anyone have success story for spouse's porn addiction?

[jazzyben]

Does anyone have any success stories regarding porn/ masturbation issues with their spouse?? I am ready to bail and i really could use some positive words. I love him and I know he wants to stop but gets frustrated and caves. I am getting so tired of it all tho. I told him last night that I wanted to postpone our wedding and he was very upset- I'm not sure what will happen from here.

[sambozki]

Hi, I feel for you and others in this situation, as I too am in the same boat. But can advise you that communication is really important here. Have you approached him yet? Do you believe that this is an addiction. Personally if it is affecting his personal relationships or work, or even social relationships, by being disconnected, uncaring and grouchy, then I would assume it is. If you have not directly approached him about it, then I strongly suggest that you do so as soon as possible, if you feel safe to do so that is. If he denies any problem, then you have big choices to make on whether or not you can live with it. If he agrees that he has a problem, then you will both need to see a therapist together. A therapist will help you out with what direction to go from there. It is hard work, and a lot of patience is needed on both sides. It is also a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and you will need to be strong for the both of you at times, as it is a real addiction, and there will be withdrawals and so on. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.

[Helpfreeme]

I have a major insecurity with porn. My ex husband was so badly addicted to it that it was a huge part of why I left him. In my current relationship which was going so great up until now, is beginning to fall apart because I found a bunch of porn in his web history on his phone. What upsets me the most is how muh detail I've provided him about the pain caused by my ex husband regarding his sexual deviances. He has a very clear understanding of how much PTSD I deal with because of it. He has blatantly lied to me,  telling me he loves me and that nothing would make him happier than to cater to the only thing I asked him not to do...he told me he had no problem not watching it because he didn't feel like he was giving up anything or felt it necessary....apparently not...I'm crushed I'm hurt and I feel like i did when I was married....

[Hurtbythefuture]

My boyfriend is addicted to porn (among other things) that involves individuals that truly are nothing like myself and it hurts because I take it as he wants everything that I'm not. It's not immature to feel less worthy when your partner semi openly displays behavior that suggests you are not enough to feed his sexual appetite. I'd have to say that I don't understand how anyone wouldn't care, and believe me I have tried so hard not to, because if you take away sexual intimacy, then what is left? Not a whole lot.

[cedartree]

the thing with porn, like most addictions, is that it is exponentially growing.  In my understanding, it is rare for someone who watches porn to stop at "light" porn, or "normal" porn...there is all sorts of terrible, sadistic, utterly evil videos out there, that completely degrade women to less than that of an animal.  Over time, the "normal" porn becomes less and less stimulating, and thus, the person will constantly be chasing a new high, and a new way to get stimulated.  So, I feel that your boyfriend is way out to lunch, and thankfully, his immaturity is not a typical male reaction to the issue of porn...I think it is safe to say that most level headed men would acknowledge that it is an addiction that is wholly negative, which teaches men to view women as nothing more than a pair of breasts and an object of sex.  I'm very sorry that you can accept pornography as normal and non-damaging, as it has clearly ripped apart thousands of relationships, and produced a generation of selfish, gollem-like men, who hide in the filth of sexual immorality.  And to speak to the original comment.  I have struggled with pornography in my life, and I can tell you that it becomes extremely easy to justify the behavior.  I have told my wife and several friends that I struggle with it, but I still end up going back and always feeling like a piece of **** after.  I think, since it is such an isolating and solitary addiction, it is of utmost importance that a community of people can be there to support the person, no matter how small the community might be.  It might simply be a friend that your boyfriend can tell everything to.  At any rate, it is not normal behavior, and should not be accepted as "the way men are."  Besides, a real, pure man, knows how to treat a woman right, and would never see pornography as ok.  And being someone who struggles with porn, I know that it is terribly hard to shake and get out of that headspace, but it is certainly not impossible.  It takes honesty, vulnerability, probably a lot of tears, and an attitude of ownership.  If your boyfriend takes ownership of his mistakes and addictions, then he is on the right track.  Then there is hope.  

