confused??/

[kay2486]

I have not been on here for a while but would like to ask the advice of others about a problem i have.  I live with my fiancee and we have two lil boys :) the thing is when i had littliest who is now 21 months old my fiancee has slept in the other bed because most morning he has to get up at half three and lil one sleeps in my bed only because i was poorly when i came home from having him n he would not settle in his crib.

I feel like im being used because my fiancee thinks its ok to have sex with me them sleep in the other bed, i feel i have drifted far away from now but he does not feel like that. I've expressed how i feel but get no where with???

friends i talk to say it is disgusting for him to do that and i should put a stop to it.

What should i do??

[kay2486]

there's no lack of communication in our relationship he just simply sleeps in another bed and says it's bcuz our son shares my bed and now i understand that, my so called friends say he's seeing another person and i know for a fact he's not like that n would never cheat,  every bloke is different and i prefer to be with mine as he doesnt go out on the **** all the time like some lads do n leave family at home he stays in with us instead, you are right it's not about right and wrong it is about happiness and from now on i tell people and friends nothing as they only plant seeds in our heads i am happy and now realise that :) there is no point me asking advice as everyone thinks different and its about me being happy with the way things are, thank you for your advice x

[brice1967]

I'll just throw this out there.  I'm not going to view this is you being right or him being right.  Seems as if there is a total communication breakdown.  Part of communication is listening.  Either one of both of you are having a difficult time saying exactly what you mean, or simply someone isn't listening.

I'll keep this very brief, and hopefully this will make some sense... sometimes its better to be happy than right.  Quit with the blame game.  Find happiness where ever you may find it.

[kay2486]

im not sure what to think no more, ive kinda got used to him going in there now but everyones opinions are different, the thing is when i was pregnant with second child i wanted to sleep in the spare bed but when i went into the other bed my boyf would come in and start saying dont you love me no more abd i would say im pregnant n need sleep if u cant be arsed put our 3 yr old in his bed then im not going risk being kicked in the stomach by him as he sleeps, he thinks its ok for him to sleep in the other bed though so he can sleep n i throw that in his face now see how he likes it.

[overopiates]

I wouldnt stress it at all.My husband snores SO loud often I sleep on the couch.Its no big deal.

[kay2486]

Hi to both of you and thank you for replying, i've made mistakes in the past by listening to his family, they are the ones who tell me it's disgusting for him to have sex then sleep in another bed.  I do not listen no more as everything i talk to them a bout they make it out 100 times worse, i understand he has to sleep as he gets up very early, i have spoken so many times with him asking if its really because he needs sleep or another reason such as he doesnt love me he just giggles and says im being silly thinking that and comes out with "we got two kids been together 7 1/2 yrs why would you think that? ".  
We are arranging the kids room so they share a room and will be done in couple of weeks :), he has changed a hell of a lot with me and the kids since i first come on here, he helps me a lot more, he plays with the kids now too but i have friends who try to poison me about him and have done this from the day i met him.  He will stay in my bed at weekends or when he not in work the next day but when he works he will; stay in the other room, i have kind of got used to the idea but somedays it bugs me.

[RockRose]

kay,  is there something that you're not saying?  I think it's fine if you decide you don't want to sleep in the same bed,  especially since there are already two people in your bed,  and he has to get up at the crack of dawn.

I just have a feeling you're focused on something else here,  some other signal from him that you're not seeing.  If he's fine with your relationship,  and loving and caring,  where he sleeps may just be a matter of him feeling like he sleeps better alone.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I don't really think it is disgusting.  I think it sounds like he values his sleep and felt like he wasn't getting it with you and your little guy in bed.  Now, don't shoot me---------  but I also value sleep.  Sometimes if my husband has a cold and coughs or snores or makes noises that disturb my sleep----------  I go to our guestroom to make sure I get enough to sleep to handle the next day.  We never slept with our child in our bed because first, I'm a light sleeper and value my rest and second, because my husband feared he'd roll on and squish the baby.  

And the other aspect is that maybe this sleeping arangement has become a habit for him.

So, I would not say he is horrible or being a monster or disgusting------------  based soley on this.  I would try to change it as it clearly bothers you.

So, I'd tell him that you'd like to sleep with him again as it makes you feel more like a couple.  Ask him how to get back into the routine of that------------  if the baby is still in bed with you, time to move him out of your room.  Then make the room as comfy as possible.  I use white noise to help me sleep better------  just a simple fan works for me.  Start by asking him to stay in the bed with you on nights that he does not have work the next day.  Then it will break up the other habit of sleeping seperately and the routine will be to sleep in the bed with you.  Then it should happen more and more where it is the norm again.  

My advice is based on this being your main issue. If you are having other marital problems/relationship problems and are distant in general--------- that is different.  Then you work on those marital problems to solve the intimacy issue.

good luck