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bad relationship with mom

I am an 18 year old female. I have been having problems with my mom since I was 11 years old. I feel hopeless and ashamed of myself because I feel like this is all  my fault maybe Im the problem. let me give you guys a brief summary of how this first began. I was a very depressed kid. I started cutting myself at 10 because I always felt like the black sheep of my family. my mother loved my sister. they always had a very close relationship with eachother. they did fight though. I always remember it getting physical at times. I would go to my room,cut and cry while they fought. But as my sister got older that stopped. My mom hated that I cut myself. she would get very mad at me and tell me I belong in a mental hospital because I was crazy. When I didnt wake up for school she would get VERY angry and she would say things like "go kill yourself you are worthless for not getting an education." I knew I had to go to school but I was very very tired and depressed. at the age of 12/13 I got fed up so I started to fight back. I would disrespect her just the way she did to me... but the thing was I felt like **** afterwards. I didnt want it to be that way.  At that age I was running away and doing drugs. All I wanted was my mother comfort. But I got the opposite instead. She put me in numerous mental hospitals so I wont runaway. Little did she know I wasnt running away from home. I was running away from her. At the age of 14 I got pregnant. I have been dating this abusive guy for about a year. he was 19. I wanted to get an abortion because I obviously was no fit to be a mother. I was still trying to get by school. I told my mom bout me being pregnant and wanting an abortion. her response?
If you get an abortion I would throw you out of my house and pretend you never existed.  (at this time my grandmother passed away about 3 weeks before me finding out about my pregnancy.) I stuck through it. I had my baby boy whom I love with all my heart. but It stresses me out. By that time I was about 16 when my son was a few months old. I was hardly home. I couldnt stand being around my mother because everytime I tired to take care of my son IT WAS WRONG. EVERYTHING I DID WAS WRONG. I went to therapy, I went to numerous behavioral programs. And still no change. now we are here. Im 18 about to go to college soon. straightedge and somehow I still get shitted on. Im trying my hardest to do good. but I have all these emotions bottled up. I dont know what to do. Sometimes I get suicidal But Im afraid to even tell anyone because Im so used to hearing my mother say stop acting crazy you have nothing to be suicidal about. Or her threaten me with the mental ward. I feel hopeless. I feel like a burden to everyone. And Im starting to think that maybe Im the problem. Please help me with any advice
3 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Welcome to Med Help!!  I am so very sorry to read this.  It sounds like it has been a hard few years.  Our most influential person when we are young is our mom and dad.  And your mom sounds like she doesn't manage well.  I am sure she loves you.  Really, please trust that.

Here is a bit of an admission from me as a mom.  Sometimes when I am really scared for my child, I come across angry.  Example, when my son was bullied and refused to stand up for himself.  I had to realize that the way I reacted with my gut was making him feel bad from the perspective that I was criticizing HIM>  I did want him to do something different, but I was mostly just afraid for him and terribly upset that anyone was treating him badly.  But my tone really had to be changed and my response.  It was hard to do because I got that fight or flight thing where I just wanted to FIX IT and it came out as almost like I was angry at him.  I wasn't, I was scared for him and angry at the situation.  Does that make sense?

If my son were cutting, I'd be petrified for his future.  Many do not understand mental health issues.  It takes a good amount of educating yourself and some just quite frankly don't have the capacity to do it.  Maybe that is your mom.  She is also dealing with all of her own issues both from her mental health and dealing with her childhood  . . .  which I'd venture a guess was not all a bed of roses for her either.  We learn bad patterns and act them out as adults when we have parents that were unkind to us.  This could be the case.  

I'm not taking her side!  Please know that. But the things I know now that I didn't when I was young . . .  another example is that adults are under a lot of stress.  If you are worried about  your finances, tired because you had to make sure so and so got on the bus, running to make sure food is supplied for the family, late for work, etc.  It all can cause us to not be our best selves. Parents are human too and some handle their emotions better than others.  

I think you have to remember that this is finite.  You are an adult now. You CAN escape!!  There are lots of college programs and grants to pay for them, training programs, community college that will help you get an income to get the heck out of there.  And if you can get government assistance, you may be able to get childcare for your son while you go to school.  Then you can work and pay your own bills and never NEED your mom in that way again

Now, you mention you've thought of suicide.  Oh sweetie, I'm sorry to hear that.  You MUST reach out if you are feeling suicidal ever.  There are numbers to call that can help.  If you go to college, there are often counselors there that can help for the depression, suicidal thoughts and cutting.  Your own doctor now perhaps can help you with the depression.  Do you take any medication?  So helpful!  And if you go the route to get a job, try to find one with benefits so that you can seek help for the depression.

Let me know what else I can do to help!!  We can talk about exit plans more if you'd like!  hugs
13167 tn?1327194124
Shay,  it's very likely your mother had a terrible mother,  too.  That's where terrible mothers come from - they are parented by terrible mothers.  So now you are here,  with a 4 year old child.  Are you planning to go to a local college and live at home and still parent him?  Or are you going away and leaving his care to your mother or someone else?  

Here's the deal.  In life,  you have two chances to have a wonderful mother relationship.  First,  as a child you have a shot at being mothered by a great mom.  Then when you grow up you have a chance to be a great mother to your child.  The first is out for you - your mother isn't going to change into a nurturing caring person.

But you have a chance to be that for your son.  Are you working toward that?  What's happening in your son's childhood?
3060903 tn?1398565123
Hi Shay, do you think that your mom would go to a family counselor with you to talk about how you two can live peacefully together? You could tell her that you care very much about how you both interact with each other, and you want to make things better between you.

Other than that, i think the ladies above have mentioned about you checking out daycare and college so that you can possibly move out. A great suggestion. Still, if your mother would still agree to attend family therapy so that you can repair your relationship with her that would be the best way to deal with a long term relationship. Tell her that you don't want to walk away from her without trying to find a way to have a good relationship.

The good news is that you are 18, and yes, that means there's a finite amount of time before your able to have the means to be on your own with your son. Please know that while it might take some years to finish college, there will come a time when you are 100% able to look after your son and yourself. Find and talk to a trusted wise adult about how you go about making friends or boyfriends in the future. You need to have a list of qualities in a man before you even bother to date him or get drawn into a physical relationship. This is paramount to your happiness now and in the future. Often young women who have had problems at home have a target on their backs for unscrupulous men, so you must be aware and very careful about the moves you make.

I'm so pleased to hear that you are straight edged now. You must be very proud of yourself, and i'm sorry that you are not feeling respected for this very important choice you've made. I believe that while your mother may not be able to give you the credit you deserve because of the way that you are both communicating, and with  the past bad blood, she is very proud of you for staying away from drugs and alcohol. Trust me, you wouldn't have a chance to have a good life if you went in any other direction (as i did for so many wasted years). If your son was old enough he would be telling you how thankful he is that you have made this choice. So please, continue on with your choice to be clean and sober. In the future you will truly come to realize this was indeed your saving grace.

I know that it may sound odd to hear this, but even though things seem so dark for you at times, your choice to handle yourself without drugs and alcohol, and attend college will soon start to show you ample rewards for your finer choices. Please keep up the good work and let us know how you are. I know that we all will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

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