[demetry21]

i am 29 and porn/masterbation has become a problem in my relationship with my Fiance I have tried to quit in the past we have gotten into arguments over it and i have been like most guys in that i think what is the big deal. i have started to do some serious researching on this and done alot of thinking today I really do love my Fiance with all my heart I am a recovering aloholic and have almost 2 years of sobriety im learning how to be me each and everyday now. But i do have a addictive personality and i have always used alcohol drugs sex to hide my feelings. my dad was and still is a bad alcoholic he is 51 years old and is in jail right now because of alcohol i was pressured into being this perfect kid growing up in a jehovah's witness family isolated and moving alot growing up i was lonely and that is how i have always dealt with things was by being selfish and pleasing myself i guess what i am trying to say is that alot of underlined issues are a cause of the way that i do things and it is a selfish act I am trying and it is a serious addiction for some more than others. It is good to know that others have the same issues with masterbaiting and porn as i do. It's an ongoing battle especially in todays world wish me luck i know im worth it if she can endure till i lick this thing. My next step is to password the computer maybe porn software getting rid of some dvds and basic cable more than likely therpy as well as journaling just like alcohol it isnt worth it to me i love what i have going in my life and need to keep it going in the right direction thanks

[PromisedLand]

Applause to Marie787....



Jim

[Marie787]

My boyfriend looks at pictures of women; I found them on his phone. (together 7 years and a daughter) All I can say is - I don't like it and I will not put up with it. It's my life and I choose the sort of person I want to be with. I will not be pushed into believing this is right because everyone else feels it is. It hurts my feelings and that is not love.
I do believe in forgiveness and I have given my boyfriend the chance to sort his priorities out.
If I find another picture I will leave him, for your own self esteem you have to stick up for your beliefs. Nothing will kill you more emotionally than giving in.

[PromisedLand]

I used to watch a lot of porn...one day my wife said "it's porn or me...take your pick"...that was 8 months ago and I haven't watched it since and I came to the conclusion that it is disgusting, abusive to women (who appear to be willing participants) and I can't see it benefiting couples.  I've known several people in the industry in various roles (camera work, "actor", etc) and when they started checking out my sister or my daughters I wanted to strangle them.  Most of the women get tossed out on the dust pile, or are addicted to drugs, booze or both...

To me the female body is a beautiful thing not to be treated as a playground for these guys with their baseball bat sized Johnsons and then moved on to the next filming of the day and then eventually tossed out.

My wife and I are still together, and I find the stuff disgusting now.

Jim

[martin704]

thanks for the information it helps me to make my essays

[reign99]

Are we in the 21st century yet?  Just curious.

Is your husband watching kiddie porn?  Is he raping girls?  I just don't get it.  Guys like sex.  All guys.  Different guys like different things when it comes to sex.  Have any of you women talked to your men about what makes them happy?  Man just because you don't want to do something, or are ashamed of doing it, you make him ashamed for being interested in it?

I can understand if it goes way over the top, if the man has become non-functional in his life, loses his job, is just buying hookers left and right...but some straight up hardcore porn?  Come on.  My advice to the guys is find a girl from our century, establish a sex life that you enjoy, and build you life from there.  

Oh, I've been with my girlfriend, now fiance, eight years.  We watch porn together sometimes and then have a good time, and sometimes I watch it when she's not "responsive" to my advances and she tells me to go "take care of myself"...lol.  I love her, she's sexy and she knows it, and we have a lot of fun together.  We're not complete pervs in bed but we're not prude, generally a good fit for each other I think.

Loosen up folks, I think shame is the biggest problem here.  And to the men:  seriously, we're all doing it guys.  It's what we do, we're men.  Testosterone's a ***** fellas, but sex is the primary job nature gave us to do.  So unless our women would rather we run around sleeping with every girl we see...give us some sex, or some porn, and let's get some sleep. :)

[turkee23]

i dont see problems with the porn... i agree with broke.... I WATCH PORN EVERY SINGLE DAY !!....probably twice a day .... i still love my hubby like no other, we have sex all the time, and i think the porn even makes our sex even better.....

i just dont understand why people get so bent out of shape about porn, its always thrown way out of proportion....like broke said these women DO NOT replace you, doesnt mean they love you any less, and none of then would leave you to be with a dang porn star......

if the man starts to actually go on website to talk to other women and email and get in contact with these women then its different, if they are JUST WATCHING porn...whats the problem???

