cheated on my wife, now i feel bad

[stunnedbro]

yesterday, i dont know how it happened, but it happened, i had a protected sex with a girl i met that i dont even know her name, anyway, it was so fast and it was in a time that me and my wife were having a fight, i feel like i betrayed her, i love her to the moon and back, she is the only one in my mind, the only one i love and the only one i care about in the whole universe, i dont want to tell her about that because i know how does it feels like, she cheated on me before many times and i found out and then she promised me that she will try all her life to make it up to me and to be faithful, i forgave her, but i kept angry with her in my inside for the last year and i didnt understand how she could do it but i forgave her and i never talked about it anymore even that it destroys me from inside, i love her , i cherish her and i dont want to loose her at all , my life is nothing without her but i know now im really not a good husband, i never wanted to cheat on her, i was just dragged, even  while i was having sex with the other girl, i felt so wrong, so bad and so guilty that i couldnt have an erection anymore.
im crying now , i dont want to tell her, im afraid i will lose her and i dont want to make her feel bad, i will never ever do it again no matter what just because i dont want to loose her, please help me .

[horseshoe2985]

I am sorry to hear that this has happened. I would strongely encourage you to seek marriage counseling. Do you have a  counselor that you can talk to? I will keep you in my prayers!

Live, Laugh, and Cantor on

[Londres70]

You both should of had therapy on board when she cheated.  Get it on board NOW.

I would recommend discussing the pros and cons of telling your wife about this with the THERAPIST before saying or doing anything.

I do hope the sex was properly protected.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also. I believe why this happened is in your words that youve held this inside you and it must be a heavy load as she cheated many times. We are only human and i feel you were striking back at her.

I also think  in your heart you want to tell her but not so much for healing but as a pay back.

This relationship appears really unbalanced as you mention you forgave her many times but your worried she will not forgive you for a one time deep emotional reaction.

[RockRose]

Was this a sex worker at a conference or business trip?  Because from what I've heard,  that really can happen so fast that you almost don't see it coming and it doesn't take any forethought on your part whatsoever.  I can't imagine another situation where a woman you don't know would suddenly be available to you and willing to have sex with a place to do it and a condom.  

I don't think you should tell her.  And in the future,  be very aware of women who are paying you a surprising amount of attention.

[specialmom]

Hm.  What concerns me is this talk of you don't know how it happened and you didn't know the person's name.  Yuck.  Hope you get some std testing done because that just isn't smart and you have a way of writing that sounds like your subconscious is trying to distance yourself from such a poor choice that you made.  You need to get a grip on that and own your actions.  And you 'think' you betrayed your wife with sex with another women when you two were having a fight?  Are you really unsure of this?

I think that if she cheated on you ----  and you let it go, perhaps you never fully dealt with the emotions of it.  If she lived up to her words of being truly sorry and being a good wife to you and you agreed to that, then you've really let her down twice.  You STILL harbor ill will from the cheating and perhaps are subconsciously getting back at her.  AND, you cheated when in a fight.  

I'm not sure where you really go from here.  Are you fully owning that YOU have possibly ruined your marriage for good with this action?  Do you subconsciously want out?

[TTinKKerBBell]

You begin by saying "I don't know how it happened"

You need to know it cannot "happen" if You don't unzip Your pants - and it takes CONSCIOUS thought and PHYSICAL action to unzip Your pants.

I will also reveal to You that our BIGGEST sexual organ is our brain - and it takes INTENT to cheat.

Some Marriages survive cheating and some do not but even those Marriages that survive are forever changed because the 'bond' has been 'broken'.  You cannot put that 'bond' back when it has been taken away.

When She cheated You stayed with Her, perhaps She will stay with You - She sorta owes You that - You know, like in 'even steven'

[UnsureMS]

I agree about it sounding like you were almost ready to get back at your wife, and I also agree that you both should enter into marriage counseling. You need to talk to your wife and I know that us going to be hard there is going to be lots of mixed emotions that come out. Especially mixed feelings from her. But it is important that you both talk it out.

Now when you go to talk to her please for all it's worth dont sit there and blame the past. When you said you forgave her then you forgave her. This time you are in the wrong no matter how guilty you felt. No matter what the performance was like. It does sound like you were just out to hurt your wife at first, especially since you didn't even know the girls name. But your wife isn't going to want to her that. She is suppose to be your world, and yes you betrayed her. I will not sit here and get on your case you sound like you feel bad enough. Just please don't sit her and put this off on anything else then that you made a mistake.

The only other thing I can tell you is everyone reacts differently when someone they love cheats. Some forgive and others just can't...this will be what you are going to have to face. If she does forgive it will take time. Either way you choose to do what you did now its time to roll the dice and see what happens from here.

I am sorry if you were hoping that someone would be understanding to what you did and tell you it will all be ok. But as someone who has been cheated on and forgave her husband I still don't understand your actions. You said you forgave your wife but still had anger toward her then you didn't forgive her. True forgiveness is letting go...the pain will always be there but you should have seen everything as a fresh start. No matter how hurt I am I would never do what my husband did to me cause I love him and that pain was to great to bare. I do hope that you two can get past this but you should truly get counseling for your marriage. Your marriage has alot of betrayal and guilt and anger to get past. May god bless you in this storm.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, in your shoes I would talk to a therapist.  Sounds like you felt like getting back at your wife, or else you are just so impulsive that you walk around with a condom ready to have sex at a moment's notice despite the fact that you are married.  (This is why I lean toward the first explanation, the second one sounds so implausible.  People don't cheat when they are happy in their relationships.)  Talk to the therapist about why you did what you did, and for heaven's sake stop whining.  You can't make it go away by claiming you love your wife like the moon and the stars.  Or maybe the two of you just enjoy drama.