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Avatar universal

cheap men

i was just wondering... how does one deal with a bf/husband thats very cheap?

me n my bf r movin in together officially as of next month (even tho ive been livin at his place for the last 3-4 months). but now im giving up my own apt.

anyways, the "cheap" topic keeps coming up with us. if he buys me a pack of cigs he wants 5$ back. today he said that 8$ from mcdonalds.. is too expensive!!! i mean cummon!! 8$!!

he makes triple what i do.

i never ask for anythin, he never bought me anything (i got a card for my birthday). but im very independent, and just tell myself - i dont need his money, i have my own.

is this fixable? how can i get pass this? any advice?

thanx to all =)
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Avatar universal
I am so thankful for the person who posted the first question.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we have had a lot of issues with money. When I first met him I knew that he was poor. But I didn't know he was cheap and selfish too.He told me at the beginning of our relationship that he had bad experiences with his past ex-girlfriends because they used him to buy things for themselves. I thought that there wouldn't be a problem in this relationship because I don't care about money. I care about people's feelings. Three months in the relationship and I was already feeling taken advantage of. He wasn't taking me out. He just took me to his apartment to watch movies and then have sex. He asked me how much I made in my internship a couple of months ago and I told him that I would rather not tell him and he asked me, "so, you don't trust me?" I said jokingly, "I'm going to be the next bill gates" and he said, so you make a lot of money, "I told him, yeah they paid me really well" "And he insisted again that he wanted to know how much I make. I told him how much I make. I regret telling him this information. The first couple of months when I said, "I feel like having a drink" he would take me to the bottle shop and don't even offer to buy the drink for me. I bought a twelve pack and I brought it to his apartment. He took the first beer and he drank most of it. Even when I went to bed he woke up at midnight and finished most of it. Next weekend he asked me if I wanted a drink and when I said yes he took me to the bottle shop again and the same happened. When I confronted him about this he said that he was gonna make up for it. And he did. Next time he bought the drinks for us. But it didn't stop there. He barely took me out on dates. When I asked him why he started to take me out more often. But he always had to ruin our dates by being short on money, counting money before paying or asking me for $5. I wasn't used to this I grew up in a traditional family. My father always provided for our family, he never said no to anything. If we wanted to go out we would, if we  were craving something he would get it for us. Even in my past relationships. I had very romantic boyfriends. They would buy gifts for me unexpectedly. They would always try to surprise me, even when I had poor boyfriends. My first boyfriend when I was 17 worked in a bakery and in his first payment he got me a gold bracelet. I had a boyfriend when I was 18 who worked two jobs and never complained about giving me anything. He was always happy. We were about to break up when we were 3 months together. I told him that I wanted something else for my life. I told him that I had dreams and aspirations and one of those dreams was to not go through financial difficulties. He promised me that he would provide for me when we got married. He said that he will have a good paying job in the future. But come he doesn't even have $1 to buy me chocolates. He is a very rare man. When I say that I am craving something he doesn't even say that he will get it for me. He completely ignores me. I got tired of this s-h-*-t so I broke up with him. There are a lot more things that he has done that have showed me how cheap he is. Also, when I met his family I realized that his dad is the same way. So, "No, I don't want this for my life" Thank you to everyone who shared their stories.
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Avatar universal
I learned a long time ago how selfish people who are cheap really are.  My father was the biggest cheapskate alive except when it came to what he wanted.  I dated a trust fund baby in college who never wanted for anything and if he did he would write his rich grandfather.  At one point I got tired of feeling like he was just using me for sex.  I made a big deal out of him taking me on a date so finally he agreed.  We went to a dollar movie which was fine until he rolled up with 98 cents for himself.  I was beyond furious even though he swore it was an accident.  He went to all the trouble to try to make it up to me but the damage was done.  I ended up cheating on him and standing him up in front of all his friends when they went to a fancy dinner then I dumped him.  I met and am currently dating the same guy in a different body I swear.  I make about six figures a year so I am not worried about money.  I understood from the beginning when he bemoaned that he was not making the money he was promised in the new job he was in and was not worried about it.  I have noticed that I now pay for everything.  He will eat before he comes to see me god forbid he is expected to chip in for food since I cook all the time.  I finally figured it out as he was never hungry and I was starving but he's skinny so he can always eat so it took me a while.  Christmas was the real tipping point.  We were invited to my sisters for the holiday and he was coming with me.  He had a dog that required boarding so it was a little expensive for him to come.  Knowing he did not have money I knew my sister would get him something and I did not want to be embarrassed so I got him a $25 gift certificate to give to her which he gladly accepted.  I am generally very generous on holidays as I do not have kids.  I adopt a few families every year and spoil my family and friends.  