[abester]

Ah that clarifies a bit more. You had very good reason to then. I was wrong. But you also misunderstood me. I was simply giving you a first hand look at what a guy thinks about when seeking the opposite sex and how porn comes into play. I personally feel there is tons wrong with porn itself, but I feel "watching" porn is for the most part harmless and thrown way out of proportion (which explains my outburst in the last comment). Personally, I am in a healthy loving relationship with a gorgeous girl (for three years now). I would never go on a porn site (or any site) to seek a girl for cyber sex or anything of that nature. I can see where your coming from. It was very wrong what your husband did but it is the act of "one man who watched porn" in comparison to "every other man in the world". Therefore you can't say "watching porn itself is wrong", but rather "other acts that may result from porn watching are wrong". Two very different things, and they don't necessarily go hand in hand. *Analogy* A man can buy a gun and never shoot someone. At the same time a man can buy a gun and shoot someone with it. Then again a man can shoot someone and never bought a gun in the first place (picked it up from someone who dropped it, stole it etc.) This being said "just because a man buys a gun it doesn't necessarily mean he will ever fire it, let alone shoot anyone. You should go easy on the next man you encounter. I assure you "every man has either watched or currently watches porn". Its natural to be interested in two people copulating. Cyber sex and writing letters is something completely different. Also one last thing. Whether you want to believe it or not, all men see the act of having relations with a women as a conquest in one form or another. If they don't then there is something wrong with them. The reason being, every guy tries to date, kiss, sleep with, fool around with, or have a relationship with as good-looking a girl as they can get for that purpose. To be honest most guys arent as "nice" as I am. I never take advantage of a girl, or lead her on. I have never slept with a girl I didn't care about emotionally. You need to realize in trying to obtain that really good-looking girls number, trying to gather up the courage to speak to that gorgeous girl from work, or trying to get a date with the girl of your dreams, every time a guy succeeds in this area it is a conquest. A goal reached. There is nothing wrong with thinking that. This isn't to say that women are "objects". This isn't what I'm trying to imply, nor ever would, but the act of "reaching" the courage to get a number, date, etc with a highly attractive female, who has a great personality is seen as a grand achievement is all I'm saying.Why would you date someone who you didn't look back and think "wow I really played my cards right and became lucky enough to be with this person" ?

[Lentini]

Yes I did.   I don't think I over-reacted at all.  Every time I left the house, he engaged into looking, writing to women, and putting himself on porn sites to solicit a cyber or possibly real solicitation.  In counseling sessions he became verbally abusive towards me for "finding out his secret."  He had abandonment issues with his mother, so he objectified and abused women to feel a sense of power to overcome his sense of esteem.  So this is a bit more information for you to reassess your judgment of me.  

If you feel rejected by women, are you approaching them as a potential sexual conquest?  Most healthy-minded attractive women would reject you, as they want honest communication, love and a sense of being protected.  They don't want to become a conquest, they want a partner. Try approaching a woman as a friend and someone you admire, and in time, they would accept you on an intimate level in time.  You don't have to resort to the omnipresence of porn to feel loved.  

[abester]

Hopefully no other guy has to suffer ur over-reacting ways ever again. You seriously divorced your husband because of porn ?....Think about that for a second. Not because he cheated on you. Not because he abused you. Because he watched porn. Over-reacted much? I wasn't there so maybe there were (at least I certainly hope there were) other reasons for this. Also don't pretend like you know how males work. Most guys out there currently do or have watched porn throughout their life time. It can certainly be addicting, but it certainly isn't do to any lack of love as a child or low self esteem. Its because of the concept. All day long guys walk around looking at woman and possibly attempting to make a move only to get a slight look back, a head nod, but most of the time with the snobby uptight girls here in the US (speaking in general terms, I know this isn't everyone), they simply ignore you. Then you get home and there is tons of porn on the net where you can see girls who are probably 5 times hotter than the ones you were just ignored by getting naked and having sex. Its like getting a free peek, and more. This is a male's perspective. I tried to be as open and blunt as I could without being offensive...but I probably was. Either way this is something you probably don't want to hear.

