yourself, would she do the same for you if the situation was turned around?

[jen023]

If I understand right, you two have been together for two years? And she still hasn't told her son or her ex that you are her boyfriend? Something is incredibly wrong there - and with everything else you said - her not going to your family gatherings etc., it's like she's not even acknowledging the fact that you are together. Is she just planning to tell everyone that you are her "friend" forever? I'm sure it would be hard to walk away from her, especciallly if you love her and her child, but you do have to do what's best for you. It sounds like she is using you - for what, I'm not sure - but I guess my advice is to walk away and try and move on with your life. You do sound like a great guy - and I don't think you will have any trouble finding someone that will treat with the respect that you deserve.

[confused about everything!]

it sure seems like she is planning on telling everyone that i'm her freind forever and she says its because her son comes first. i understand that and thats one thing that i loved about her. everyone else knows i'm her boyfreind, her family and stuff but her son is sheilded from it.  now because she has told him that she doesnt have a boyfriend because he comes first i'm sure that he thinks that if she does have a bf he will come 2nd which is definitely not true, i love him like he's my son and i want to be there for him since his real dad is such a loser and dissapointment, but she is really stuck on not letting anyone get close to her. even her ex boyfriend for 9 years was a "freind" to her son. i'm seriously getting tired of it and i think maybe she and i want different things. i want to enjoy a family. also we never do boyfriend girlfriend things, pretty much i see her once a week alone and when we do we go out to party at clubs or bars. no movie night no nice dinner anywhere. i tell myself maybe its because she never got to go out because she was pregnant at 18, oh by the way she is 27 and i am 29 years old. maybe i just hold onto things too long when i know they just arent working, its depressing and affects everything i do. i used to enjoy so many things and now i feel like i'm alone. thanks again everyone for your support.