Christmas came, I really didn't expect a lot but I really did not expect NOTHING.  No card, no handwritten coupons for sex...NOTHING!!!  The next day after Christmas we went out shopping and looking around.  We went to this awesome outdoor garden center that had nice ornaments etc.  I made him feel guilty about my Christmas ornament he broke so he bought one to replace it.  I also had my eye on a $20 planter that was an Owl and so I bought it knowing he did not have a lot of money I did not expect anything.  Imagine my surprise when we went by the ABC store to get some Christmas cheer and he bought himself a nice bottle of scotch.  What a SLAP IN THE FACE.  I got him a laptop among other things for Christmas but his lack of consideration is all I got for Christmas.  I have figured out that cheap men are selfish and thoughtless men as well generally.  You will never change someone who has no thought or consideration.  I stayed with him after that unbelievably and he continues to leave the toilet seat up at my place even though he does not do that at his place.  He leaves his dishes on the coffee table and any thing he drinks I can see the trail behind him.  Any good movies he only rents when I am out of town then when I am trying to find a good movie for us to watch he has seen them all.  When we go out I pay he never even reaches for his wallet.  I took us out to eat with a friend of mine who really is broke and asked him to leave a tip and I got the response " all I have is my card"  After reading the responses of the women above I have come to the decision that I am going to dump him.  I don't want to have a life or a relationship with someone who does not value or respect me.  If I put up with his crappy cheapskate ways it is my fault so I am going to run for the hills. My father is the biggest cheapskate and sociopath around and maybe since I suffered abuse from him very young I am creating the same dysfunctional relationship that I had with him.  I remember feeling invisible and unimportant as he told everyone I was not his when I was born.  
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Avatar universal
RUN GIRL RUN he is a sociopath and they are usually dangerous.
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16984957 tn?1452814573
I am 58 and my bf is 54. Pretty much grown up people who supposedly know what to ask from life. He is extremely handsome, energetic, gym freak like myself. We date for two month. I am a lawyer and he has simple jobs. He does not have children and I have two university students. He lives in a small apartment and I have a house. So, my income is big, but the expenses big as well. I hinted him that I am struggling with my bills too. It was a response on his whining about budgeting his life. On the first date he took me for a walk. It was wonderful, but no food or coffee. On the second date, I invited him to my house. Food, drinks,- all possible hospitality on my part. It happened that on a third date it was his birthday and naturally I invited him to a restaurant. I paid our bill and presented him with a $200 gift certificate. Shortly after, it was Christmas and I again presented with a bottle of an expensive wine and a gift certificate. He gave me chocolate and some thing for home worth of not more than $30. I did not complain as I knew he was on a budget. By the way, when we talk, he always brings money into a conversation telling me exactly how much he earns an hour. He does not complain,-quite the opposite, he cheerfully telling me details of his small earnings. The first red flag was on a New Years eve when he took me to buy alcohol "for us" and the next day, when he was going back to his place, he took the bottles with him. I was shocked. The next red flag is the fact that he, until now, has not taken me into any dinner or drinks or dance or movie. I told him that I would want to go to watch some movie and his reply was "I don't like that movie and I would not spend money for that". In a minute, he added "but if you want, we will go". Needless to say that after those words I lost any desire to go with this man to any movie. As I said, I am a lawyer and a mature woman, so I recognize I met my "cheap man". Now I consider my options. To keep him for a while for a great sex? Or to dump him asap? Because I have read lots of articles on this topic and would agree with some psychologists and specialists on relationship that I will miss lots of fun, if continue staying with this man. I already missed my weekly dances at salsa  club and my vacation at Caribbeans because I did not want to pay for both of us. Not because I am cheap, but because I don't want any man would use me for money. I want to be cherished for other qualities. In conclusion, it is my experience that most of my dates were cheap. Could it be that they knew about my profession and assumed that I am well on my own? But I have my children to support and mortgage to pay and other expenses. They don't realize that if they showed in the beginning their generosity, even in a small way, I would have given them much more. Stupid males.  
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Avatar universal
I'm used to being supported by men and have never had to work outside of the home,  I married a man who inhereted over 20 million and he is Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.  He refused to support me until we married once we did, he then moved into my modest 3 bedroom home and still does not pay me $$for my bills but bought 200 for groceries and pretended to b on board for a trip to Hawaii, then tells me it's to much $$!! J
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Avatar universal
We are both thrifty and I would describe ourselves as “Cheap People” my husband isnt a fan of the word but I guess truth really hurts. We both enjoy sales and bargain bins but our difference is that I am willing to buy expensive gifts for him. He wasn’t the type of guy who will give gifts. For him, birthdays are cards and cakes & anniversaries are about flowers and chocolates. You wont get flowers for both birthday and anniversary.