[Lentini]

I've known two people who have had porn addictions (my husband and a boyfriend). This addiction, which only worsens in time, isolates the addict from his family and lover.  It is not a "man's thing" as much as the result of that man (or, in lesser cases) a woman who did not feel love as a child.  Porn is a way to feel in control and accepted by a "partner" who will not judge you.  It is a coping mechanism for men of low self esteem, and women who do not stand up to this addiction (and ask for serious counseling for him) or leave this person, are deemed as "codependents" (the reciprocal partner who also feels low esteem). Quite often, addicts and codependents are products of parents who have ignored or abandoned both types of addicts.  

As a personal survivor twice, I was at first confused by my husband's actions and thought it was my fault.  I actually experienced a kind of grieving process as those who lose people to death.  In this type of addiction, which is compared to being as worse as a heroin addiction, the neglected partner does feel as though they have "lost" their partners, much like the experience of death.  Yet, there is no closure, as the cycles of promises and lies to change this addictive pattern repeat themselves over and over.  For those women who are determined to stay in a relationship like this, you should look into a program called COSA which is for codependents of addicts and use a paradigm of a twelve step program much like AA.

As for me, it took me two years---inclusive of attempts at marriage counseling---to realize that this addiction carried far more importance than my feelings. I, teary-eyed and demeaned, just like the rest of you, filed for a divorce and suffered much verbal abuse which was another proof of his denial and pain. When I recently realized my boyfriend had this disease as well, I read the book "Out of the Shadows' by Dr. Patrick Carnes, which put this addictive behavior in clear terms.  I remained to try to help him for nearly two years, and when I realized he was pretending to get help while not giving up porn, I got out of the relationship as well.  

As women, we need to understand why we got in these relationships in the first place.  Did your father give you the love you need?  If not, you need to go to counseling to understand yourself and retrain your brains to understand, and hence, accept what it normal and healthy love for you.  We are victims of a patriarchal and "male gaze" visual literacy culture, which forces women to objectify themselves in order to be loved.  Don't do it with plastic surgery or otherwise.  Pornography is for the male gaze, and for women, it's a behavioral lesson in how to act like a porn star (most of whom were abused as children and feel unloved as well).  Get smart, look at this sad phenomenon as just that, a non-healthy way for humans to show love towards one another.  Get smarter, refuse to participate.

[abester]

Its interesting to see a woman's perspective on this situation. I think not talking to your husband about the porn is a bad move. Personally, I myself look at porn and part of the reason is because it helps me last longer in bed. My current girlfriend is gorgeous and I wouldn't choose any of the stupid slutty airheads in porn to her. I'm sure your husband feels the same way. Most guys watch porn to masturbate, because there is no effort involved, and its a safe easy way to pleasure yourself, without having to worry about satisfying a partner. He was probably embarrassed when you saw the picture on his computer and is too ashamed to approach you about it.  You have to take the initiative and talk o him. Also about the sex drive thing....You most certainly can have an orgasm during sex if you can have one with oral sex, so if you find sex "boring" there is definitely something your husband is doing wrong. Its up to you two to find out what that is, and if not, go to a sex counselor. I also understand that you two don't have sex very often. I speak for every man when I say the more sex the better. TELL HIM that he should take the initiative more. I am sure he would like more sex. He probably won't take the initiative because hes to afraid of being rejected, and feels insecure about his "condition". I'm sure its not made any better by the fact that he can't seem to satisfy you in bed. One more thing: LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT CHEATING!! I have no idea why woman view this as cheating but it certainly is not. How can I be so sure it isn't? He isn't bringing home any diseases, he isn't kissing another woman, and you aren't leaving him. I'm sure if it really was cheating you would divorce him. Take my advice and seek a sex counselor....It will save your marriage.