He is very simple tho, he doesn't collect anything but he likes to eat junk food (I try to collect gemstones, I have eyes for sapphires and rocks, fish tanks and dogs). He spend a lot on unhealthy food like his juices and chocolates. I don’t mind paying our grocery as long as he is happy.

I think you should tell your concerns to your partner. I remember I joked around telling “You got this because it’s the cheapest!” and that how he don’t really buy me anything. He then started sending me food, packages and other things that he believes are needed. However sometimes, since I am thrifty too, he would say "You told me not to spend money!" so I think I am a factor on his cheapness.

He is not the kind of guy who gives a lot of gifts but sure he is reliable. I saw this when we moved to a new apartment and when we took our first dog. Gift giving isnt part of his culture and I perfectly understand that.

I honestly don’t regret being with my cheap husband. We are capable of saving a lot & cutting expenses. However, proceed with caution. Time to time you might find yourself thinking if you are not worth the expensive and fancy items or you are prolly asking and demanding for too much.
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Avatar universal

I think it depends on the total personality of the guy. I guy with great personality and will treat you better & cheap is okay. But an abusive & cheap guy is a red flag.

Being independent is cool, you know. You are capable of saying “I am funding myself” to other people while the guy you are with feels so small and prolly choking with his ego - cause he is not the guy capable of spending money for his partner. Although it would hurt you too, cause you could be with a guy who literally gives you everything but you are stuck with a cheap man.
Helpful - 0
14757565 tn?1438301624
I'd put the brakes on moving in together.  Cover the budget and expenses.  Tell him how it makes you feel when he can't cover minor expenses for you... what is it exactly?  I'd feel not quite worth his little extra expenses if he didn't offer to cover some of the little things without expecting the cash in return, but maybe he doesn't want to "get screwed".  Either way, maybe you aren't at the point of cohabitation.  Its a big step!!!!

A marital counselor once showed me a budget plan.  It wasn't a 50/50 split.  It was a percentage split.  So if he makes 3/4 of the total income, then he pays 75% of expenses and you the other 25%.  As a couple, this is something to be considered.  He shouldn't be expected to pay it all.  Do what works for both of you.

I believe in chivalry, and I probably wouldn't be able to get close to a man holding out his hand every time he picked up the tab.
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Avatar universal
I met someone while I was self sufficient and unfortunately got a divorce and couldn't find any job/ income comparable to what I could in my home state.  (women usually move out and become independent unlike many men) So after a year or two of using alimony I meet someone who feels "sorry" for me and I tell him "no thanks" I don't want your help. Well being a desperate single mother finally I agree to let me take me to the store shopping. Well, he uses this as an "in" and starts bugging me 24/7. He even wants me to move in with him for "only a couple months" so I keep paying rent on my place while my daughter goes to her father' apartment and I find a minimum wage job b/c California has GOT to be the worst economic disaster in the nation ! So work full time, moved in with him and he proceeds to take over my finances, pays off one of my credit cards I had been using for rent, food, etc. To this day he is cheap and has only gotten WORSE.
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Avatar universal
Too cheap..  I think you are waisting your time.  Are you desperate?
Or what?  Please use your common sense and do not accept this kind of relationship.  Please do better for yourself.
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Avatar universal
I'm with a cheap man now..He buys garage sale stuff for presents, He thinks sharing a phone is saving, keeps the thermostat on 90..
He never fixes anything. He hardly showers. He uses the fireplace in the winter. He eats out no more than 8.oo  or less a person. Washes his
stuff maybe every 2 weeks.I understand!
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
It certainly sounds that way.  I don't think it is worth compromising ourselves so much for a situation in which the other party isn't giving as much as we are to be close.  

I wish you lots of luck!!  Peace and let us know how things go, okay?
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Avatar universal
thank you for your advice. it has gotten to the point where I sacrificed too much and my well being has been affected.
thks
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1962649 tn?1332444851
if a guy is cheap when he is supposed to be courting you he will make a lousy husband. get away now. i had 3 or 4 dates with a smart, handsome, funny man who had a good job and plenty of $$. but he was a tightwad. did not leave tips in restaurants. i decided no way did i want to be with a cheap man so i declined any more dates with him. good thing too. about 5 months later i met my husband and we've been married over 20 years!
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, if his son's living with you is uncomfortable and you've said as much . . .  you will have to decide if you want to continue this situation.  If it has only been one year that you have lived with him, maybe it makes sense to move back where you were and do some thinking about this.  You clearly have different viewpoints on money which is a big reason a lot of couples break up.  He also isn't trying to share with you like you are a couple on his philosphy of spending, his debt, etc.  He is still seperating finances from you.  

It may be a good idea to consider your own place again.  best of luck to you
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Avatar universal
No, we dont pay rent because it is his uncle s building,I ve managed to put money aside and asked him about his finances so we can get a nice play together but he refuses to tell me how much debt he has and how much savings he has. It s only a year I moved in with him and his 27 year old mooching son who manipulates him goes out partying ,comes back whenever he pleases and  manipulates his father blaming me that I want him to get a life and out of the house. Anyways I am moving out and I think its the end of that. Waisted to many years hoping he would change. Selfish people don t change. he only takes me out when his couple friend want to go to a restaurant and of course he pays to show everybody he s a big man.not worth it. Someone who spends 6 days a week going to the gym to look good but has no drive in life , well not much i can say.The only good thing he s done recently is help fix my car.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Gosh, I'm just wondering why you'd want to get engated and marry this guy.  It is one thing to not want to spend money much and count your pennies . . . my own husband is a squirrel and likes to save . . .  but quite another to refuse a social life with thier partner.  And if you aren't happy about his son and that isn't changing and YOU have no say whatsoever . . .  well, this relationship harldy sounds like you are an equal.  
He doesn't pay rent?  You mean this is your place and you pay the mortgage/rent on it and he just lives there?  And then you have no money to grab a dinner out?  Um, I'm not thinking htis is a good situation.  You need need to have a long heart to heart.  

Peace and luck
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Avatar universal
Hi everyone. I have a different problem. I just got engaged to my guy who i ve been seeing for 12 years. he used to be very generous but everytime i ask him now to do something he always refuses and tell s me if you re going to pay I m in. He doesnt pay rent, but we both share the bills.His 27 year old son lives with us in a small appartment and he doesnt give his dad not even a penny. He s a freeloading mooch and not only that he has a good paying job and is not moving out.( his son) Big strain on our couple relationship,éPlus he does no chores around the house.
The biggest problem is that i live like a hermit while he goes to the gym anfd refuses to take me out as not to spend any money. help me...
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1848267 tn?1333376625
My ex was so selfish.. and cheap. But when it came to himself he splurrged. I asked him once to get his son a winter coat and he wouldn't do it. As a matter of fact he never bought our son anything. He was so cheap i just couldn't handle it.
My current relationship has other issues but he is not cheap, no matter how much of a jerk he is being. He always helps out even if he knows i had the money and spent it. He ******* about things at times but never says no. He is in between, he isn't wastefull and uses coupons. But on the other hand isn't cheap.
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Avatar universal
Hi im Nora from saudia Arabia , I have the same issue ..