[mami1323]

I think you need to seek counseling asap.  I understand going through emotional turmoil, I have been there and done that but no where in all my drama did I ever think that it was worth taking my own life.  He isn't worth myself respect and my self dignity.  You need to find some strength somewhere deep down inside and go get yourself some help.  As far as the women who are in porn.  Well they make their own decisions in life and don't feel like they are being degrated, so you need to focus on yourself here and not worry about those women.  

[Judy246]

Value and respect life, because it is a precious gift and it is not yours take!  Porn bring in an evil to life and marriage. For people who have become addicted to it, it will eventually catchup to you and it has a force that in the long run be destructive.

Healing begins when we not accept this behavior and if necessary seek a conselor, but when someone is contemplating suicide over porn, it means that do not have the necessary coping skills to move out of this and forward with their life.

Counseling will help, but suicide is the cowardly way out and not the answer and it doesn't mean that the suffering will end there.

[Kim2009314]

I will probably take my own life over the internet porn my partner watches. Lies, scenes, deceit are pulling my world apart and if women are lower than animals in the pecking order then I'd rather die.

Thing is I do get asked out even though this porn issue makes me feel hideous, utterly unattractive..  Too afraid to let anyone touch me now so death seems like a warm and comforting release. The last six months have been the worst of my life after finding all the porn links, shelled files non accessible extensions. I can't talk about it to anyone and can't stop crying. Mentally I am so tired of it and I wish he'd go away now. Something very bad is going to happen over this sickening abuse of women - both myself and the porn victims.

We are living in the dark ages with porn - essentialist discourse justifies this abuse in the 21st century and so many women suffer one way or another.  

I just hope I don't kill him before I kill myself.

[woodhaven]

I will be married 14 years this mnth to my husband who I found out this past year had a huge problem with porn.  I new he like looking at the pictures and watching that garbage on line but to an extent.  After a while I had a feeling something was going on, coming to bed late...ALWAYS on the damn laptop!!!  Anyway, I searched and searched, found stuff that shocked and broke my heart.  Needless to say, laptop in pieces OK.  Without God in my life, lots more would've been broken!  I called him at work told him I was out and took a shower, when I got out, he was standing there!  I have 3 children and mind you we were at the happiest time of our lives, I thought.  (he is military too by the way, will retire in a yr; 39 yrs old) This man was on his knees, crying, begging me not to go.  Blah Blah Blah.  I finally listened...heated! Long story short, He is a saved man and has changed.  We have gotten out marriage blessed and renewed our vows and he has been very loving. Trust and images are a big issue with me as also forgiveness. It is really hard to feel the forgiveness rather than just say it.  It will take time and this has happened 6 mnths ago. We have friends that have helped us and he has hung his head low with shame and went to a pastor. What I am trying to say is, Yes I caught him and I dont know if it wouldve stopped, but it did.  My husband loves me and he didnt truly know what he had until he almost lost it.  Now, I bought another computer for the home, the kids.  I have the password to get in and his email password.  Thats the way it has to be right now.  Not every man will change, but there is hope.  If the love is truly there and you have God in your life, nothing is impossible.  Some may not believe that but I do and I am still believing that.  He shows me everyday, but like I said, trust will be an issue for a while and my husband knows that.  He knows he f*****up and that this is all his fault but it will all work out for good.  Maybe it will make us stronger as a couple or maybe we will be able to help someone else get through a similar issue, I dont know, I do know that there are days that I hurt.  I know I never said what he really did, but it was an online affair, cyber sex maybe, whatever it was it was sick, but its over and we move on from here. (I guess I just needed to vent)...thanks!