I'm married to my husband for 4. Years now
And I hate him now because of his cheapness
Really it's a very bad attitude , u may hate him because of that.
In my culture. . Women don,t have to pay 50/50 even ithee make more than them.
In my situation my husband make 5 times more than me but until now he is a cheap.  offff I hate that and Im really thinking about getting devorce because I always feel bad about my husband  when I see all my friends or sisters with a generous husband .its too hard also if u have kids
So don't concerned  this relation for a long time u will be tired the whole intire ship .. Don think about getting married to him .. and if u do .. I wish god help u ..
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Avatar universal
I know this forum is very old, but I noticed that the comments are quite fresh, so I assume there are people who are looking for answers to this same problem, or to share their experiences.
I am from a foreign country and moved to marry my husband 2 years ago. I had a carreer, my work, but I also felt lonely with the perspective of being single for ever. I found my man, and decided to let go of everything to start a new life.
I admit in the beginning it was very hard, as I found out that he was indeed cheaper than I thought... For instance, the last piece of clothes he had bought for himself was 10 years ago!!! And he wanted to buy us silver wedding bands!!! Anyway, it's been 2 years and I still have to make a huge, huge effort if I want us to make any progress in life... I thought somehow that after I got married I would live a life where I could take care of my family, organizing things, but I now know that I do need lots of efforts to do so. God help me, give me wisdom and strength, and hope. I do love him very much. I just need lots of patience.
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1849593 tn?1321134662
omg my bf is the same dam way, its so annoying!!! when he didnt have a job, i would give him money for what ever he needed, like $50 or most of the time give him my whole check... now that i dont have a job, and he does, he wont give me a dime.. i ask for a box of smokes, and he refuses unless i get the cheap *** $1 pack of cigars -_- i ask to buy me a new phone since he's broken 5 of them and now been stuck with nothing and refuses, i ask for a pizza and refuses... Then wen i get money somehow, he raides my wallet and takes my $5 while he has a wallet full.. He'd rather spend his money on alcohol for him n his "friends" then buy me anything at all....

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Avatar universal
I need your thought about my situation. I have been seeing this guy for three months now. He is very cheap.He has never taken me out on a date. He is in debt and is trying to pay off debts. But I kind of feel if a guy really liked a woman he can take them to even McDonalds for lunch. When he visits me, he makes me pay for pizza if we order one arguing that i should by because he spent money on gas to drive 45 minutes drive to come and see me. For two months he said we were just friends and its not until last month that he actually said we were dating. I think he kept saying we were not dating because he did not want to take me out.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay, duh. It would help if I read the date on the orginal post which is old!  LOL  Cher posted at the end----------  and I always encourage someone to start their own post to get more responses.  

But cher-------- I'm sorry it is like this.  Are you married?  I think this is key.  When a man accepts their partner as part of themselves---------  they are more likely to spend money on/for/with them.  If you just live together----------- he very well may see money as his verses yours.  This is never good in a relationship.  Unity makes better sense to be connected.  

I learned a lot from my husband.  I don't need everything I want and while I do splurge on myself, I keep myself in check.  It is actually a good thing because as stated above, I like to spend.  This is different than being hungry and someone won't buy you a hamburger.  That is extreme.  And that is someone that doesn't see that if their partner is hungry, you should want to make that better.  

Overall, you've been together a long time.  Nothing has changed---------  will it ever?  Not if you two remain seperate entitities.  And now the question is, would you really like to marry someone after 10 years of this?  Is starting over an option for you?  I'd consider it.  

Good luck.  
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