[SeriousSam]

Sorry I was just going from your post where you said.   "My view of myself has changed too. I am not ugly, though I now feel very ugly, and undesirable. I DON'T like sex much. I think it is BORING, because I am one of the unfortunate women in this world who does not have orgasms during intercourse (I don't lie there like a dead fish either...I try to MAKE him think I am enjoying it and I actively participate...I do not fake orgasm though, because that would only be a lie and an insult and I don't play that way). The only way I can achieve orgasm (with a partner) is through oral sex...which I RARELY get because once he gets his, he just rolls over and falls asleep...leaving me to take care of myself. Now, even though I DON'T LIKE sex, I have never deprived my husband of sex...in fact, if I ever want sex (I do crave the feeling of being close with my husband and I do want to make him feel good), I have to initiate it...which was getting pretty boring anyway. He never initiates, which, compounded by him looking at internet porn, just makes me feel even uglier and more undesirable. I feel like he is lying to me, and I am deeply insulted and hurt and even lonely. I keep wondering what is wrong with me that he would rather look at these strangers nude online than be with me. I have even gone so far as to just walk around the house naked to see if I could get ANY reaction from him and he just sits and stares at his computer. What kind of man would rather look at pictures online than take advantage of the naked woman in the room with him? And believe me, he is LUCKY to have me. "

It just sounded like you didn't like it, don't respect him much and really arenn't sur you like yourself much.

[AnimlNitr8]

I don't fake orgasm. I don't fake sexual enjoyment. I participate in sex with my husband with the intent of making it enjoyable for him, rather than just lay there like I am feeling absolutely NOTHING physically (which is exactly what I feel physically...NOTHING). Yes, I did date before, and yes, I was sexually active before...in fact, I would go so far as to say that I think I am more sexually experienced than my husband is. He is very "vanilla" and not quite so adventurous when it comes to sex. I was with one of my previous boyfriends for nearly 7 years, with a very active sex life, and felt a little more than NOTHING during sex, but not much more. I didn't marry my husband because of his "prowess," but also I didn't marry him thinking that he was going to hurt me in this way either. And yes, it does hurt. I don't care how many of you say that it has nothing to do with the wife/girlfriend, it does have everything to do with them if it is something that bothers them. If I was doing something that hurt my husband like this, I would be sure to stop doing it! I talked to him about it the other day...CRIED to him about it...bared my soul to him about it...and yet, he is still doing it as if what I said to him didn't mean a damn thing at all. THAT is what hurts the most. I feel like my feelings don't mean a damn thing to him. It feels like he made his choice to continue looking at other women online rather than to honor my wishes and have concern for my feelings. I don't control him at all. I have no problem with him going out and having fun with friends without me or anything like that. It's just this one thing that bothers me so much...and I feel like he doesn't even care. I can't understand why he seems to NEED to look at other women online...and I can't understand why he would choose that over me. Feeling like he has such disregard for my feelings makes me feel differently about him and makes me feel like I can't trust him. His habits are damaging our relationship and I don't know if he even cares. It's also damaging my health, because I can tell you right now that my blood pressure at the moment is through the "effing" roof!

[SeriousSam]

Give it a rest your getting paranoid and controlling.  I have a friend who is a dj and occasionally has don gigs for strip shows male or female.

And I've gone with lady friends to male strip shows and they've gone to female shows with me and then we've gone home together.  Big hairy deal.

If this is your biggest complaint, get a life.  I notice you don't say that you enjoy sex but you have to orgasm in some other manner.  You say that you PRETEND to enjoy it!

I am sure you are drop dead gorgeous etc.  But if you either read romances or pretend to enjoy sex can you blame a man for fanasizing about somenone who doesn't have to pretend?

Just do counseling.  You don't have to become the crazy cat lady, but do try to be a bit more realistic?

PS.  Did you date much or were you ever very sexually active before this?  You may want to look up the DEERS exercises.

[AnimlNitr8]

update...i deleted his collection of pictures on his computer and trashed his online bookmarks. he hasn't said a word about it. but he is still going online to look at porn...he isn't smart enough to delete his history, i guess. i have a hard time feeling anything but disgust. i'm not even interested in having sex with him anymore. i can't get into it at all. i feel like absolute sh*t that he can sit here and look at pictures of other women without their clothes on, while i am sitting in the room with him. it makes me feel like i am not good enough and makes me feel like i will never be loved the way i deserve to be loved. i can't believe i wasted all that money on our wedding...yeah, i paid for it. i should have just become the crazy cat lady instead...